New Yorkers

You tend to push people away sometimes.

For example: when your grandfather died ten years ago, you didn’t speak to anyone. It took you three weeks after the funeral to actually make a decent conversation.

Your best friend at the time, Luke, who ended up as your boyfriend three years later, was convinced that you were depressed. He figured you didn’t eat, refused to go out, never spoke to anyone unless needed (e.g. in school, ordering food), and just all out extremely sad.

You knew you weren’t. You ate properly and sufficiently, but only when no one was in the kitchen. You would sneak your food up to your room. You did the same things you were doing when your Pop was alive. The only difference was that you didn’t want to talk to anyone.

Luke, your ex-boyfriend, witnessed most of the days when you just didn’t want to talk to anyone. But now, he was the reason why you were having one of those days. 

Marlene allowed you to go home seven days before Christmas, December 18. Considering that it was the holidays and her schedule gets hectic at this time of the year, you refused and told her you’d stay longer. But Marlene Parker was a convincing person, so there you were back in your parents’ house on December 18. 

You wished you were better at convincing and just stayed in New York longer.

Luke Harding lived three houses beside yours.

It was a painful coincidence that he was back home early as well. Him being home wasn’t painful. Of course, you had expected that. He was always home during the holidays. What’s painful was that he brought his new girlfriend home.

You weren’t even affected by the fact that he brought her home for you to see seven months after he admitted he cheated on you. From his band mates’ photos on Instagram, you were sure the blonde clutching on his arm was the one he cheated on you for. You were uncomfortable, that was the right term.

A couple of hours into being home, your neighbor already asked why Luke brought home a different woman. They started asking when you broke up, why you did, and kind of knew it because you didn’t come home for almost a year. You responded with simple answers: seven months ago, and it was a mutual thing—which was somehow true.

May ten, the day everything ended and began, was as clear as drinking water to you. 

Truthfully, you didn’t see it coming, even when you already had started having problems.

You remember that on May ten, Marlene let you have the rest of the day off after you’d successfully filed all papers and responded to e-mails. You were happy, ecstatic even, to get home and be able to call your boyfriend. It had been around a week since the last phone call. 

You knew something was happening. The phone calls went from always to twice a week and the visits almost didn’t add up to once a month.

Luke was touring the whole America along with his band to support a much bigger and more successful band. He has been on the road since January, but has been away for almost a year, making music on the other side of America. The last time you saw him was on Valentine’s Day, when you luckily caught a last-minute plane to Los Angeles.

You started getting busy with work, and so did he. It was heartbreaking just remembering how his voice sounded when he begged you to come on tour with him. But you just couldn’t. You, so badly, wanted to get published but still aren’t. And perhaps that was the universe’s punishment to you for not following him while he followed his dreams. You supported him and adored his music, but you just couldn’t drop everything to watch him reach his dreams. 

On May tenth, you called him, finally making up a decision. You thought about it all month, weighing your options and sorting everything out. You were going on tour with him on the beginning of June. The tour was until October, and your contract with Bloomsbury was until the end of May. You can always file a leave before renewing your work contract. Besides, you were up for being permanent, and you were allowed to have a vacation before you fully commit to the company.

But he also thought about a decision all month long.

“(Y/N),” he answered the phone, and the smile on your face slowly faltered 

“Luke,” you replied. “What’s wrong? How are you?” 

“I’m all right,” he mumbled. “We’re in San Francisco. You called early, what happened?”

You smiled, realizing he still kept track on New York time. 

“I’m great!” you responded. “Marlene let me out a couple of hours earlier today. She’s also trying to lure me into agreeing to be a permanent employee, so she asked me to send her a manuscript of anything I’ve done. I mean, I don’t think she’ll give it to the publishers and get them to publish it right away, but it’s a sign, right? I’m so excited.”

“Good for you,” he said, almost whispered. “Hey, we need to talk.”

“We are talking,” you replied. “I have great news for you!" 

“I need to tell you what I have to tell you first,” he said slowly. And you were confused on why he sounded so sad. But you shrugged the thought away because he might have been just tired from all the touring.

“Yeah, yeah, of course. Sure. Go on,” you said, leaning against your bed’s headboard. “Is everything okay?”

He hummed then sighed, making you frown. Something was going on.

You waited, and waited, and waited. A minute felt like an hour, and all you could hear was his breathing on the other line and your heart racing every second.

And then he dropped the bomb.

“I’m seeing someone,” he finally said. “Her name’s Amanda. I met her at the LA show’s after party through some mutual friends.”

You stopped breathing. 

“She’s…” he trailed off. “Supportive. She loves the band. And… we just hit it off immediately. Everything happened so fast, it was… I don’t know.”

Tears were already threatening to fall out of your eyes.

“I asked her to come to the rest of the tour with me,” he continued. “She didn’t exactly have a job, so she was fine. She’s here right now. I mean, not at this moment. She’s in the shower. But she’s with me. The rest of the band is okay with her being with me during the tour. She helps us prepare before the show and stuff.”

You nodded, unable to talk. The first stream of tears fell, and you still couldn’t breathe.

“(Y/N)?” he asked after hearing no response. “Are you there?”

You swallowed the lump on your throat, nodded again as if he could see you, and wiped your tears.

“When did this happen?”

“End of February,” he answered immediately.

You let out a laugh. “After I paid an expensive as fuck ticket to surprise you? And you decided to tell me only now?”

“I thought you were finally coming with me,” he answered with a sigh. “But you left at two a.m. with a note on the bedside table.”

“Because I was needed at work!” you shouted, letting the tears fall. 

“I needed you,” he retorted. “I needed you but you weren’t there.”

“I need you, too,” you answered. “And you aren’t here and I’m okay with that, because you have your own set of dreams to follow. I will never ask you to drop anything for me, Luke. I never did, and I still will not. Why are you only telling me this now?" 

He didn’t talk.

“Give me something, Luke,” you pleaded. “Something else besides not being there. Just… please. Why only now? You have been with someone else for… more than two months now. Why only now?" 

“I don’t want to lose you,” he answered after a minute. “You were my best friend for so long, (Y/N). We went through the shithole we called high school together. You know me more than anyone else. I… I can’t just lose you like this." 

“What do you want, then?” you challenged. “You want us to be together, but get another woman for you to take on tour, then come home like nothing happened?”

No answer.

“Because I’m not gonna do that, Luke,” you said calmly. “I’m not gonna be the woman who will watch you ruin things and let you get away with it.”

“I’m sorry.”

You became silent as well, trying to digest everything in, even though it hurt your stomach, you wanted to throw up. Two, three, four minutes—you didn’t know, but it felt longer than that.

None of you spoke, until you finally made up your mind. Finally, truthfully.

“I’ll get someone to remove my name from this apartment’s lease,” you said.

“No, (Y/N),” he interrupted. “The apartment is yours. You decorated it and everything—”

“No, Luke,” you bellowed. “You don’t get to say anything.”

He sighed.

“I’ll get my name removed, but I’ll pay this month’s rent. Find yourself a way to pay them until you come back.”

“You can stay there until I co—” 

“I’m taking Hermione,” you interrupted. “She’s the only one I’ll take from everything you gave me. But you can get her back if you want to. For the mean time, she’s with me.” 

“You keep her,” he replied. “She likes you more than me.” 

You wanted to yell at him that yes, of course, Hermione liked you better. You were home more and you never pushed her off the bed like he did. But you kept everything to yourself.

“I’ve nothing else to say,” you said. “Goodbye, Luke.”

“I’m so sorry,” he replied. “I didn’t want any of this to happ—”

“So did I,” you interrupted. “And you were wrong about one thing tonight.”

He stayed silent. 

“I do not know you better than anyone else,” you said. “I do not know who you are now at all.”

And you ended the call. 

The second it was off, you threw it on the ground, watching it break. Sobbing, you let everything out. You felt like you couldn’t breathe, because your chest was hurting, but maybe it was just the hole that burned in the middle.

Your dog immediately ran to your room when she heard something break and started licking your hands that covered your face.

And you were just crying all night, hoping all the sobbing would numb the pain in your chest. But it never did. 

Remembering the tenth day of May still pained you but not as much as it did on the day itself.

It was the twentieth of December and you were pushing everyone away, including Sebastian.