She hated the sedation.
Her brain felt foggy and unreliable as she woke up from a four hour sleep from said sedation.
Yet it didn’t stop any thoughts from roaming across her mind.
The anger is still present, but Maya feels numb more than anything.
Her chest hurts, as if someone’s sitting right on top, adding extra weight, and the pounding in her head isn’t as intense as it was a few hours prior, but it’s still there, much to her disappointment.
Every limb in her body feels heavy, making it almost impossible for her to move. But overall, she’s so incredibly tired.
Not only physically, but emotionally and mentally.
The words i’m not in the habit of fixing broken people ringed in her head.
She is broken.
There are many words she can call herself. Broken. Failure. Disappointment.
Carina left.
She abandoned her and Maya couldn’t see it any other way. She’s all alone. Which is technically what she wanted in the first place.
Well, not entirely alone.
Forcing her exhausted eyes open, Maya could easily see that Andy is still in the room, holding her hand.
“You’re awake!” Andy grins happily, although there’s a sadness in her eyes that overshadows any joy that’s written within her expressions.
Maya doesn’t understand why she’s even here. No one should want to be around her. She’s made sure of it.
And the one person she wishes were here is gone.
And it’s all her fault.
“Do you need anything? Are you hungry?” Andy asks cautiously.
She’s scared, Maya thinks. She’s scared of me.
If Maya had any energy at all, she would laugh at Andy’s question. How could she eat at a time like this? Her stomach is in knots and all thoughts of food cause her empty stomach to roll with nausea.
However, she’s too drained to even bat an eye, let alone laugh or even speak.
Instead she remains quiet, studying Andy’s features.
Her friend’s face falls at the silence, unable to mask her disappointment. Maya believes that Andy has every right to be disgusted with her. She’s withering away in a hospital bed instead of at the station, where she should be working.
Actually being useful, instead of taking up a hospital bed that other patients could use. Other patients that are much more injured than she is.
There’s an uncomfortable silence that fills the air, causing Maya to feel like she could suffocate at any moment.
Even the thoughts occupying her brain are starting to dissipate and this quietness has been something she’s longed for, searched for, these past few months.
Except now she doesn’t want it. She doesn’t really know what she wants.
“The team’s worried about you. Vic wanted to stop by, but she couldn’t make it,” Andy informed the blonde, trying to not focus on how sickly she looks. How pale and sunken in her eyes appear to be.
Maya feels the urge to roll her eyes. They haven’t been a family since before Dean died. They aren’t worried about her, she can’t believe the possibility that they even would be.
There’s nothing to worry about.
And Vic…
She has more important things to worry about than her.
“Carina wanted me to check on you,” Andy admits, seeing a flicker of light pass through Maya’s dull blue eyes. So quick that if she were to blink, it would’ve never happened. “I was planning on coming to see you anyway, but she was worried.”
Maya scoffs, using the limited amount of energy to get the noise out. Carina wouldn’t have left if she were worried. She would stay. She always stays.
“I’m worried about you, Maya,” Andy confesses softly, pulling her eyes away from the ones tiredly staring at her, finding it too difficult to look into. “You’re hurting yourself.”
Maya wishes everyone would cut it with the dramatics. She’s fine. Why can’t anybody see that?
“We want you back at the station, but we want you back when your healthy and okay. This isn’t you,” Andy states quietly and Maya pulls away her hand, tucking it between the pillow and her face.
Andy took that as her sign to head out, having some knowledge as to what went down between her and Carina, aware that there was yelling and anger involved.
And she would rather not be on that end of her friend.
Maya watches as she stands up, throwing her a small smile as she walks to the door. She doesn’t bother saying a word to stop her.
While she’d rather not be alone, even if that’s what she has wished for endlessly lately, it’s for the best.
It’s what she deserves.
Carina debates on what the next step is or even looks like as she stares at her packed suitcase.
Seeking comfort in Italy would be too far from Maya and staying at any of Maya’s teammate’s places would be too close.
She settles on a hotel as she grabs her luggage off of the bed, rolling it through her apartment, trying to keep her eyes casted downward, not being able to stomach the sight of all of Maya’s things.
Every crevice of that apartment has a memory of Maya attached to it. And right now, Carina can’t even think about them without the possibility of crying.
She used to cry of joy at just the thought of being married to Maya. It would usually be late at night with early morning thoughts and reminiscing, which would lead to happy tears.
Maya would call her overly sentimental, a playful way to make fun of her, but would always be there to supply hugs and cuddles. To help dry her tears away.
That Maya is no longer in sight.
Carina knows that taking a step back is what’s best for Maya in the long run, even if the blonde can’t see that right now. However, it doesn’t take away the pain in her chest. The heartbreak, knowing that her wife is suffering so badly and she can’t do anything to take it away.
She’s tried and she’s tired.
Taking a step back is also what’s good for her too. She can’t keep continuing to take Maya’s insults that are thrown her way. She can’t be her punching bag anymore.
Maya has a mental illness.
That part is clear. But getting Maya, someone’s who’s on the inside, who’s sick, to see that, isn’t as easy of a task.
She’s spent her whole life surrounded by the people she loves who had mental illnesses and it sucks. It’s very difficult and challenging.
But she loves Maya. She’s in love with Maya and they’re supposed to weather all the storms together. To be by each other’s side through the good and the bad.
It’s not a way to force them to be together. To be trapped in a marriage that is making each other miserable. But Carina isn’t miserable.
She’s so incredibly in love that it hurts and makes this situation even harder.
Because she’d much rather wrap Maya up in her arms and shield her from all the pain, all the hurt that she’s undoubtedly feeling. But that’s a naive way of thinking, and Carina Deluca isn’t naive.
Maya needs help. More help than she can give.
Which is why she needs to take a step back in order for Maya to see that too.
Walking out of the apartment and closing the front door behind her is one of the hardest things she’s had to do in a while.
It’s not just Maya’s apartment, not anymore. It’s their home. The place Carina has looked forward to come to after every long shift. The place where she’d watch Maya sleep, letting herself finally rest after hours of fighting sleep. The place that they’ve lived many years in. Filled with so many memories.
She turns the key, locking the door, turning around, and heading straight for the elevator.
Carina wishes that this wasn’t so hard. She wishes that Maya could see what she sees. That she could understand that therapy would help her a great deal.
But Maya can’t see that and it’s nearly impossible for her to. She’s way too close to the situation to see the full view. And Carina has to make peace with that…for now.
Throwing her suitcase into the back seat, Carina climbs into the front of her Porsche, turning the engine on and pulling out of the parking lot.
The hotel that she will be staying at for the foreseeable future doesn’t even come close to as homey or comfortable as their apartment, but she makes her way there anyway.
However, there’s just somewhere she needs to stop first.
Carina feels a sharp pain shoot through her chest at the sight of the hospital in front of her.
She left with Maya screaming so loud that it echoed out into the hallway, ingraining itself into Carina’s brain. A memory that she already knows will never go away.
She can’t allow herself to just leave after that. That can’t be her last memory of Maya if their separation remains permanent.
Just the thought of a divorce makes Carina feel as though she could suffocate. That living wouldn’t be enjoyable without the safety of her home.
But she wants Maya to be alive. And not only be alive, but to live a happy, healthy life. Because living is different than being alive and Maya hasn’t truly lived in so long.
Carina practically slams the car door, slowly walking towards the front entrance. Part of her wants to race inside and quickly say her goodbyes, but the other side wants to procrastinate this interaction for as long as possible.
Or lack of interaction.
Andy had messaged her earlier, explaining how Maya didn’t say a single word the few hours that she visited, having been near catatonic.
And while Carina was secretly hopeful that Maya is starting to come down from her previous panic and breakdown, she knows that this is most likely another calm before the storm.
She can’t let herself believe for even a second that this is over. That Maya will see all the destruction she caused in her life and start to receive some help. Because it seems too good to be true for someone who has been self-destructing for months now.
The ER isn’t busy like it was this morning, making it much easier for Carina to weave through the hallways, looking for one room in particular.
She hesitates by the door, resting her hand on the doorknob as she takes a few breaths, attempting to calm her racing heart.
And opening the door, she’s met with Maya’s back to her. Carina pauses, her feet glued to the floor.
She doesn’t know if she will be able to handle the risk of being yelled at again. Or have mean and angry words thrown at her like it’s nothing.
Her brother’s death was one of the hardest and most heartbreaking moments of her life and for Maya to bring it up to make her feel bad made her feel as though she could be sick.
That’s not her Maya. Her Maya is sick.
It’s an explanation, but Maya still said those words. She still used them in a way to hurt her because she’s hurting. And maybe if she could get others to feel the same way, it might take away some of her own hurt.
Except it doesn’t exactly work that way, that Carina knows.
Once she finally willed her legs to work, she slowly walked around the bed, noticing that Maya’s awake.
She almost wished that her wife was asleep. It would make what she’s about to do so much easier.
Carina takes a seat in the chair across from Maya’s bed, the one that Andy resided in just a few hours prior. The only difference between her and Andy is that she didn’t take the chance of gently grabbing Maya’s hand into her own.
Instead, she tucked them into her lap, trying to keep her posture straight as to not show her anxiety and nerves.
She also attempted to not notice how chilling it is that Maya’s practically looking straight through her. As if she’s not even there.
“I thought you left,” Maya muttered quietly, so quietly that there wasn’t any emotion to her voice, and for a split second, Carina wished it was anger instead of the numbness laced within those words.
“I just came to say that i’m staying in a hotel for a few weeks. I still love you, so much, but I think that this is what’s best for you, what’s best for the both of us,” Carina spits out, trying to stay calm and collected, not allowing her voice to waver for even a second.
Maya mustered up whatever strength she had to flip herself over, switching sides to have her back facing Carina, a way to actively shut her out.
She’s too tired for any defenses or sharp replies. Too tired.
Carina bit her lip, holding in her tears and trying to remain strong.
“Is there anything I can get you?” Carina asks as she stands up from the chair, not getting a single word as an answer. Not even a head shake. “Can I give you a kiss?” she adds, refraining from saying a goodbye kiss. That’s not exactly what this is.
It’s a see you soon kiss.
Maya answers with a small nod and Carina leans over her shoulder, placing a quick one to her cheek, pulling back fast as if she had been stung.
Except she hadn’t, but she was preparing for one anyway.
“Ti amo,” Carina whispers, pausing, hoping for just a second that maybe Maya might return the statement, but it’s nothing but her and the silence.
And so much love that she feels like she’s drowning in it.
Carina walks straight for the door, not trusting herself enough to leave without looking back.
It’s too painful.
She leaves with so much love and admiration for Maya that she feels weak without her as she goes to the hotel. Her new home for the near future.
However, Maya’s left with an emptiness in her chest, a gaping hole in her heart, and a distaste in her mouth.
It’s for the best.