Unknown
"You seriously expected me to believe you spent the last forty years as the key piece in an interplanetary smuggling operation and you had no idea that's what you were doing?"
"Yes sir."
Coulson stared at the man in disbelief. "What did you think you were doing?"
"Thought it was preppers, sir."
"Preppers who watch a lot of porn and order case loads of spices."
"I don't judge. If I was hiding out in the back woods, I might like some porn to keep myself... entertained."
"And the hundreds of pounds of cinnamon, curry and chilies?"
"You ever ate wild game?"
"And they paid you in gold?"
"That's why I thought it was preppers."
"What if was terrorists?"
"In the backwoods of Alaska, sir? What they going to terrorize out here?"
"For forty years! What if it was Soviets?"
"Russians need porn too, sir. Maybe even more than me."
Coulson just stared at the man.
"Look, it was only one sea can a year. They never asked for weapons or electronics, well, aside from... you know."
"The vibrators."
"Yes sir. I have all year to load up the sea can. It just disappears one night near winter solstice. They leave an empty sea can with a list for next year and the gold. Hell, could be Santa Claus, only thing north of here is the pole."
They both just looked at each other.
"How'd I get caught?"
"You switched to Amazon Prime."
"Damn it."