Ava loved being alive, being able to move, to walk, jump, etc., she loved the little things, those simple moments in life that not everyone appreciated; how can someone that loved life, live knowing that her life is the reason of people's death? That if it wasn't because of her, things would've been different, and people wouldn't have died; that being alive is sentencing people to die, how can someone, so young, so happy to be alive, live knowing all of that? The answer is, they can't.
She can't, she doesn't want to.
After almost losing everyone she had, she knew she didn't want this life, she didn't want to cause any harm, any problems, but she couldn't avoid them. Being alive meant that, and being the Halo bearer simply doubled it. Great.
She can't hold it in anymore, she wants to scream, to yell, to tell every demon "Fuck you!", to run away, to escape, hide, stop existing. That's it. She had to stop existing. It didn't matter if Beatrice got mad at her, or if Mother Superion got disappointed at her for running away this time, or if Mary and the others got hurt, in the end, it would happen sooner or later, Ava wasn't meant to live too long, so it didn't matter.
She was meant to die young, she knew it, she hated it, but at the same time, she was glad, and she hoped that day would come soon. Although she would never admit it, she wouldn't say out loud that she didn't want to be alive anymore, she wouldn't tell anyone, she didn't want people to find out. And she was tired, she didn't want to feel like this, after all, she promised Diego she would make the most of it, and that was a promise she would try and keep as long as she could, but she couldn't help it. She couldn't help but feel guilty about all of this, she knows that she didn't have anything to do with Shannon, and that Shannon's death wasn't her fault, but she knew everything else was. She knew it was her fault that Lilith died, even if she came back to life some time later, and she knew it was her fault that many Nuns died or got injured, and she knew many more would also get hurt as long as she stayed alive.
It was all too much, too many thoughts, too many feelings, she couldn't think straight, she was lost in her thoughts. And then she snapped back. She was watching a movie with Camila, they did this a lot, and because Beatrice wasn't there since she had a mission where she was needed, they were doing this even more; the only one's there beside Ava were Camila, Mary and Mother Superion, everyone else were in said mission, the reason why they stayed was because the mission didn't require the Warrior Nun, so Ava had to stay, and the Cat's Cradle needed protection, who was better for this job than the best with guns and the best at technology? And of course Mother Superion had to stay to supervise these girls.
Ava and Camila spent a lot of time together, while Mary stayed somehow close to them almost the whole time, although sometimes she couldn't be found. The younger girls spent their time watching movies or shows together, well, Ava kind of watched them, she was usually lost in her thoughts, the bad ones, which means she zoned out almost the whole time they watched movies, the only thing that kind of helped Ava to not completely lose herself in her thoughts, was Camila, who would constantly keep any small contact she could with the girl, like taking her hand, or pulling the sleeve of her hoodie, or small things like that; Camila did this to know she wasn't alone, to remind herself that she was safe. So that small contact that they kept helped both of them.
But it wasn't enough, Ava knew it wasn't enough this time, she was spiraling, and it was bad, her hands began to shake, which Camila of course noticed, quickly getting closer to Ava, resting her other hand on Ava's shoulder, "Ava? You okay? You need something? Water?", the short haired girl asked concerned, the shorter girl looked at her, smiling softly, "I'm fine Cam, just a little tired, so if you don't mind, can we finish the movie later? I wanna go take a quick nap", answered the Halo bearer, slowly getting up and walking to her room, closing and locking the door before dropping on the bed, tears already running down her cheeks.
She wanted it stop. No. She needed it to stop. She needed her mind to stop thinking and her body to stop feeling, everything was becoming too much; with every second that went by, she could feel her body hurt more and more, her hands now shaking non stop. She looked at her arms. She was going to do it. It wouldn't matter in the end. The Halo would heal her. It wouldn't leaving any signs of it ever happening. But she could take the sword, or a Divinium knife, something that would hurt, sting, something she would feel for more than a few minutes. More tears ran down her cheeks, now her whole body shaking; she sat up on the bed, and looked around the room to find a small blade Bea had left by accident, once she found it, she got up and grabbed it, seeing it shine. It was amazing how something so beautiful was the only thing capable of hurting her. With a shaky breathe she put the blade close to her arm. She was just about to move it. Just about to cut.
There was a loud knock on the door. It was Mary.
"Ava, can I come in? I need to grab something I left in there, don't ask why I was in your room and just let me inside", yelled the gun expert, there was a microsecond of silence before a painful "Shit!" could be heard from the other side of the door, followed by the sound of metal falling on the floor; the older woman didn't have time to stop her body before she (somehow) unlocked the door and opened it, seeing Ava grabbing her arm while blood fell onto the floor, she also saw the Divinium blade on the floor, at least half of it covered in blood. She quickly closed the door and moved to watch the young girl's arm, who stepped away from her, "Ava, if you don't let me check it, I will force you to", warned Mary, the Halo bearer knew she wasn't playing, so she quickly stepped closer to the older girl, showing her the injured arm; Mary didn't waste a second and quickly grabbed it, gaining a gasp from Ava, she quickly apologized and held it gentler, seeing how bad the damage was.
"Good news, it's not that deep, we just gotta clean it up and bandage it and it should be fine in a few days", said the taller girl, already pulling out the First-Aid Kit she knew Beatrice kept in whatever bedroom she was in, as gently as she could, Mary sat Ava down on the bed, sitting next to her and starting to clean up the blood before cleaning and disinfecting the wound; even if Ava wasn't talking, she knew the girl was in pain for the way she was grabbing Mary's hoodie and the way the Halo was shinning, "You're doing great kid, just a little longer", said the older woman, carefully bandaging the short girl's arm. After she finished, she took the Kit and put it in it's place before taking a deep breathe, "Care to explain how this happened?", she asked, kneeling on the floor to clean up the semi dried blood.
Ava didn't answer, all she could do was cry, grabbing her injured arm tightly and keeping it close to her chest, "I'm sorry", that was all she could say, Mary kept cleaning the floor, not looking up at Ava, "Look kid, I'm not mad at you or anything, but if you keep", her words were cut off with whimpers from Ava, who once again said the only thing she could, "I'm, I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry I, I don't", she couldn't say what she wanted, Ava had a lump in her throat, more tears appeared and she kept shaking. Mary quickly reacted, sitting next to the girl and grabbing both of her hands, holding them tight, "What's wrong?", asked the older girl concerned, before getting an answer, Ava quickly hugged her, hiding her face in the crook of Mary's neck, that's when she knew the short girl needed someone.
Mary didn't say anything, she simply hugged the girl back, gently rubbing circles on her friend's back, while the younger girl kept crying. They stayed like that until the taller woman felt the other one relax, Mary pulled away to see Ava's face, seeing her red eyes and nose, without a word, Mary showed affection the best she could, she put her forehead against Ava's, holding the young woman's head between her hands gently, "It's okay kid, let it out", and with that, Ava felt the lump in her throat slowly disappearing, it took her a few minutes until she could talk, "It's my fault, I shouldn't be alive, if I live then I'm putting people's lives in danger, I don't want that".
Mary finally understood everything, Ava had spiraled so bad it had caused the girl to actually do something about her feelings, the older woman simply rubbed Ava's cheeks softly before answering, "I'm glad you're alive", that's all she said, and it was everything Ava needed to hear, someone actually saying they were happy about her living. When Ava yawned, Mary quickly told her to rest, which she was going to do, but not alone; without any other option, the two girls lied down on the bed, Ava getting close to Mary, who simply allowed her.
Ava was the first one to fall asleep, obviously, all that crying and the Divinium cut had left her tired, as soon as Mary was sure that Ava was completely asleep, she slowly started to play with her friend's hair gently, feeling the young girl relax with this, which only made Mary smile.
"The monster's gone and he's on the run and your sister's here, beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful girl", sang Mary softly, noticing a little smile on Ava's face, after a few more moments of the song, Mary also fell asleep, holding the other girl close, making sure she didn't touch the injured arm.
Ava loved being alive.