Coffee Kisses

The Avengers settled into life at the tower. Weeks passed. They were still adjusting, finding new things to learn about each other, little quirks that affected daily life.

Natasha danced for hours 3x a week in her studio, and nobody was allowed to interrupt or observe at the threat of impalement. Clint liked to climb things and be up high; a person could be easily startled walking into the kitchen and hearing greetings from the top of the refrigerator. Bruce meditated and did yoga in the common room. Thor was gone as often as he was there, but when he did appear, they went through ridiculous amounts of food. And Tony drank coffee.

Correction: Tony drank a lot of coffee. He consumed it. Clint joked that he absorbed the caffeine straight out of the air. With his sleep schedule was erratic at best, and the sheer amount of coffee Tony drank, Steve figured the man would not function well without it.

That was an understatement.

As with most incidents, it was Clint’s fault. Though an argument could be made that the blame rested partially on Thor. (That argument was protested against by saying Thor wasn’t even present at the time of the incident, which was then rebuffed by saying Thor had set the whole thing into motion so it couldn’t be completely Clint’s fault. Nobody accepted this conclusion.)

Thor had started a prank war in the tower, and it’s safe to say that it escalated out of control. Originally Thor had, with the intention of getting a good laugh, put a sticky, glue like substance from Asgard that set when the owner commanded on top of several high places where Clint habitually perched. Thor later confided to Steve that it was a substance of Loki’s invention. The end result was Clint being stuck atop the cabinets for several hours. Clint retaliated by filling Thor’s Pop-tarts with hot sauce. The prank war spread to the rest of the Avengers except for Bruce-for obvious reasons-and Natasha-because even Clint wasn’t that stupid.

Steve found his room completely decorated with 4th of July steamers, balloons, and paint, courtesy of Tony. Steve and Thor attempted to ambush Tony in his lab with silly string, only for his robots to chase them all over.

Thor was contacted by Jane to meet up for a special date, only to arrive and find Darcy instead, who grinned, telling him, “Tony bribed us. Step up your game on this prank war, ken doll.” Thor and Clint tried to set up a booby trap in Tony’s penthouse, only for Jarvis to catch incriminating footage of the whole affair.

Clint went to the archery range to practice, and found all his arrows replaced with the toy ones that had suction cups for tips.

That night, they called an emergency meeting.

“This has gone on long enough!” Clint hissed, throwing one of the fake arrows down onto the closet floor. “We need to get him back!”

“Aye, my friend,” Thor said from where he was perched on top of an overturned bucket. “But we must tread carefully. He is crafty, and has many means of revenge at his fingertips.”

“It has to be a good prank,” Clint insisted. “One that will catch him off guard.”

“Umm…” Steve pushed a mop out of the way, “Why are we all standing in the janitorial closet?”

They both looked at him like he was insane. “To avoid Jarvis overhearing, duh,” Clint replied.

“You do realize there is a more comfortable-and roomy-place in this tower where Jarvis is not installed?” Steve prompted.

He received two blank stares in response.

“One that holds a rather deadly potential ally?”

The maniacal grin that spread across Clint’s face made Steve wished he had kept quiet.

~

“What do you want?” Natasha asked, a stun gun pointed at them.

“Help, fair widow,” Thor answered.

Natasha lowered her weapon. “It’s after 11,” She said with a blank look. “Come back in the morning.”

“Wait!” Clint yelped as she began to close the door. “It’s about Tony.”

Natasha paused, before ushering them inside and closing the door behind them with a click. “I’m listening.”

~

After they explained their dilemma, Natasha merely rolled her eyes. “You’re thinking to simple. Too generic. You gotta hit him where he lives.”

Clint’s eyes lit up. “Or what makes him live, perhaps…”

Steve narrowed his eyes. “What are you thinking, Clint?”

“You’ll see.”

~

Clint and Tony were the only ones in the Tower that drank coffee. Steve didn’t like it, Bruce couldn’t have caffeine, Thor was unaffected by it, and Natasha Stuck to tea and vodka.

So, nobody else noticed when Clint bought his own coffee maker and moved it to his floor, no longer frequenting the kitchen for his daily fix.

Nobody else noticed when the huge stores of coffee kept throughout the tower disappeared for 45 minutes while Tony was in a meeting.

Everybody noticed, however, when Tony started acting stranger than usual.

~

“Are you all right, Tony?” Steve asked as he walked into the common room to find the genius lying on a couch, a washcloth over his eyes.

Tony groaned. “I’ve got a killer migraine. Don’t know why.”

Steve hummed in sympathy, grabbing him some Tylenol.

~

The corner of Clint’s mouth twitched up as he watched a bleary eyed Tony walk straight into the doorframe, blink, and continue on his way.

~

Thor was the first one to find him sleeping-in the elevator of all places, He picked him up and took him to his penthouse, tucking him in bed. Tony didn’t even wake up.

~

Steve was next, finding him slumped over a tablet at his desk.

~

The accidental explosions coming from the lab seemed to triple.

~

Tony stumbled into the kitchen, an empty mug in his hand.

“Good afternoon,” Steve said in greeting, stepping in front of him.

“mmmrgh.” Tony walked into Steve, looking up with a puzzled expression. “Oh. Is’a Steve. ‘Ello Steve.”

“Hello Tony,” Steve replied, slightly bemused. “What’re you doing?”

Tony’s forehead crinkled, producing an adorable crease between his eyebrows. He paused, before his expression smoothed out, his mouth drawing into and ‘o’ shape. He held up his mug for inspection. “Coffee.”

“Okay, well I’ll get out of your way then.” Steve moved to the side, giving Tony a clear path to the coffee maker.

Once his mug was filled, he turned and shuffled back towards the elevator. At the table, Clint-who had been watching the whole thing-dissolved into fits of giggles.

~

“Tony!” Pepper seemed exasperated, even via hologram. “I needed those R&D projects yesterday! What’s going on?”

“I d-don’t know, Pep, I’m sorry, it slipped my mind-“ Tony’s hands shook as he reached for some papers, “I’ll have them to you tonight, I p-promise.”

Her face softened, transitioning into concern. “Tony, when’s the last time you slept? And for how long?”

“Last night, Pep, almost-shit,” he scrambled to pick up the files he dropped, “almost 7 hours I s-swear, I just-“ a huge yawn cut him off “I feel weird. I think I need more coffee.”

“Maybe you’ve had too much,” she sounded dubious.

“Maybe,” he plopped back in his chair, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Goodbye Pep.”

~

“Hey Tony, any chance I could get a word with you about the armor specs for the team?”

“Not now Rogers,” Tony snapped. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m busy. And I don’t have time for geriatric supersoldiers pestering me.”

Surprised by the hostility in his tone, Steve took a step back. He thought Tony and he were making some progress, even becoming friends, and he didn’t know what he had done that would have warranted this outburst. Tony was just being rude. He narrowed his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark, I thought you might be able to spare a few minutes for your team, you know-the bunch of superheroes you have living with you? It’s kinda important to get the armor upgraded so that we are properly protected, but you know, if you are just too busy then I suppose our safety will just have to wait.”

Tony spun around, a retort ready on his lips, but his mug slipped out of his grasp, shattering on the ground and spilling coffee everywhere.

“Oh, fuck, I-“ Tony dropped to his knees, trying to pick up the pieces with his bare hands. “I’m sorry-I just-I didn’t mean to-“ His words were coming too fast, his breath hitching, and Steve realized he was pretty close to crying.

“Hey,” Steve knelt down, pulling Tony’s hands away from the sharp shreds. “Don’t do that, you’ll hurt yourself.”

“I’m sorry I just-“ Tony looked at their hands. “Just need to fix-sorry-just trying…”

“It’s okay, I guess it’s just your thing to spill coffee around me, huh?” Steve meant it as a joke, but Tony burst into tears. “Crap, Tony I didn’t mean-well…” he trailed off, patting
Tony awkwardly on the back, feeling very unqualified to deal with this.

“I was just trying…so sorry…just tired…m’alright…” Tony’s sentences were coming in short fragments.

“Hey, it’s alright, how about we get you to bed, and I’ll clean this up, okay?”

Tony fell asleep in this arms on the way up to his penthouse, and Steve put him to bed. As he got a damp rag and headed back towards the kitchen, he opened his phone and dialed a number he seldom used. “Miss Potts? I think we have a problem.”

~

All of the Avengers except Thor were sitting around the kitchen table the next morning. Tony was tapping furiously on his tablet, Clint was actively trying to drown his pancakes in maple syrup, Natasha was doing her nails and chewing gum, Bruce was sipping tea, and Steve was pretending to read the newspaper while actually keeping a worried eye on Tony.

Tony, who seemed to have little to no memory of the previous night.

The clack of heels on the tile floor caused all of their heads to snap up. Varying degrees of horror flashed across their faces as Virginia Potts, armed with a huge cup of coffee, a stack of files, and the face of a woman going into battle strode into the room.

Tony gulped. “What did I do? I didn’t even do anything!”

“No,” Pepper said gently, placing the coffee in front of him, her free hand landing in his hair. “You didn’t. But somebody else did. Now drink.”

Tony obliged, humming happily as he chugged his first coffee in 6 days. Pepper glared around the table. “Who was it?”

Natasha snapped her gum, resuming painting her left pinky a tasteful beige. “Clint.”

Clint squeaked and shrunk in his seat as the fury of Pepper rounded on him.

She stared.

He gulped audibly.

She smiled.

He flinched.

Pepper dropped the stack of files on the table in front of him. “Paperwork on the past month. All Avengers duties, field reports, as well as a detailed report on why Tony’s productivity and mental health took an alarming dive this week. Due to Nick Fury tomorrow, 2:30 sharp. You'll be volunteering at 6 community service events with low profile coverage, as well as handling the paparazzi for the next week. And you owe Tony a cup of coffee.” She turned, kissed Tony on the cheek, and walked away, waving as she did. “Thanks for the call, Steve.” And she was gone.

Clint stared in dismay at the folders and then back at his food, seeming unwilling to finish eating.

Tony finished his cup, threw it across the room into the trash, and sighed, popping his back. “What did you do to her?”

Clint pouted. “I switched all your coffee out for decaf.”

There was a collective inhalation around the table.

“Ah.” Tony blinked. “that explains some things. I would be mad, only…” he gestured helplessly at the papers, “Pepper already is. So…good one.”

“Can we declare this prank war over?” Steve sighed with longsuffering.

“All in favor?” Natasha asked, raising one perfectly manicured eyebrow. All hands raised. “Good. Prank war over. I think Pepper won.”

Tony hopped up, a grin on his face, bouncing on his toes with his usual energy. “Well, with that settled I’m off to the lab. Got a lot to catch up on, and Steve, feel free to drop by later to talk about those armor specs.” He winked, leaving Steve speechless, spun on his heel, and walked off.

Steve couldn’t help but reflect that this could have all been avoided if Tony didn’t drink the rotten stuff in the first place.