Only Love Can Hurt Like This

He counted the days and he hated that he did.

Seven days, a whole week. Matt hadn’t expected to bounce back in an instant, no, of course he wouldn’t get over it in a week.

He had hoped, though. He had hoped he would forget it and move on, and not feel his heart clench at the mere thought of Frank or feel as though he was dying at any hint of the man’s scent. But he supposed denial was another one of the Daredevil’s hidden powers.

Though, being the Daredevil was a nice escape. Putting on the mask, that new face, was like becoming someone else for a little while. Focusing on the work left no room in his head for thoughts of anything else. No thoughts about Frank, no hate for him, no love for him, and no guilt for breaking his promise and lying to Foggy again. For a few hours, Matt could be free of those things.

But the Kitchen was calm. It always seemed to be whenever Matt didn’t want it to be; when he needed the distraction of running, and fighting, and physical pain to ground him in the real world. He shouldn’t be mad though. Really, he should be happy, overjoyed. The Kitchen was calm, which meant there was no evil to root out and no evil-doers to put away. It meant the good could flourish and bloom.

He listened intently still. Just because the garden was thriving, didn’t mean there were no snakes in the grass.

“Don’t worry.”

Matt tensed at the voice, spine quivering inside him.

“Just passin’ through.”

Frank.

*

The days were a crawl.

He still moved about in the day, did what he could in whatever dark corners were at his disposal. It was harder. Without the dark of night to cover his back, he was left exposed. Without Matt to see what he couldn’t, he was-

No.

Don’t think about him, don’t think about it. Forget it. That’s what was decided. Forget it, move on, work.

So he tried to save it for nightfall. Tried to save work for when his back was covered and people too scared to refuse his help.

Just his luck, though. The dark was where Daredevil worked too. He tried to stay away, keep his distance, keep their paths from crossing, focus on work, but the Kitchen wasn’t exactly a big place and Frank couldn’t track him by hearing or scent or whatever it was this Devil did.

He climbed a ladder from one roof to another. This was a good spot; good sight-lines and the ladder was so rusty it creaked at the slightest touch so sneaking up on him would be hard. Setting up perch there for the night was a good plan. Listen in on the police band, keep his rifle at the ready, prepped to shoot and move at a moments notice.

Frank’s heart almost stopped when he saw the Devil was already there; he was perched at the corner of the building, ears and nose scouring for anything to jump on. He hadn’t heard Frank. Too focused on over there to notice right here. Could probably sneak by without him noticing. Could probably be long gone before he thought to check his six. But probably was stupid. He’d smell him, hear him trying to slither away unnoticed. Best to speak up, best to say something then move along and forget it and focus.

“Don’t worry.” he said.

His voice was steady. Whiskey kept him from shaking.

Daredevil flinched, surprised.

“Just passin’ through.”

*

Matt took a deep breath. He wouldn’t cry, not infront of him, wouldn’t give the bastard any more satisfaction.

Frank crossed the roof. He was walking fast. He probably wanted to put as much distance between them as possible. For that, Matt sure as hell couldn’t blame him. He wanted to run too, and crawl into bed and cry even though he would hate himself for it.

“You owe me a fight.”

The marine froze. He took a deep breath, heart speeding up. His fingers were shaking, making odd vibrations in the air. The image of him became distorted in Matt’s head. It was unnerving. Matt didn’t think for a second Frank would draw on him, but still, not being able to get a clear picture of those treacherous hands made Matt’s own hands twitch. He was ready to move, to dodge, to throw punches, if he had to.

“What?” Frank asked.

“A fight.” Matt repeated. “That’s how this works, Frank. We fight, we break up, someone leaves.”

Frank’s heart was pounding then, like a bass drum right next to Matt’s ear. Matt stomped across the roof. Before he knew, he had shoved Frank with every ounce of strength he had.

“That’s how it works!” he shouted.

Frank hit the ground. He grunted and groaned at the pain of the fall, but said nothing.

“You skipped the first step.” Matt said, standing over him. “You broke up and you left, so youowe me a fucking fight.”

He took a wary step back as Frank started moving. The last thing he wanted was Frank to get the drop on him. Matt might be faster, lighter, but Frank hit harder. He had no mercy.

“I’m not gonna fight.” Frank said as he came to his feet.

Really? That’s how he was going to play it? Pretend to be the good guy in this, by refusing to fight and scream and yell? Well, Matt could fight for them both.

“Fine!” he shouted, shoving Frank again.

Lucky for him, Frank was ready that time. He staggered back, put off balance for a moment, but stayed on his feet.

“I’ll do the fighting.” Matt said, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “I mean, that’s only right, isn’t it? I’m the only one this,” he continued, gesturing between them. ”-actually meant something to, right?”

“That’s not fair.” Frank said, shaking his head slowly as if to shake off the notion.

“Fair? Fair?!” Matt shouted at him. “I don’t give a shit what you think is fair, Frank. What would’ve been fair, is you tellin’ me you only wanted sex!”

Oh, he was so angry! He still couldn’t believe it! Frank could have just told him that he wanted it to be casual! Just sex! Matt was a fucking grown up! He could take it. Just sex would have been fine, if Frank had fucking told him that’s what he wanted.

Now Matt wanted a fight. He wanted a screaming match for the ages, and a fucking answer. Why? Why would Frank do this to him? He had trusted Frank! He had tried his hardest to make this thing between them work. To find out that...that Frank never even cared? He just wanted to know why. There was no logic or reasoning in Matt’s mind anymore. He wanted to fight and scream and yell because he was in pain. The betrayal burned in his chest like he had been stabbed with a red-hot poker.

“What d’you want from me, huh?” Frank asked. “What d’you want?”

He wasn’t yelling, and somehow that just made Matt even more angry. He literally just wanted to know why, and he fucking said as much already. God, he could just punch this asshole in the face!

“I wanna know why!” he shouted instead.

He knew taking the fight to a physical level was a bad idea.

“Why you’d lie like that! If sex’s all you wanted, you coulda fuckin’ said so!” Matt continued. “O-Or d’you think ‘cause I’m some prissy altar boy I couldn’t handle that?! That I couldn’t handle gettin’ fucked out of my mind without feel-”

“I didn’t lie!” Frank interrupted, finally raising his voice. “Okay? I didn’t lie.”

Didn’t lie? Didn’t lie, Matt’s pearly-white ass! Frank had the actual audacity to say something like that now? Matt had to scoff in ridicule.

“Considering our current situation, I beg to differ!” he said.

Frank crossed the distance between them in less than a second. He was the one doing the shoving then. Matt defiantly stayed on his feet, refusing to fall.

“I thought I could do it, okay?! I thought I could do this,” Frank spat, and Matt saw a blurry hand gesture between them. ”-but I was wrong!”

“Oh, so you just decided to wait ‘til I fell in love with you to break up with me?” Matt bit, spitting out the words as though they tasted of vinegar.

“Will you shut up?!” Frank shouted. “Just shut your fucking mouth!”

He shoved Matt again. His mind betrayed him, too wrapped up in anger to be prepared for another push. So he staggered back, and tripped over his own goddamn feet. But Matt wouldn’t let it be over just because he fell on his ass. Frank was trying to walk away: trying to use Matt’s moment of incapacitation to run away like the fucking coward he was.

“Why, Frank?!” Matt yelled after him. “You already know I fucking love you! So tell me why!”

His hands were wet and dirty from landing in a puddle of rainwater. Still, Matt gripped at the water as if it was a rock or anything solid, and threw it at Frank. It didn’t do anything; lonely drops spattering over the man’s back.

“I fucking deserve to know!” he shouted.

*

Why was he being so fucking stubborn?! Matt just had to be so stubborn all the fucking time, and Frank could fucking strangle him for it this time. Couldn’t he just leave it alone? Just leave it alone, and let things be what they were. Things sucked they way they were, Frank knew it and he hated it, but it was better that way! Better that things were crap, than Matt dying. Than Matt dying and it being Frank’s fault.

“I wanna say it!” he yelled finally, turning back to glare at Matt.

Fine! If Matt wanted to know so fucking bad, then fine! Frank would fucking tell him! Frank’d tell him why. Frank’d say why, but he’d rather die than say it. Frank rather he die, than Matt.

“Okay?! Got it, Red? I wanna! I-I feel it! Feel like you! Okay? A-And I wanna tell ya! I do!” he said, as Matt clamored to get to his feet. “Trust me, I wanna say it so fuckin’ bad, but I can’t! I just fuckin’ can’t! I can’t! I can’t fucking say it, Red!”

“Why?!” Red shouted.

He grabbed Frank by the Kevlar, and jerked him closer. Frank resisted as best he could. Red was strong, though. He stumbled forward into Matt, chests bumping together.

“Why can’t you say it, you miserable fuck?!” Matt hissed through gritted teeth.

Frank growled. He grabbed Red’s wrists, twisted out to force him to let go, and threw him away while stepping back.

“’Cause you’ll die!” he roared.

Take it! Take the curse! Matt could carry it if he wanted, because Frank was sick of it. Sick of being cursed, sick of being doomed, sick of not getting what he wanted, sick of not getting Matt. So Red wanted to have it? He could take it!

“I say it, and you die! I say it and you fuckin’ die, just like-!”

Wanted to say it. Say it and scream it and yell it and spit it in his face to make him understand. Just fucking understand it. Get it. How could he not get it? Stupid, stupid, stupid, so stupid.

“Like...they did.” Frank said, voice soft like a whisper instead. “I say it, and you die like they did.”

Wanted to scream it in his face, but his throat wouldn’t let him. Wouldn’t let him use them, that, as a weapon. Kind of glad for it. He’d be sick with himself if he did, if he did use it like that. Tried to manipulate that horror like that.

“Frank...”

*

Oh...oh, no. Matt, you idiot...you stupid, fucking idiot.

How did he not get it before? Any time before this? Before he decided to do this to Frank. Of course that would make this, this stupid fucking thing between them, difficult. Of course it would be hard for Frank to do anything like this again, have a relationship, without being scared to death that his partner would face the same fate.

“Frank...”

What could he say? What could Matt possibly say now? When he had ripped and torn at Frank, and basically forced him to lay his very soul bare?

Matt could smell the salt of tears, and it made for an odd mix as the tears rolled down Frank’s cheeks.

“Matt. I...I can’t.” Frank choked out, shaking his head slowly. “Can’t do it again, Red. Barely survived the first time. Won’t live through it another time. Won’t survive it.”

Oh, God...Matt wasn’t sure he had ever heard Frank sound like that before; at least not many times. He sounded so...broken up inside. And Matt...he got it. In one fell swoop, in a matter of seconds, Frank’s whole world had been ripped away. In just seconds, his Universe had imploded in on itself. He looked like it too. Frank’s shoulders were slumped lower than Matt had ever seen, head hanging as if there was too many heavy thoughts rolling around inside it, hands gripping loosely at nothing but air in restlessness.

“It’ll kill me, Red. Losin’ you like them...it’ll rip me to pieces.” the man continued. “Can’t...put myself back together again. Can’t do it again.”

He was such an idiot. He should have realized sooner. He should have known from the moment this shit started that morning. How could he have overlooked it? Something so huge, and meaningful, and unforgettable?

“Oh, Frank...I’m an idiot.” Matt said.

There was nothing else to say. No right thing, no words that could explain or make up for all he had said and done.

“I’m such a fucking idiot.” he said again, insisted on it, like it would make Frank understand that Matt knew he was an idiot and messed up so fucking bad. “I didn’t- I didn’t even...I didn’t think-“

Frank shook his head again, slowly, minutely. He seemed close to frozen, almost catatonic.

“Matt...” he said softly once more.

He sounded ready to surrender. To what he would be surrendering, Matt wasn’t sure. Yet, Frank both looked and sounded ready to give in, give up, give out. Ready to break into pieces all over again, even though he had tried so hard to avoid doing just that.

Matt didn’t want him to. He didn’t want Frank to give up. He couldn’t let him. He couldn’t stand by and watch silently as Frank died on the inside. Matt loved him, loved him infinitely and unendingly. It would kill Matt just as much to watch Frank do this to himself. He couldn’t let it happen. Could never let it happen.

And it wouldn’t. It would never happen if Matt was there. So long as Matt was there to help carry whatever Frank had weighing on him, it would never drag the marine down. Matt would carry it all if that was what Frank needed him to do. If that meant that Frank would never say it, then so be it. So be it. Matt could live with that. He’d be glad to live with it, if it made Frank stay with him. Matt could live with never hearing it if Frank was there to hear Matt say it.

“Fine.” Matt said “Fine.”

He stepped into Frank’s space again. Though this time, there was no ill-intent. No anger, no grief, and no heartbreak. His hands found Frank’s face, smoothing out his hair and wiping the tears from his cheeks and running his thumb along the man’s bottom lip. God, he wanted to kiss him; wanted to kiss him and tell him it was okay. It hadn’t been okay for a while, but now it was. It was okay now. They could figure this out. They would figure it out.

“I’ll say it. I’ll say it for me and I’ll say it for you.” he promised, pressing quick kissed to the man’s face between words. “I’ll say it for the both of us. It’s okay.”

The tears tasted as salty as they smelled, but Matt had missed this. Tasting Frank on his lips, and just having him near.

“Red?” Frank murmured.

He almost sounded as though he was in disbelief. As if he just couldn’t possibly believe what Matt was telling him.

“I love you, Frank.” Matt said, like a promise, like an oath. “And you love me too.”

Even through his disbelief...Frank nodded. Sure, his eyes were overflowing with tears and his heart raced, but he nodded.