Why Did You Choke My Love Away?
Chapter 1 - Why Did You Choke My Love Away?
“Jem, it’s can’t be. You’re gone.”
The words of her soul mark are rare, very rare, though they never really felt real. She never felt the connection that everyone else seemed to feel with their soulmates. The bond should be deep, even before the first meeting, soulmates have been known to feel each others happiness, sorrows, and in some instances, pain. That is, according to everything she has read or heard about soulmates. She did not feel the other soul to which she was connected. At least, not for some time.
Her mark includes her name or at least a part of her name. This is almost unheard of, in fact she could not find a direct source in any of her research, just some second hand stories and the occasional ancient myth. Myths, that told of soulmates only knowing mirrored versions of themselves, and never fully having that connection she craved to feel. The rest of her mark did not lend any comfort to the situation. You’re gone, could be mean a lot of things, but somehow she knows it means dead. After obsessing over her soul mark for years, she loses hope on ever understanding. This is the first time she loses faith in her soulmate but not the last.
At the S.H.I.E.L.D. Academy she learns to hide her mark to avoid talking to other scientists about it and the inevitable experimentation that would come. No, she finds it best to avoid it, pretend its not there. Fitz is the only one she trusts. They have had many lengthy conversations about what it could mean but for the most part, he respects her wants to keep it secret.
***
The first time she meets Grant Ward is on the Bus, she’s bickering with Fitz and he startles them both by dropping his bag. She gathers her composure and with a wide smile says, “Oh, well hello there!” A little too eager, she must admit.
For a long moment he just stands there staring at her with wide eyes and an awestruck expression. Then he says, “Hello I wasn’t expecting this…”
She blushes, she has no idea what he means, but he is very handsome. She then looks to Fitz who is equally confused, they both quickly introduce themselves. Fitz asks for his comms and smashes it going straight to work on improving it.
Delighted to be distracted by work she quickly moves over to him to swab his mouth. She likes how close this act allows her to get to him, he hasn’t taken his eyes off her. She fills an odd tingle down her spine, and a slight floating sensation. It’s almost how she imagines meeting her soul mate for the fist time would feel, though she knows she hasn’t. He didn’t say those words.
Uncomfortable, she begins to babble about the improvements Fitz is making to his comms. Then she asks, “So are you excited to be coming on our journey into mystery?”
“Like Christmas” he replies sarcastically.
She meets his eyes and gives him a coy smile. He smiles, nods and turns to follow Coulson. She feels slightly frazzled for the rest of the day.
After their first meeting, it feels like Ward is everywhere. She is constantly bumping in to him and can’t help but smile when she does. She chalks it up to close quarters and his good looks.
A few days later they are alone in the common room, she is researching their latest case, he is writing something in a notebook. He gets up and starts to leave the room. She notices he left his note book and she grabs it so she can hand it to him. She catches a glimpse of his writing and freezes. She recognizes the way he writes his J’s and G’s, especially the curve of his question marks. She knows this handwriting well, she has been pondering this handwriting since she was little girl.
She must have called to him without noticing. He is behind her and close enough for her to feel his breath on her neck. “Yes?”
Without thinking she quickly turns around to face him and reaches towards his waistline. She begins fumbling with the button of his pants, which is difficult as she realizes she is shaking. She takes a deep breath and forces herself to calm down. She is finally able to unbutton his pants and pull them down a little on the left side, just enough to see his hip bone and the words. Her words, in her handwriting. “Oh well hello there!”
Her breath catches. She looks up at him and has no idea what to think.
He tentatively begins to reach out towards her waist. When she makes no move to stop him, he easily finesses the button of her pants and pulls down the left side. His brow furrows with confusion. “This is my handwriting, but I…I never said this.”
“I know, leave it to my soul mark to become even more of a mystery.” She says with a sad smile.
They stay like that for a long time. Staring at each other in awe and confusion. Eventually Ward says “ I thought you didn’t say anything because you didn’t want to get reassigned.”
She nods, S.H.I.E.L.D. does not let known soulmates work in the field together as it leads to distraction. “Well that makes sense, I suppose we should keep this quite, considering we don’t even know what this means, don’t really want to involve anyone else.”
He nods and gives a slight smile in which she returns. They quickly turn away from each other and button their pants, when they here Fitz and Skye coming towards them.
Luckily a new case keeps her too distracted to dwell on Ward and her soul mark.
Then she gets sick with the Chitauri virus.
Ward wont stop staring at her with an intense look across his face. She does her best to ignore him so she can create an anti-serum. She only allows herself to meet his gaze once or twice. After their last test fails, she knows what she needs to do. She asks to have a moment with Fitz, Ward gives her a long, questioning glance before he turns to leave. She wishes she could say good bye, but knows he would try to stop her. The last thing she sees before she jumps is Fitz waking up and screaming at her.
Then she is falling, and can barely think straight with the wind forcing pressure against her. She thinks she must be hallucinating when she sees something coming towards her from above. It’s Ward. She involuntarily reaches out to him.
He grabs her and says “It’s okay Jem, I’ve got you.”
She starts to resist him “No…” Then she feels a sharp sting in her leg and a large shock throughout her body before everything goes black.
*
It feels like she’s floating. It’s dark and bright at the same time. She knows she should be scared, yet she feels secure. She can hear a calming voice around her and throughout her.
“Jem, Jem it’s okay, I’m with you. I always will be. I love you and will always do what’s best for you… I am so sorry Jem. You deserve so much more then me.”
Then she feels a sharp pain in her nose and can’t breath.
*
She wakes up coughing and sputtering the water she’s inhaled. They are in the water, he is doing his best to keep her afloat. “It’s okay, your safe, just breath.”
“What…?” She can’t form the words.
“The anti-serum worked, just knocked you out for a little while.”
That must have been why Fitz was screaming. “Oh well, thank you for saving me then.” She says lamely, unsure of what else to say.
“Jem, I was going to jump for you either way, I wasn’t going to let you die alone. I may not be entirely yours, but you are my soulmate. I will do my best to protect you.”
She doesn’t know what else to do so she just nods.
They sit in silence enjoying being close to each other, while they wait to be picked up.
Later that night the words of her dream are stuck in her mind. He called her Jem, she has never let someone call her that, the nickname was reserved for her soulmate. She is okay with it though, she likes the way it sounds coming from him.
She can’t sleep. Once she is sure no one will see, she goes to him, only intending to talk. However when she sees him, all sense goes out the window.
She reaches up towards his face and kisses him. For a split second he gives in, then pulls her away from him and looks her in the eye. “Jem…we shouldn’t.”
“I don’t care.”
This time he kisses her. It is intense, passionate, heady, and completely mind boggling. They quietly step forward and land on his bed. When she tries to take things further, he firmly stops her. He looks upset and turns away from her. She doesn’t understand.
“Jemma, we can’t do this. Today was a great example as to why S.H.I.E.L.D doesn’t allow soulmates to work in the field together. We can’t afford to lose focus.”
“You don’t want me?” Slips out of her mouth before she has time to realize how insecure and obviously false that statement is.
He reaches for her cheek and says, “Dammit Jem, of course I do, but first and foremost I need to protect you” He pauses and looks away again. “Without distraction.”
Always one to side with practicality, she says “Oh well, I… Yes of course, I understand.” She curtly nods and gets up to leave.
He sighs and says “I’m sorry.” He doesn’t stop her.
***
Over the next few weeks she can tell he is trying to distance himself, she lets him. They still share a few glances and smiles, which are nice. He does do his best to help her over come her fears after the virus.
That is until, they find the Asgardian staff. He barely looks at her after that. He still does everything he can to protect her on missions. Though he is much colder towards her. She still try’s to reach out to him, though she gives up when she realizes he’s been sleeping with May. She tries to feign indifference, she fears she does not do this very well.
The coldness between them should help with the pain when she learns he’s Hydra. It does not. She still has the smallest amount of hope that its true, until he’s trapped them in the pod. Fitz is trying to talk him out of it, convince him he is still good. She knows it’s too late.
Fitz says “I know you care for us, you care for her.” Gesturing towards Jemma.
Bitterly she says “No he doesn’t, he doesn’t care about any of us.”
Ward stares straight at her with hurt in his eyes. “That’s not true, I care deeply for you…it’s a weakness.”
They refuse to open the door, he drops the pod from the Bus into the air. She wakes up next to Fitz in the pod at the bottom of the ocean. After she learns just how dire the situation is, she starts to cry. Fitz grabs her hand. “I know your heartbroken Jemma, he betrayed us, he betrayed his soulmate. But we need to do our best to preserve the air.”
She stops and nods, because he’s right. Then she realizes. “You, you know?”
“Well I recognized his handwriting, and kind of assumed. It makes sense, you should have seen his face when he jumped off the Bus for you.”
She laughs humorlessly, “Oh yes he’s done such a great job of showing his love for me.”
***
After Fitz risks his life and is left brain damaged, she feels such bitter resentment and hate for Ward. She obsesses over everything Ward did, watches him through the video feed in Vault D. She tries to hold the hate and revenge back. Late on the night before she leaves to join Hydra as a mole, she sneaks into see him. She leaves the screen opaque so he cant see her and she doesn’t have to look at him.
“Was everything a lie Ward?” she says quietly.
“I was wondering when you were going to come see me…”
“I know the soul mark was real. You can’t fake that. I only want to know, were all the things you said,… a lie? Where you really just interested in Skye the whole time?” She’s not sure what she wants to hear. She just wants to know.
“No, I do love you, I think a part of me always will, but sometimes soulmates just don’t work out. Sometimes fate, is wrong. Skye is just a better…fit for me.”
She chokes down the hurt the statement provides. “You never loved me, I was just a weakness to you.”
“Yes you were, but I meant everything I said to you when we fell.”
“No, no! You said you would always protect me! Does leaving me and Fitz to die at the bottom of the ocean count as protection?!” Tears are falling down her face and she is shaking with anger. She is glad he can’t see her.
He is quiet for a long moment. “Jem… I…”
“No! Don’t you ever call me that! You have no right.” She cuts him off, her voice fierce.
He laughs, he actually laughs. She almost blacks out from the fury that storms throughout her. She has nothing more to say to him.
She is able to compartmentalize her anger, while she works for Hydra. She lets it fuel her but not distract her.
The straw breaks when Coulson walks him through the base. He looks right past her, towards Skye. She is filled with rage and as much as she hates to admit, jealousy. She steps in front of Skye, forcing him to look at her, and promises to kill him. The sickening smile he gives her just confirms, she wants revenge for every lie he told her.
When she finally has the opportunity to kill him, she does everything she can to ensure that she will be successful. Yet she ultimately fails.
He holds his gun to her head She is ready for him to kill her, she doesn’t expect anything different from him. Then he tells her “You’ve disappointed me.”
She’s disgusted with him, and with herself. He walks away. She decides not to let him take anymore from her and does her best not to think of him.
She does a good job of this until she ends up on the planet.
***
After a few weeks of surviving alone, she wonders if he can feel her, how lonely and scared she is. Then she meets and eventually falls in love with Will. Kissing Will may not have the same physical effect as Ward, but it’s so much better. She knows he loves her, he’s not lying to her.
One night they discuss soulmates. Will admits that his soulmate died of cancer, “I saw her everywhere, after she died. I decided the only way to get away from the pain was to go to another planet. Then I was left alone with nothing but my thoughts of her. It felt like a cosmic joke of sorts.”
She sighs, sorry for his pain, yet almost jealous of the brief honest time he had with his soulmate. “Yes, it seems the cosmos loves to make cruel jokes out of soulmates.” She tells him all about her and Ward.
When she’s done he holds her. “I am sorry, you don’t deserve that.” She can hear the andger in his voice. Then more gently he says, “I love you.”
She let’s Ward go and she leans in to kiss him. “I love you too.”
***
After Fitz saves her, she tells him everything about her time on that awful planet.
He tells her that Ward was vital in rescuing her. He contacted Fitz directly and told him everything he knew about Hydra and the obelisk. “I obviously didn’t trust him but we were desperate to get you back. The information he gave was actually quiet useful.”
She’s dumbfounded. “Hmm, maybe he could feel me and actually cared. Or he could feel that I loved another man and he wanted to take that away from me too.” She tries to laugh though it sounds more like a sob.
Fitz grabs her hand and shrugs, “Who knows with that psychopath, but either way I think it will be best to stay away from him.”
She smiles lightly, “I couldn’t agree more.”
***
She’s been kidnapped by Hydra, they want her to help them bring It back. She won’t let them, she can’t let them. She’s in a room with a guard at the door, Ward comes in and sends the guard away. Of course, he’s with Hydra again. She glares at him and does her best to make her tone icy. “What do you want?”
He smiles at her, “It’s so nice to see you. I was…concerned.”
She rolls her eyes, “Oh I’m sure you were just sick with worry.”
His smile falls. “I was. I could feel everything - your pain, your determination,…your hope.”
“Oh right of course. Did you feel how lonely I was those first weeks? Did you care that I thought I was goanna die alone?”
He looks wounded now. “Yes, I didn’t want to you to go through that. But, you weren’t alone the whole time though, were you?”
She looks away she does not want to talk to him about Will.
Softly he says, “You loved him.”
She wills her tears not to fall and gives a slight nod as reply.
“I felt that. I felt the pain of your loss for him too.”
She looks back at him. “Did that make you happy? For me to feel broken again?”
“No!” He bangs the table, making he jump a little. “I have never wanted you to feel like that.” He says through gritted teeth.
“Then why does it seem you have gone out of your way to make me feel that way countless times?”
“I’m truly sorry for that. I didn’t deserve you, I had to push you away.”
“Oh and now you deserve me?” she scoffs.
“No. That’s why I am going to that planet. To bring...that other guy back, for you. I have been looking for a way to get there since you got back.”
Her eyes grow big. “W-What? You expect me to believe that!” She almost laughs.
“Not now, no. But I want you to know I am doing all of this for you… and ultimately it’s what’s best for us.”
She doesn’t know what to say or even what to believe. Quietly she says, “Ward you can’t let that thing come here.” She knows he won’t listen to her.
This time he looks away, “I have to, for us.” He gets up to leave. Before he leaves he looks her in the eye and says “I do love you Jem. Sorry, Jemma.”
She says nothing back just watches him leave.
She knows when he dies. She can’t feel it in the same way soulmates do, and yet somehow she knows he’s gone. Fitz and Coulson confirm it when they get back. She’s not relieved or sad, just numb.
Later, she cries herself to sleep. She tells herself it’s just for Will. Though a small part of her knows some of the tears are for Ward and what could have been.
***
They are trying to reach Radcliffe before Hive does. He catches up to them.
She won’t let herself be distracted by Ward’s hollow eyes, they aren’t his eyes anymore. When he starts talking in Will’s voice though, it feels like all of the air in her body escapes. Hive is so close to her, talking like Will, staring like Ward. Tears are running down. His hand reaches to cup her cheek, she can’t resist turning into his touch. But its not Will, it’s not even Ward.
As Will, he says “I don’t want you to end up dead like me” Then as Ward, “We don’t want that to happen to you.”
Hive smiles down at her. “It’s interesting how they both loved you so differently. Will’s love was easy to feel, right at the surface, the only hope left in him. Grant’s love on the other hand, ran much deeper. You were a part of him, a part of everything he did. Although he was almost resentful of his love for you. But still, they both loved you enough to die for you.” He gives another cruel smile.
She shoots him in the stomach and runs.
A few weeks after that she feels it. Something strong within her, spreading warmth through her body. She feels mostly joy but also pain and sorrow. She drops an empty cylinder, the sound of the glass hitting the ground brings her back to the lab. She knows beyond a doubt she has felt the soul bond that has eluded her for so long. Her mind is rushing in different directions.
Was her soulmate just born?
Did Ward somehow come back?
She learns that the latter is not the case when they send Hive and Lincoln into space to die.
***
Time passes, she is able to move on. The soul bond never falters.
When she wakes up in the Framework, she digs herself out of a mass grave. After her visit to Coulson turns south, she goes back to the rendezvous point to find Daisy. They are trying to make sense of this new world when she hears the words she’s waited decades to hear.
“Jem?” The tone is almost a whisper, then becomes stronger. “It can’t be, you’re gone.”
The way he says her name has all of the warmth and compassion she always thought he would. She feels a sensation through her body. It’s similar to when she met Ward and when she first felt the bond, but it is so much more and completely overwhelming. Her skin is warm, she is utterly joyous.
Her smile drops, when her mind catches up. She looks up, her blood turns to ice when she sees Grant Ward staring at her with wet eyes. His look is not unlike the look he had when she first met him, but full of sorrow, confusion, and disbelief.
Quietly she says “No.” Then in the strongest and coldest voice she can muster she says “No! This is a cruel joke.”