“Shut up Weasel,” Deadpool hisses into his phone, staring at the robbery currently in progress at some inside ATM place. Since when are ATMs inside? Aren’t they supposed to be outside for ease of use or something?
“Aren’t ATMs supposed to be outside?” Deadpool asks over Weasel’s indignant cursing.
The phone goes silent on the other side as the men inside the ATM… thing… fiddle with the ATM’s cherry or something, “Wade. Please tell me you’re not robbing an ATM. That’s so beneath you, man!”
“That hurts, man. And not in the ‘Yes, please, daddy hurt me!’ kind of way,” Deadpool huffs, flipping his nonexistent hair over his shoulder.
Weasel says something using his disappointment voice when one of the robbers turns around. The man’s grip on the gun is noticeably too tight even from Deadpool’s point of view on the roof across the street, “Holy shit balls, it’s a floating Iron Man head!”
“Do you even listen—“ Weasel begins to ask using his irritation voice when Deadpool hangs up on him. He shoves the phone into one of his many pouches as he stands up from his perch on the side of the roof and jumps into an overflowing dumpster in the alleyway behind the building.
“Holy shit biscuit fun times,” Deadpool murmurs as his shoulder pops back into place and he climbs out of the dumpster. “Not my most graceful landing, but the judges give it a reasonable 6.5.”
Just as he’s about to make his way across the street to maybe get the floating Iron Man head’s autograph, he notices a new figure enter the weird inside ATM thing.
“Hey, whoa man! Did you copy my suit? I think he copied my suit!” Deadpool yells at some random people walking on his side of the street who immediately run away. “Sigh. Apparently I need a copyright or something.”
“Wait a minute—you guys aren’t the real Avengers!” the suit-stealer yells at the robbers. “Hulk gives it away!”
Deadpool stops in his tracks, his jaw dropping as he hears the glorious sass escaping that sexy ass whoever-he-is.
“New move I’m working on,” suit-stealer quips as he jumps on the ceiling and effortlessly blocks a punch from the floating hands not connected to the floating Iron Man head.
“I think I just fell in love,” Deadpool says to his crowd of one: himself. And they all agree.
Suddenly, Captain America pulls a fucking claw-shaped-thingy out of his bag and uses it on the suit-stealer.
Licking the drool from his mask, Deadpool rushes across the street to help his new love, grabbing a gun from its holster and clicking off the safety. However, before he can even do anything, some white sticky substance shoots out of the suit-stealer and pulls a table into the Captain’s back, knocking him out.
Hulk grabs the claw thingymajig and shoots it off, missing the suit-stealer by a mile. Deadpool watches, his mask’s eyes bulging as the thing hits the building he was just on top of.
“Hey, asshole!” Deadpool yells, getting everyone’s attention as he shoots the Hulk in the hand. “Dude! You’re not even real! And I’m betting the floating Iron Man head isn’t real either! Motherfucking fuck!”
Hulk curses and falls to his knees holding his bloody hand. “You look like the stupid brother from Dusk Till Dawn!” Deadpool jokes, laughing and pointing at him with his unoccupied hand.
The suit-stealer shoots his white sticky stuff at Iron Man and Thor, securing them to the ground before picking up the claw thing and running out the door and across the street towards the building on fire.
“Not even a thank you kiss?” Deadpool calls out after him, pistol whipping Hulk in the back of the head and then ripping the Iron Man mask off the other guy.
Deadpool kicks the remaining glass out of the window and steps through, shoving the gun back into its holster without turning on the safety because fuck safety. He just defeated the Avengers! Kinda. Not really. But he’s going to tell Weasel he did.
“The fuck kind of thank you was that?” Deadpool asks as he skips up to the suit-stealer, who seems oddly upset that the building with no people inside is on fire. He keeps up a litany of ‘No’s’ and ‘Stark is gonna kill me’s.’
“You know, back in my day, a girl was at least acknowledged when she helped stop a robbery,” Deadpool says, wiggling his eyebrows. “Wait a minute. Stark? As in Tony? As in the same guy who wears this mask?” he holds up the mask he took from the robber.
The suit-stealer turns abruptly as he hears Deadpool talk, finally snapping out of his own world, “Who-who are you?”
“Dude, you copied my suit. You obviously know who I am and just want to hear me say it. I’ve been told I have a very soothing voice,” Deadpool rattles off. “And you seem stressed. You want a back massage? Neck massage? I’ll do full-body if you’ve got the good stuff.”
“What? No, no. I didn’t—the good stuff?” the suit-stealer(?) stutters, running a hand over his mask as if he was expecting to find hair there. Tough luck, buddy.
“Yeah, y’know. That smelly shit that makes your toes curl,” Deadpool shrugs, leaning against the wall as he gives the guy a once-over.
“Toes?” he shakes his head, “Listen, I have no idea who you are. Tony Stark made me this suit, so I’m sorry if you think I copied you, but you’ll just have to take it up with him.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Deadpool smiles brilliantly, the mask scrunching up to show the outlines of his teeth, “You’re saying that Iron Man copied my suit? I knew the dick cheese would come around eventually! I’m totally going to be an Avenger in no time!”
Something inside the building explodes, and… Tony Stark’s protégé? Jumps five feet to the side.
Deadpool wipes his arm off, some hot cheese having exploded on him… is that ham? “Damn, T.S., Jr. , you sure are jumpy.”
“I’m not jumpy… just, y’know, worried,” T.S. Jr. says, quickly straightening himself and absently dusting his shoulder.
“You know, your personality did a complete 180 from when you were thwarting the Fake Avengers. I was ready to rip my small intestine out to propose to you. What gives?”
“Not the large intestine?” the boy asks, crossing his arms.
“Nah, they wouldn’t fit around your baby fingers,” Deadpool says, wiggling his left ring finger.
“Hey! I’m not a baby!”
“’Course not, baby boy,” Deadpool placates, a grin creasing his mask. “So that white stuff, was it milk? Are you going for a baby theme?”
“No I’m not going for a baby theme!” he motions to his chest. “Does this symbol look like a baby to you?”
“Nah, but it could be udders. You could be Udder-Man, the one who squirts milk at his foes!” Deadpool laughs at his own joke.
“It’s not—it’s so not udders! You’re crazy! It’s a sp-I’m Spider-Man! Spider. Man,” Spider-Man says, waving his hands around like he’s at a rock concert.
“Huh. You may want to talk to the ol’ Stark about his spider stencil, because that looks suspiciously like udders to me.”
“It’s not udders.”
“It’s totally udders. The old man’s messing with you!” Deadpool bends in half laughing, resting his hands on his knees and smacking one every-so-often.
“Yeah? Well, what’re you supposed to be? You don’t even have a symbol!”
“Spidey, baby, I’m the OG. The OG doesn’t need a symbol to differentiate. I just am. It’s super new age and Zen.”
“Yeah, okay, Mr. OG. I’ve never seen or heard of you, so you’re obviously not a part of the Avengers,” Spider-Man quips, raising an eyebrow under his mask. However, his doesn’t crease, so there really is no actual change.
“Obviously not, or my devili—wait, that’s that Hell’s Kitchen’s guy’s thing. My, ahem, beautiful face would have graced one of those robbers’ faces. Probably the leader. Possibly all of them.”
“Wait. Are you talking about Dare De—“
“Shh!” Deadpool hisses, slapping a hand over where he thinks Spider-Man’s mouth may be under his mask, “He’s super shy.”
“Dude, your hand isn’t doing anything. I only stopped because I was shocked.”
“You’re totally turned on right now, aren’t you?” Deadpool whispers, his eyebrows wriggling again. Or the eyebrow area under the mask which doesn’t have any kind of hair since, y’know, Weapon X.
“No! Eww! Gross!” Spider-Man shoves Deadpool away, shaking his head as he can’t help but giggle. “Don’t you have something better to be doing than standing here, Mr. OG?”
“Name’s Deadpool, baby boy. Can’t believe Stark hasn’t told you about me… wait. Are we in the MCU right now?”
“The MC… what?”
“The MCU, Marvel Cinematic Universe. Started by Stark in ’08, going strong even though he doesn’t have his own movies anymore.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Y’know, I actually get that more than you might think. Now, are you gonna call your sugar daddy Stark to come help you with that fire still going on? Because, yeah, it’s still happening.”
“Oh shit!” Spider-Man yells, pivoting on his heel as he almost completely forgot that there’s a burning building less than ten feet away from him. How did he miss that?
“That’s what Stark said last time I said that, too. Are you going to turn into a clone of him? Because that takes away from the hotness grade I gave you…”
“Would you shut up for five seconds? I’m calling Tony,” Spider-Man pleads as he talks to the lady in his suit… that sounded better in his head.
“Yeah, sure, whatever.”
“This is Stark.”
“Tony, it’s, um…” he glances over at Deadpool, “It’s, ahem, Spider-Man, and there’s been a, uh, fire…”
“Pe-Spider-Man,” Tony catches himself, “You just told me about stopping a grand theft bicycle and helping an old lady for a churro, and now you’re telling me about a fire? Call the fire department, kid!”
“Did I hear that an old lady paid for your help in churros?” Deadpool butts in, clearly excited by the tone of his voice, “If I knew I’d get free churros for joining the Boy Scouts, I totally would’ve done it years ago!”
“Is that—Spider-Man, are you with Deadpool?” Tony’s voice comes through, obviously surprised, and not the fun, birthday kind of surprised. No, it’s the bad kind. The super annoying, slam your door and never face reality again surprised.
“Yes?”
“Hey there, Tin Man! It’s your unfriendly neighborhood Deadpool at your service!” Deadpool salutes, hapless of the fact that Tony cannot actually see him.
“Call the fire department and get away from that man, Spider-Man. He’s crazy, and he’s the definition of everything I wouldn’t do. Remember the gray area? He’s not the gray area!”
“Sure, fine, yeah. I’ll call them. Bye, Stark,” Spider-Man hangs up as Stark begins to rant about the horrors of knowing the ‘Merc with the Mouth,’ whoever that is.
“Aww, you getting into arguments with daddy Stark about your mercenary boyfriend again?”
“I’m sorry, about three quarters of that sentence needs to be completely wiped out of my memory now. And I have to call the fire department,” Spider-Man says, going to call 911.
“Oops, wrong universe again. This isn’t a super family fic… but Stark sounds like he’d adopt you anyway.”
“Does anything you say ever make sense?” Spider-Man asks, to which he gets an angry response from the dispatcher who picked up moments before he asked the question.
“No, no ma’am, that wasn’t aimed towards you. I wanted to report a fire,” he recites the name of the street and the building and hangs up before she could ask for his information.
“Well, now that the do-gooding is done, want to grab some chimichangas with me? It’s really the right thing to do after I helped you back there,” Deadpool says, poking Spider-Man in the shoulder repeatedly.
“Stop-stop it!” Spider-Man waves the other man away, chuckling at him, “Fine, yeah. I have no idea what a chimichanga is, though.”
“That’s okay, they’re gross anyway. I just like to say ‘chimichanga.’ It has a nice ring to it, you know?” Deadpool snickers, “Anyway, the best food on Earth is tacos, brought to you by the best people on Earth, the Mexicans. They have their shit together, bebé.”
“No argument here. I love tacos,” Spider-Man says, shrugging as he picks up the claw thing and sets it over his shoulders.
“I think I just fell in love with you all over again,” Deadpool sighs.
“What was that?” Spider-Man asks as he’s walking away.
“The best Mexican place is this way,” Deadpool says, grabbing Spider-Man’s hand and leading him in the opposite direction of the fire as the sirens are heard off in the distance.
Deadpool begins to skip, forcing Spider-Man to quicken his pace or get his arm ripped out of his socket. You decide which one sounds more fun.
The two skip down the street, day saved and the Fake Avengers’ nefarious plans thwarted.
“So, don’t you think it’s weird that the ATM machines were inside?” Spider-Man asks.