The first time it happens he thinks it’s an hallucination (which, to be fair, it’s an actual possibility since he has been feverish for the past week).
It feels like an itch in the corner of his eyes, but when he turns there’s nothing there. He’s coughing more now, and the fever hasn’t passed, if it continues like this he will probably have to go to the hospital even if he doesn’t really have the money.
It sucks.
Steve doesn’t let himself despair a lot (he doesn’t have the time between being sick and trying to make ends meet) but right now it doesn’t seem like there’s really a way past this. He feels weak, and he doesn’t remember the last time he ate something decent.
”This sucks” he murmurs, in hope of making himself feel better, really, and he doesn’t expect anyone to actually answer.
“Understatement of the fucking century” someone says, and Steve opens his eyes alarmed and looks at his side.
A man is sitting in a chair near his bed, his face is in his hands and he doesn’t know this man.
“What are you doing in my house?” he asks, trying to conceal how scared he really is. He could try calling the cops but his phone is in the kitchen, and he isn’t strong enough to fight a robber, not like this – even if this doesn’t mean he won’t try.
“What do you—“ the man says before raising his head and looking around “what the fuck? Where is this?” he looks at Steve then, his eyes panicked “I can’t possibly have drunk this much”
Oh God, is this a drug addict? “Look, I don’t… I don’t know what you want but I don’t have anything here and…”
The man looks at him then, appalled, like Steve has just offended him – the man that’s sitting in his house “What? I don’t even know where I am!” he screams, and Steve has to stop himself from flinching, his headache so bad that he can almost taste the bile in the back of his throat.
He closes his eye for a second, enough to brace himself, but when he opens them again he’s alone in his room. The chair is still there, but there’s no one sitting there.
He flops back on the bed, putting a hand to cover his eyes, and he just breaths for a second. It’s time to make a strategic decisions if he’s having hallucinations.
“Hospital” he promises himself before falling asleep.
--
The first time it happens to Tony he’s sitting in his office, and he’s feeling pretty miserable all things considered.
The board isn’t happy with his decisions, and Obie is just breathing down his neck (and really, Tony already had a disappointed father in his life, he doesn’t need another) and terrorists have been getting stark weapons from sources he just can’t seem to find and he’s really pretty miserable.
He has drunk two glasses of scotch already and he’s well on his way with the third when suddenly it’s like something shifts and the next thing he knows someone is saying “This sucks” which exactly.
“Understatement of the fucking century” he answers without thinking, without realizing that he’s in his office and no one beside Pepper is authorized to enter.
What follows are the three strangest minutes of his entire life.
Tony has drunk a lot more than this, and although this doesn’t exactly speak well about his character he knows that he isn’t drunk enough to have hallucinations (they usually come after the tenth glass and take the form of a very disappointed Howard Stark – or, as Tony likes to call him, everyday Howard Stark) and yet here he is, in a strange little house with a man that looks ready to fall dead on the spot.
Well, shit.
When it ends he’s still in his office, but every part of him feels on edge. He coughs two times and grimaces at the taste of blood.
He doesn’t drink anymore for a month.
--
The second time it happens it’s much shorter than the first, and it’s not even the same person (he’s not sure if it makes it better or worse).
One moment he’s in his kitchen looking at his bills and dreading the overtime he’ll have to do, the next Steve is in a large room with a wooden floor and there’s someone dancing in front of him. He’s not an expert in ballet and he doesn’t know what the woman is doing, but he’s speechless all the same, unable to avert his eyes.
She’s beautiful, with her red hair and small body, and he can tell that every movement is deliberate. She’s in complete control of her body and it’s… fascinating.
She looks at him then, and immediately Steve is back in his kitchen, like nothing has happened. He’s scared, completely paralyzed.
What is happening to him? The hospital had said that it was probably a consequence of the high fever, but Steve’s fine now and yet…
They had took some test, but had told him that they would have the results after some time. He hopes it’s sooner rather than later.
--
After the strange apparition of the bedridden man Tony has been more jumpy than usual, he knows, enough that even Pepper has lost her patience, but he can’t help it.
He doesn’t know why but there’s something wrong, even if he’s not sure what it is.
“Are you even listening to me?” Pepper repeats with a scoff. Tony really wasn’t, but he usually masks it better, he’s getting sloppy.
“Pep, Peppity, I… okay, no, to be fair it was probably something like Tony you have to sign all this boring stuff and go to this other boring stuff and really, Tony, another explosion?” her face means that he is probably spot on and that he is getting on her last nerves. He’ll have to get her another pair of shoes.
“This gala is important, Tony, it’s the first after the announcement that we’re closing the weapon manufacturing, it’s…” she stops herself from saying anything more.
Tony knows, really, that she’s right. The board had to concede in the end, since Tony was the owner of the company, but no one is happy with his decision and he needs to do some much needed sucking up.
He doesn’t have to like it, though.
“I still think I should just runaway and join a traveling circus” he murmurs all the same, and if he sounds a little bit juvenile so be it.
Then he looks around and he is in a circus, and he’s not even sure if it’s one of the good ones. There are people laughing, eating cotton candy, but what catches his attention is a man on the trapeze, waltzing in the air like it’s his second nature.
Then he’s back, in the span of a breath and Pepper looks at him strangely, he probably missed something else she has said, but there’s something much more frightening happening.
He thinks he’s losing his head, but he’s too scared to admit it.
--
The problem is that Steve feels guilty and he can't help feel bad when Bucky comes and he looks tired, but so proud of himself. He's got a new job, Steve can tell, the second one, and he knows that it's not because Bucky can't make ends meet with his first one, it's because Steve can't make ends meet with the half job he can keep.
Bucky has always been too good for him, and he probably feels responsible because he had promised his mother he would help Steve. God, Steve really is the worst.
"Why are you making that face, Stevie?" Bucky asks, sitting down "didn't I tell you? I managed to solve all of our problems"
Steve smiles at him, because what else can he do? If Steve could have a normal job Bucky wouldn't even need to find a second job, and they have already downgraded their home, a three room apartment that is entirely too small for what they need.
Hell, Bucky could probably find a decent apartment with a single room for himself, but Steve wouldn't.
"You're already tired with this job, Buck" he tries, but he knows that it's useless. Steve comes from another week in bed, heaving and sneezing past the bronchitis and the antibiotics cost too much.
He works at a bakery near home, but he uses the term loosely. The owner of the shop was a friend of his mother and he had agreed to take him on with a lesser pay since Steve had to stay at home a lot. He also tries to bring some money by doing some webcomics and commissions, but when he's too ill to get up of bed he has to stop that work too.
Also they can't really afford a good tablet, so his digital art isn't even that great.
"Me? Tired?" Bucky asks, laughing, like it's no big deal, but Steve is home when his best friend comes back home and doesn't even have the strength to eat.
Sometimes he really wishes he could hide, be anywhere else, so that Buck could be free, find someone to take care of beside his best friend. Be happy.
"My friend, are you alright?" some asks and Steve looks up, surprised. He is in a garden? But it's snowing heavily and everything around them is white. He doesn't feel cold, it's incredible.
"I... no? I don't think so, where are we?" he asks, and finally looks at the man that's speaking to him. He's built like a giant and he has long blonde hairs, he looks like a model, really.
"Norway," the man replies, but he looks suspicious and curious "this is my family's home. You... really shouldn't be here"
Steve looks around again, and he doesn't know what's happening to him. The hospital had never replied to him, and it looks like his hallucinations are only getting worse. But.
This is nice, and he doesn't really care about anything else.
"I just wanted to be somewhere else" he says and the other man looks contrite.
"Problems at home?" he asks and then they are back in Steve's house, Bucky talking and making tea (the one that is good for Steve lungs, he knows). "I just would like to stop being a burden to my friend" he says to his guest, when he realizes that the big man is here with him.
Bucky doesn't seem to hear him, thankfully, and the other man just nods.
"I understand, I would love to leave as well" he says and Steve looks back at him, worried.
"Problems as well?" he asks, and the man nods with a sad smile.
"We all have our demons to fight" he simply says, and then Steve is alone again. He misses the comforting presence.
--
Tony does what he does best while he tries not to panic, so he just immerses himself into his work. There are a lot of things to be done if he wants to make and keep the board happy, and Obie is breathing down his neck.
No one is happy at him, and he gets it, but it's his company and he will make it all better. He will.
So he's trying to just lose himself in the work when he feels someone moving in his lab. There shouldn't be anyone here, since Pepper is on a business trip and he has put Dummy on his recharger ten minutes ago.
He looks behind him, frightened, when he sees a man looking at one of his formulas, one that is giving him hell.
Tony doesn't know this man, he really really doesn't. He should be panicking a lot more than he is, probably find his cellphone so that he can call the police. He does nothing of the sort.
"Can I help you?" he asks, because this is a new man, not the one of his drunk vision nor the one in the circus and he wonders how many of them he's going to dream up before he has to concede he's off his rocks.
The other man looks at him and smiles, a little shy "I'm sorry it's just... this is fantastic work" he says and Tony is surprised for a second.
"It doesn't work" it's the only thing he can reply and the other man just nods.
"I know, you did an error right here" he points at one part of the formula and Tony hurries over, trying to see. He's right, he can see it now, he doesn't know why he hadn't been able to before, but...
"How..." he whispers, and the man is still doing his best impression of a shy, scared chipmunk, but Tony would like to kiss him. This hallucination has just saved his research with such ease.
"Who are you?" he asks, because maybe at this point he wants to know, has to know.
"I'm Bruce Banner" the other replies and in a second they aren't in Tony's lab, but somewhere else. It looks like a modest home, made of wood and with little to no comforts.
He looks around, fascinated, because this shouldn't be possible.
"How...?" he begins, and Bruce looks at him, interest in his eyes.
"I don't know, I've been trying to figure it out since my first meeting with Natasha" Bruce starts talking excitedly and Tony doesn't point out that he doesn't know who Natasha is - he has met only men until now.
"You think this is real" he says, in the end, and it feels like a strange concept, after all the time he has spent thinking he was crazy.
Bruce looks at him and shrugs "Isn't that what science is? The belief that someone is crazy until we can prove otherwise?"
Tony looks at this strange new friend and smiles. He doesn't know about the others, but he knows he likes Bruce.
--
Clint likes working in a circus, maybe it's not the job that one imagines when one thinks about himself five years in the future, but hell he has fun and it makes him feel free. He doesn't know what else he could do with his skillset anyway.
He could be a thief, but he likes being legitimate and he remembers when they were little and they had to steal to survive and he doesn't like remembering.
At the same time Barney has been kind of distant lately, and he knows that something shady is going on - he has heard the boss and his brother talk, hushed whispers when they thought Clint was out of earshot. He doesn't want to steal, but he's not going to be a dick and betray his own brother, not if he can help it.
So he pretends he can't listen and he pretends he's ignorant to all that happens around them, about the fact that in every city they stop there's a crime being reported when they leave.
Clint isn't stupid, doesn't matter what Barney says.
He thinks he might need help, but he has no idea who to ask.
"You really aren't scared up there?" someone asks and Clint looks down, surprised when he sees someone that looks like a kid looking up at him with wonders.
Great, a lost kid just what he needed.
He climbs down and when he finally is closer to the kid he realizes that it's not a kid at all, and he recognizes the feeling, the strange sensation of knowing and not knowing the person in front of him.
"Oh" he simply says, because it's not the first of these ghosts he has seen, but it's the first one he has actually talked to for more than two seconds.
The kid - he's not a kid, maybe, but he looks like he could fall over if Clint only breathed wrong in his direction so, yeah - simply smiles, like he has done this already and he feels a little creeped out.
"I always wanted to go to the circus" the kid says, looking around and making the best impression of a five years old Clint has ever seen in his life.
"Why didn't you?" is the only thing he can ask and in the blink of an eye he isn't in the circus anymore, but in a small room and the kid is on a bed, smiling sadly.
"Allergies," he replies, a little sad "and we didn't have much money, it seemed stupid to spend it on something like that"
Clint nods, even if he can't really say anything since it's his line of work.
He looks outside of the window, but there's another building blocking the view and he can't really get a sense of where they are.
"Where are we?" he asks then, because whatever if this ghost wants to take him somewhere else he has all the rights to know where.
The other smiles, happy "New York, Brooklyn to be exact" and then the scene changes again and they are back in the circus. "And now?" the kid continues "where are we?"
Clint looks around, surprised and a little confused and he just shrugs "Spain" he says, because he thinks it's the right answer. When you travel Europe with a travelling circus it's difficult remembering all the places you see and sometimes they blend in together.
"Europe" the kid says, with a dreamy look "I've never been outside New York"
Clint winces, because he gets the feeling that this kid hasn't had exactly the easiest life and he can relate. "I'm... I think we are in Moscow next month, if you want to come by again. I might even take a tour of the city".
The other looks at him startled for a moment before he flashes one of the most grateful smile he has ever seen. It's blinding in a way.
"Thanks" the kid says, "I'm Steve".
Oh, right, much better than calling him ghost or kid. "Clint" he says and he still has his problems, he still has to find a way of living with all that he knows, but it makes him feel a little better knowing he's not alone in this.
--
Natasha knows that had she been born anywhere else her life would have been a lot different, maybe better, maybe not, but certainly different. It seems unfair that, in the end, she has been dealt this hand, but she has learned early that it was useless getting angry at nothing.
The only thing she can do sometimes, the only thing she thinks will ever make her feel like a normal person is dancing, dancing like no one is watching, dance like it's the breath in her lungs and the beating of her heart.
Sometimes she feels like she's nothing more than her feet on the floor and the blood in her ears.
She's panting, finishing a difficult move when she realizes she's not alone.
She looks back and there's a person looking at her, his face seems confused but not scared. She's getting used to this, to the visits that sometimes pop up in her life.
It has been going on a lot recently and she doesn't really know why, can't remember if there was something that had started it all.
She knows the doctor by know, kind and shy, scarred by something she hasn't still figured out. She has met Thor once or twice, but they had never actually talked much, just glanced at each other from afar.
This one is new.
"Where are we?" he asks and she just shrugs.
"Ballet class" she says, because it would require way too much time explaining to him what she does, why she needs this.
She doesn't really trust them, but they are visions from her mind, it's difficult to believe that they are being sent by her enemies when it's something that comes from inside her.
That doesn't mean that she isn't her worst enemy sometimes, but it usually comes in form of stupid decisions and useless sentimentalisms, not actual real people.
"I've never been to ballet class" the other says, looking around "my mother took me ballroom dancing, sometimes, but that's it" he talks a lot, she notices, more than the others.
It's a good chatter, however, and soon she starts up again, her routine coming flawlessly to her, like a well oiled machine.
He is silent then, and she knows he's watching. It makes her feel more relaxed for reasons she can't understand, after all she doesn't know him, but he's not here to hurt her. She hopes.
She loses herself in the music, the melody bringing her closer to the point where she can forget for a while who she is, what she has to do. She opens her eyes and she's dancing on a rooftop, an entire city at her feet, and she looks at the man and he's smiling with excitement. They are at his place then, and she looks around only for a second before Natasha finds herself somewhere else.
A small room with a sick man on a bed that looks at her with almost love and wonder in his eyes, like he would like nothing more than to join her.
A circus and she's floating, dancing on hair like an acrobat, she doesn't know how she hasn't fallen yet, but it feels like she was born for this.
A garden with white, cold snow, with Thor looking at her and smiling, with such care. She doesn't know what his problem his, she has picked up some things but not much, she knows of his brother and his father, their conflicting relationship and she wonders if there's something she can do.
A forest away from civilization and Bruce smiles delighted, and she smiles at him too, because he's the one she has come to know the most.
It feels strange to be the only woman in this strange thing they have, but it also feels right, like these are her men, and she has to protect them in some way, because she has the feeling she's the only one that really knows how bad life can get.
Natasha stops and she's back in her ballet room and they are all around her, clapping and smiling at each other, happy to be finally all together.
When they fade away and she's alone once again she still feels the warmth of their presence. It's comforting.
--
Thor doesn't know what to do, exactly, and the situation between his brother and his father has been deteriorating quickly in front of his eyes since his mother’s death, like she had always been the glue in their life, keeping them together.
It feels like an accurate description and he would like nothing more than to know how to take her place, how to make it all better, but he's powerless in front of their fury, of their pain (because he knows that a lot of it is pain, pain for her loss, pain for a life taken away too quickly).
He can't breathe sometimes because he hates feeling powerless and these days it's all he is.
"Are you alright?" someone asks and Thor looks back and sees the kind doctor, that seems a little shy in his approach. He thinks back at his talk with Steve, how his presence had made it all better, and he realizes now that he had hoped for one of them to appear now, for some help he so desperately needed and wanted.
"I feel adrift, my friend" he says, honestly "incapable of helping the people dearest to me"
The doctor nods and steps up, with a sad smile.
"I know what you mean. It's terrible when everything you do only seems to make everything worse" the other says and Thor nods with force, because it is exactly how it feels.
Every move he makes, everything he tries, it always seems to make everything worse and he doesn't know what else he can do. Doesn't know what else he can say.
"What can you tell me, wise friend?" he asks then, because he had been reckless in his youth, much like a bull in a fight, incapable of seeing anything beside himself, but he has matured now.
"Give it time, sometimes there's nothing else to do" Bruce says, but it feels lacking in some way.
"Is this what you're doing?" he has to inquire, because it feels like something that the doctor keeps dear to his heart, something he says to himself quite often.
The other smiles and nods, a little ashamed, but Thor doesn't know why.
"Or maybe you could try listening" someone else says and both he and Bruce look back at little Steve, that looks a lot better than last time Thor had seen him.
"I've been trying" he says, anyway, because he has and then he has tried to make them see reason, to make them understand.
Steve shakes his head and smiles "No one ever listens to me, or they do, but they don't really understand. When I tell them I can do something they look at me and what I say doesn't really matter. It's frustrating" he confides in them, his chest puffin with pride "so try and listen to what they are really saying. What's the real problem?"
Thor wonders for a second while Loki screams at the top of his lungs that Odin had never loved him, and his father replies that this is not the way to repay his generosity.
"I think they are scared that this is going to fall apart" he says, because it's his fear, because his family feels fragile now, shaky where before it had seemed as firm as rock.
Steve smiles, Bruce nods, and then Thor is alone again.
--
Steve feels good for once in his life, it's one of the good days, where he can go on the street and even run for a while without feeling his lungs constrict for the exercise. It's one of those days where he feels like a normal person, where his illness doesn't define him.
It's the days he needs more, the ones that make his life worth living.
It's also the second time he sees Tony.
He's the drunk men from the first night and they hadn't exactly met since then, but he knows of him because of Natasha and Bruce.
He smiles, glad to have someone to talk for a while. His shift starts in half an hour and he would have been alone, waiting. He's alone most of his life, he doesn't like it and always tries to find company when he can.
"Hello" he says and Tony looks at him and just sighs.
"Why do you appear always when I'm at my worst?" Tony asks, and Steve notices the glass in his hand, the tired slope of his shoulder, the defeated curve of his mouth.
"What has happened?" he's worried now, his heart beating like in one of his attacks. He wants to help him, he wants to be there for him, but he doesn't know how.
"Let's just say that I'm a failure" Tony mumbles, and he feels resigned. Tired.
Steve is glad that today is one of the good days because he feels like he needs his full strength for this.
"I can't believe that Tony Stark could be a failure" he says then and the other looks at him, surprised.
"How do you know...?" he starts but Steve laughs and interrupts him.
"I'm a New Yorker, your tower literally overshadows the city. I can’t even grow a damn potted plant" he says indicating in the direction of the Stark Tower. Steve doesn't like it much, if he's honest, it obscures the sun and it makes him feel even smaller than he really is.
"Oh right... you're the only one that actually lives in the state" Tony says, with a smile "to think that two years ago we would have been living in the same city".
It wouldn't have really made a difference, it's not like Steve could go and hang out with Tony Stark, even if he wanted to.
He blinks and he's in Tony's workshop, or at least what he thinks is Tony's workshop, could be the garage, really. And he's a little surprised to see that the bottle Tony has on his desk is still mostly full.
He has arrived on time, then, he's glad.
"Why don't you talk to me?" he encourages, and he doesn't know if he actually manages to convince the other for a minute until Tony starts talking.
He talks about his company, about the project that had been just rejected from the board, about how much money they were losing now, without the weapons department, and all because they hadn't made him do anything new.
Steve nods even if he doesn't understand anything, but he thinks that maybe Tony only needs a sympathetic ear.
"Why don't you do it anyway?" he asks at one point, because there is a reason why Bucky calls him a little shit.
"The board didn't give me the okay" Tony repeats, like Steve is maybe a little stupid or deaf (and he is a little, deaf, in his left ear).
"Yeah..." Steve wonders for a second how much to push but oh well, he has gotten this far "but fuck them"
Tony looks at him, surprised and then he laughs and laughs, it feels like he will never stop.
"Oh God, I like you" he says and Steve smiles, proud.
--
Bruce knows in the end that it's not really his fault, it's something he has started accepting a long time ago, but it still feels a little raw when he feels about it.
When he remembers Betty it's like an old wound that has never healed correctly, when he thinks about going back home it's a sharp pain in his side and he really can't do it.
One day Bruce will have to face his fears, to find a way to forgive himself completely, especially because Betty is fine now, two years later her injuries are completely gone, almost without a scar and she writes to him sometimes, little notes to remind him that she's not angry, that it's the risk they take in their line of work, that she won't stop for something like this.
She had always been stronger than him, it's something he has accepted a long long time ago.
Bruce lives a quiet life now and it suits him, if he's being honest with himself. He has always been an angry man, lost in his thirst of knowledge and in the memories of his father and his fist.
His life had been hectic, with too much work, too much stress and so little joy. Betty had been the exception and when his work had hurt her, their research going awry and exploding in their faces, he had felt betrayed, guilty.
He had fled.
It's not something he's proud of, he thinks, but it's what he has done and it's not like he can recount it differently in his head. It would make no sense to lie to himself.
So he helps the poor people in this tiny village and he's... if not happy at least not unhappy and for a long time he had thought he couldn't aspire to nothing more.
He's changing his mind lately and he knows who is to blame.
"You will have to stop hiding sometimes" someone says from behind him and he's not surprised when it's Natasha. She's dressed heavily, and he wonders how cold it's in Russia. One second later he's there, but he can't feel the cold, he can only look around and marvel at the snow.
"This morning I thought I saw some snow, I knew you would appear today" he says, even if it doesn't always work like that. Sometimes a snow it's just a little glimpse into each other, but they don't see that day, maybe not even for a minute.
Bruce has been trying to study these strange apparitions, what bring them all together and until now the only thing he can postulate is that they see each other when they need someone, when being alone becomes unbearable.
It's like having a support group always focused on your needs. It's strange and magical all at once.
He doesn't have the best tools to study it here, and even if he works with Tony, sometimes, to understand it he feels like he could do more if he had his lab.
It's still not reason enough to go back home.
Natasha is smiling at him, looking around "It always seems to be snowing when we meet. I like snow" she says.
She's the most mysterious out of his imaginary friends, as he likes to call them, he only knows that she dances and nothing more, even if she had managed to make him spill his entire life.
He thinks, most of the time, that she's the one that needs their help most, but doesn't let them in, doesn't allow herself to be vulnerable.
He doesn't know what terrible thing has happened to her to make her like this, and he's not sure he wants to know.
"Do you want to walk with me?" he asks, because it's sunny in his village and she feels like she could use a time off.
Natasha only smiles and extends her arm.
--
Clint knows now that whatever his brother is planning can be nothing good. He has heard them talk about a big hit and he's worried and angry at the same time.
He thought that he and Barney had left this shit to the past, they are supposed to be legit now and he doesn't want to get in trouble again, at the same time he owes Barney, that had taken care of him all his life.
Clint had heard them talking about bringing him in, that he could be useful and he doesn't want to, but at the same time he feels like he doesn't have a choice.
"That's stupid," someone says from behind him and it's Tony. Clint doesn't really know what to talk about with him, they come from worlds so different that it feels like the distance between them is too big to fill with words.
"You don't have to do anything" Tony continues, like he knows that Clint is thinking, maybe he does, this head thing works in strange ways "I didn't have to do anything, I changed everything because I wanted to"
"You're like a billionaire! It's not the same thing!" he almost screams, because God Tony had never known the feeling of hunger and despair, how it felt to be alone on the street with no way to survive without stealing, feeling terrible and giulty but so glad to have some food.
"It's not" Tony agrees, "but it's not like I've had it easy. I was kidnapped, held hostage by the weapons I helped create" Clint looks at him surprised.
Maybe it isn't big news in the real world, but living in a travelling circus it's not like they get CNN or any news channel, they pick up news by what the people talk about in the towns they visit and that's it.
He doesn't know how to react to this, what to say, but Tony shakes his head.
"I didn't tell you because I want pity, I told you because I want you to wake up and realize that you have a choice. Don't fuck up your life" Tony finishes and it's a good speech, but when Barney enters and asks him if he can help them, tells him there's no one else he can ask...
Clint had always been very good at making the wrong choices.
Tony seems to be scowling behind him, but Clint can't think about him too.
--
He feels like his life is slipping out of his control faster than he can say. His prototype is a success and he had never actually thought he could do it, Steve's recommendation had been the right thing to do and he thinks that he should say fuck them more frequently.
When he had said so to Pepper she had looked at him with such annoyance that he had hugged her.
("You are my second favorite person in the whole world" he had told her. She had sighed, but he could tell she had been pleased.
"Let me guess, you're the first?" she has asked and Tony had laughed. It's still possible that fierce little Steve was a product of his imagination so he had said yes and let it go).
At the same time the relationship between him and Obie is souring fast and he doesn't know why. He had understood it before, when his decision had put the company in jeopardy, but he's doing it now, with his cellphone prototype they can make millions. The company will be better than ever, so he doesn't know what had Obie's panties in a twist, but he hates it.
He hates that there's nothing he can do, that he doesn't understand enough.
"You know you could start thinking that maybe he's not as good as you think he is" someone says behind him and when Tony looks back there's Thor there, looking sad and a lot like a kicked puppy.
Tony isn't really in the mood.
"What do you mean?" he asks with a little too much venom in his words and Thor raises his hands, evidently sorry.
"I'm starting to think that my brother isn't such a good person" Thor confessed and Tony is taken aback, for a second. He knows that there's something going on in Thor's family, but he's not as prepared as the others. He doesn't know why Thor appeared to him of all people if their problems is of the emotional type.
Formulas? Tony is your man. Money? Heck yea! Feelings? Abort Houston.
"What has he done?" he asks then and Thor shrugs again.
"He's allying himself with Jotun, my father business rivals and he's... he's telling them secrets that should never leave the sanctity of a home" his voice is hurt, tired, like he doesn't know how to keep going. Tony feels the same way.
So he says what he has never before even let himself really think.
"I fear Obie was the one selling the weapons to the terrorists" because all the proofs point there, but he just doesn't want to accept it, doesn't want to really believe that's what it could be.
Thor looks at him, and the pity and understanding he sees in the other's eyes it's enough that he almost falls to his knees.
Thor has been betrayed by his brother and Tony from the man that has been his surrogate father when Howard had been nothing more than a dick.
He doesn't know what they have done to deserve this, why it feels that lately it's all crashing down far too quickly, but the knowledge that he's not alone, that there are people that seems to be firmly in his corner, that can appear when he needs them... it feels good, it makes it easier.
--
Steve looks at his bank account and knows that it's just impossible for him to pay the medical bill this time, it's a knowledge that chills him to the bone and he doesn't know what to do.
"I could give you some money" someone says from behind him, and Steve doesn't even have to turn back to know who it is. He knows that Tony means well and that this is probably nothing for him, but he can't.
It would be admitting defeat, it would mean giving up on years and years of sacrifices.
"I already told you, Tony" he says, because it's not the first time they have talked about this.
It has been months since the first time Tony has appeared to him and even if the others appear in his life frequently sometimes it feels like him and Tony talk to each other everyday. He doesn't know why, doesn't know why they are the ones that seem more drawn to each other, or maybe he does know, but he's not ready to admit it.
Steve already has enough problems of his own without thinking about kissing the apparition in his head.
"I don't know why you are so stubborn," Tony huffs, annoyed "it wouldn't be anything for me and everything for you".
He's right, of course, it would help him so much, but he's prideful because for long his pride and his stubbornness had been the only thing that kept him going for so long he doesn’t know how to exist without it anymore.
"Look. thank you, really Tony, but no" he says again, but he can already feel the fight that's coming, he knows that Tony won't back down, won't just let it go like he should. Steve hates that they will fight, that there is nothing he can do to stop that.
"You're too stubborn, like a fucking mule! You helped me! You told me to do something when I was petrified and now I just want to... to make it easier for you" Tony says and his voice is a whisper at the end.
It's like this thing between them, fragile and barely there, and Steve knows he will trample over it with all the cruelness he has in his heart because it's what he does. He pushes people away when they realize how damaged he is and all they seem to care about is make him better.
He hates them. He doesn't need to be better!
"Fuck you, Tony. What do you think that you can just throw money at me and everything will be fine?" he screams, and he knows he's being unfair, that Tony is only doing what a good friend would do, but he doesn't care. And isn't that just the worst thing? How much he's hurting Tony and how much he doesn't care?
The other man looks stricken and then angry, angrier than Steve has ever seen him.
"No! Fuck you, Rogers. What you think you're so special with your fragile heart? There are tons of sick people! You're not a special snowflake! Get down from you high horse!" Tony screams and Steve closes his eyes, hopes as hard as he can to be alone and when he finds the strength to open them again he is alone.
Completely.
He inspires for a second and then he looks around. He has to find some money, fast and he doesn't know how.
He remembers that the hospital had told him, the first time he had gone there with tales of Tony's appearances, that there were some experimental studies going on that would pay him to just sit and get his blood taken.
Steve doesn't have anywhere else to go, so he calls.
--
Natasha knew, really, that her luck lately would have run out sooner or later. And when a bullet flies past her head she knows this is the moment when it happens.
She's going to die, the boss has discovered her double crossing and no one has ever survived being discovered. It was always a risk, she had known since the beginning. She still doesn't regret doing it, she had gotten useful info, and she had given them to the police, soon the reign of the Shostakov family will end and it will be thanks to her.
She won't be here to enjoy it, but it feels like a small price to pay.
"Are we getting shot?" Clint asks, appearing beside her, and she doesn't know why she's surprised. Of course the circus delinquent is the one that appears while she's getting shot.
"Yes" she answers, curt, and he looks at her and then around them.
"I can get you up there" he says, and when she looks back she sees that there is a way up the wall. It's not an easy path, but Clint is a thief and he's a circus performer and he can do it, she knows with certainty.
She will get shot before she can reach the wall, however.
"We can make a makeshift bomb" Tony says, appearing out of nowhere "we have the necessary ingredients"
"Yeah, we just have to use the gun powder of your bullets" Bruce joins in and she doesn't waste time asking what they are doing here and gets to work.
"You guys might want to hurry up, one of them is advancing" Steve says, and she realizes that him and Thor are keeping lookout, so that no one can surprise her.
It seems her luck hasn't run out after all.
"We're done" Tony and Bruce say at the same time and Natasha nods and throws the bomb, running toward the wall at the same time.
She doesn't have a lot of time and she certainly can't waste it waiting to see what happens.
A bullet scratches her leg, but Clint takes control of her body and he pushes past the pain like it's something he has done a lot of times. It probably is.
When she's safe, far far away from the danger, the first to speak is Clint.
"So you're part of the mafia?" he asks and Natasha only nods.
"Wow that's kind of..." Bruce begins, but doesn't know who to continue.
"Fucked up" Steve supplies at the same time that Clint and Tony say "totally awesome!".
She doesn't know what she has done to deserve them. But she's glad for whatever it was and sign her the fuck up to do it all over again.
--
Thor confronts Loki the only way he knows, honestly and directly. It might not be the best choice, because his brother has always been cunning and devious, but it's not like he can do anything else.
"Why do you hate our father so?" he asks and Loki looks at him with such venom in his eyes.
"Of course you're taking his side!" Loki accuses him, and Thor is quick to disagree.
"No, I... I’m on no one’s side! Why must there be a side?" he says but Loki doesn't seem to believe him. He doesn't know what to say, how to make him understand.
And then he feels an hand on his arm and he sees Steve, little brave Steve that's smiling and him and pushing him to continue, to give his best.
So Thor looks at him and does so.
"I love you both. I just want to be a family again, why isn't it possible?" he asks, desperation evident in his voice and Loki looks taken aback for a second.
"Because it had always been a lie!" he says then, with such sadness that Thor hesitates "mother told me! That I was not their real son, that they adopted me. A family based on lies is what we have! Is it really a family worth having?"
Thor had suspected, if he has to be honest, but he had never really cared. It doesn't feel like a big deal to him, but he knows it would be the wrong thing to say so he nods, looks at his brother (because whatever Loki believes there is nothing that can make Thor love him less) and hugs him.
"Yes" he replies, enthusiastically "yes. Because I love you brother and I know you're hurting and maybe there isn't anything I can do to help you, but I can be here when you're ready"
Steve looks at him proudly and Thor thinks that maybe all will end well when Loki pushes him back, with force. He's almost in tears but he seems to be angry, betrayed.
"I hate you" Loki says, and Thor falters "you and your lies. You're just worried because I've told Jotun all your little secrets, aren't you?" Loki screams and it's so wrong, his vision so wrapped up in his pain that Thor doesn't even know where to begin to unravel it.
"No, I... God no" but it's too late and Loki is running away, fast and without looking back.
Silence befalls them when he leaves and when Steve talks again he's not sure he's ready to listen. "Sometimes you have to do the best you can and then wait"
It feels like torture the thought of waiting for Loki to come back on his own and he has to force himself not to follow him there and there. He almost fails.
"It's hard, my friend" he says instead and Steve nods, smiles sadly.
"Most of the right things in life are hard, Thor. It's unfair but it's the truth, it's what my Ma always said" the little man replies and Thor nods, overcome by the bravery of this man.
He will wait for how long it takes and hope it's enough.
--
He knows it's the wrong thing to do, he does, but he will still do it and he will suffer the consequences if it goes down to hell. This is what he had told himself when he had agreed to help Barney steal from the home of this wealthy family, because he loves his brother after all and he had thought that Barney loved him too.
Since he's keeping him at gunpoint he might have to rethink the last bit.
"What the hell Barney?" he asks because there is a part of him that hopes that this is some kind of practical joke ahah very funny. But it seems like his brother is dead serious.
Clint doesn't get it.
"I... why?" he asks then, and Barney laughs, such an ugly laugh.
"Always Clint this and Clint that, all my life making sure that you were taken care of, that you were fine. God how much I hated you" his brother hisses, his voice like punches to the gut.
He wonders how much Clint has missed of his brother since they were children, how much he had wanted to see that just wasn't there. Maybe this is his fault and he hadn't even realized.
Barney's finger curls menacingly around the trigger and Clint really doesn't want to die.
"Then move, dumbass" Natasha says, taking control of his body and then he's moving. He knows that she's a badass, but he hadn't really figured out how much until this moment. She moves like a bee, ready to sting and destroy, she's a fierce warrior and even if Barney isn't half bad he doesn't have a chance.
She incapacitates him easily enough and Barney is almost screaming "What the fuck? Since when have you been able to fight like this?"
Clint wonders how would he react if he told him that the Russian mob that runs around in his head was the one that just destroyed him.
He laughs at the sole idea.
"Fear is a powerful motivator" he says instead, because what else can he say?
Natasha is still keeping Barney immobilized and when she looks at him it's clear the question in his eyes: Should I kill him?
There is a part of Clint, the one that’s hurt beyond belief, that would like to say yes. But the bigger part of him still loves his brother. It's the part of him that had agreed to this stupid mission in the first place.
"You're making the right decision" Thor says, appearing from behind them "sometimes it's hard, but we have to do the right thing. Family means this too, doesn't it?" he asks, with a sad smile.
What Barney has done is much worse that Loki, he knows, but it's stupid comparing hurts. They have both been betrayed by someone they loved very much and it's something that one never forgives easily.
They let Barney go and Clint looks at him and says, calmly "Thank you for everything you've done for me. I'm sorry I've been such a burden to you. But take this to heart: fuck you, brother".
He leaves the circus that night, and since he's near Moscow he thinks he can maybe do a little trip.
"I don't know if I actually want to see you" Natasha tells him, appearing on the train beside him and he laughs.
"I still think that maybe you're just an hallucination" he reveals and she laughs too.
There's nothing fun about their lives, and maybe they have all met because they're all broken in the right spots to fit together perfectly, like a puzzle.
Or maybe Cint is just tired and poetic shit sounds better than rational thought.
It's still a nice thought.
--
Obie confronts him one day and the conversation goes exactly like Tony had thought would go. A lot of yelling, a lot of disappointed stares, a lot of you're not living up to your potentials. It feels like Howard Stark has come back from the dead to re-enact all his speeches, Tony entire life redux, not with even more alcoholism.
It's funny in a way that even his surrogate father has deteriorated to this, it's proof that it really is Tony's fault in the end. It's not an easy thought, but what else is there to think?
It's also possible that he has the most horrible luck in finding father figures, maybe he should stick with robots, or cats, hard to go wrong with a cat.
Obie is saying something else, but Tony is tired, and frankly pissed off so he scoffs and tells the other that he doesn't need another Howard, that he can do this and the company is his, not Obie's, and he will do whatever he wants with it.
It seems to be a good idea at the time, a good speech, that is until Obie looks at him, fury evident in his face and fucking stabs him with a syringe.
What the ever-loving fuck.
"You could have been great, Tony" Obie says with a sigh "we could have done everything we never could with you father, but no, you had to go and do this!"
Obie is pacing evidently angry, but Tony is losing control of his limbs. Fuck.
He falls down quickly and he doesn't even know why.
"Poison, fast acting" Natasha supplies from beside him and Tony would like to say no shit Sherlock, but talking comes difficult right now.
"I can cure him, but we need to neutralize him" Bruce says, throwing daggers with his eyes at Obie's back. As much as his imaginary friend are awesome they are, in fact, imaginary so there's really nothing they can do. He's alone.
"No" someone says and Tony looks at Steve, so focused, his eyes so blue and so deep. Tony knows he likes Steve way too much, it's something he has accepted a long time ago, but right now it feels important. Something he should say while he has the chance.
"No" Steve says again "you will not give up, Tony Stark" and then Steve takes control of his body, Steve that's used to do things while he's almost dying, as sick as a dog, and he orders Dummy to attack.
It's such a stupid plan that of course it works and Tony has never been happier to have built that dump of bolts and stupidity.
Obie falls down, and Bruce starts rattling off stuffs that thankfully Tony has in his lab since he has started buying things that Bruce can play with when he comes to his workshop.
Dummy runs around collecting everything Tony repeats, but he's not really focusing on that.
Even months after this fact, when the memories will be mostly hazy, the thing that will be more focused in his mind will be Steve, his strong voice telling him that it will be okay, that he will be fine, that Steve won't let him die.
It's all he wants, that voice in his ear for eternity, and he hopes that they have the chance to clear up the misunderstanding. A chance to be friends again and maybe something more.
He thinks about going to New York after this because man, fuck Malibu.
Steve laughs, so maybe he has said it out loud, maybe not, their thing is strange.
--
Steve is distracted thinking about Tony, how glad he's that the other is alive, so he doesn't immediately notice that something is strange.
He's getting his blood taken to run the first test, but it already feels like he's a lab rat.
Looking around he considers the room, takes notice of everything out of place: there are way too many people keeping guards, considering he's often confused for a kid. He's not a danger, but it feels like he's being treated like one.
"They are military" Natasha tells him and Steve tries his best not to react. He's worried and he knows now that there is something to be scared about.
"What have you gotten yourself into, man?" Clint asks and Steve really doesn't know, but it's time to get himself out of it.
Natasha smirks behind him and tells him to let her do what she does best, so he lets her take control and just looks fascinated as she decimates the entire fucking room with Steve's little and fragile body.
"Woah, I don't know if that was more hot or disturbing" Tony says, and Steve notices he's a little unsteady on his feet "but I can get you out of here, this digital lock is pathetic. It won't take me even ten seconds".
So Tony unlocks the door and Steve runs as fast as he can.
He doesn't know what these people want with him, but it can't be anything good if this much secrecy had been required and he can't think only of himself, he has other five people in his head.
He has never run this fast in his entire life and, soon, his lungs protest and burn like hell, but he can't stop.
"Dude, if you kill yourself it will be useless" Clint tells him and then he controls Steve's body and makes him jump over a wall "this will give you some advantage so you can slow down a little".
"Thanks" he pants, but he still feels exhausted. He doesn't know where he can run, they know where he lives. God, Bucky is in danger.
"Okay, let's not jump the gun here, we don't even know who they are!" Tony tries to say but everyone looks at him, disbelieving.
"Okay, yes, I can see where the whole ex military and creepy facility makes thrusting difficult but..."
Ant then there are cars surrounding Steve. Fuck.
"Okay someone has a plan?" he asks, but for once no one jumps to talk, great. Steve is fucking screwed.
"I will find you," Tony says, vehemently "if they take you somewhere like Guantanamo or I don't know I will find you. I fucking love you Steve Rogers, don't you dare get yourself killed" and it might be the best thing anyone has ever said to him. And God, he wants to kiss Tony right there, evil organization be damned.
From one of the cars descends a man that focuses on Steve immediately and just sighs.
"Look, can we try and do less of a scene" he says and Steve almost laughs.
"You wanted to kidnap me!" he says and the man huffs.
"No, we wanted to talk to you, but we needed to be sure you were a sensate before we did it. Or it could have just blown up in our faces. Just like now" the man tells him and Steve is confused.
"Sensate?" he asks because it feels like a strange word, and he wonders if it's the name for what they are, if maybe there is actually someone, somewhere, that knows something about what's happening to them.
"My name is Nick Fury I'm with Shield and we study and protect sensate all over the world" Fury continues and smiles "you and your cluster will be protected by us from now on, it's not a bad deal".
"How can you know so many things?" he asks and the other smiles.
"We have worked with sensates for over a century. We have the most completed record of sensate in the entire world " Fury says “also, I don’t have any reason to lie. I have you surrounded” and for some reason Steve is sure that he's telling the truth.
"Can we really trust them?" Clint whispers in Steve's hear, even if Steve is almost sure that there is no need.
"Do we have any other choice?" Bruce asks instead and Steve grimaces because they really don't.
"Great then let's fucking do this" Tony finishes and maybe Steve is scared, but he isn't alone.