Reunion
It has been a few months and Carina and Maya had taken things slowly. Date nights at least once a week. Carina had moved back into the apartment, but she and Maya were staying in separate rooms. Maya had insisted on taking the guest room and Carina was back in their room. They woke up and had breakfast together and had dinner at night. When they didn’t go out, they sat on the couch and talked for hours, usually with a bottle of wine.
They shared a kiss good morning and at night, and when Carina left the station on clinic days. But they hadn’t done more than much more than that. And if Maya was honest with herself, she could admit she was nervous.
Maya had an appointment with Diane, and she was waiting outside her office while she thinks about how much she wants to have sex with her wife. But is nervous, which is ridiculous considering she knew they were good in bed together.
Diane’s door opens and Diane welcomes Maya inside, as she closes the door Diane asks, “how are you doing, Maya.”
“I want to have sex with my wife,” Maya blurts out without thinking, then realizing she had said it out loud, “oh god. Forget I said that. This is supposed to be about work coping mechanisms not… forget it.”
“These sessions are for you to talk out whatever you need to talk about, be it work or intimacy with your wife,” Diane says calmly in that therapist voice she always uses.
Maya relaxes, “it’s just been so long and things with Carina have been much better, and she came home, and everything is basically back together except for the fact that we are sleeping in separate rooms and haven’t had sex.”
“Well reestablishing an intimate connection can be difficult, because in some instances the reminder of what has kept you apart gets in the way, and in other ways it reignites the connection between two people for the better and makes them stronger,” Diane says.
Maya sits with that and wonders about it, “so what? Go for it hope it’s the latter?” Diane pulls out pens and a sheet of paper, “oh god not another timeline.”
Diane has had Maya do a few timelines since their first session at the apartment, but with each passing timeline Maya really did feel like she could breathe easier every time she finished one. Though the breathing came after she felt like she had been hit by a truck but later that day or night Maya did feel freer.
“This I think you might actual like,” Diane says with a wry smile.
“Doubtful,” Maya mumbles and she swears she can already feel her ankle beginning to hurt.
“Make a timeline of your relationship with Carina, the good the bad and everything in between,” Diane says as Maya finally takes the pens and paper.
“How is that supposed to help me with my wife?” Maya asks.
“Why do they always fight me,” Diane asks rhetorically.
Maya is silent and must admit Diane has a point every interaction with her had made her feel better. Even the back when she was captain, and it was the team she was there for. Maya works for about a half an hour before Diane tells her to stop and she looks over at what Maya had written.
“What’s this one mean?” Diane asks pointing to a single word close to the beginning of the timeline.
“Lasagna,” Maya says.
“I can read it, but what does it mean?” Diane asks again.
“There was a rough call, it was the call that killed Rigo. God, I kinda forgot that, not that Rigo’s death but that the lasagna was the same day.”
“I understand,” Diane says gently wanting Maya to get back to the main story not worry so much about Rigo’s death it wasn’t the point of today exercise.
“Um, I was in my office working on the after-action report and Carina came in, she came because Warren had told her it had been a rough call and she had leftover lasagna and she had just come by to check on me.”
“Then what happened,” Diane asks.
“I snapped at her, told her that we just hooked up. That we weren’t dating. And she turned to leave, and I rushed over to her, and I apologized,” Maya laughs softly, “I actually said I was sorry.”
“Why is that funny?” Diane prompts again.
“I’ve had plenty of gorgeous women and men who wanted more from me and more than a few had accused me of being cold, but even then, there was something about Carina. We didn’t know each other that well at that point. She felt like someone I could talk to and after I snapped at her I didn’t want her to leave. I wanted to fix it and I apologized, and I said that I was broken. Cause I guess I’ve always understood that there was something manic about my need to win, even though I never acknowledged it.”
“So, you felt what? Safe? Heard? Seen? With Carina?” Diane asks.
“At that moment,” Maya asks, Diane nods and Maya continues, “loved. I think. I’d never had someone bring me something just because they knew I was having a bad day and there she was with lasagna and just came to check in. She didn’t want anything from me, well probably the apology by the time she left.”
“Are worried that now you are doing the work that she won’t see the same way?”
“She said that day she wasn’t in the habit of fixing broken people and now here I am acknowledging just how broken I am, I guess I’m worried she’s not gonna want that. And I don’t if it’s all wrong if we try and it feels all wrong, I think I would prefer the memory of our last time to be before all of this started. As messed up as everything was at the time, that night was pretty much perfect.”
“Hmm,” Diane says.
“Hmm? That’s what do I do with Hmm?” Maya wonders.
“Do you think that Carina has those same fears?” Diane asks.
“I don’t know, we have talked so much, but we seem to be avoiding the topic, but we have started discussing resuming IVF process again. So, I don’t know. She clearly wants a family with me, but we haven’t been intimate and well I don’t know.” Maya finishes lamely. Not wanting to voice all her worries to Diane because they are so private.
Sensing this was a time to back off and not push Diane days, “talk to your wife, tell her your worries and hopes and if you avoid the subject how can you get back there?”
“So, I gotta walk before I can run?” Maya muses.
“I’m not sure it’s an analogy I love for you, but it is as accurate as any,” Diane allows and noticing the time she finishes with, “same time next month?”
“Yea,” Maya stands up and looks back at the timeline an idea formulating in her mind.
Carina had had a long day and it should have ended three hours ago, but three vaginal births, two c-sections and one very irate patient all because some surgical intern has the bedside manner of an angry porcupine. Had made her shift last well after it was over. She was very much looking forward to going home and having a quiet dinner with Maya.
They had had put in a lot of work together without a couple’s therapist help, and it felt like before in all the best ways and new in even better ways. Carina no longer flinched at seeing Maya on the treadmill, it was now just a normal work out that included a run on the treadmill or outside but never both.
They had discussed their options to grow their family again and Maya had opened up about how disappointed she was when Carina had told her she wasn’t pregnant. She had floated the idea of her resuming the shots and injections required and Maya had agreed but had brought up that she wasn’t sure they should until they were completely on track again and were sleeping in the same bed. And though Maya hadn’t said it Carina had heard the implied sleeping together again.
Carina wanted to, she missed Maya in that way so much, and every time she tried to take things a step further Maya would back out, worried about something she couldn’t quite articulate to herself or Carina. So as of late they had taken to making out on the sofa in the living room and rutting against each other like a pair of horny teenagers, but the friction was never enough, and they both went to their separate rooms worked up and frustrated. Carina who enjoyed the toys in the bedside table with or without Maya hadn’t used them much because they were such a letdown compared to what it was like with Maya who was in the guest room mere feet from her.
Carina hopes that soon Maya can find the words and they can talk about it and reunite in that last intimate way. Because now she is just finding ridiculous that they aren’t sharing a bed, but if Maya wants to go slow and wants to stay separate until she’s ready she won’t push, she’ll wait for as long as it takes. They had done the work and they were in a good place, and most of the fears that Carina had when she met Maya for coffee months ago, were gone.
When she walked into the apartment, she smelled lavender and saw rose petals on the floor leading to living room, but there was also something taped to the wall. It looked like a timeline, Carina was surprised because while Maya had told her that Diane had her writing timelines, Carina hadn’t seen one.
Looked like the start and it said: Feb. 20, 2020- Meeting. There was a bear attack and later I was at a bar, and I met you. You wanted to buy me a drink and hear the story about the bear attack. We talked all night. I found out at the green card hearing that you just wanted to sleep with me the first moment you met me, and well I did too, if I’m honest with myself. But mostly you seemed like a safe person to talk to about whatever was on my mind, and we talked all night. And underneath that Maya had written: follow the arrows on the ground.
Carina looked down and sure enough there was arrows and the next one sent her towards the living room, where she saw a card on the chair that said Lasagna: March 2, 2020, first time I realized that I couldn’t live without you in my life. Not that I thought about it in those terms. I just knew I didn’t want to lose you so soon after meeting you. Carina smiled at that she remembered that day, something about the look in Maya’s eyes had her swooning despite still being upset at how rude Maya had been.
Carina looked down and saw that the arrows had her going into the kitchen and saw another card on the counter and she picked up and read: I’m the truck: we still didn’t know each other that well and I called you for a hook up because I needed some happy after a bad shift. And God it was amazing. You…what you can do with your mouth makes me weak just thinking about it. But I broke down in your arms because I was the truck and was destroying my team and I couldn’t shove it down, and I didn’t want to, not really. And you held me and made me feel safe. And when I woke up a few hours later after that you were still there, finger combing my hair and instead of intense embarrassment, it was the first time in a long time that I felt relaxed in a long time. You didn’t push but after that you let me talk and talk about work until I had come to a decision on what to do and you supported me when I decided to step down. Carina wiped the tears away from her eyes, she remembered that day too, she hadn’t expected it when Maya had called, but she wasn’t gonna leave her not when she was so clearly in so much pain. And that was the moment that Carina realized that Maya wasn’t just a passing fling. She was someone Carina wanted to know every inch of.
The next arrow pointed to the hallway where there was on just past the table, they put their keys on: First Vacation: I know this wasn’t exactly the most relaxing vacation you have ever had. Me calling the station every five minutes, but eventually I managed to mostly relax, and it was an amazing trip and fell in love you right then and there. I wanted to learn to rest and do this with you forever. I wanted more of these firsts and do the whole vacation thing better for you and for me. I wanted more of it. Carina smiled because as much as Maya doesn’t do vacations well in the traditional sense, the fact that she does them at all with her had always made Carina feel special.
Carina looked down and saw another more arrows pointing towards the guest room on the door the card read: Broken Trust: I broke your trust and when I think about that day it makes me sick. I have no excuses other than it was my instinct to burn my world down before someone else can. And you gave me a reason to even be willing to accept my dad for what he was. I should have done better. I will never not be sorry for what I did. All of it and when I saw you still home after… I have never felt more ashamed of myself. How you found it within yourself to forgive me I will never know but I am beyond grateful that you did. Carina would never forget that time in their lives, but it also was so in past that Carina never actively thinks about it. When they had reconciled, Carina let go of the anger and hadn’t felt it since.
Carina pushes the door open and sees another card on the bed and it reads: Moving in: There was some growing pains moving in. Vagina art and cheeses and pasta everywhere. This was both the best and most terrifying moment in our relationship for me. Best because I was all in. Asking you to move in was me saying that I was all in, but then all your things were everywhere, and I felt this itch that had me worried I had made a mistake. Not because I didn’t want you here because I did. I really did. But I was worried that I couldn’t fix the rage and control that my father had instilled in me. But then we talked, and we worked through it and suddenly all your things remind me that I am living with the love of my life and our lives were blending together. And with you here I learned to enjoy meals at the breakfast table and relax. Each passing day I fell harder for you. There as a PS at the bottom saying that the next clue was on the back of the door. Carina shakes her head and Maya’s description of her artwork but smiles because there had been growing pains on both sides. And they had learned how to share a space and grew closer to each other.
Pushing door half closed to get the card, this one read: Andrew’s Death: the fear I felt finding out you two were following that woman was so absolute. And when we were waiting for new about Andrew and we were sitting in the chapel I had gotten a call about a five alarm. And you asked if I was leaving, and I wasn’t. I never had thought about leaving you. Not with Andrew in peril. It hadn’t ever entered my mind and I was surprised at how insane I thought your question was because Captain Maya Bishop before you absolutely would have left to get to the 5 alarms but the Maya Bishop, I was with you would never fathom leaving you in the depths of your pain to deal with it alone. And when he died, I wished I could make everything okay for you. I left you be and got you to pick at things to eat, but I don’t know how helpful I was. I excel at the practical and handled all of that, but I had wished I could have done better with emotional parts. Carina wipes her tears again because as unbearable as Andrea dying had been, the only reason she survived had been Maya. Maya who took care of everything on her list and Maya who offered to take the blame to just get her to relieve some of the pain. Maya who understood ‘too soft’ and let her be and then the Maya who took her to the station and forced her to scream. And scream until she cried and let out the pain, she had been holding in. Maya who had caught her and held her tight when she started crying again and they had gone home, and Carina finally got some sleep. The closest thing to peaceful she had had since Andrea had died. Whatever Maya thought about the aftermath of Andrea dying she would always be grateful that Maya had been there and had been able to take care of her.
She saw more arrows pointing back out of the room and towards their bedroom this time, on the bench outside their bedroom laid another card saying: Engagement: You were right marriage isn’t something to do for the paperwork purposes. And I wish I could redo it. You deserve something special, candles, dinner, all the romance. I can’t believe you said yes, eventually. And then we got married and marrying you was the single best moment of my life. I could become Chief one day and marrying you would easily still be the happiest day of my life. Only holding a little you could possibly beat that day. Because as sad as I was about the demotion, it didn’t ruin everything that day. It didn’t take away from the fact that I married the love of my life. That I married the woman who made me understand what every pop song was talking about. You make me so happy that every day I wake up wondering if you were just a really good dream, but you are always there to remind that it was real. Carina smiled at the card, “oh Bambina,” she says softly, because this card encompasses how she felt about their marriage, but she wasn’t so sad that they hadn’t had a traditional proposal, it was uniquely theirs and that she loved about it.
She looked up and saw on their closed bedroom door a card that read: 5150: You saved my life. You saved our live together. How you managed to stay with me after everything I put you through, I will never know, but I love you and I can’t wait for rest of our lives together. I want more tomorrows with you and more romance. A little you, maybe a little me. I wanna walk this life with you and have a love story that our kids will eventually aim to have as well.
Carina smiled and pushed up the door and was surprised at what she saw, Maya was laying on her side of the bed and was clearly asleep, Carina had texted her she was gonna be late and Maya must have laid down to wait. Carina set all of the cards down on her bedside table and gently got into bed and moved over to mold herself against Maya’s back. She put an arm around Maya and gently took her hand, Maya stirred and stiffened and then relaxed again. Then eventually shot up, “you’re home.”
“Sí, I am,” Carina agrees.
“Oh man, I just meant to rest my eyes, I really messed up the whole big gesture, okay give me second,” Maya says rushing over to her bedside table, but Carina catches her and gently pulls her back onto the bed.
“Bambina, relax, come lay with me, please,” Carina asks.
Maya lays back down and Carina holds her tightly in her arms, “I’m sorry. God first I can’t manage to write vows and now I fell asleep while trying to be romantic.”
Carina smiles into Maya’s neck, “it was still very romantic,” she assures Maya, “but what brought it on?”
“Oh well, I figured out why I was so hesitant to have sex and I want to, if you do, and I fell asleep,” Maya explains.
“And why have you been?” Carina wonders.
“What if it’s different, I mean what if we don’t connect the way we used to? I was worried that we wouldn’t click, and you might leave, and I didn’t want to ruin the last time if there wouldn’t be more times.” Maya rambles.
Carina pulls Maya until she is on her back and Carina is on her leaning on her elbow staring down at Maya, “I’m nervous to, but I am ready if you are.”
Maya leans up and captures Carina in a kiss a hand on Carina’s cheek, “I love you.”
Carina holds on to the wrist of the hand on her cheek, “I love you too.”
No words are spoken as they begin kissing and slowly clothes were shed and they reunited, much later they were wrapped up in each other’s arms again this time without clothes and Maya was the big spoon, kissing up and down Carina’s neck, “I’ve missed you, my love.”
Carina leaned into Maya’s embrace, “I’ve always been right here.”
Maya continues kissing down Carina’s neck before she remembered something, “was there a final card? You were trying to get something from your bedside table.”
“What?” Maya asks, “oh yea,” she shifts on the bed and hands over a folded piece of paper.
“What is?” Carina asks.
“The vows I never wrote,” Maya says shyly.
Carina smiles and opens the folded piece of paper and begins to read:
Carina,
I vow to always let you make coffee in the morning and go out to get it when you are sick, but still want a cup. I can’t imagine a life without you and I can’t wait for our life together, to watch our hair turn grey. Raise a child with you and hopefully they will become a wonderful blend of the very best of both of us. I vow to listen and do what is needed to keep our family whole and healthy. I promise to always do my best to come home to you. I love you, Carina, always.
Carina looks up and pulls Maya in for another kiss, “I love them, Bambina. I love you.”
Maya pulls Carina another kiss and says, “I love you, and I never want this to end.”
Carina laughs, “well we might need something to eat if you want to go again.”
Maya laughs too, “I meant us, but your wish is my command.”
Before Carina can say anything, Maya has gotten out of bed thrown on a shirt and is heading into the kitchen and came back with two bowls of cereal and the chocolate sauce, Carina raises her eyebrow at the chocolate sauce, and Maya shrugs and says, “now it’s my turn to have ideas about where to put this.”
Carina laughs and takes the bowl of cereal as they eat in bed as they chat all while the anticipation builds for what comes next and Carina has no doubt that the next chapter of their marriage will be amazing. That they will be okay and that they will have many more nights like tonight and above all they will be okay and that they will be happy.