Way Back

Maya walked into Grey Sloan and stopped, she had come through the main entrance plenty of times usually to have lunch with Carina when she was off, and Carina was working but now she wasn’t so sure this was a good idea. Diane has suggested a letter, and Maya would have dropped it wherever Carina had been staying but she didn’t know where that was. And she couldn’t make herself text Carina to ask too worried she would be left on read and ignored.

But also, now that she was thinking about it, she thought that delivering anything to Carina while she was at work was unfair, because she would be taking a choice away.

“Firefighter Barbie,” calls out Dr Shepherd who had come strolling up all smiles and wondering eyes. Maya had learned that this was just how Amelia was and usually she quite enjoyed her antics but today was not the day.

“Dr. Shepherd,” Maya says in acknowledgement, hoping she would take the hint.

“Dr. Shepherd, so formal,” Amelia teased then noticed the letter in Maya’s hands, “Carina was pulled into another emergency C-Section, I swear it’s been one after another, she’s spending more time in the OR than I am, and I’m the neurosurgeon.” 

Maya sighs relieved she thinks she wasn’t sure if not seeing Carina was better or worse, “could you give this to her?”

Amelia holds her hand out for the letter and Maya turns to leave, “so does this say sorry for working out so hard I ended up in the ER love me again? I promise I won’t overdo it again and end up in the ER but don’t plan on changing any other habits?”

Maya turned back to Amelia, “that’s none of your business.”

Amelia nods in agreement, “you are probably right about that. God knows you have done an excellent job taking a wrecking ball to your life. I mean to the point I didn’t think was possible without booze and pills. But are sure that whatever is said in this letter isn’t something you should say face to face?”

Maya thought about that, because she wasn’t sure, but the idea of having Carina turn away from her after everything, she couldn’t handle that. So, call it cowardice or selfishness she wrote a letter, “I… could you just deliver it? Please?”

“Sure,” Amelia agrees, “look Bishop, if there’s an insane and hurtful thing to do, I assure you I’ve done it. Even ended up in the ER a couple times too, but you’d be surprised at how far an apology will get you. Especially when the other person is still interested in hearing it.”

Maya cracks what has to be the first smile she’s had on her face since she couldn’t really remember when.

“What?” Amelia asks.

“The last time I messed up it was the same advice I got, I’m not sure it will be enough now,” Maya tells her.

“Well, she did forgive you for doing the ole ex-boyfriend, I think she’ll forgive this too,” Amelia says.

“Yea,” Maya agrees, “but this might have been worse at the very least just as awful. Just give her the letter please?”

“Sure, thing firefighter Barbie,” Amelia slips it into her lab coat, then calls out, “how’d you get here?”

Maya turns back around and says, “drove. I haven’t been getting much running in lately.”

“See you around, Bishop,” Amelia says and watches as Maya leaves Grey Sloan before walking up to the catwalk where she found Carina where she had left her.

Amelia stood quietly as Carina watched Maya’s progress out in the parking lot, “she drove,” Carina finally says more to herself than Amelia.

“She did,” Amelia confirms, “I’m all for running interference, but are you sure that not talking is a good idea?”

“I… don’t know,” Carina admits, “she handed you something.”

“What?” Amelia asks, “Right,” and she pulls out the letter.

“Thanks, Amelia,” Carina said and pushed off the rail and started walking towards her office.

“Hey, I’m here if you wanna talk,” Amelia calls out.

Carina waves her hand in acknowledgement but keeps walking until she gets to her office. She sits and takes a deep breath, she’s not sure what is in the envelope. Knows it’s too small to be divorce papers and Maya wouldn’t have been to one to serve her anyways. But she can’t think what else it would be. She decides she can’t keep wondering and just rips it open and finds a letter.

Carina,

God. Saying a fucked up, would be an understatement, but I did. I should have done a lot of things differently. I know I haven’t been great to be around in a while, but I’ve had the best time with you. Even the not so great moments you made better.

I got help, or more it was accepting help or never go back to work, but I’m seeing Diane twice a week. Have been for a few weeks now. Went back to work, and everyone was good, not Beckett but I wasn’t excepting anything better.

God, I have all these thoughts and I shouldn’t have brought up Andrew like that. I shouldn’t have. And pushing you and until you broke, that might haunt me forever. I shouldn’t have told you that we were done. And I don’t want that. I want you. I want us back.

But I keep thinking about the lasagna you brought me, do you remember? And you told me that you weren’t in the habit of fixing broken people.

Carina looks up from the letter, Maya is seeing Diane, she’s getting help. Carina feels the tears and wipes them away. It was all Carina had wanted since the rooftop after the tornado. But she’s also thinking about lasagna and broken people, Carina goes back to the letter.

Maybe I should have let you walk out the door. But I wasn’t sure I could go on without you even then. But if I had you might have found someone unbroken and able to give you kids. Maybe it would have worked with someone else. And that thought makes me mad, just someone else having a little you. I want a little you to count my blessings on.

You might have been better off, but I wouldn’t have been. I found someone I want to be with always and I want to get back to that.

But I was awful and so much of my dad came out that, I’m scared that it’ll happen again and if you still wanted me around any of child of yours and I went there again. I don’t want that. I don’t wanna do this to another person I love. And I am I wish I could take it back.

I want to fight for us. I want us back, but I understand if this is too much, and you don’t. I was the one issuing ultimatums that I can’t take back, but I want another chance and I’d do anything to not mess this up again.

I don’t know how to end this; I think I’m worried that once I do. That could be it.

All my love,

Maya

Carina looks up from the letter not sure whose tears have stained the page more, hers or the ones Maya must have shed while writing. Carina kept coming back to the line about her seeing Diane. Carina felt that they could work through everything else if Maya got help. It might be slow going, but Carina wanted her wife. Nothing had changed, there. She wanted to be with Maya and if Maya wanted to work on them Carina did too.