Jealousies
The next time Marlene encounters Dorcas, she doesn’t have time to talk to her since Dorcas vanishes the moment they catch their breath. The time after is not more successful. By the third time they encounter after Regulus’ speech, Marlene succeeds to say that they have to talk between two kisses, but Dorcas still quickly leaves in the end.
“Okay.” Marlene says the fourth time, keeping Dorcas at arms’ distance. “We really need to talk.”
“Why?” Dorcas sighs.
“Don’t think I love it too, we just have to.”
“Regulus?”
“Regulus.” Marlene confirms. “It wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t tell him.”
“I didn’t. He guessed. The bastard is clever.”
“You could have denied.”
“When he knows, he knows.”
Marlene passes her hands on her face and keeps her eyes closed for a moment. Yeah, well, Regulus wants them to talk, but talk about what exactly? She feels Dorcas waiting and staring at her through her eyelid and she doesn’t resurface for a few seconds more.
“What are we doing, Marlene?” Dorcas finally asks.
“Enjoying ourselves?” Marlene proposes with a smile.
“We cannot keep doing this.”
“Why?” Marlene asks honestly. It is not the first time she does such a thing, it was never a problem. Why would it be one with Dorcas? Somehow, she feels like it is not enough.
“I am going to ask you one question.” Dorcas says. “One single question. Are you attracted to me in any other way than sexually?”
Marlene lets the question float in the air, watching Dorcas in awe. That’s a question, indeed.
“Are you?” She whispers after a time.
Dorcas opens her mouth, closes it back, closes her eyes and shakes her head. Even if it is not possible, Marlene has the impression to see her mind working at full speed. Maybe she is envisaging every possibilities, maybe she studies every scenario.
Finally, she opens her eyes, and Marlene sees that there are tears in them, “I don’t.”
Marlene feels a pressure to her heart and tries to keep her breathing calm, “Alright.” She murmurs. “Great.”
And on that she leaves the small corridor they were hidden in.
***
“I don’t want to hear a word about Dorcas Meadowes, ever again.” Marlene bursts the second she enter her dorm and sees all of her friends in. “No more jokes, no more references to a supposedly’Dorcas thing’, nothing. I’m not joking anymore. Is that understood?”
She waits for everyone to nod before she runs out of the dorm again, this time leading to the boys’ dorm and locking herself in their bathroom. There, she bursts into tears. Fuck Dorcas Meadowes and her fucking games, what is she fucking playing at and why didn’t Marlene get the rules?
The thing is not Dorcas not wanting anything more, it is that she hinted that she did. When Marlene was in this situation, she always stated her intentions, Dorcas never did. Fuck Dorcas Meadowes.
There’s a knock at the door and Marlene doesn’t answer.
“Marlene?” James’ voice calls. “Could I come in?”
Marlene shakes her head, “No.” She says trying not to sound like she had been crying.
“Okay.” James says. She hears him slide along the door. “What is going on?” He asks.
“Nothing. Everything is fine.”
“Yeah, not to me Marls. I know you.”
“You don’t.” Marlene mumbles.
“Oh, don’t do that. We are friends since years, you’re like my sister, don’t pretend I don’t know you just because you’re upset.” He pauses and Marlene hears him breath. “I don’t know what is going on with Dorcas, I won’t insist, but it is clearly upsetting you, and I don’t like the idea of you being upset. You can talk to me if you want or need to. I’m here. I’m always here.”
Marlene starts to cry again and stands up from where she was on the floor to open the door and let James in. She sits back and he takes her in his arms saying soothing things and playing with her hair. When she succeeds to calm down, she tells him everything: starting from the party now months ago and ending with a few minutes before. James was always easy to talk to, he is James after all.
“I’m so sorry Marls.” He says hugging her tightly and somehow, she knows he already knew. He knew what Regulus knew.
“What do you know?” She says.
“What?”
“Come on James. I know Regulus told you what Dorcas told him. He tells you everything.”
James sighs but there is a fond smile on his lips, “I don’t know much, really. I don’t think he told me everything anyway.”
“I give up.” Marlene says. “ I keep asking people what I should do but I won’t do anything anymore. It’s over. I give up.”
“Marls.” James says.
“No but, what is the point? I just– it is just… I don’t cry over people, okay? I don’t cry over sex or kisses or girls in general. And I cried, and so I give up. That’s all.”
“Why did you cry?” James asks, gently.
Marlene stares at nothing, thinking about it. She doesn’t really know actually. Or maybe she doesn’t want to admit it. Is it just that she is too coward to admit it?
“I’m forgetting everything.” She says, standing up and not looking at James. “It’s just sex for her anyways. It was never more for me with anyone, so it was just sex.” She wipes her tears in front of the mirror. “And I’m done with that too. I forget that too.”
“Come on Marls.”
She turns to him with a grin, “I’m alright. Really. I’ll put that on the moon.”
“We’re not even close to full moon or anything.”
“It’s always because of the moon, Jamie. Always.” And on that she helps him on his foot and they join their friends.
Remus and Sirius are on her bed so she joins them and lays on them.
“Not that you’re heavy Marls, really, but you’re on my hip.” Remus says trying to push her.
“Oh, sorry.” Marlene says rolling on Sirius.
“I– can’t– breath.” Sirius says dramatically, his face in the covers.
“Oh, choke him! Please!” Peter says.
Sirius head snaps up and he glares at Peter, “You traitor! You wanted to kill me!”
“I’d rather send you to jail.” Peter nods.
“Which crime?” James asks.
“The crime of being to stunning.” Sirius says and James lets out a ‘oh’ like if it was the real reason.
Peter slaps his face with his palm which make everyone but Sirius and James laugh.
After that, they start chatting again but Marlene doesn’t say much. She lets herself being cuddle by both Sirius and Remus.
“You’re like my dads.” Marlene says.
“I thought we were you mummies!” Mary cries.
“Yeah, that too.” Marlene nods.
“And what Pete and I are then?” James cries in turn.
“You said you were my brother.” Marlene says. “And Peter is like, my annoying cousin, but I like him anyway.”
“I don’t know if I’m offended.” Peter says looking around. “Should I be offended?”
“I know that I am the annoying cousin.” Sirius says. “I mean, in the Black family. They used to hide from me.”
“That’s sad.” Lily says.
“No!” Sirius answers. “I always found them. I loved to annoy them. Merlin, I was great.”
“You’re still great.” Peter mumbles which brings a grin on Sirius’ face.
And on and on.
***
Although it’s been almost two month since Sirius and Remus are together, not everyone seems to know. Not that they hide their relationship, people just tend to ignore what they don’t want to see, and many girls want to ignore the fact that Sirius is taken.
“Hinhinhin.” Remus makes, imitating the laugh of a girl flirting with Sirius a few meters from their table at the Great Hall. “Bitch.”
“You’re jealous.” Lily chants.
“I’m not.” Remus snaps, glaring at the girl.
“You know he only has eyes for you, don’t you Remus?” Mary asks.
“Look how he is grinning.” Remus says. “The son of a bitch.”
Marlene looks in the direction of the duo and sees the polite smile on Sirius’ face. Okay, Sirius’ polite smile doesn’t really look like one but Remus knows how to make the difference, he is just jealous.
It is funny, Remus being jealous, knowing that Sirius never felt any attachment to anyone before him. Sirius would do anything for Remus, literally anything. So Remus’ jealousy is a bit irrational, if not totally.
“Don’t people know we are together?” Remus asks, never taking his eyes off Sirius.
“You didn’t make any announcement.” Lily jokes.
“Yeah, we didn’t.” Remus says, thinking.
“Remus?” Lily says.
“Sirius!” Remus calls, and in two seconds, Sirius apologises to the girl and joins them.
“What is it, Moony?” He asks innocently.
Remus gets on the table and makes Sirius follow him. Sirius is grinning so widely that it makes Marlene smile too. She doesn’t have time to ask herself what Remus is going to do before he is snogging Sirius. The Great Hall falls silent as everyone stare at the couple. Well, for an announcement, that’s an announcement.
Marlene’s eyes lock with Dorcas’ and they don’t look away for the entire duration of the kiss.
“There.” Remus says when he breaks the kiss. “ I think people know now.”
Sirius looks at him, lips parted, like Remus is the most beautiful and amazing thing he ever saw and he leans for another kiss but they are brought back to life by McGonagall who tells them that they have nothing to do on the table and that such demonstrations of affection are not tolerated in the Great Hall, but she takes the time to specify that it has nothing to do with them being both boys, which makes everyone holding back their laugh. That woman really is amazing. In the end, neither Remus nor Sirius gets detention.
“She loves us.” Sirius says fondly, and no one can disagree. He then takes Remus’ hand, “Now, will you please excuse me, I have to shag with my boyfriend.” He turns to James and Peter, “Don’t come back to the dorm too soon.” And they’re gone.
“I’ll sleep in the common room.” Peter says and there’s a note of terror in his voice. “Never again.”
“Do you mean..?” Mary asks.
“Never again.” Peter repeats, and everyone bursts into laughter.
***
“Happy birthday Moony!” Sirius chants when he joins them in the Great Hall.
“Sirius” Remus grunts. “It is not eight in the morning yet and you’ve already wished me happy birthday seventeen times.”
“Yeah, that’s not enough? Happy birthday my love.” He says leaning for a kiss.
“Don’t call me that.” Remus says, but Marlene sees him blush and he accepts the kiss.
Marlene and Dorcas haven’t talk since weeks and Marlene is doing great. Very great. Perfectly even. She doesn’t miss her at all. What is there to miss, really? Nothing. Why is she even thinking about Dorcas? It’s great that they don’t talk.
Fortunately, she’s still friend with Pandora, but she is not flirting with her anymore, and she talk less to her. Truly, it has nothing to do with Dorcas.
“You love it, really.” Sirius says, pulling away with a grin. “Anyhow, the theme of tonight’s party is black.”
“There’s a theme?” Peter asks.
“Why is it black? Why are you choosing the theme of my birthday’s party?” Remus asks.
“I’m claiming you.” Sirius nods. “Black is great. And plus, everyone has black in their wardrobe.”
“I don’t.” Lily says.
“I’ll need help for the decoration” Sirius ignores her. “Who’s in?”
“Of course I’m in.” James says. “It’s Moony’s birthday.”
“I’m in too.” Lily sighs.
In the end, everyone agrees to help Sirius, not that he would have let anyone refuse, and not that anyone wouldn’t do anything for Remus.
Marlene sighs at the idea of getting so little sleep (because she already knows how it is going) but Remus’ birthdays are always amazing. Everyone loves Remus Lupin, that’s just a fact.
Later that day, when everyone is decorating and Sirius is just laying in a sofa with Remus, a thought hit Marlene and she goes to Sirius, who seems to magically understand what she thinks, takes her hand and leads her to the stairs where they sit.
“She’s going to be there.” Sirius says and Marlene doesn’t even try to deny. Sirius told him himself, she can try to fool anyone but she’ll never fool him. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be.” Marlene says. “She has every right to be there.”
“They’re not even friend, really.”
“The whole school is going to be there Sirius. It makes sense for her to be there.”
He lays his head on her shoulder and she smiles. Since last time, she told him and Mary the whole story, just like she did with James. She knows that now all of their group of friends know but she doesn’t mind. It’s over. Dorcas can be there since there is nothing going on between them anymore. It’s been weeks, really, it’s over.
“Does it worry you?” Sirius asks.
“Imagine if something happens.”
“Do you want anything to happen?”
“I put a cross on whatever happened.” Marlene just says.
Sirius sighs and Marlene knows he is not convinced. “It’s going to be alright.” He says.
“I think I’m ready to go back to, you know, without meaning.”
“Are you?”
Marlene nods, “Yeah. It was nothing, really.” Sirius nods and Marlene pats his head, “Now come on, help us decorate the common room for your boyfriend or Lily and Mary will burn your hair.”
“Not my hair!” Sirius gasps. “I’ll be nothing without my hair!”
“You know you’ll be hot without a single hair on your body Sirius, don’t act humble that doesn’t suit you.”
***
“You look gorgeous in that blouse!” Nancy, a Ravenclaw girl in their year, says to Marlene around eleven at night.
“Do I?” Marlene asks with a grin. “I like that blouse.”
“Yeah, it really suits you.” The girl smiles. “It’s great that everyone respected the theme.”
“Oh, it was just Sirius Black putting his label on Remus. You know, black.”
“Oh.” Nancy says with wide eyes, the dots connecting. “They’re together, right?”
“Weren’t their kiss explicit enough?” Marlene raises an eyebrow.
“Well, the fact that Remus instigated it made it more believable.” Nancy nods. “On the other hand, Sirius could have done that to joke.”
“Believe me,” Marlene smiles, “Sirius doesn’t joke with Remus.”
Marlene turns her head to put her hair back in place and crosses Dorcas’ gaze. She is sitting in a sofa with a superb black dress and she is glaring at Marlene.
Marlene decides to ignore her, she put a cross didn’t she?
“So,” she says, focusing back on Nancy. “want to dance?”
Nancy smiles and they join the ones dancing at the centre of the common room. Remus’ birthday are always so much fun and this one doesn’t disappoint.
Marlene can feel Dorcas’ eyes on her but she ignores it, well, she tries to at least, but she has the impression that Dorcas’ gaze pierces through her. She ignores, ignores, ignores. She dances with Nancy but her mind keeps slipping to Dorcas.
“That dress really is splendid.” She says trying to distract herself.
Nancy frowns, “I’m not wearing a dress.”
Marlene looks at her from head to toes. Oh, right, Nancy is not wearing a dress, that’s Dorcas.
“Oh I’m so stupid.” She says with a smile. “I think I drank a bit too much.”
Nancy smiles and they move closer to each other. When she is about to kiss her, Marlene feels a hand on her shoulder and she shudders at the touch. Dorcas.
“Excuse me.” She hears Dorcas say. “I have to borrow you Marlene a second.”
Marlene turns to face her, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
Dorcas takes her away from the dance floor, “What are you playing at Marlene?”
“Don’t tell me you’re jealous.” Marlene scoffs. “You can’t possibly be jealous.”
“You’re doing it on purpose.” Dorcas says.
“You’re fucking kidding me!” Marlene yelps. “Do I have to remember you that it was only about sex? That you said it was only about sex? You don’t have the right to be jealous.”
“You were the first one to say it was nothing!” Dorcas shouts.
“Maybe I changed my mind!” Marlene screams.
Dorcas’ mouth falls open and they stop talking. Oh shit. Marlene didn’t mean to say that. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Shit. Shit. Is that what she really thinks? Why is she feeling the effects of alcohol now? That’s clearly not the moment.
“We should sit.” Dorcas says and they do just that.
They do not look at each other no-more. Marlene’s ears ring and she doesn’t hear the party anymore. Fuck her. Her head is turning and she didn’t even drink that much. It’s Dorcas’ effect.
They turn to face each other at the same time, mouths half open like if they were going to talk.
“Go on.” Dorcas says after a time.
Marlene takes a big breath, alright, she’ll talk then, “I– I don’t really know what is happening. Between us. But maybe we are no good too close from each other.” She starts, trying to find her words, “But maybe we are no good too far away too.”
Dorcas looks at her then sighs, “Maybe we could try to be friends.” She offers with a smile.
Marlene considers the idea. Maybe it was the solution all along. Maybe they can just be friends. Maybe it is what Mary saw in them. Friendship. Maybe Marlene can try not to burn inside when she sees Dorcas with someone, because that’s not what friendship is.
“We could.” Marlene finally says. “Just friends. No kissing, no jealousy, no fights, just friendship.”
“I already saw you kiss you friends.” Dorcas says with a grin, and Marlene laughs.
“I think we should avoid too many physical contact if we want to be friends.”
“I agree.” Dorcas smiles.
And so, on Remus Lupin’s seventeenth birthday, Marlene McKinnon and Dorcas Meadowes become friends.