Mother fucking closet
All Marlene wanted to do was to fly. Just fly. At first no one was on the field and it was perfect. She practiced a few swings and all but mostly, she just flew.
But then a stupid bird flew in her broom and she had to fix that. She went to the closet in which all the cleaning and fixing things where. Along with the cleaning and fixing kits, she found Dorcas Meadowes.
“Meadowes.”
“McKinnon.”
That’s when the door slammed. Just like that, a gust of wind. Evidently, the door was stuck. Evidently, Marlene had left her wand with the rest of her things.
“I don’t have my wand.” She says after a long time of the two of them trying to open the door manually.
“You got to be kidding me.” Says Dorcas, passing both hands on her braids.
“So you don’t have yours either.” Marlene asks, drily.
“No. Obviously not.”
“Brilliant.”
Marlene sits on the floor and closes her eyes. How did she end up there? How does she always ends up in those situations? Is the universe punishing her for something she did? Is that because she’s gay?
They stay silent for a long time. An infinite amount of time. And they wouldn’t have talked at all if it wasn’t for Dorcas.
“I’m not a lesbian.”
“What?”
“I am not a lesbian.”
“Okay? Don’t care?”
“I’m not even queer.”
“I’ll have to disagree.”
“I’m not.”
“Okay!” Says Marlene, putting her hands up. “Whatever you like, I don’t care.”
“Don’t go tell anyone what happened.”
“You where the one saying that in the Great Hall at noon. I don’t even remember our kiss.”
“Kisses.” Dorcas corrects, shyly.
“We kissed several times?” Marlene yelps. There it is. Guilt. Why would she feel guilty? It’s not like if she never forgot a kiss, but never several with the same person. This person being Dorcas doesn’t change a thing. Or maybe it changes everything. Clearly, Marlene is lost.
“Yes we did.”
“And you’re not queer.”
“No. I’m not.”
“Why are you telling me that? That’s none of my business. I don’t give a damn about your sexual orientation.”
“I don’t want you to tell people we kissed. I don’t want you to tell people I’m a lesbian even though I’m not.”
“I don’t want people to know we kissed either!” Marlene bursts. Why would she want such a thing? She doesn’t get where this conversation is going, neither where it’s coming from. “If you don’t want people to know, why did you talked about it in front of all of my friends this morning? You clearly heard I don’t remember.”
Dorcas stays silent for a while. Marlene stares at her, waiting for something, anything. “They are not going to talk about it, right?”
“I can’t assure you anything. You know Peter. He is gossip.”
“You are gossip.”
“From where do you think I know all of the gossips? Dear Pete.”
They fall silent once more. Are they going to spend the whole night here? People are going to look for them, right? Their friends are going to worry, and since their friends are friends, they are going to connect the dots. Marlene just hopes they won’t think it was intentional.
She thinks about Dorcas’ denial. So they kissed several times and this girl still thinks she’s straight? Well, Marlene was in denial for quite a time before accepting her attraction for women, but still.
Actually, Marlene did kiss Sirius several times, and Remus, and James and maybe even Peter. Damn, she kissed the whole group? Anyways, those kisses don’t make her less of a lesbian. But the context were different, they are some of her best friends. What was even the context with Dorcas?
“Why did we kissed?” She asks, making Dorcas jump in surprise.
“What?”
“Well, I don’t remember. What was the context?”
“There was none.” Dorcas says, avoiding eye contact.
“None?”
“Yes! None!” Dorcas snaps, visibly annoyed.
Marlene turns that over and over again in her head while they fall silent once more. Why the hell would she kiss Dorcas, several times, without context? The more she learns about what happened at the party, the more baffled she is, the less she wants to know. “Let’s never talk about that again. It was clearly a mistake.”
“Right. Let’s forget.”
“Already done.” Marlene grins.
After that, the atmosphere begins even more tense. Marlene does not, in fact, appreciate tense atmosphere. It gets on her nerves. Well, a lot of things get on her nerves, here she is, stuck in a room with two of these things. She decides not to acknowledge Dorcas at all. Soon, someone will free them from this hell.
There it is. The moment she thinks about it she knows she’s screwed. She’s fucking locked in a closed. Okay, she knew it. The thing is, Dorcas occupied her mind too much for her to realise the real implication of the situation. She is locked in a closet. And what preoccupies her now is not the tense atmosphere, it is not Dorcas Meadowes. It’s the closet. The mother fucking closet. Because if her mom didn’t raise a hand on her, she did those kind of things. The kind of things that involve locking a six, seven, eight, nine, ten years old in a closet. For a whole afternoon, for a whole night, for a whole day.
She curses to herself in her head. Why didn’t she stay focus on Dorcas, for Circe’s sake? Breathing starts to begin difficult and she knows a panic attack is coming, like they always did.
“Dorcas.” Marlene croaks.
“What is there?” Dorcas responds, rolling her eyes.
“We have to get the hell out of here.” Marlene says, getting on her feet. “I have to get out.”
“Well, in case you’ve forgot, the door is locked.”
“I’m not kidding, Dorcas. I have to get out of here.” Tears now threaten to flow. She cannot do this. She cannot. She hears her mother voice in her head over and over again. A voice she hasn’t listen to since she was thirteen.
Dorcas seems to understand the immediacy of the situation. “Okay.” She says quietly. “Okay.”
And they try again. And again. And they scream for someone to come, but the screams trigger Marlene even more and soon she’s back on the floor, her face between her knees, her hands on her head, rocking back and forth. Tears are running down her face. She’s miserable. She hates this situation and what she hates even more is that Dorcas Meadowes have got to see her like that. Fucking hell why did it have to be her? Why couldn’t she be locked here with someone who will make her feel safe? Why does she even have to be locked?
And while she asks herself those questions over and over in her head, Dorcas sits silently next to her and lay a light hand on her back. Not moving a millimetre, just laying there. And without warning, Marlene starts to calm down. Because Dorcas hand is so warm, so comforting. Because she realises she’s not locked alone in this closed. And that the wind which closed the door wasn’t her mother.
She doesn’t move. She stays in that position, hardly breathing, trying to calm down. She knows she cannot be in her normal state, but is can be better. Even when she’s at the best she can get, Marlene doesn’t move. And she doesn’t move when the door opens and McGonagall passes her head inside, telling them they can get out. And she doesn’t move when Dorcas take out her hand from her back.
“Marlene.” She says softly, more softly than Marlene ever heard her. “Marlene.” She repeats to be sure Marlene listens. “It’s okay. We can go out. It’s okay. Let’s go out, alright?”
Dorcas reaches Marlene’s hand and, finally, Marlene does move. She looks at Dorcas who gazes at her with wide eyes.
“It’s okay, Marlene. Come on.”
And they leave the closet. Dorcas is still holding Marlene’s hand. Marlene looks at her in disbelief before she take out her hand from Dorcas’ grip. McGonagall is talking to them but she doesn’t take her eyes out of Dorcas. She wants to run away. She wants to fucking cry. But Dorcas is looking at her too, something so gentle in her gaze Marlene wants to collapse. Eventually, Dorcas answers McGonagall and she leaves, telling them to go back to their houses.
“Are you okay?” Dorcas asks so gently that Marlene barely ears.
Marlene stares at her for a little bit longer. Dorcas just waits for Marlene to answer. Fuck, has Dorcas always been that beautiful? That infuriates Marlene.
“I’m alright.” She snaps looking away. “I just- I’m alright.”
And then she turns away and walks the more calmly she can to her dorm, leaving Dorcas behind her.
***
Mary have tried to talk to her but Marlene didn’t acknowledge her. She does love Mary deadly but right now, she is not what Marlene needs. Actually, she doesn’t really know what she needs. Neither what she wants. Marlene is so fucking lost.
She understands that Mary and Lily decided to let her alone in the dorm after respectively trying something. They always get it. Marlene loves them so much. She’s so angry at herself for pushing them away. She’s so angry at herself for not knowing what she needs and wants. She’s so angry at herself for not having been able to contain herself in front of Dorcas earlier.
Two hours and a half. They spent two hours and a half in that closet. That’s so much less than what Marlene used to experience and, still, she acted pathetically. She was seven again and she broke her toy. She was nine again and she spilled her drink. She was thirteen again and she was yelling at her mom that she will never come back and that she couldn’t do anything against that.
She never left, her mother never talked to her face to face again.
Sometimes she gets letters. They fuck her up every time. She can’t help it. Because it is not like if her mother leaves her a note from time to time. She sends Marlene full letters, sometimes three pages, in which she blames her for everything that is going wrong in the world and more. There’s always more.
There’s a knock on the door and someone enters. Marlene turns to face Sirius.
“Hi.” He says softly.
Sirius. Sirius her best friend. Sirius who knows everything about her family, even more than Mary. Sirius who knows how it feels. Sirius who saw her in some of her worst time. Sirius. Sirius. Sirius. Sirius who never looks at her with pity on his eyes. Sirius who fucking understands.
She gets out of bed and almost runs to him. Sirius reaches out and Marlene falls in his arms, crying frantically, not able to stop. Sirius just holds her, solid as a rock. He pats her hair and holds her. And hug her. He doesn’t say a word. Marlene knows he knows.
“I love you, Sirius.” She says between two sobs.
“Sorry to break you but I’m devoted to someone else.” She ears in his voice that he is grinning.
“Fuck off! You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, I know.” He says, this time much, much more softly. “I feel the same. I love you too Marls.”
“It was horrible.”
“I know. Let’s sit, okay?” Sirius answers, leading her back to her bed.
“I made such a fool of myself. Why did it have to be Dorcas? Oh my God, I’m so ashamed.”
“There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I would say that you handled that like a queen. Two bloody hour and a half! You’re fucking wondrous Marlene.”
Marlene starts sobbing again and Sirius doesn’t let go of her. She thinks one more time that she does not deserve him. She knows Sirius would hate to ear that. She knows that but she cannot stop herself from thinking it. It’s what her mother repeated to her. Still repeats. Over and over and over. That she’s not worth love. That she’s not worth anything.
“Fuck her!” Marlene yelps. “The bitch. Fuck her.”
And even if Sirius doesn’t know for sure who Marlene is referring to, he nods, “yeah. Fuck her.”