Driving is fun!
After he pulled away from Natasha’s hug, Tony looked up at Clint. “Hi,” he said.
“You are an idiot,” Clint replied, “And you’re lucky you’re not a dead idiot.”
“I know,” Tony said. “Without Tasha, I don’t think I’d be able to step away from the edge. She saved my life.” He turned back towards Natasha. “Without you, I would never have the chance to get better.”
“Well, now you have a chance, and you better take it.”
Tony nodded. “You know what I should do?”
“What?” Asked Steve, saying his first thing since he woke up.
“I should go out in public, or at least answer my phone.” Suddenly, Tony’s eyes filled with panic. “Pepper!” He yelled. “Nobody tells Pepper, not yet.”
Everyone in the room nodded.
“Okay,” Clint agreed. “But on one condition.”
“What do you want?” Tony asked.
“If you try anything like that again, I tell her everything,” Clint said.
“Dea-” Before he could finish, Steve spoke up.
“I have a condition too,” he said.
“You to Cap? Come on, I’m letting you sleep in my bed! Is that not enough?” Tony pretended to be shocked, even though he expected that the others would also want something. Though, he never expected what Steve actually wanted.
“No drinking,” Steve said.
“What?!” Tony exclaimed.
“Every time you drink, it ends badly. I want you to stop. You need to be sober for me to not tell Pepper what happened,” Steve said sternly.
“And if she asks if something like this has happened, I’m not lying. Also, I will tell her, very soon, but I think you need time to cope with it before she knows. That is the only reason I am not calling her right now,” Natasha added.
“Okay, I agree that you are all right. I’m still not telling you where my secret drink stashes are though,” Tony said.
“JARVIS will tell us,” Clint said.
“Indeed,” the AI’s disembodied voice said.
“Hi J,” Tony said.
“Hello, sir. May I recommend-”
“Mute,” Tony said, effectively cutting off his AI.
“That was rude,” Natasha said.
“I don’t feel like listening to him right now,” Tony replied, shrugging.
“I do!” Steve said. “Unmute.”
“Thank you, Mister Rogers. Before I was stopped, I was going to recommend that sir speak to someone about his PTSD, and maybe even get some depression medication,” Jarvis said.
Tony was about to dismiss Jarvis again but stopped when Clint shot him a threatening look. “I think that’s a wonderful idea,” the archer said cheerfully.
“No, it's not,” Tony said. That wasn’t even worth thinking about in his opinion.
“I'll figure it out on my own,” Tony thought.
Nobody else said anything about it, not wanting to argue with Tony right now.
“Hey, how’s Bruce?” Clint asked all of a sudden.
“I don’t know, maybe we should go talk to him,” Natasha said.
“Are we sure that’s a good idea? He seemed pretty upset on the roof, he might’ve Hulked out,” Steve said, always trying to be the voice of reason.
“Actually, I was surprised, but there was no hint of the Other Guy while I saw him,” Natasha said.
“That’s odd,” Tony said. “But, that also means that he is probably still Doctor Banner! Let’s go be supportive!” Tony didn’t say anything about it, but he was more than a little worried he might’ve triggered his science bro. He remembered Bruce talking about how he had tried to kill himself while they were on the quinjet. It had hit him hard because even from the start, Tony liked Bruce Banner. It left him feeling glad that the Hulk was there.
“Are you sure we should go? He might want to be alone right now,” Clint said.
“Who cares? He was extremely upset before, and he needs his friends,” Tony said, shedding off the last of his sleepiness as he climbed out of bed. “Who’s coming?”
“We all will,” Steve answered, following Tony’s lead, and rolled out of bed, wiping the remnants of sleep from his eyes.
“Cap, I have a very important question,” Tony said.
“Yes?”
“How do you look so damn perfect after you just woke up? ‘Cause damn son, you’re looking like you just went through hair and makeup stations!”
Steve just blushed and self consciously put a hand up to smooth his hair, which as Tony said, was already all in place.
“Did that serum give you the power of perfection? Honestly, I was jealous of the perfect Captain America before, but now that I know that you even look like a model after waking up, I’m practically green- with envy, not rage,” Tony said, continuing to goad the captain.
“Thanks?” Steve said uncertainly. “Is that the proper reaction?” He asked, looking at Natasha for help.
She just laughed as she got up and headed for the door. Clint went over to the confused captain and clapped him on the back. “I don’t know actually know,” he said smiling. “Tony, what was that?”
“It was a genuine compliment! Also, I was play flirting to lighten the mood and to see Steve blush. It’s very easy to make Steve blush,” Tony said with a laugh.
“Aw, leave the poor man alone,” Natasha called from the doorway.
“Not now, maybe later,” Tony said.
Tony, Natasha, and Clint laughed, and Steve let a fond smile curl his lips as they all left the room, on their way to check on Bruce.
+++
(Bruce POV)
All that Bruce could see was Tony.
Tony, just lying unmoving on Natasha’s lap. His quiet pleas, his shaking form. Bruce didn't even think the engineer knew how cold he was on the roof.
He would've been even colder dead, Bruce thought.
“NO!” He shouted aloud to himself, trying to shake the thought out of his head. He failed.
Dull eyes staring at the sky…
“No, no, no,” Bruce mumbled, putting his head into his hands.
Cold limbs lying limply…
Bruce cried, and then suddenly he kept thinking of his own attempt…
His head was a war of images, of Tony on the edge, Tony’s corpse, the empty bottle… Bruce's own face as he wanted to die. The gun…
And then there were the things he felt. Not emotions, but actual touches on his skin.
The weight of the gun in his hand, in his mouth. The shaking when he hesitated on the trigger… Tony's limp hand lying in his, just the touch telling him that you are too late.
Bruce slid down to the floor.
The feeling of being pushed aside as the Other Guy took over.
Bruce took a deep breath.
The actual weight on his heart when he saw his friend, his science bro.
He rubbed his hand on his face, trying to hold back a flood of tears.
The tingling all over his body as the green covered his skin like a sheet, slowly covering the usual pale flesh.
He let the dam in his eyes break.
The feeling of inevitability as he pressed the gun to his mouth.
Bruce was a sobbing mess on the floor.
The uselessness at the sight of two defeated figures, seeming to take up the whole large roof.
He curled up in a small circle on the floor, and squeezed his eyes shut, throwing his hands over his ears.
He was haunted by it all.
-
And then, the Avengers walked into his room. When they got there, all they saw was a brilliant scientist reduced to tears on the floor.
“Shit!” Bruce heard a voice say. Quick pounding footsteps echoed in his head, sending stabbing pains shooting through his head. “It's all my fault,” the voice sobbed, and he felt a thump next where his body lay on the floor.
More voices followed the first, all of them concerned.
“Bruce? Bruce, it's me, Tony. I'm here buddy, and we are both alive. Isn't life great, it's quite swell indeed… Oh, wait now I sound like Steve, who loves and cares about you!” Tony continued rambling to the shaking friend, constantly commenting on the beauty of being alive, and how much they all care about him.
As Bruce very slowly but surely came back to himself at the sound of the familiar babble coming from his friend’s mouth, he grew angry as he listened to the words.
“Shut. Up,” he grunted, both words sharp and formal, filled with an unusual amount of rage. Usually, when Bruce felt this angry, the Hulk would make an appearance. For some reason, the Other Guy seemed to be allowing Bruce to grieve.
“I-” Tony stuttered, trying to find a proper reaction to Bruce lashing out like that.
“I said to SHUT UP!” Bruce’s words grew in volume as he spoke. After a moment of silence from the team, he calmed himself and spoke in a low voice. “How can you, of all people, preach about how valuable life is? You tried to end your own, remember?”
Bruce felt only a little remorse when he saw the flinch from almost everyone on the team.
The only one seemingly unaffected was Tony himself.
“You are a selfish bastard Tony Stark,” Bruce continued. “You think that it’ll all be fine if you pep talk me back from a trigger? Well, fuck you! You almost died! Do you even realize that? We almost lost you for good, and for what? Because Fury was mean? That’s a dumb reason and you know it!”
Tony looked calm. Only Natasha, who was trained to notice even the smallest details, saw how each word cut into Tony like a knife.
“It was stupid, you’re right,” Tony replied, carefully concealing the strain to his voice as he seemed to admit this to himself too. “Don’t you think I know that?”
“Obviously, you don’t, or else it would never have happened in the first place,” Bruce said coldly.
Tony just nodded.
The others couldn't take this, seeing Tony just allow himself to be belittled like this. They understood Bruce didn't know how to control his anger through words, as he wasn't used to it, but they knew this had gone too far.
“Stop,” Steve said sternly.
“Why? He's right Steve, and I need to hear it. I need to realize how my actions affect other people,” Tony said in a neutral voice.
“Yes, but not like this,” Clint said sadly. “We all need to talk, but calmly, not by blaming and yelling.”
“Please just leave. All of you, just go,” Bruce said, agitated that it was all turned back to him as if he was the bad guy.
He had only spoken his mind, which is more than the others did.
While the others wanted to protest, one look from Natasha convinced them not to. Clint, Steve, and Tony all filed out the door.
“Go away,” Bruce said, though he was not looking at Natasha.
Natasha almost left, but she stopped at the door. Not even looking back at the crumbling man behind her, she made her voice clear. “You have a right to your feelings you know. Don't listen to them. I'm just proud you haven't turned green.”
And then she walked away.
Bruce thought about her words, but he didn't like the last part.
The Hulk felt rage, not uselessness. And, Bruce decided uselessness was the worst feeling of all.
(End Bruce POV)
+++
After leaving the room with everyone else, Clint went into the communal floor so he could grab some food and watch a movie. All of the stress over the past few days was starting to get to him, and he was going to be in a foul mood if anything else happened.
“Anyone else want to watch?” he asked, jumping onto the couch, immediately spreading out and getting comfortable.
Steve gratefully accepted the offer, and when Natasha walked in a few minutes later she did too, but Tony declined.
“I think I’m going to go out for a bit,” Tony said, reaching for a jacket that had been sitting on an armchair for weeks.
“Want anyone to go with you?” Clint asked, worried for how Tony was holding up after everything.
“No thanks. I’ll only be gone for a bit. When I get back, I think we should all talk as a team,” Tony answered.
As Clint watched Tony leave, he just felt concern for him because of the guilt obviously weighing down on him, causing the engineer’s shoulders to slump and his usual fake smile to fall short.
“There’s nothing you can do,” Natasha said wisely, noticing how Clint was still staring at the elevator doors even after they closed.
“I know,” Clint said. “And that’s what I’m upset about.”
Nobody said anything else as Clint flipped the TV on, choosing Hunger Games as a good team movie.
+++
Tony smiled as his car sped down the abandoned road, pushing the gas pedal down and allowing himself to go as fast as he wanted.
He found the street just outside the city a few years ago, and he absolutely loved it. He soon bought it from the state, and after the sale went through, he immediately closed it off.
He usually went here whenever he had to think or let go of some of his aggravation.
After an hour of driving recklessly, letting all of his thoughts drift away so all he could do was revel in the cool air whipping his face and the adrenaline coursing through his veins, Tony slowed down and eventually, he stopped.
Now came for the hard part: thinking.
Not many people would think this to be a difficult task for the genius, but if there was one thing that Tony hated, it was thinking of and dealing with emotions.
Face it, Anthony Edward Stark was just not an emotional guy.
The first conclusion he came to was that he had to tell Pepper. Pepper, who was always so worried, who would probably be crushed.
Tony decided that waiting was too painful, so he called her now, knowing that her meeting had ended and she probably wasn’t busy.
She answered on the second ring.
Tony was hoping that she wouldn’t answer at all. He stopped paying attention and started panicking in his head.
“Tony? Is everything alright?”
The worry in her tone was enough to finally snap him out of his head, and he felt bad, as she had probably been trying to talk to him for a couple minutes now.
“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Tony replied, his voice shakier than he wanted it to be.
“Oh my god Tony, I’ve been trying to reach you for days! The media is going crazy with your sudden disappearance, and I haven’t seen or heard from you, and-”
“I know, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you to clean up my mess like that,” Tony said, voice betraying his guilt.
“No, no it’s fine. I just wanted to know if you were okay,” Pepper said.
Tony found himself tearing up. Of course she would be so kind and understanding, she always was.
So much for not being emotional.
At the sound of his crying, Pepper grew worried again. “Tony, what’s wrong?”
He took a deep breath and tried to steady his voice unsuccessfully.
“I fucked up,” he said.
“Oh god, what did you do?” Pepper asked.
“I- I almost jumped off my building,” he said, letting the sobs shake his whole body. The weight of everything was crushing him, and he was having trouble breathing. “I’m so sorry Pep.”
There was no answer on the other side of the line. He heard a banging, which he assumed was the phone being dropped before a second later, a shaky voice responded.
“What?” She said.
“I’m so sorry,” Tony sobbed.
“It’s okay, it’s all going to be okay,” Pepper said, now also crying. It sounded like she was trying to convince herself too.
“I’m coming over,” she said after a few minutes of both of them crying. Her voice was slowly getting steadier.
“Okay,” Tony said, already climbing back into his car.
“When I get there, we’re going to talk,” Pepper continued.
“Of course. I’ve already set something up with the team to discuss it,” Tony replied, while simultaneously texting Natasha to set it up. He told her that Pepper now knew and that she was coming over.
“I’ve got to go, I’ll be right over,” Pepper said, and he could hear her grabbing her car keys, and the slamming doors as she left her apartment.
Tony said goodbye and sped home as fast as he could through the traffic on the main roads.
+++
When he walked into the communal floor, he was met with the distraught face of Steve Rogers.
“What’s wrong?” Tony asked, instantly alarmed.
“Tony, I’m so sorry this happened, it must’ve been some kind of news drone,” Steve said sadly.
“What happened?” Tony said, fear filling him as he pushed past the captain towards the living room.
When he got there, all he saw was Clint hastily shut off the TV.
“What was on there?” Tony growled.
“Nothing good,” Natasha said.
“I want to see it, turn the TV back on,” Tony said. He felt panicked, what could be so bad that his teammates wouldn’t show it to him?
“No, Tony, you really don’t want to see this, trust us,” Steve pleaded.
“Jarvis, turn the TV on now, and show me what they had been watching,” Tony ordered.
“Yes sir,” the AI responded, though he sounded reluctant.
The TV flashed on, and Tony was immediately shocked to see clear footage of himself on the roof, obviously taken from the sky.
Tony’s first thought as he stared blankly at the screen is that the shot looked beautiful.
The neon lights from the advertisements all over the buildings around him lighted the sky, and the moving bustle of New York was even seen at the edge of the frame. His face was highlighted in colors, and the few stars actually visible in the lit sky were shining behind him.
The video had sound, Tony soon found, and when the clip showed him saying, “I just want to fly again Tasha,” it truly brought everything together.
So yes, Tony thought the tape documenting his almost suicide was beautiful.
But he also found it absolutely disgusting.
You could also see all of that beauty as something terrible. The neon ads showing the filthy greed of people, and the loud noise not comforting but jarring, as the police sirens wailed, and the cars all honked their horns in unison, the frustration each driver was feeling evident.
The colors painted across his skin were garish and showing off how pale he had become, and accentuating the dark under his eyes, and the unique amber in his bottle. The stars were like lights, shining onto Tony in his weakest moment, each spotlight trained on him as he waited to fall.
When he talked about flying, it sounded foreboding and ominous rather than light and poetic.
So when Tony fainted, he didn’t know if it was because he was so disgusted with himself or the feelings brought on by the beauty.
Really, it was just shock.
Steve caught Tony just as Pepper entered the room.