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CHAPTER 3
Bruce Banner was a light sleeper.
He had to be, honestly. He always had to be aware of his surroundings so he doesn't turn into the hulk from something stupid.
So when Tony’s breathing goes from soft and even to hard and fast, he notices.
“Tony?” Bruce said groggily. “R’you okay?” Still half asleep, he turned towards his friend, who looked the same as when he went to bed, except for his chest was now rising and falling quickly. Suddenly, Tony’s hand flew towards his arc reactor, clutching, seemingly trying to protect it. Bruce shook Tony’s good arm, trying to wake him.
“Please-” Tony muttered, sounding distressed. Bruce faltered. Tony was stuck in a nightmare. Why couldn't he wake up?
“Tony, wake up, it's just a dream,” Bruce said carefully. He didn't know what to do, and he started to panic.
Tony started gasping for air, then coughing. Bruce froze. “What is going on?” He thought.
Bruce grabbed his friend by the shoulders and shook him. He didn't know what else to do. When Tony didn't respond, Bruce knew he needed help.
“Jarvis?” He tried, but the power was still out. Bruce cursed loudly.
“What's going on in here?” Steve said, stumbling in.
“Tony’s having a flashback to New York. I don't know what to do!” Bruce replied frantically.
Steve seemed to snap awake at that, and made his way over to Tony. He looked at Bruce. “Let go of him,” he said. Bruce obeyed. Tony fell back and continued to shake and whisper pleas. Steve sat on the bed next to him, and then started to speak in a comforting voice that Bruce had never heard from the captain before. “Tony, you are safe, you are in your bed right now,” he whispered to Tony. Steve went to touch his arm, but pulled back when he saw Tony flinch at the contact. “You are in your Tower, and Bruce is here with you.”
Steve sat and talked softly to Tony. Suddenly, Tony’s eyes flew open, and he pushed himself into a sitting position, back slamming against the wall. Tony didn't seem to notice the pain at first, as he was focussed on slowing his breathing. He didn't even seem to notice the two men next to him.
“Tony?” Bruce asked hesitantly. Tony's head shot towards him, and he tensed. He relaxed when he saw it was Bruce.
“Yes sweetie?” Tony attempted to joke.
“Are you seriously making jokes right now?” Bruce asked.
“Yes,” Tony said.
“Tony, I was worried about you!” Bruce said. “You were obviously having a really bad nightmare, and I had no idea what to do! Thank God Steve was here, or-”
“Steve?” Tony asked worried, just noticing the other man.
“Hi,” Steve said.
Tony seemed to deflate. “I'm sorry to wake both of you,” Tony said, looking for his flashlight, which had fallen on the ground.
“It was no problem,” Steve said. Bruce, almost at the same time, said “Don't be sorry.”
Tony looked confused. “‘Don't be sorry?’ ‘It was no problem?’ No, I should be and it was. I can't just worry you guys like that. It was my fault. Bruce, I understand you probably want to go to your own room now,” Tony said.
“I'm not leaving you like this! No, I'm staying, and you are going to tell me how to help you with your nightmares,” Bruce answered.
“May I ask you something first Tony?” Steve asked. Tony nodded. “Why didn't you tell anyone before?”
Tony sucked in a breath. “I didn't want to burden any of you with it, I can usually wake myself. It was worse tonight because of the incident that happened before.”
“It wouldn't be a burden to help you,” Bruce said sadly. “So now, you're going to tell me how to.”
“And me too, because you need a backup for the future,” Steve added.
“No.” Tony said with an air of finality. “My problems are my own. I don't need you two to baby sit me all the fucking time, and I don't need all the pity that you're already giving me.”
“It's not pity Tony, it's concern. We're worried about you!” Bruce said. Steve stayed silent, watching the other two argue.
“I don’t need your concern either. I'm fine.” Tony crossed his arms, his breathing was finally under control.
“I don't care what you want, because you do need someone to have concern for you. So deal with it, and tell me how to help you, or I will have Jarvis tell me.” Bruce said, looking Tony in the eye.
“Jarvis won’t tell you anything, I’ve programmed him not to,” Tony said.
“Dammit Tony, why do you always ha-” Bruce started before Steve cut him off.
“You know Stark, you’re not the only one who’s had nightmares.” He paused before continuing. “After I was taken out of the ice, I was terrified. Every night I would wake up from thoughts of being trapped, and of how I was supposed to be dead. I shouldn’t have dealt with it alone, and neither should you.”
“Thanks for the sob story Cap, but I want both of you to go away,” Tony said. In reality, Tony was touched the story was shared with him, and he had an idea if his protests didn't work.
“No,” said Bruce. “And if you don’t tell me how to help you right now I will go get Clint and Natasha here.”
“How about this: Steve tells us how to help him, and then I’ll tell you how to deal with me,” Tony said, looking at both men.
Steve noticed Tony said “help” Steve and “deal with” Tony. Steve didn't know what to do with this information. “Deal,” he said.
Tony looked shocked, like he hadn't expected that to work. Well, Steve knew he needed help, and he figured that helping Tony at the same time was a good way to get it.
“When I'm having a nightmare, first you should figure out what it's about. It's almost always about when I'm being frozen and stuck in the ice. You can tell I'm dreaming this usually if I'm shivering. To help with it, either wake me up gently by soft words and touch, and warming me up once I'm awake, because I'll still feel the cold.
One nightmare I've had a lot too is how I'm so out of place. It'll sneak up on me after a day where I'm overwhelmed by new things. Usually I'm dreaming that the destruction of myself or those I care about is something I could've prevented if I knew more about the world around me. You can tell I'm having this dream usually if I'm crying. This one doesn't happen as often. Just wake me up and explain to me what I was confused about, or tell me how I could stop what I saw,” Steve paused. “I think that's it.”
Tony was shocked by the calm executed by the captain as he explained. “He's captain America for god’s sake,” Tony thought. “He's always calm.”
“But, as I said before, I've mostly dealt with it,” Steve said. “Now, Tony, it's your turn. Take your time, there's no rush.” Steve's voice was gentle. Reassuring. Tony hated it. He hated how they talked to him like he was made of glass.
“Um.. Okay,” Tony could barely think about talking about his nightmares. ‘This will be difficult.’ He thought.
“My nightmares are about the battle of New York, the part where I fly the missile into the wormhole,” Tony said in a slightly shaky voice. He didn't look to see the others reactions. “It starts where I grab it, and fly it up. I let it go, and then I drift. I'm surrounded by complete darkness, and I can't see anything. My suit powers off, so I don't even have Jarvis. I'm alone.” Tony takes a deep breath. “Space is cold. There's nothing there to keep me warm, and the cold gets through my armor as if there's nothing protecting me. The little air in the oxygen tanks I have is sharp when it enters my lungs, and it hurts to breathe. It's better than not breathing at all.
Which is what happens next.
I run out of oxygen quickly; I never expected I'd travel to space. My suit is only equipped for easier breathing while flying, not sustaining me completely. So I can't breathe at all. So it's just me, drifting, unable to move, to breathe or think and it hurts and I'm alone-” Tony cuts off. This is more than he wanted to say. He doesn't even notice the tears streaming down his face. All he can think about is the cold freezing his lungs and joints, making it impossible to move, and the suffocating darkness, and the feeling of being completely alone- Tony stops thinking. He just talks.
“Sometimes I regret going up there, fucking myself up so royally.” A little voice. In the back of his head told him to shut up, but Tony ignore it. “But then I think of all the people I saved, and I know I did the right thing, I know I'd do it again. But at the same time,” Tony is afraid to look at his friends, who probably hate him right now. “At the same time I wonder why. Not why I'd do it, I know that answer. I wonder why this is what I get for saving people. I saved a city and all I get is these memories. I know I've fucked up so much in my life-” Tony's thoughts drifted to the weapons he made, all the people he's hurt. “Christ, I probably deserve all of this. I just want to know how I can ever make up for everything so that it can stop. I just want it to stop…” Tony stopped talking. He had more to say, but he couldn't, not in front of the amazing Captain America and Bruce Banner. He remembered his dad telling him not to show weakness.
“I can't even listen to my father, the one everyone looks up to,” Tony thought.
Tony remembered the reason he talked about his nightmare now, and quickly talked about it.
“Anyway, when I'm having one of my nightmares, wake me up gently. Don't shake me around or dump water on me. Talking calmly works best,” Tony said quickly. “But sometimes, the best thing you can do is let me sleep through it, and let me take care of it.”
“Is there anything we need to do after for you?” Bruce asked, ignoring the rant Tony had. ‘We will talk about that later. Definitely.’
“Sometimes I’ll puke after,” Tony whispered.
“Okay. Tony, when the power is back, you have to tell Jarvis to notify either Bruce or myself when you are having a nightmare,” Steve said, also choosing to ignore the rant until a later time.
Tony would not let that happen. “I’m not going to ruin your night! I’ll get better, I swear. I- I can get medication to help me sleep and-”
“Tony, it’s not your fault,” Steve said.
“Yes it fucking is! I’m just weak, and I’ve tried to keep you away from it because…” Tony paused, not wanting to finish.
“Because why?” Steve asked gently, looking at Tony sadly. ‘How can such a great man think so little of himself.’
“Because my father told me to. If nothing else, I listened to my father speak, and I found he was right about plenty of things. One being that I can’t show any weakness. People, no matter how close they are to you, will always use it against you.” Tony laughed bitterly. “One day you will too, I know it. Yet I’m still being weak.”
“Tony, we won't betray you,” Bruce said sadly.
“That's what I thought about Stine,” Tony muttered. That broke Steve's heart.
“Tony, please,” Bruce said, his voice breaking. “Trust us.”
“I-” Tony began, but stopped when, all of a sudden, the lights flashed back on. “Oh my God! Yes!” Tony yelled. “Finally!” He was the only one not squinting in the room.
“The power’s back!” They all heard Clint yell through the house.
“I know! Isn't it great, I can see!” Tony yelled. “I can see, and it's glorious!” He had tears in his eyes. He had bared his soul to his friends, and he was drained. But now he could see, and it was like he was reenergized. “Jarvis! Are you back yet?”
“Yes sir, I am back online. Have no way of knowing what went on while I was out, and I would like a relaying of events for the record. Can someone please fill me in?”
Steve looked up at the ceiling. “Okay J, this may take awhile.” And then Steve told Jarvis about the whole night, the parts the whole team knew, and the parts only the three in the room did.
“Also, I'd like to input a new plan,” Tony said. “When I'm having a nightmare that is particularly bad, you have my permission to notify either Steve or Bruce, and only when it is a bad one. J, you've seen them all, so I'm telling you now only to notify them of a level 6 and up. Call it code Sunflower.”
“Yes Sir,” Jarvis replied. He sounded pleased. “And how about your panic attacks sir?”
“You have panic attacks?” Bruce asked.
“You literally witnessed one earlier this night,” Tony said.
“Yes Jarvis, please notify anyone if he is having a panic attack. And I mean anyone, at any time.” Steve said.
“J, let's start with just Bruce or Steve if I'm having a panic attack. Call it code Mango,” Tony said.
“Yes sir,” Jarvis said.
Tony sighed. “Dim the lights, but don't turn them all the way off, k? I'm going to try to sleep again.”
“I'm going to go back to my room, Bruce will stay here.” Steve said. He walked out.
Tony thought about the pills he threw in his lab. He hoped with their help, he wouldn't need either code. He was ready to get better, if only to make his friend’s lives easier.