“So, to summarize, Tony Stark has agreed that he will not pursue any action against Bucky as Bucky was not in his right mind when Bucky killed his parents, but he, Tony Stark, does not want to have any relationship with Bucky. He doesn’t want to talk about him, communicate with him or have to see him or, certainly, live with him. Is that right?” Dr. Bortich was trying to get the appointment on a useful track and make sense of what had so upset Steve that he had spent 15 minutes basically ranting.
“Yeah, Tony walks away whenever I try to talk to him about Buck.”
“He did say that he didn’t want to talk about Bucky, so walking away seems reasonable.”
“But Buck wasn’t responsible!”
“But according to what you said, Tony has acknowledged that Bucky cannot be held responsible?”
“Then why is Tony refusing to have anything to do with Bucky?”
Sometimes Dr. Bortich had the uncharitable thought that he was listening to a child, although the use of the diminutive, ‘Bucky’, might have something to do with that. “Well, Steve, I think Tony may not want to have a relationship with the person who killed his parents. And before you tell me that Bucky wasn’t responsible, I want you to remember how we discussed that he still did kill Tony Stark’s parents. Whether he can be held legally responsible for their deaths doesn’t mean he didn’t kill them and it doesn’t change the fact that they were brutally killed. But why were you trying to talk to Tony about Bucky in the first place?”
“Tony has this technology; he calls it BARF and it could help Bucky with his triggers. But Tony won’t talk to me about using it for Bucky!”
“BARF – I’ve never heard of any therapy called that.”
“Tony developed it and has the only one. He calls it a multi-million dollar toy. If it means that little to him, I don’t see why he won’t let Bucky use it.”
“So, this isn’t a tested therapy? It’s just something that Stark invented? Why do you think it would help Bucky if it’s never been tested or used by anyone other than its inventor?” There was a pause and Dr. Bortich realized that Steve didn’t really have an answer. “Steve, your faith in Tony Stark’s technology is touching, but he isn’t a psychiatrist and he has no training in the field. If no one with experience in treating trauma has evaluated the technology, it might just as well hurt Bucky as help him. Did you discuss this technology with Bucky’s doctors?” Steve’s silence was enough of an answer. “Steve, Tony was quite right to refuse you. It wouldn’t be ethical or moral to allow untested technology to be used on a traumatized person.”
This statement seemed to deflate Steve and he sat quietly for the first time since the session started. Dr. Bortich decided to seize the moment and lead Steve to focus on issues that the therapist was certain were at play in the current situation. “Steve, why are you trying to talk to Tony about Bucky if he has made it clear that he doesn’t want to talk about Bucky?”
“I needed to talk to him about the technology to help Bucky.”
“Steve, Tony had made it clear to you that he didn’t want to have anything to do with Bucky, Why are you continuing to pursue the subject with him?”
“But he could help; he just refuses to!” Dr. Bortich started to point out that Tony Stark had the right to refuse if he wanted to, but Steve barreled on, “There’s no reason for Tony not to help! He’s holding on to this thing with Bucky and it’s hurting the team.”
Dr. Bortich had been noting worrying behaviors on Steve’s part for a while and this session looked like the perfect time to discuss his observations; now, he just had to take control of the conversation. “Steve, why are you so set on Tony helping Bucky? You seem very angry that he has decided that he doesn’t want to and” he threw up a hand to prevent an interruption, “it is within his rights to decide if he wants to. You say you are angry because Tony is causing disruption to the team by setting these boundaries. Can you give me an example?”
“There’s a lot of tension. Everyone knows what Bucky is to me and when Tony refuses to discuss him, it just cascades to everything else.”
“Steve, I want you to think carefully over the tension that exists and then think about this question – is the tension caused by Tony or is the tension caused by your reaction to Tony? And I ask this because Tony isn’t actually doing anything; he is simply refusing to engage in discussions about a man who is currently on a different continent. It seems like it would only be obvious that Tony doesn’t want to talk about Bucky if you try and make him talk about Bucky, or complain that he won’t talk about Bucky. Can you think of when this has become a problem for the team and what the chain of events was?”
Steve thought back to yesterday morning when he had stormed into the gym and attacked the punching bag after another fruitless argument with Tony. Natasha and Clint had been working out together and he had told them the whole saga with Tony. But, had they ever brought it up before without him prompting them? Now, that Steve thought about it, Tony and he had never argued about Bucky in front of the team. “The rest of the team only knew about it because I said something about fighting with Tony. We’ve never actually had an argument about it where the team could hear.” It wasn’t a pleasant thought that he had been the one causing the problems with the team, but, after the ‘civil war’, Steve had been trying hard to be honest with himself.
“Then it would seem that your anger at Tony is the problem rather than Tony’s behavior. Whether you agree with him or not, Tony has every right to draw boundaries to protect himself, unless he’s injuring someone else. There’s another thing I have noticed; you seem to be holding Tony to a completely different standard than anyone else and then you become angry when he doesn’t meet that standard. There’s something going on here that is far more about you than Tony and we need to discuss it.””
“I am not! OK, maybe I’m angry. I just think he should help Bucky and stop holding everything against him.”
“OK – so, do you think that any of the other families of those killed by the Winter Soldier are obligated to help Bucky? If there’s a psychiatrist whose mother was killed, is he obligated to treat Bucky? If there’s a relation who is a mechanic, should she fix Bucky’s car?” Dr. Bortich made sure to keep his tone calm and questioning. He wanted Steve to think about the content of his question.
Steve had what the therapist had designated as his ‘I am disappointed in you’ look on, “No, of course not. That isn’t fair.”
“What’s not fair – having the other survivors help Bucky or my asking the question?”
“The other…” There was a moment when the therapist thought Steve was going to complete the answer, but he could see the realization of the implications crossing the super soldier’s face and Steve closed his mouth and then opened it again, “But those other people, they’re just ordinary people. Tony’s not like them and…”
Again the therapist interrupted (and he thought that he needed to stop doing that), “How is Tony different?”
“Because he says he’s a hero!” Steve yelled, having lost his temper completely.
“Steve, even a hero isn’t obligated to help everyone. You get to choose who you help – that’s the difference between you and say...a police officer. The police officer is obligated to help everyone - that is the definition of the job. Tony is a volunteer. Just like you, Steve.” The therapist allowed a pause for Steve to calm down and then continued when the soldier was listening again, “So you agree that you wouldn’t ask any of the other people affected by the Winter Soldier to help Bucky. So, let’s say that the situation involves someone else, like Wanda and she refuses to help Tony. Again, to be fair, in this scenario, we will have no guarantee that her assistance will make a difference. Wanda tells you that she doesn’t want to help; do you tell her she has to because she’s a hero?”
To give Steve his due, he was as stubborn with himself as with anyone else. The therapist watched him and could tell from his face that he was trying to be as honest as possible with himself. Finally, with his shoulders slumping, Steve answered, “No, I wouldn’t hold it against her and I wouldn’t put anyone else in the position that I am asking Tony to be in. Why do I get so angry with him?” And the last was an honest puzzled question.
“I have some thoughts on that, but let’s start with what you think is happening. Try and walk me through what happens when you are interacting with Tony.”
“Well, generally it starts with us having a calm conversation about something like team training. I try and wait for those moments. Then I bring up Bucky and he just closes himself off. I can see him mentally walking away and then he actually walks away and I get so mad!” he slowed himself and continued, “But…now that I’m laying it out, I don’t see why I get so mad. It doesn’t anger me when Vision refuses to get close to Wanda and that does affect everyone on the team. But Tony just sets me off and I don’t know why.” Steve looked at the therapist beseechingly.
“Well, I have some suggestions. I can make them and you could consider whether they seem to be a factor or not. How’s that?”
“Okay.”
“Well, let’s start with a rather obvious fact. Before Siberia, Tony offered to help Bucky and now he is not. So, that’s a change in his behavior. Obviously, some of what motivated that change was learning about the murder of his parents, but it is also possible that some of it stems from his anger at you.”
“You mean he’s punishing me by refusing to help Bucky?”
“No, I mean that he might no longer see you as someone who he would offer that level of help to. Remember when we talked about forgiveness and I said that sometimes being forgiven doesn’t mean that you get back the relationship you had? It’s possible that now Tony doesn’t think that you are enough of a friend that he should sacrifice his own comfort or well-being for what you want. That he thinks of you as more of a teammate for example. Since that is not what you wanted from your reconciliation, could that be a source of anger for you?”
Steve seemed unconvinced, but asked the therapist to continue.
“The second possible explanation is that Tony’s refusal and his reasons for it force you to confront something that you find very uncomfortable – the actions of the Winter Soldier. You know intellectually that Bucky spent 70 years as an assassin for Hydra,” holding up one hand, “an unwilling one, it is true. But, as we have discussed, that does not mitigate the effect of his actions on his victims or their loved ones. Moreover, if Bucky had not been an excellent assassin, Hydra would’ve killed him and you would not have him in your life now. That realization, that you have Bucky because other people suffered, must be very difficult for anyone with morals to deal with. As long as you don’t have to deal with any of the victims, you can ignore it. But Tony’s grief and anger, his refusal to help someone whose actions caused him so much harm, force you to face it and that can make you angry. I do want to emphasize here that if this is part of the reason you get angry at Tony, it only makes you human, not a bad person.” Steve just stared at him, but the fact that he didn’t object was a major step forward and the therapist decided to forge on.
“Finally, there is the most basic explanation. You are angry because Tony is denying you something that you want and that frustrates you. I actually think a combination of these three is what may be causing your anger. And I think you need to see past the anger to the emotions behind it. All of this anger is probably happening because your interactions with Tony are triggering uncomfortable emotions. So rather than dealing with those emotions, you get angry at Tony. And that is clearly not working for you, Tony or the team.”
“So, you’re saying that when I get angry at Tony, I’m avoiding something else? It doesn’t make a lot of sense.”
Dr. Bortich noticed that Steve did not deny any of the three causes of anger that the therapist had suggested and, with Steve, that was as good as agreement. “Well, when we don’t want to face something, anger is an easy go to emotion. It’s much less stressful to be angry than guilty for example. When Tony acts the way he does – refusing his help, he’s making it clear what you lost by your actions; that can bring up feelings of guilt and regret. Those are very uncomfortable emotions that force you to see yourself in a less than good light. Anger is easier and more familiar.”
Steve sat and thought for a while, watching the clouds drift by the office window. He knew that he was often emotionally obtuse, or at least he knew that now after therapy. He had instantly wanted to reject the things Dr. Bortich said about his anger, but he was aware that his discomfort probably arose from how close the therapist was to the truth. He also could acknowledge that he was not very happy about how petty some of the reasons presented were. But he could see why the therapist wanted to examine them and he admitted to himself that his anger and the actions he took because of it were hurting the team. This wasn’t the first time that they had discussed Steve’s tendency to default to righteous anger to avoid other, less attractive emotions.
“Why don’t we walk through each of the scenarios I’ve outlined? Let’s begin with the easiest, that your anger is arising from frustration at not getting what you want. What do you think underlies that?” Once again, the therapist prompted him to continue the conversation.
“If Tony doesn’t give me BARF, then there isn’t anything I can do for Bucky.” Steve answered immediately. Dr. Bortich looked at him in surprise and Steve went on, “I have been using the journal and trying to think through things alone. And I figured out that getting BARF from Tony means that I am actively helping Bucky. Right now, there’s nothing I can do. They don’t even want me there while they are working with him.”
“Steve, remember that the request that you not be there was from Bucky, not from his treatment team. And he did give permission for you to get updates.”
“I know, but I’m no good with nothing to do. Never have been and it makes me angry. But,” he sighed, “that isn’t fair to the team or Tony.”
“This is really good work. Let’s go on – what about the first idea? That your anger is partially about how Tony’s refusal means that your relationship is now fundamentally different than what it was before.”
This answer was slower to come and the therapist watched the wrinkle between Steve’s eyes get deeper as the silence stretched. “Tony never really said no to me before…everything. He fought me and suggested alternatives, but I can’t remember him just flatly saying, ‘No, I won’t do that for you.’ Clint once asked, before he knew what happened in Siberia, how I managed to fight someone who would give me his lungs if I needed to breathe…but now, he can easily refuse me something. I get angry and he walks away. You’re right, I know it’s my fault because I decided to lie and I…I hate it!” Suddenly his voice turned angry and dark, but his shoulders slumped. “I don’t see how this helps?”
“If you are getting angry to avoid these emotions, then recognizing them can reduce your anger. At the very least, you will stop attacking other people to avoid feeling emotions you don’t want to feel.”
“But I can’t do anything about what I did to Tony and how he’s reacting!”
“Sometimes you just have to sit with your discomfort. For example, there’s nothing you can do about the actions of the Winter Soldier and the misery those actions caused. But you can accept that the actions were terrible and that it makes you uncomfortable to realize that those actions were partially responsible for you having Bucky now. At least, if you are recognizing these emotions, you might not become angry in order to ignore them or be aware enough to stop your anger from taking a hurtful form. And that can only improve your relationship with Tony. I think we should stop here as we are slightly past your hour. For next time, I want you to use your journal to try and identify, when you are angry, if there is anything else you are feeling underneath the anger. And, Steve, do not talk to Tony about Bucky anymore. First of all, it is rude to keep pursing a conversation with someone when they have asked you to stop. Second, you will never have a good relationship with Tony if you can’t respect his stated wishes.”