Dysphoria
Peter felt numb. He had been crying so hard that now his eyes were dry and his head ached but most of all he felt so numb. Wade had given him a pair of sweats, a hoodie, and a pair of oversized shoes. The merc kept Peter tucked to his side as they made their way to the city, lifting up Peter's hood to keep him hidden from people's view. He didn't say anything, not wanting to hear his own voice.
Wade kept assuring him though. That things were going to be okay, they were going to get him his meds, thing's would go back to the way they were. But they wouldn't. Peter's top surgery was now undone, his body filled out, his voice changed, he could feel the rush of hormones in his system like a virus. It woud take weeks to get back to where he was. Months.
"We're here," Wade announced as they stepped up to the tower. "Do you think you can go inside?"
Peter nodded but he couldn't uncurl his hands from Wade's suit. The only two who had seen Peter pre-t were Tony and Bruce. He didn't know how anyone else was going to react. How they would look at him. He was shaking again trying took take in even breaths. Wade wordlessly walked him inside. They stepped up to the front desk where a man sat. "Could you get Bruce Banner please?"
The man didn't even get to respond when they were surrounded. Ironman had a blaster pointed at him, Widow had a gun drawn, Hawkeye had his bow aimed and ready, Captain America had his shield up. He was the first to approach them. "Deadpool. What have you done to Spiderman?"
"Before you start throwing assumptions around how about you ask what happened," Wade snapped squeezing Peter closer to him. "Weapon X had us both in a facility outside the city. We escaped a couple hours ago. Is Bruce Banner here?"
They all glanced at each other. Bruce Banner himself stepped up around the desk clearing his throat. Relief flooded Peter at the sight of the doctor. "Everything okay P-Spiderman?" Once the doctor was close enough Peter peeled himself away from Wade to the doctor. He felt the tears start again as he buried his face into Bruce's chest.
"Hey," Tony shouted.
"Take care of him," Wade yelled as he ran out the door. Peter was greatful he walked him this far.
"Are you okay Peter," Bruce asked quietly.
"Lab," he murmured pulling away from the doctor. He nodded and led the younger man to the elevator asking everyone to give them a minute.
"Good evening Dr. Banner, Mr. Parker." Peter began sobbing again. Bruce kept an arm around his shoulders as they got to the lab.
"Do you want to get in the scanner?" Peter shook his head rapidly. "Are you hurt?" He hesitated, he wasn't but it didn't feel like it. The smaller man removed his mask turning blood shot eyes to Bruce. The doctor's face fell as he stared at him. "You healed?" Peter nodded not wanting to speak. "Everything?" His eyes began to water as he nodded again. "I'll get your T shot."
Peter sat at on an empty stool staring down at his mask. At least Wade's baggy clothes hid his shape. When Bruce came back he had the blood test kit with him. Peter agreed to let him take samples to be sure he wasn't injected with anything dangerous before he got his shot. When they were sure he was clean Peter injected the shot himself into his thigh. The process worked at easing his nerves. Bruce assured him that after his hormones balanced out again they could redo his top surgery.
Peter pulled his mask on when they went up to the penthouse. Everyone was waiting inside. "Peter," Tony asked standing up from the couch.
"He's okay," Bruce announced. "Just needs some food and rest."
"We were worried," Steve said walking up to him carefully. "SHIELD agents went to the car accident." "Sorry," he whispered wrapping his arms over his chest
"Get some rest. We can talk in the morning," the Captain said patting Peter's shoulder. The younger nodded and walked to his room in a daze. He tried to call aunt May but her phone must of still been in Weapon X facility. Wade was the one to send a text saying he found the prisoners including May. She was okay and Wade would be sure she got home. That was enough to call him down and focus on something else.
He set the sweater on the desk and began to peel off the borrowed clothes. He didn't want to undress but he had to take a shower. He avoided looking in the mirror as he went to the glass stall. The water had adjusted itself to a softer setting that relaxed his muscles. He avoided looking anywhere but the soap bottles. He just wanted to clean away the filth from the last few weeks.
After the shower he made his way to the linen closet for a towel. Pausing halfway when he caught his reflection in the mirror. It was a completely different person. One he knew well but didn't want to remember. The shape he had worked hard to maintain was gone. He was never especially curvy but it was a shape that wasn't male. His hips were almost wider, shoulders brought in, face rounded. He was reliving a nightmare.
Or worse. Because he had done it. He had made himself a man and it was all undone in just a few weeks. The reality of it hurt him more then staring in the mirror. He could never truly leave this skin. He could never get away from this. It was who he 'really was'. This flesh cage held him tighty.
He forced himself away from the reflective glass, drying off quickly as he stomped into his room. He threw open the closet door, pulling open the drawer of the dresser inside. He tugged his boxers on, shoving the packer into place. He knew he shouldn't but he pulled his binder on too. When he saw himself in the full length mirror on the closet door he cried. It felt like a costume. A ruse he created to make the world see him as who he was. To make himself see.
He slammed the doors shut. Ignoring the sound of glass shattering as it hit the open drawer. He looked through the other side at the hanging shirts and sweaters but nothing he found worked. They were all too tight. Clothes that took him years to talk himself into. He didn't want them anymore. He wanted the old baggy clothes that used to fill his closet and drawers. The confidence he worked so hard to achive was gone. He didn't want to be strong. He didn't want to be confident.
He wanted to hide. From everything, everyone, even himself.
-----
There was a knock at the door around nine in the morning. Peter didn't answer it. He asked Jarvis to keep the door locked at all times. He hadn't gotten out of bed. He wasn't planning to.
At eleven there was more knocking. He brought his pillow over his head. Jarvis asked the person for some time. The AI then informed Peter there was food waiting outside.
Near eleven thirty his personal phone went off. Peter saw that it was Wade but couldn't bring himself to answer. Not when his voice was like this. He got a few text messages letting him know that aunt May was home safe. He gave her a tracfone and sent Peter the number. It took him a while but Peter managed to call her. She was worried about him even after everything she'd been through. He lied and said he was fine.
Around one thirty there was another knock. It was quiter then the rest. Peter ignored that too, sat in front of the window staring at the city skyline curled up in Wade's hoodie. It was big enough to cover him like a cloak. He was greatful the merc had let him barrow it.
Three o'clock, someone had asked Jarvis to tell Peter there was food outside his door. No one would be there to disturb him. He didn't go to get it anyways.
Four thirty, more knocking. It sounded like Tony talking through the door asking that he at least eat something. They didn't have to talk about it yet. Peter pulled the comforter over his head.
There was ringing at seven. It wasn't from Peter's phone it was from the company phone. Peter went to his desk looking at the number. It was Wade. He stared at it until it stopped, pulling the hood lower on his face.
Peter slept at odd hours that night. He couldn't bring himself to close his eyes. He kept seeing that place. Those eyes looking over him to inspect his healing. How he wanted to claw his way out of his skin. He asked Jarvis who was up around two am. Jarvis assured him everyone was asleep at the time. Peter opened his door to find containers of food waiting. He brought them in, along with the water bottle. He watched late night TV as he ate the cold leftovers.
The next few days played out like this. Maybe not exactly the same but similar. Wade had called a few more times too. Spiderman and Peter. He tried to send a few messeges from his personal phone to keep up the image but it was hard. They're conversations went dry. He had felt bad about it but couldn't will himself to try harder. Instead he told the merc he had been busy with work.
About a week and a half later Peter finally decided to stop hiding. If he was able to pull through this before he had medication and people to support him then he could sure as hell do it now. He showered, dressed in a pair of jeans and Wade's hoodie. He wore a pair of spider themed socks and kept his hood low on his face. It was easy to do since it was so big. He chose a time when he knew most of the others would be in the penthouse. If he could talk to everyone together that saved him from having to repeat it.
Tony, Steve, Clint, Natasha, and Bruce were seated in or around the kitchen eating breakfast. Tony stood up when he noticed Peter walking in. The younger man swallowed forcing himself to keep moving to the stool at the island of the table. "Can I get a coffee," he asked quietly. Voice brought to a low awkward pitch.
Bruce was the first to react, getting a mug from the cabnet. Everyone seemed frozen in place. As if they any movement would scare him off. His hood was too low to see the other's faces. He was glad. That meant they couldn't see his. "Are you gonna start asking questions or..." he trailed off as he took the mug from Bruce.
"What happened," Tony asked.
"Deadpool and I were headed out of the city when a car drove into us. It came out from the other lane and hit Deadpool's side. I blacked out for a while. When I woke up I was inside the Weapon X facility."
"Did they tell you what they wanted?"
"They were looking for a way to create a better serum then the one we have. One that would stop someone's healing factor completely. They were working on a few prototypes. They wanted to wait for my blood to be clean to test for other theories. Deadpool helped me escape befor they could." Peter pulled at the sleeve of the hoodie keeping his eyes low.
"Do you know any names?"
Peter shook his head, "there were a few but they didn't use their real names."
"Are you okay," Clint asked.
Peter swallowed pulling his hands into his sleeves, "I'll be okay." A plate of eggs and ham was set in front of him, he glance up at Natasha who nodded to it.
"You're going to need to get your strength back if you want to beat them."
He looked back down to his food then nodded. "Have you talked to Deadpool," Tony asked taking a seat next to him.
"Not yet."
"You should. He's been calling me non stop. I don't even know how he got my number." Peter felt guilty again. He had made everyone worry. The least he could have done was tell them he was okay. Or that he was trying.
"I'll call him."
"Eat first," Tony said. The rest moved to the island so that they could finish breakfast together. It helped Peter a bit. He was tense but having people who understood him around made it easier. Afterwards Peter went to his room for the company phone. He sat in front of the window, staring at the number for a while before calling. Wade answered right away.
"Spidey!"
Peter huffed, a small smile on his lips. "Hi Deadpool. Sorry I didn't call sooner."
"It's cool I get it. How are you?"
"I'll be fine," he murmured. "You?"
"Nothing I haven't been through before," Wade said softly. "I uh, went back to check on things."
Peter sighed, "You blew up the place didn't you?"
"Nobody was inside! I just had to make sure all the evidence was destroyed."
The hero chuckled glancing at his desk, "I still have the clothes you let me. Want to meet up so I can give them to you?"
"Sure, where should we meet?" Peter stared out at the city rubbing at his cheek.
"The diner."
-----
They decided to meet at a later time, when the place would be more or less empty. Peter still hadn't worked up the nerve to put the suit back on so he was dressed in what he was earlier. With his mask on and a red beenie. Sarah had brought him a coffee and asked how he had been. People were worried their viguilaty was missing. He just said there was some coplicated things going on and he apologized for making her worry.
Wade walked in just a few seconds later, immediately going to the place Peter occupied in the corner. "So I'm not getting that back anytime soon," he chuckled gesturing to the hoodie.
Peter gripped the sleeves, "can I hang onto it? For just a while longer." Tony had installed a voice changer into the mask but Peter still couldn't get himself to speak above a low murmur.
"Sure, I've got lots more," the merc shrugged lifting up his mask to his nose as he eyed the menu.
"Here," Peter set the borrowed clothes on the table.
"Thanks Spidey," he took them back with a grin. Peter stared at that girn feeling a sense of relief. He had missed Wade. He missed laughing with him. He wanted to rip the mask from his face and tell him everything. Tell him he was sorry. Tell him he was grateful the man was so accepting. Most of all he wanted those scarred lips against his. He wanted Wade to make him feel like things were going to be okay.
"What can I get you guys," Sarah asked snapping Peter from his daze.
"The buttermilk pancakes, and can you put the strawberries how I like?" She nodded writing it down before looking to Spiderman.
"The same," he murmured. He wasn't feeling hungry but he hadn't had anything since breakfast. He'd unintentionally locked himself back into his room after talking to everyone. Mostly to catch up on homework. Tony had talked to the school for him and his professor's were more then forgiving. Probably something to do with the fact it was Tony Stark who spoke with them.
Sarah told them it'd be right out. Wade thanked her as he tucked the clothes in a duffle bag. He then turned to Peter starting an animated story about his latest mission grin still visible under the mask. Peter listened to his with a fond smile. He decided this was enough for now. That even if he could hold onto the man like he wanted seeing him smile was enough.