Draumr

The others had tried talking to him about it. Fury had dug for information, but Tony had just told them all that he went in with the missile and blacked out before he could even register where he was. He didn’t tell them about the cold that had seized him upon entry, nor the giant alien ship floating towards him. He didn’t tell them about the feeling of weightlessness and loss, or the aching pain in his chest when his last phone call was declined, thought that might have been the feeling of his lungs constricting for air. The way JARVIS’ soft voice glitched as he said the words “I am sorry, sir…”

Tony could remember the way his throat felt like bricks were on top of it as he replied, “S’okay Jarvis. Not your fault”. The pause before he added a barely audible “Goodbye, J”. 

He hadn’t heard JARVIS’ reply, if there was one at all that is, before the lack of air finally forced him into unconsciousness. It felt worse than drowning…

Then he’d woken up to an enraged roar from the Hulk. His vision was speckled with white grains as his lungs seemingly got a life for their own, taking in as much air as possible without pause. It had felt like minutes passed (though he’d later learned it was only a few seconds) as all he could do was repeat a silent mantra of “I’m alive” over and over in his head. Like he had to force himself to believe it.

Tony looked down at his hands. He had to tighten them into fists to make them stop shaking like leaves. His emotions were running wild inside him. Anger and loss and fear were all fighting each other inside him to get the top spot. Yet every time he tried to reach for one of them, all he could feel was emptiness. A painful black hole inside his chest that refused to be filled. He had tried his best to hide it from the other Avengers, but he doubted he could hide anything from Natasha bloody Romanof.

“What the hell did I do to deserve this?” He sighed, if only to get the question off his chest.

“Well, you did spend a majority of your life making weapons that killed a bunch of people while you used the money you earned to party like an animal” Tony chuckled at his own self-lecture. Talking to himself wasn’t something he worried about, at least not anymore. A habit he’d had his whole life that increased while wandering the desert all alone after committing mass-homicide.

“Yeah… but the parties were fun!” The defence was only half-hearted and ended with his face buried in his hands as he leant against the balcony of the tower. He didn’t cry. Starks do not cry, first lesson his father ever taught him. An aching lump taking shape in his throat.

“God, I am such a mess” He told himself, voice muffled by his hands. His chest felt suddenly too tight over his lungs, the terrible feeling of emptiness filling him once again. Tony gritted his teeth, refusing to let his body succumb to panic.

He didn’t know how long he ended up standing there, just staring down at his hands. Every now and then a cold breeze would brush past him. His spine would shiver, but he would never move. The city that never sleeps was a good name, Tony thought while he listened to the angry honking of impatient taxi drivers. After the attack nine months ago, New York was still in chaos. Buildings were being rebuilt or torn down with promises of building something new and better in its place. A lot of schools were still shut down and traffic was unpredictable (thought that wasn’t much of a change in Tony’s opinion).

He sighed, casting an accusing glance towards the sky before going to look down at his hands again. However, he never got back to his hands, as his neck froze mid motion when he looked up at the star sprinkled darkness above him. Something was… moving? What at first looked like a strange green star was darting across the sky, leaving a long and elegant tail in its wake as it moved. It took Tony a couple of seconds to understand that it was definitely not a shooting star. Could it be some sort of UFO? Another invasion? Tony backed up a bit, if only to get a better over-look. He forced his heartbeat to calm at the thought of another invasion. A panic attack would be absolutely unacceptable.

He was just wondering if the star-like light was growing when it hit him- literally.

Tony was thrown back by the sheer force of the light slamming into his chest at full speed. The back of his skull slammed painfully into the gravelled floor, and Tony didn’t even want to think about what the suspicious crack from his back could be. As it turned out, he didn’t have to think about it as whatever hit him seeped into his chest. Ice spread through his body in waves while everything became numb. When he tried to move his arms, he might as well have tried to lift the Hulk. His body was completely immobilized and- oh God! He could feel it moving inside his chest like a cold worm wiggling in his flesh. It curled around his arc reactor, poking and prodding at it. Then it… melted? Tony couldn’t describe it. What had felt like a solid force slithering around inside his rib cage evaporated, but he could still feel it, spreading through his body like someone had dunked him in water. It covered him, merged itself into his cells. Tony was panicking. The thing was consuming him! Oh god- he was dying!

Energy crackled in his skin, spreading through his body like the blood in his veins. The world was spinning out of control before Tony’s very eyes. Stars became strange lines in the sky, the ground beneath him rumbled and the wind- no the universe, filled with music.

Tony could feel the energetic force spreading throughout his brain, which didn’t make much sense, he told himself. The brain doesn’t have nerves, it can’t feel anything so why…

He never got to finish that through before the world welt black around him.

The stars were small speckles of light in the distance, too far away for him to recognize. He was floating through endless space, which was funny because there wasn’t supposed to be any gravity in the middle of space. Yet the sensation of falling clawed at his body, pulling him down further. He didn’t want that… didn’t want to be pulled down.

Tony didn’t know how he got here. His brain couldn’t make sense of what was happening. It felt like he’d been here forever. Just floating endlessly through space.

Shouldn’t he be dead? He wasn’t wearing his armour, nor any other equipment for space travel. Yet here he was, not breathing but existing. Such a strange sensation, and wonderful, if it hadn’t been for the complete apathy.

Wrong

-Wrong!

-Wrong!

He wasn’t supposed to be here, he knew that. But there was nothing he could do. Not a thing he could try to get out. This wasn’t Afghanistan. A cave where he could build and kill his way out to freedom. This was suffocation, loss and death.

For what felt like hours he just drifted through the darkness. He wondered if his friends knew where he was -you have no friends- and if they worried about him -why would anyone worry about you-. Tony liked to think they did. It made him feel like he belonged -you don’t- somewhere other than at the bottom of a bottle.

Not that it mattered now. He was lost in space for reasons unknown. He couldn’t even remember getting into space. Yet despite this, he felt surprisingly calm. At the back of his mind he wanted to panic, to thrash and scream, but he just couldn’t bother.

“Tony” Tony twitched. It felt like someone had just grabbed his shoulder. The ghost of a touch lingering on his skin. Confused, he looked over his shoulder. Nothing but empty space and distant stars.

“Tony!” Again, he could have sworn someone just called his name. It sounded awfully familiar, but he just couldn’t grasp it.

“Tony! Wake up!”

Tony bolted awake, letting out the scream he never got to utter before he fell unconscious. He was covered in cold sweat, his eyes wide as the stars and nebulas and darkness still lingered in his mind. His heart felt like it was lodged in his throat. Tony blinked, desperately trying to clear his vision of stars. He didn’t even notice Steve sitting next to him, looking more worried than he had since the invasion.

“Tony, you okay?” Steve asked, placing a comforting hand on Tony’s back. The engineer pulled away as if he’d been burnt, but his eyes finally cleared. He ignored the slightly hurt expression on the super soldier’s face.

“Steve?” Tony asked, voice hoarse from screaming. He coughed, trying to fix the vocal error before asking: “What happened?”

“JARVIS set off my alarm. Said something about you being on the roof and your vitals dropping. Tony, what happened to you?” Steve replied dutifully, his blue eyes gleaming with worry.

“I…” Tony hesitated for a second, thinking back to what had happened. He couldn’t remember much. Actually, he couldn’t remember anything... Something about the sky not being right? “I don’t know”

Steve’s face took on an emotion Tony couldn’t quite interpret.

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

Tony thought. He remembered walking out into the chilly night air, the smell of New York in reproduction assaulting his senses. The conversation he’d had with himself stood out clear in his mind. That’s where things began blur out of focus. Definitely something about the sky, but what?

A strange tingling rushed up his spine, making him shiver at the strangely pleasant feeling. Like a drink of ice cold water on a hot day. The taste of peppermint and chocolate coated his tongue. He closed his eyes, allowing the world to drift off for a second and just enjoy the feeling of a cold, yet pleasant hand on his back. His skin prickled comfortably.

“I remember walking up the stairs and looking out on the city” Tony replied, opening his eyes to look at Steve. “Then everything just sort of… turns to mush” He made a face. No need to worry the other man with him talking to himself. The soldier nodded slowly, biting his lower lip. He had “worried, overprotective parent” practically written across his forehead. The thought made Tony grit his teeth, though he didn’t know why. Stupid war-lusty oaf, pretending he cares. He blinked, trying to catch that last though. Like a worm, it slipped out between his fingers, disappearing. Tony shook his head to try and clear it, only to have the room momentarily spin out of focus.

“Come on, I think it’s best if we let Bruce have a look at you” Steve said, standing from his crouching position next to Tony. He reached down his hand, which Tony ignored completely, forcing his wobbly legs to suck it and take it like a man.

“Not that kind of doctor” Tony said absently. Though he agreed with Steve, he wouldn’t admit it even if his life depended on it. But the soldier was right, with the short-term memory loss and the fact that he literally fainted on top of the roof, it was only logical to see some sort of doctor. Yet the thought of walking all the way down to Bruce’s lab felt unwelcome, especially when his bedroom and bed were just one floor down. He brushed dust off his trousers, frowning. These trousers were brand new too.

“Listen, I think I’m just gonna go to bed. Get some rest, ya know? I probably just collapsed from lack of sleep anyway” The lie slipped past his lips before he could bite his tongue. Not sounding nearly as convincing as it should, but it seemed to do the trick. Steve’s face softened sympathetically. Tony bit back a smile. It was the small victories in life that counted, right?

“Alright. Just… go see Bruce tomorrow, okay?” The I’m worried about you went unspoken, but Tony could practically taste the words polluting the air around him. He straightened his back, or at least tried. His body felt heavy, rendering his movements sloppy. Yeah, sleep was definitely a good idea. Bruce wasn’t the only doctor in the tower. How many doctorates did he have again? More than Bruce, that he was sure of. With a small salute in the soldier’s direction, he turned to walk down the corridor to his private elevator.

The inventor forced his wobbly legs to carry him all the way to the elevator at the end of the corridor. Why had he made the corridor to the common area so damn long?! Embarrassment flushed his cheeks when he had to lean against the wall for support. The entire world seemed to be spinning uncomfortably as a wave of nausea and dizziness washed over him. Steve politely offered his help, which Tony not so politely declined. He finally reached the elevator, giving a reassuring smile and wave to the soldier still staring at him worriedly. The moment the door shut, he collapsed against the wall to catch his breath. That small walk alone felt like it had drained his entire body of energy.

“Sir. I do believe you should follow Mr. Roger’s advice to see Dr. Banner” JARVIS’ voice rang out through the elevator speakers. Tony grunted, letting his head lean against the cool metal wall as he willed the world to stop spinning. Maybe JARVIS was right…

“Bed, J. Now” He commanded instead. Instantly, the elevator started moving downwards, which didn’t help the nauseous feeling at all.

“I have sent DUM-E to your assistance sir” JARVIS said just as the elevator came to a silent halt. The doors dinged, opening up to reveal a curious looking DUM-E wheeling towards him at top speed (which really wasn’t all that fast). Had any of his fellow Avengers been there, Tony would have refused the help. But right now, alone as he was minus DUM-E and the ever-present JARVIS, he allowed himself to lean heavily against the metal body.

It wasn’t a far trip to his bedroom, by all means. Yet at that moment Tony wished he’d built the elevator right next to the bed instead of through his living room and bar, down a small corridor, passed the bathroom and finally through a heavy door. He couldn’t explain it, but it felt like his energy was draining with every breath he took. Maybe he really should go see Bruce or at least call the doctor to get his giant green ass up here, he thought. The idea however, was declined when he finally spotted the soft bed that was just oh-so tempting. He could already feel sleep start to settle in, relying more and more on DUM-E’s support. Finally, he made it to the bed, collapsing into the mattress. He was asleep before his head hit the pillow.