A Legend Unfolds

“Episode two is ready to go,” Darcy’s voice filled the room

“[creatures chittering]

[Krieg] Look sharp, son. We're in for one hell of a battle.

General Krieg, is it true the Shale Steps fell?

People looked down at the reminder.

“Aye. And the monster is still unknown. But you are the Arms of Emon, entrusted by Sovereign Uriel with the safety of the realm. We don't need to know the enemy, we only need know ourselves.”

“He's good at giving speeches,” Vex nodded at his charisma

“Our training, our devotion to this land. No matter the danger, victory is ours if we fight with honor and raise our swords on high.”

You heard the General. For Emon.

- As one!

- [all] As one!

[scoffs] What a load of sh*te.”

Scanlan snorted and Uriel sighed.

“Best finish making camp.

A storm's blowing through tonight.”

“Ummm, didn’t the fisherman say they thought it was a storm before the attack,” Keyleth interjected nervously.

“Oh, no,” Shaun looked down as many started to mourn the soldiers they were about to see die. 

“[bird calls out in distance]

[gasps]

[man] Is that…”

“Is what?” Grog asked confused

“The dragon buddy,” Pike answered

“Oh, right. We’ll kill that right?”

“Sure hope so buddy,”

“[captain] Eyes up. We've got incoming.

[snarls]

Stand your ground. Archers, make ready.

- Let loose!

- [man] fire!

[screaming]

Ready the catapult! Release!

[cheering]”

“It can’t be that easy,” Vax leaned forward

“- Yeah!

- Yeah!

[whooping]

[snarling]

[screaming]

[whimpering]”

Uriel and Salda once again covered their children's eyes. Wincing at the bloodbath in front of them.

“f*ck honor.”

Uriel huffed a little at his soldiers abandoning their post.

“[panting]

[screaming]

[roaring]”

“What a lovely start,” Kaylie put in sarcastically. 

“♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

[Uriel] And you saw it? What did this?

- [Krieg] The beast is a blue dragon, sire. Only a few of us managed to escape.”

“How did he? Now that I think about it?” Kima asked

“My G*ds.

Allura, you've dealt with such creatures in the past. How do we fight it?

Oh, that was a red dragon, years ago.”

“You killed a dragon?” Cassandra turned towards Allura

“Trapped it actually,” there was a new respect for in many eyes.

“Not alone though,” Kima smiles cheekily.

“But to my experience, dragons are fiercely intelligent, calculating creatures. Their machinations run deep.

[door opens]

Ah, Sir Fince finally joins us.”

“I don’t like him, he gives me the creeps,” Grog scowled.

“Could he be the dragon?” Keyleth wondered aloud

“It's either Fince or Krieg. Fince frankly looks like an old lizard and Krieg has had suspiciously good luck,” Percy analyzed. Kima snorted at the old lizard part.

“I agree with Percy on that,” Vex added in

“I hope this crisis hasn't kept you from your skulking.

I've been gathering intelligence we sorely lack. Seems your band of fools have gone missing. Safe to say you've sent Vox Machina to their doom?

Doom? We don't know the meaning of the word.

Uh, I certainly don't.”

“Bad, in this case dead,” Percy instructed Grog.

“Sovereign, hold on to your g*dd*mn crown.”

Uriel looks at Vox Machina rather done.

“We've discovered that the monster is none other than a blue dragon!

[all] We know.

Did you kill it?

I wouldn't say "kill," really. We're still kind of working on that part.”

“Yes we need a plan,” Percy put in

“If you suggest one of your complicated traps Percy I swear I’ll steal all your bullets before we go fight the dragon,” Vax threatened

“Maybe I could serenade it to sleep and then we kill it,” Scanlan offered

“So what traps did you have in mind?” Vax turned back to Percy

“Well…”

“Interrupting this train of thought because we don’t have infinite time for Percy to explain whatever trap he's planning on, let's move on,” Darcy cut off whatever contraption was on Percy’s brain. 

“Thank you,” Grog looked upwards trying to find Darcy only to see the ceiling. 

“[laughs] I can't believe you made it out alive.”

“Neither can I,” Keyleth shook her head.

“How did you survive?

Mm, trade secrets, I'm afraid, Kriegy.

We hid and it flew away.

[laughs] Wait.

- How did we survive that?

- [grunts]

- [high-pitched ringing]”

“The dragons here,” Scanlan whispered loudly

“- [Fince] These blabbering fools are useless, sire. Perhaps if we made an offering to the dragon. Gold in exchange for peace?”

“Hes suspicious,” Illya whispered to her brother

“Totally we should prank him,” Gren whispered back

“I’m in,” Odessa leaned between the two

“No,” Salda offered nothing else to her children's grumbling.

“Why don't we shake its hand and offer it a f*cking pint while we're at it?

A dragon cannot be bartered with. If it desires Emon's destruction, it will not relent.

You heard her, sire. You know what must be done.

But what if it attacks the city? We'd be sitting ducks.

What would you have me do? Let it burn more farmland, slaughter more innocents? No. We will bring the fight to it on our terms. General, you may move our soldiers at dawn.

But sire, you know as…”

“This is a bad plan,” Kima grimaced

“The blood of my people shall not be spilled needlessly,” Uriel glared at Kima

“I have made my decision, Lady Kima. This council is adjourned.

[guard] All right, you heard him. Clear out.

[Pike] Hey, hey, hands off. I'm leaving. Geez.

Uh, don't kill it before we do.

Y-Your offer's still on the table, right?

[guard ] Yes, you are… Oh, yes, you... Oh.

[low groan]

I felt it again, that same feeling I had around the dragon.

[low grunt]

There must be a connection.

One of them is working with that f*ck.”

“Or is the dragon remember the footsteps from last episode,” Cassandra pointed out.

“Uh-huh. Uh-huh, yeah. I bet… I bet it's Allura.”

“Of course it you,” Scanlan accused a very confused Allura

“Why?”

“I never trust anyone prettier than me.”

“Thats why,” que the round of exasperated sighs. 

“Uh-huh, uh-huh. I knew it.

- No, you dipshits. Fince. The creepy one. Looked like a withered piece of scrap leather?

Oh. [chuckles] I didn't catch anybody's name. So, what do we do next?

Vax and Pike go to Gilmore's. Buy us a weapon that can kill a dragon.”

“Oh you immediately thought of me,” Gilmore grinned at the group

“Uh, with what? We're flat f*cking broke.

Please, with the way that man dotes on you, I'm sure you can work something out.”

Vax blushed and glanced at Gilmore, “Now Vax I hope are friendships more than just manipulation,” he said like a joke but Vax has known Gilmore long enough to know that he's both hurt and curious. Vex looked down a little guilty.

“Of course not Shuan. You're my friend, you know that right?” Gilmore smiled as he's known Vax long enough to see the absolute sincerity.

“The rest of us will split up and search for Fince. If you find him, don't let him out of your sight.

That sounds like a plan.

But, uh, you're not the only one with ideas, Vex.

Is that so? Please Scanlan, tell me yours.”

“I’m sure it's brilliant,” Scanlan smiled

“- [growls]

- [yelps] Uh, I'll tell you when I have one.”

“Truly a work of art,” Vex responded to Scanlan.

“[man] You have entered a realm of mystery, of magic, of marvel. Welcome to Gilmore's Glorious Goods! Enchanted curials and magical artifacts at discounted prices. I take gold, silver, platinum... [gasps] Why, if it isn't the mysterious Vax'ildan? [laughs]”

“It's always a pleasure when you enter my shop,”

“Oh, I was hoping you would swing back through again.

[laughs]

Glad to see you've lost none of your charm, Gilmore.

[laughs] Oh, listen to you. Don't. Stop. I can't take it.

- I've missed your visits.

- [Pike clears throat]

- Hi.”

“Sorry its just awkward being between the two of you,” Pike shifted a little

“Don’t worry about it Pickle,” Vax smiled at the gnome

“- So, are you here on business or pleasure?

Uh, business, I'm afraid. We need information on blue dragons.

Hmm?

Particularly, how to kill them.

Well, for , gold, I'll sell you this handy-dandy magic Lance of Dragon Slaying. A fantastic bargain.

[chuckles] We can't presently afford such a weapon, but perhaps some advice for a tiny fee?

Hopefully what you're offering isn't too tiny.”

“That everything you have isn’t it,” Gilmore grimaced a little 

“I-I suppose size isn't everything.

We need to know if blue dragons have any weaknesses.

Weaknesses, eh? Well, to start, they're egomaniacs. They hate being insulted and have tremendous vanity. [chuckles] Not that I can relate.

- [both chuckle]

- Hi. Still here.”

“Again awkward,”

“Is there any way to stop them?

Honestly, there's no simple way to kill a dragon. Even in tomes of old, legends of their destruction are largely poetic drivel.

- [Pike coughs]”

“Come on, is it so hard not to flirt,” Pike complained. Gilmore and Vax shared a glance and smiled.

“- Ah.

"The Wyrm shall only find defeat in the gorge where the twin rivers meet." See? Cute, but… Useless. While dragon anatomy is a topic for many a scholar, anyone close enough to find out seems to get themselves

- snapped up.

- [grunts]

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but you get what you pay for.

Gilmore, this is all very helpful. Even the bullsh*t. If we survive this… [chuckles] ...I owe you dinner.

You owe me more than that, my handsome half-elf.

[Pike] All right, you two, foreplay's over. We should probably go find our friends.”

“Thank goodness that's over, not that I didn’t appreciate the help.” Pike sighed relieved

“[sighs]

So, um,what were we supposed to be doing, again? I don't know, searching for Fince or something.

- G*d, this is boring.

- [women giggling]

[gasps] Hold up.

You know where that creepy little taint-raisin would be? The brothel. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we can investigate there for hours if we need to.”

Vox Machina fondly rolled their eyes. Kaylie glared at her birth father though.

“Yeah, but, won't Vex be kind of p*ssed if we ain't doing what she said to?”

“I would,” Vex gave Scanlan a look

“I don't give a wet fart what she thinks. Clearly, I'm the brains of this operation.”

“Are you now,” Vex voice hard

“Really? 'Cause she told me you have "d*ck for brains," which doesn't seem possible.

[groans] You know what, screw Vex and her stupid feather head. I'm going to the brothel.

[gasps]

[stammers]

[gulping]

[Scanlan] It's that thin-lipped crypt keeper.

- Come on.

- [belches]

[Grog] Hey, can you see him from up there?

[shushes] That way. Across the street. He's sneaking up to that fancy manor.

- Oh! The f*ck... f*ck...

- Hmm?”

“Look at that you can be useful,” Vex voiced 

“Okay. That skanky goat groper is up to no good. You keep an eye on that house, I'll go get the others.

Right. Can you pick me up a sandwich on the way back?

What? A sandw... No. I'm not going on a food run, dummy.

[whimpers] Please?

[sighs] what do you want?”

“Thank Scanlan,” Grog beamed and Scanlan gave a smile and a fond eye roll in return.

“Mmm. [grunting] So good.

[sighs] Sturdy lock. Nothing a little magical song can't handle.”

“How is music going to open a door?” Percy looked confused towards Scanlan

“[clears throat]

♪ Open your back door, baby ♪

♪ Loosen your hinges, I'll show you my key ♪

Damn. That usually works.

What if I heat the metal and melt the lock?

[grunting]

What the hell, Keyleth? This is imported silk.

The lock doesn't seem to be magical. 

I'm not sensing anything.

Can you people do nothing right? It's just a d*mn door.

Hmm? [grunts] Hmm? All it takes is a little finesse. Amateurs.”

“Thank you brother,” Vex pinched her nose

“That was my toothpick.

Wow. This place is fancy. Apparently Krieg lives here. And has dreadful taste in art.

Oh, sh*t. I bet Fince is here to assassinate his *ss.

Oh, you think?

Why don't you three head to the second floor?

Scanlan and Grog, search the attic.

- Vax and I will start here.

- [clicking]

Or maybe we all just go check the cellar.

[Scanlan] Aha! We caught you blue-handed, chicken humper!”

“I suppose we were right then,” Percy leaned forward

Drop your blade.

What? No, no, you don't understand. I'm not stealing anything.

Of course you're not. And that sword isn't to murder General Krieg with, either, right?

Pike, I think it is.”

Vox Machina excluding Grog sighed at once.

“You must listen to me. These documents are evidence. General Krieg is planning to...

[shouts]

[gasps]

[Vex] What?

- [Vex] Krieg!

- [Vax] Krieg!

Nice bloody technique.

How do you stay so quiet in that armor?”

“It is actually really impressive armor is loud,” Pike nodded

“[high-pitched ringing]”

“Its Krieg,” Vex’ eyes widened realizing the situation were now in

“[exhales] Oh, no.

[shouts]

He's the one, in league with the...

Of course it was me. I championed you because you're a bunch of witless oafs who no one gives two sh*tes about.”

The statement hit harder than it should have with the group. Vex and Vax gave each other a look. Pike and Scanlan both shifted a little closer to Grog and Percy looked down. 

“You've been lucky so far, but you have no idea what you have gotten yourself into.

I've got him.

Finesse, huh?

Krieg!

He's gone.

Quite the keen observation, Scanlan.

There must be a hidden exit or trap door.

Fan out.

Look for some kind of fulcrum.

Wait, a f*ck room?

I mean, that's what I heard.

A lever, a button. Just... stand over there, Grog, and don't touch anything.

Whoa.

You guys, everything in this room is magical.

Where do we even start?

Oh. [gasps]

Oh, my.

Oh, how booty-ful. [gasps]

This guy really has a thing for dragons.

[Grog chuckling]

Grog, it's rude to stare.

- Grog, you're being gross.”

“Come on buddy,” Pike sighed fondly

“- [chuckling]

[grunting]

Oh! Keyleth, you found it!

It's a portal! [exhales] Nice work.

Brilliant, really.

[chuckles] Oh. It was nothing.

She threw a book at a head. It was nothing.

[gasps]

My arms. Scanlan, lookit!

[gasps] They're in the booty.

That is so cool.

Listen, if we're gonna fight Krieg, we have to do this as a team, all right? Organized. As one.”

“If that's where the odds lie then we are very dead,” Percy looked down realizing that if he died now then he would never discover that his sister is still alive.

“Please, we... [chuckles] We don't do organized. Look at us. We're Vox Machina. We f*ck sh*t up.”

“That should be our motto,” Scanlan proposed

“I don’t know Scanlan what's the motto with you,” Grog responded scratching his head. The kids giggled and the groan ups groaned. Some tried to work out whether or not Grog was being serious.

“Can we at least try? Can we at least go, already?

Lead the way, big man.

[groans]

You know what, guys, uh, good luck.I'm just gonna keep a lookout from here. [shouts]

- [shouts]

- [shivering]

So cold. What is this place?

High in the mountains, I'd say.

[Vax] Wherever we are, we're far from Emon.

[Scanlan] No way.

- [shivering] Gold.

- [gasping]

- Gold. [laughing] Gold!

- [Grog laughing]”

“You're in a dragon horde in extreme amounts of danger and you're distracted… by gold.”. Allura turned towards the group

“Yep, sounds about right,” came agreements from Vox Machina.

“Seems excessive for a council member.

Seems excessive for anyone.

- [Grog] Yeah!

- [chuckling]

[grunts]

Magic scrolls, jewels, potions.

Is this a troll d*ck?”

“Uhg,” Pike wrinkled her nose

“Think of all the ale I could buy.

Buddy, we could be drunk for weeks. Days, even!”

“You could use all that money in only a couple days,” Kaylie gritted her teeth remembering how hard her mom worked for the little money they had.

“Yup,” Scanlan nodded and Kaylie glared at him, “what the big guy consumes a lot of ale.” 

“You know what, Uriel can keep his paltry payment.

We're rich!

Wait. Wait, wait, wait! This gold didn't fall out of the f*cking sky. This is a horde!”

Allura sighed, “yes indeed it is,”

“- We're in the dragon's lair!

- [grunts]

Those are pretty. But also… ominous.

[gasps]

[otherworldly voice] Intruders.

[rumbling]

I didn't do that. Did I do that?

I don't think I did that.

[groans]

[Krieg] I must say, I'm impressed. To tell you the truth, I was certainyou would die the moment you met the mighty Brimscythe. But it seems some vermin

are harder to kill than others.”

All of Vox Machina and some others glared at the screen. 

“You-you wanted Uriel to send the entire army out of Emon. So your dragon friend could wipe them out.”

Urial paled and gripped his family tighter realizing how he'd been played.

“I apologize, Lady Kima. it appears you were right,” Urial looked at the halfling, recalling her telling him at the beginning of the episode that Kriegs plan was not a good one. Kima nodded and accepted the apology. 

“The Age of Man is coming to an end. There was a time when dragons ruled all of Tal'Dorei, when we ruled the entire world. 

Did he just say "we"?”

“The footprints,” Vex’ eyes widened remembering how they went from beast to human. It appears everyone else caught her meaning as well.

“[growling]

[roars]

Didn't see this one coming, did you, Vex?

[growling]

- [screams]

- Grog!

[grunts, groans]

- Are you all right?

- Um, no.”

“It appears this is going poorly,” Percy muttered

“Obviously,” Cassandra rolled her eyes

“You wound me sister,”

“I just pointed out that for being the smart one you have  a habit of saying the obvious,” Percy gave his little sister a mock glare and the two laughed a little. Percy staring at his sister a little hopeful only for her to turn away. Meanwhile Cassandra had a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach. Why did she trust the Briarwoods again? The rest of Vox Machina looked a little surprised. It's rare that you see Percy laugh.

“- [Brimscythe roaring]

- [all screaming]

A tickle. Let me return the favor.

Sh*t. [exclaims]

Aah!

[grunts]

Fools. I'll devour you all.

Huh?

[sniffs, growls]

Pike? Pike? Pike? Pike?! Pike?!

- [screams]

- [grunting]

[both grunt]

- Look out!

- [grunts]

Vax, did Gilmore give you any insight on how to kill this thing, or did you two flirt the whole time?”

“They flirted the whole time,” Pike mumbled annoyed 

“Sh*t. Right, right. Uh, uh, dragons are vain, arrogant,  egotistical... [grunts]

- [growling]

[Vex] I know that already. I studied them, remember?

- [grunts]

- Doesn't matter. We can't do shit if it's in the air.

[Vax] "Where the twin rivers meet."”

“You mean that useless poetry was actually helpful,” Scanlan said, annoyed.

“You get what you pay for,” Vax smiled flirtatiously at Gilmore who wiggled his eyebrows back. Keyleth looked down a little awkwardly.

“The neck. You see that? We have to get it on the ground. Vex, do you hear me?!

Yes! This way. I've got a plan.

- Aw, another one?

- Shut up.

[gasps]

Look, okay, for once, you were right. Maybe we don't fight as one. Maybe we do what we do best.”

“Cause chaos and destruction with no remorse,” Scanlan grinned

“With some remorse actually,” Keyleth piped up, “and with a lot of mental breakdowns thrown in,”

“Sounds about right,” Percy sighed pinching the bridge of his nose.

“What? We have no best.

[Brimscythe cackles]

So, what do you want us to do? Run out and yell, "Hey, dragon man, we don't know what the f*ck we're doing"?”

Vex’ eyes light up, “oh that's brilliant,”

“[growls]

Ha! You think you can hide in my lair?

Hey, taint smear!

You're in my way again, you ape.

What'd you call me?

Maybe I'll squash you, too.

Oh, as if either of you could kill anything. A preening, peacoated peacock

and a witless goon.”

The room turned to vox machina in complete confusion as they all realized what they were doing.

“[Percy] You watch yourself, peasant.

If the three of you will shut up already and let me kill this inflated windbag…”

Allura actually chokes a little at that. Brimscythe would not like that at all.

“[growls]

kill me? I am the iron storm. You are nothing but insects!

[all scream]

[laughs]

Pathetic.”

“I’m sorry,” Urial blinked, feeling whiplash, “But what is going on here?”

“[Brimscythe] What?

- Impossible!

- [Scanlan clears throat]

- Gotcha.

- Now!

[Keyleth] Oh, come on. Come on, come on, come on. You got this.”

“Go Keyleth!/ You got this/ you're so cool,” the three little kids cheered for Keyleth who turned pink.

“I have faith in you Keyleth,” Vax smiled at the already blushing Keyleth who turned an even darker shade of pink.

“[grunts]

[panting, grunts]

[roars]

[panting]

[grunting]

Scanlan's Hand!

[grunting]

[roaring]

Light him up, Vex.

[screams]

I will sunder your bones.

- Look who's nice and low.

- [sneers]

I would like to… rage!”

“Brimscythe is screwed now you got him buddy,” Pike cheered for her best buddy

[roaring]

[shouting]

[all grunt]

[Grog groans]

Is he dead?”

“I can’t believe we're all alive right now,” Percy shakes his head. Kaylie tried to squash down the relief that her father was safe.

“[Chuckles softly]

We did that.

We did that, right?

It seems being a bunch of a**holes has its merits.

[Grog grunts]

- Souvenir?

- [scoffs]

Proof we kill the scaly turd.

Huh. You know, you're a lot smarter than we give you credit for, Grog.”

“Its true,” Pike smiled at her best buddy and smiled back appreciatively. 

“- Yep, I'm a genius.

- Huh?

- Aw, f*ck this day.

- Oh!

- Exit strategy?

- Run!

[Scanlan] Wait!The-the loot!

[grunts]”

“Thats not whats important right now,” Kima groaned 

“[groans]

D*mn it!”

“This isn’t the time to broad brother,” Vex glared at Vax

“We got him, kid.”

The room softened remembering the little boy who died last episode. Who would die soon unless they changed things. 

“[Uriel] Vox Machina, for your selfless heroism, I proclaim you all Protectors of the Realm and honorary members of the council of Tal'Dorei. I know. I can hardly believe it myself.

[all laugh]

Oh, how I've missed respectability.

Yes, yes, yes, that's all fine and good, but where is the... Ah.

There we are.

[chuckles]

Payday. Uh… Keys? Parchment?”

“Where's the money,” Vex whipped around towards Urial.

“- Where's our reward?

- [Uriel] You're holding it. The deed to your new keep here in Emon. We need our protectors close at hand to, you know, protect.”

“Most eloquent,” Salda sad bluntly to her husband who blushed a little.

“- [gasps, chuckles]

- [chuckles]

Uh-huh. Uh, hypothetically, if we sold it, how much do you think that… Okay.

Sister, we have a home.”

“It's been awhile,” Vex whispered Percy winced a little. He knew the feeling of course.

“Wait till I tell my father. Oh, the Ashari will never believe this. I bet… I'm ruining a moment right now, aren't I?”

“Yes,” Keyleth sighed, answering her own question.

“Yep, I'm just gonna go over here now.

As protectors, you must understand that the threat is far from over. We suspect Krieg may have been part of a larger plot.”

Darcy interjected, “he was but that second season stuff,” the room tensed. 

“As such, I have arranged an important banquet to discuss the security of our realm. It'll be quite delightful, really. We have a wonderful cook. We trust you will all attend. In fact, several dignitaries should be on their way as we speak.

- [horse neighs]

- Huh?”

Percy paled and immediately started shaking. 

“Are you alright darling,” Vex put her hand on Percy's shoulder.

“F-fine,” now everyone was really nervous since he never stutters.

“Percy…” Vax leaned forward.

“I said I’m fine,” Percy snapped. Cassandra flinched a little and the room sat tense, “I’m sure we’ll see what happens at some point,” Percy concluded softer though he still sat taught and tense in his chair. 

“L-Lady Briarwood, there's something blocking the road.

Can you go around it, Desmond?

[man] Allow me, my love.

[leaves rustling]

[chuckles]

[bandit] Well, ain't this a lucky night.”

Cassandra winced since this was most certainly not their lucky night.

“Looks like royalty to me.

What do you say, gang?

[whimpers]

Oh, he's a fancy one.

We want everything you and the missus got unless you want to be gutted like a fish.

What, are you deaf or something? Empty your pockets.

Aah!

[gasping]

The f*ck?!”

“I agree with that statement,” Scanlan exclaimed loudly.

“[grunting]

- [whimpers]

- [gasps]

[screams, grunts]”

“She's just sitting there drinking her tea?” Scanlan exclaimed once again

“She doesn’t want to get her dress dirty,” Cassandra whispered

“[door opens]

I hope it wasn't too much trouble, Sylas.”

“Those are the Briarwoods," Urial informed the group, “the party remembered Percy's previous tense reaction the last time they were mentioned.

“Delilah, my dear, it was nothing.

- [whip cracks]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪”

“Percy,” this time it was Keyleth

“Lets just keep watching,” he looked down.