Indulgence

The following Thursday night marked thirteen days away from Steve. Bucky was missing him in several different ways; he felt jumpy and anxious all the time, he had way too much free time, and he felt lonely and miserable. He wanted to call Nat to see if she wanted to hang out, but he didn’t want to seem needy. He hated himself every time he started getting emotional over their daily Skype call. He kept telling himself that he was already past the halfway mark, and Steve would be home soon. He was clearly having a great time, and Bucky was so happy for him, and he didn’t want to dampen his fun with a sulky attitude.

But also? Bucky was really horny.

It had been a while since he’d had some real me time, and Nat was always talking about the value of treating yourself, and just having a nice spa day alone, or buying a new vibrator. Bucky hadn’t used a vibrator in over six months. One of his favourite things about his relationship with Steve was their libidos were very similar. There was a very rare occasion when one would be in the mood and the other wasn’t interested. It was safe to say that Bucky couldn’t remember the last time he’d truly masturbated.

Not that the bathroom stall at the buffet had counted, he reminded himself. Sure, he’d jerked off a few times, but he couldn’t recall the last time he really got out the toys, put his favourite playlist on, and sat down for a good while to discover his body.

Which lead him to sitting on his bed, holding his phone with his left hand and dick with his right, pumping, and trying to convince his cock to show some interest in the picture displayed on his screen. It’s not that he wasn’t turned on; all day at work he’d been wiggling in his chair, dying to open an incognito tab and search up some porn, but now that he’s home and comfortable, it just isn’t clicking.

            Bucky can’t pinpoint the last time that masturbating should have been normal, but he knows that there was a time when the picture he’s looking at—a lean, muscled man showing the underside of his erection off to the camera—would have been enough. At first he was frustrated at himself, but now, he was just desperate for an orgasm. He bit his lip, a few taps away from being both confused and satisfied, and searched up “chubby kink” in the search bar. He tapped on the first result, a well-built blond man who looked vaguely like Steve, except he had brown eyes and a thick beard… and about forty pounds on Bucky’s lover. He pressed play, and watched the larger man jiggle his stomach slightly, slap it once, and then begin to drink an entire gallon of chocolate milk, not caring when small drops escaped his mouth, clinging to his beard and running down the round curve of his gut.

Bucky shut his eyes, twisting his hand harder around his member, listening to the loud sounds of the man swallowing, and pictured Steve’s face on the man. The man’s gut on Steve. How Steve’s face was undeniably looking a little softer these days, and wondering if he would come home with a waist that was a little softer, too.

He came with a cry, his elusive orgasm finally within the grasp of his right hand, and worth every moment of waiting.

Bucky knew that he couldn’t deny it anymore. Whatever this was, whatever this meant—and he still wasn’t quite sure yet—he was into big guys. Fortunately for him, Steve was quickly falling under that category. But he was panicking. So naturally, he called Nat.

She picked up nearly immediately. “What is it this time?” she said patiently, and Bucky realised that there were only two days that he hadn’t called her since Steve had left for New Mexico.

“I think there’s something wrong with me,” Bucky hissed. He’d grown up in a place where his sexuality was repressed, and anything other than vanilla hetero sex was even more taboo. It had taken him a long time to finally admit to himself that he was gay, even when he was surrounded by supportive non-straights in high school and college.

“Keep going,” Nat said patiently, and although Bucky knew she would never judge him, he still felt afraid of his newfound secret. Maybe if Nat could know and accept it… then maybe Steve could too.

“IthinkI’mintobigguys,” Bucky said in all one breath, and it was all he could do not to hang up with embarrassment just then.

Nat let out a hearty laugh, and Bucky wanted to kill himself, but then she spoke again. “Is that it? C’mon Buck, I’ve known this for a while.”

“But I just figured it out myself.”

“Listen, sweetheart, it’s no secret that you like guys that are bigger than you are. Just look at your last five boyfriends, even the ones you’ve shown me before Steve. They’ve all been tall and usually muscular, and more often than not, pretty thick.” It was true. Bucky had never considered the pattern before, although he supposed he’d never dated someone while they were gaining weight before. “When Steve started actually eating at that St. Patrick’s party, I thought you were gonna lose your mind. So embrace it. I follow Steve on Instagram, and he won’t stop posting reviews of food places from fuckin’ Albuquerque. Clearly he’s not looking to lose weight, so in the meantime, you can enjoy it. And maybe when he gets back, you can even tell him about it.”

They talked a little more about some other things, but Bucky started to lose interest when Nat drew a parallel between his newfound kink for the fat & furious, and the games she liked to play with Wanda. Bucky didn’t need to hear about how Wanda liked to be put in a collar and treated like a dog. Bucky didn’t want to hear about how Natasha liked to command her to sit, stay, and come.

When they ended the call and Bucky swore up and down not to call her for at least a few days (since they saw each other at work every day anyway), and Nat told him not to worry about it, he decided to take her advice, and embrace it.

Steve’s voice was stuck in his head, saying “life is short; eat dessert first”. Except the ‘eat dessert first’ part was replaced by ‘explore your fetishes’. Nat had explained that that was just how Bucky works, and if Steve was compatible, and everything was consensual, then there was nothing to be worried about.

Indulging in this strange, wild fantasy of his was liberating in a way he’d only known before when Steve would lay his palm on his neck and instruct him in that sweet, low voice.

Friday morning, right after Bucky parked his car in the space that he and Steve shared for work, his phone buzzed with a snap from Steve. He opened it, and nothing could have prepared him for the sight of a soft belly gently pressing open the two halves of a pair of dark-wash jeans, captioned “we’ve got a problem” right over the deep navel. At first, he thought he’d accidentally opened one of the newfound weight gain porn accounts on tumblr that he was following, but as the countdown in the upper-right hand corner ticked down from 10, he realised that it was a real snap. And, although the image didn’t contain a face, Bucky could tell by the gold hair trailing down from the navel that it was apparently Steve.

Still in shock, he quickly screenshotted the image before it disappeared, wincing when the text “Bucky screenshotted Steve’s snap!” appeared in the chat history.

Immediately, another snap appeared from Steve. Bucky opened it.

The blond appeared on the small screen of Bucky’s phone, expression frozen halfway between a cringe and an apology. Sorry, that was for someone else, the caption read.

Bucky had no idea how to respond. Was he supposed to bring up the fact that Steve had just sent him a belly pic? Or the fact that Steve had meant to send someone else a belly pic?

He decided to pretend that it never happened. He took a picture of him smiling pleasantly, captioned “no problem x'D happens all the time”. Bucky could not think of a falser statement. Steve seemed to accept Bucky’s attempt, however, and the rest of their respective mornings went as normal. Over lunch, they skyped, and neither mentioned the incident at all. Bucky was almost certain that he dreamed it, except the screenshot was saved carefully to his phone.

After wracking his mind for a possible explanation to the point of insanity, Bucky swivelled around to meet Natasha. “Are you available for over-sharing?” he pleaded.

Nat swivelled around so quickly the papers on her desk fluttered. “Always. Spill the tea.”

Bucky showed her his phone screen. Nat blinked, grabbed the phone, squinted at it, and opened and closed her mouth. “Is… that Steve?”

Bucky nodded.

Nat grinned. “Well, that’s great, right? You’re into it, and so is he.”

“Maybe not. He snapped me like two seconds later and said that it was a wrong-person-snap.”

“….Okay?”

Bucky sighed. “I know. I’m as confused as you are.”

“So, ya boi is off in New Mexico, getting fat and sending belly pics, your equivalent of dick pics, to someone else? Is that snap cheating?”

“I wouldn’t say he’s cheating on me. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions.”

“What did you do?”

“I played it off like nothing happened. I didn’t want to embarrass him.”

Nat nodded knowingly. “I thought I detected notes of elephant during your lunch video chat.”

“What elephant?” Bucky asked, and received an utterly poisonous glare. “Okay, okay. What should I do?”

Nat waved her hand. “You missed that boat. How long until he gets back?”

“A week from today,” Bucky whined miserably.

“That’s a long time for one elephant.”