Chapter 10
As soon as the door was shut behind him, Steve let out a breath.
His head was pounding from the night before, and he had foggy memories of their walk back to the dorm as well as the things that had followed.
Had he kissed Tony, or had Tony kissed him?
He started the shower and began to strip, trying to push these thoughts from his head.
His brain, however, had different ideas.
The mysterious blue glow that came from Tony’s chest absolutely fascinated him. What could be there? And Tony wouldn’t talk about it. In fact, it seemed to be a rather sensitive topic of conversation, which he was always quick to redirect.
And the way the raven had held onto his hand… Sure, it had been followed by a lewd comment, but Steve hadn’t missed the moment of desperation in his eyes, the way he held onto his hand…
Steve wrung his wrist as it ached in memory of Bucky. Oh God, Bucky…
The blond wondered passingly if he was dishonoring him. This little game he and Tony were playing had certainly seemed to be just that - a game - for a long while.
Steve had been perfectly happy that it should remain that way, but the kiss they had shared last night, and the way Tony held onto his hand, that vulnerable look in the raven’s eyes…
But he couldn’t possibly expect anything real to come of his dealings with his roommate. They had such different outlooks on the world and the way that people were meant to interact with one another, it was hard to imagine they wouldn’t fight.
And Steve had trouble believing Tony would even be interested in the idea of a serious relationship - it didn’t seem very in-character for him. Tony seemed more the type to have casual sexual relations with scores of people than one committed relationship with one person.
Their friendship in and of itself was something unique to Steve’s whole life experience. The way he felt whenever he was in proximity to the raven, something within him stirred and he couldn’t help himself. Tony had such magnetism, similar to his father’s but so much more… him.
Steve really didn’t have the words to explain it. He was so aggravating, so obtrusively blatant about how he felt about things, it always got Steve so worked up (in one way or another).
As he washed the sweat off, he pondered all of this. He decided the best thing to do for now was to wait for the right moment to try and talk it all out.
When he emerged from the shower, Tony was sitting again on the couch. He stood when Steve walked in, and started towards him. “Y’know, my sources tell me the girls aren’t gonna be back for a while, so we have the place all to ourselves…”
Steve smirked. “What ever will we do in the meantime?” He mocked.
“I can think of a few things…” The raven leaned in, his breath was hot on Steve’s neck as he murmured. “Last night was a good place to start.”
“Tony…” The raven pushed him against the wall, spreading his hands over his pecs and pressing into the muscles. The blond felt heat spreading from his roommate’s warm hands.
“Y’know, you and me, we talk so much.” The raven muttered. “We talk and talk and talk, and never just do.” He ran his hands down Steve’s chest and the blond felt his breath catch as they landed on his hips.
Steve placed a hand on his roommate’s jaw, forcing the smaller man to look up at him.
Tony perked up an eyebrow suggestively and looked like he was about to say something, but Steve needed to know. He needed to see now, in the light of day, if he could still feel that feeling. If it was real. So he pressed his lips to the raven’s.
It was short and chaste, and when he pulled back and looked him in the eyes, Tony looked suddenly uncertain. He withdrew his hands from Steve’s hips, and turned abruptly around, shaking his head.
Steve felt his heart sink. He cursed himself for that feeling. He knew better. He knew Tony’s intentions, right from the outset. The raven had never given him any reason to think they were developing a real relationship, and Steve had no right to think it meant any more to him than some casual sex thing.
The two stood there in silence for a few minutes, before it was too much for the blond. He would leave Tony to his brooding; he made his way to the door, grabbing his coat, and left.
As he paced down the hallway, he pulled out his phone and composed a text.
To: Sam 7:08am
Hey, wanna grab a cup of coffee? I need to get off campus
Without waiting for the reply, Steve made for the little old fashioned diner in the town.
As he was nearing it, his phone buzzed.
From: Sam 7:12am
Sure where at?
Steve sent him the information and made his way inside to wait.
When Sam arrived a few minutes later, he waved him over and ordered them each a cup of coffee.
“Hey, how you doin?” Sam asked as he approached. “Stark junior still giving you grief?”
Steve shook his head. “I do it to myself, Sam.” he said with a dry laugh.
Sam frowned. “Not sure I catch your meaning there.”
Steve shook his head again, looking out over the sparse patrons of the diner. “You know how people say the only power someone has over you is the power you give to them? It’s true as ever with this guy. I mean, just when I get to thinking…” he looked down at his drink.
Sam shrugged. “I may not be up to date on every aspect of your personal life, but I imagine with the way you are, this kid must have some kind of gift to really get you worked up like this.”
Steve laughed. “I don’t know, Sam. But we always talk about me; what’s been going on in your life? Found yourself a bane like Stark lately?”
Sam smiled thoughtfully. “Same as always, I go to work, go to church, make my food… I don’t see much outside the house, y’know, and I’m alright with that.” His smile turned mischievous. “This drama with you is about the only exciting thing in my life right now.”
They both laughed, and Steve shook his head. “I don’t know about ‘drama’, that may be too strong a phrase to pin to it.”
“Well don’t leave me in suspense here, buddy.” Sam was looking at him expectantly. “Give me the rundown - last time we talked, y’all were going to a party or something this weekend, right? How was that?”
Steve looked up at the ceiling, as the previous night flashed through his mind. He had really thought, really felt like something real was becoming of what he and Tony had.
“I don’t know, Sam, you ever get yourself in a situation and the deeper you go, the more you think how did I get here? But you just keep digging yourself deeper ‘cause when you aren’t thinking, it’s just what feels right.”
Sam was quiet for a moment, and then said hesitantly in an undertone, “I don’t mean to assume, but… Well, firstly I feel like I should divulge that I don’t wanna hear about the sex.”
Steve choked on the coffee he was drinking and spewed some back onto the counter.
A waitress quickly came and cleaned up the mess, while Steve tried to recover himself. He could feel his face heating up, as he shook his head profusely.
“No, no thats not- we haven’t- I wouldn’t- no. Nope that- there- there’s nothing to tell, um, on that front. That is to say there has been no…” He gestured, not wanting to finish the thought out loud.
Sam was still looking at him, relief on his face. “Okay, cool just- I just thought, ‘cause of the way you talk about- never mind. Just- forget that.”
Steve couldn’t help but laugh as he drew a hand up to his face, hoping to hide how badly he was flushing. Sex with Tony? That was something he hadn’t gotten around to thinking about before. Of course, that was likely the end result the raven was hoping for, as far as their little game.
But who would be the winner if they did? Why was he even wondering that? Steve chided himself silently.
Sam drew him out of his thoughts. “But- but what I was gonna say is, if it feels right, there are probably some feelings worth exploring. Like, you know… If you wanted to have sex with Stark-”
“Would you please not say those words in sequence? That-” He shuddered. “Needless to say you ought not worry about ever hearing about that.”
Sam raised his hands innocently. “That was just an example. My point remains; if something feels right, you should probably try to talk to him about it. And if he is as passe and arrogant as you’ve made him out to be, he will probably be resistant to that - but it’s very important to communicate from both of your points of view where you expect your… relationship or whatever to go.”
“Ugh, please also don’t use the word ‘relationship’.” Steve stared into his cup of coffee. “But I think I get your point. I just… I’m not sure where, if anywhere, I do want it to go.” He chewed his lip.
Sam shrugged. “That you have to figure out on your own - I can’t help you with that.”
Steve nodded slowly, before looking up to meet his friend’s eyes. “How’d you get so damn smart?”
Sam shrugged. “I just have a natural aptitude for relationships I guess. Even weird complicated non-’relationship’ relationships.”
Steve smiled at him. “Thanks for being here buddy. You’ve been the most constant thing in my mess of a life since I came back to New York.”
“Happy to help.” And the two fell into normal, shallow conversation for a long while.
When they finally parted ways, Steve headed back to the dorm with a little more confidence, planning to have the conversation he needed to with Tony.
The way he saw it, there were two basic options; Tony wanted a relationship, or he did not.
If he didn’t, simple; they would have to put an end to their little ‘game’ thing because Steve may very well be getting his wires crossed.
If he did… Well, that one, Steve would deal with when the time came.
A large part of Steve still couldn’t figure out whether or not he even wanted a relationship with Tony, so that answer would be a little more complicated to deal with.
When he reached the dorm, Janet was sitting at the desk in their bedroom, laptop out, working on something. She gave him a brief smile when he entered, before returning to her work.
He made his way to the living room and found Tony still on the couch, though now he had headphones in and was tinkering with an old cell phone again.
Steve eased himself down onto the couch beside him. Tony glanced his way, but didn’t immediately do anything else.
After a few moments, he removed the earbud on Steve’s side.
“Hey, so, I kinda wanted to talk to you,”
Tony’s hands stilled. After a moment, he set down what he was working on and removed his other earbud, wrapping them around his phone before looking coyly at the blond. “I’m all ears, oh captain my captain.”
Steve swallowed. “I wanted to talk about, um,” Tony was pointedly not looking at Steve’s face, but rather his neck. It was very distracting. “Well, last night, we had kind of a moment,”
Tony nodded, drawing his eyes back up to meet Steve’s. “We sure did.” He smirked, and leaned closer. “Did you want to, uh, recreate it?” He adjusted so that he was on his knees, leaning over Steve.
“Well, no, I really wanted to- to talk to you about-” Steve’s breath caught in his throat as his roommate placed a hand on his inner thigh for support.
“What, afraid of losing?” The raven breathed, now inches from Steve’s face.
The supersoldier felt indignation spark in his chest, as well as something else he didn’t want to admit.
He skillfully wrapped an arm around Tony’s waist and flipped him onto his back, so he had one knee in between Tony’s hip and the back of the couch, and the opposite foot on the floor.
“Don’t think you’re getting out of this conversation that easily.” Steve growled, running a hand down the length of Tony’s chest. “But if you insist on continual distraction,” He muttered, leaning down to whisper against his roommate’s ear. “I can at least make it interesting.”
Tony’s hand snaked up and wrapped around the back of Steve’s head, his hand tangling in his hair. “Interesting is one way to put it.” He breathed back, before bucking his hips right into Steve’s crotch.
Acutely aware of Janet in the other room, Steve bit back a whine at the sudden sensation. He tried to pull his head back but found Tony was stronger than he had anticipated, and he was powerless as the raven placed his lips on his neck.
Steve’s knees relinquished his weight and he collapsed down on top of the smaller man, who gave a small grunt at the force.
The sound was more than a little comical, and Steve couldn’t help but laugh. Tony started laughing too, and released his hair. The tension was broken.
Steve pulled back to look Tony in the eyes, and the billionaire was gazing up at him with a look Steve couldn’t decipher the meaning behind.
Tony reached up a hand and tucked a strand of Steve’s hair back behind his ear, and Steve felt a chill run through him.
Then something changed in his face. Tony suddenly began to shift, and Steve moved so he was able to sit up on his own, Steve now perched beside him.
The playboy rested his elbows against his knees, his face contorting into one of deep thought as he folded his hands in front of it.
“So… That talk I was… Talking about,” Steve prodded, but Tony held up a hand, closing his eyes.
A long stretch of silence passed, and Steve felt anxiety building in his chest.
At length, Tony let out a heavy sigh. “It’s inevitable, isn’t it?”
Steve frowned. “What is?”
Tony slowly opened his eyes, trained straight ahead. He pointed between the two of them. “This… Conversation you wanna have. The ‘what are we’ talk.” He drew his hands into his lap and began fidgeting with them.
Steve studied him, wondering what was running through his head. “I mean… I don’t know if-”
“Look, I have to be honest with you - you deserve that much, at least.” Tony picked up his pencil off the table and began fiddling with it. “I’m pretty good at reading people, and I think we’ve spent enough time together that it isn’t presumptuous of me to assume that you need that conversation, and the affirmation of some kind of… functioning label, or whatever, to justify going any further with… whatever we’ve been doing.” He stood, moving to the other side of the table to pace.
“Let me just say though,” Tony tapped the pencil against his palm as he paced, eyes forward and down. “It has been pretty good, without, y’know, the labels. You’re obviously smokin’, I’ve made no secret of knowing that, and we’ve clearly got crazy chemistry - you could cut the sexual tension between us with a knife at any given moment-” He halted, shaking his head. “Off-topic. What I’m trying to say is… is…” He began to chew on his lip.
Steve stood, walking towards his roommate. “Look, Tony-”
The raven shook his head vehemently, turning towards Steve and clenching his fists around the pencil in front of him. “No, what I’m trying to say is that I can’t- I’m not the kind of person- I- I just can’t go and- and- and…” He let out a sharp sigh as though impatient with his own brain for not finding the right words.
Steve was growing more and more convinced he knew why his friend was upset, and didn’t want him to keep looking for an argument they didn’t need to have. But maybe he needed to let him say it. “Can’t go and what, Tony?” He prompted gently.
“I can’t… Be relied on.” It was quiet, Steve almost didn’t hear it, but spoken with conviction nonetheless. Tony was now twisting his two closed fists around the pencil. “Cause that- that’s really what it comes down to; you’re the type of person to- to see the best in people, and that’s awesome- good for you. I give you a lot of shit but I imagine I’d be a hell of a lot happier if I could give people that same benefit of the doubt - but it means you headfirst into relationships with people and- and I’m sure that you have healthier, better options out there, people as sunshine and rainbows as you who will mutually empower you to save the friggin world and as much as I want it to be, that just… It’s not me.” His hands stilled.
Steve hesitated for a moment, wondering if Tony had more to say. “Is that… Do you really think…” As much as I want it to be… Steve couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his chest, to which Tony’s eyes snapped up immediately.
He looked mad for a second, but it quickly melted into something else… Apprehension, maybe? But then he smiled coolly, a nervous glimmer still in his eye. “Okay, you got me, I-I wanted to see how you, uh, how you would react if I just… Acted like I was baring my soul-”
“Oh shut up.” Steve placed a hand on his shoulder. “Look, you think I’m some great ray of sunshine who’s gonna… Save the world, or whatever,” He shook his head. “Look to put it frankly, we all have shit, and there will always be a part of you that feels like yours is worse than someone else’s. But the secret? All poo stinks the same.”
Tony narrowed his eyes, as a mischievous smile appeared on his face. “I don’t know what’s funnier - you swearing, or the fact that you said ‘poo’.”
Steve scoffed. “Was that all you took away from that?”
Tony looked at him contemplatively, then sighed in a resigned way. “No - but look, it’s not just about like, shit, I’m talking about who we are, fundamentally as people. Just ‘cause our shit stinks the same doesn’t mean we handle it the same way, and I’m not-” He ran a hand through his hair, looking increasingly exasperated. After a moment, he let out a frustrated sigh. “I don’t know how to say this without sounding like a jerk!”
“Maybe you are a jerk.” Both boys turned their heads as Natasha walked in.
On instinct, they both stepped back from each other, and she rolled her eyes as she walked past between them to get to the kitchen. “I’m just passing through, not trying to intrude.” She filled a water bottle, and then passed them again.
Tony looked up at Steve, his eyes guarded. Her interruption had been enough to disrupt the thought he was trying to express.
Then it occurred to Steve what the billionaire could be trying to say. He straightened up, crossing his arms across his chest. “Well I understand that this… this whole thing more or less started out as a game, and um… If you wanted- if what you want is not, um…”
Tony let out a nervous laugh, which caught Steve off guard. “What I didn’t want was this-” He gestured between the two of them. “-this awkward- whatever is happening right now.” He ran both hands through his hair, pacing towards the wall. “Let’s just- let’s just not.” He turned back to Steve and walked up to him. “Right? Let’s not do the awkward conversation thing - just skip it, right?”
He looked rather manic, and Steve couldn’t help but take a step back. “Tony, I don’t think this conversation is as big of a deal as you think it is.”
Tony ran both hands down his face. “No, Steve, this conversation is a perfect example of how we’re different in our interactions. For you, Steve, it isn’t probably a ‘big deal’-”
“What do youwant?” Steve asked coolly.
Tony froze, a calculating look on his face. “What?
Steve stepped back towards him, and Tony stood straighter. “What do you want?”