Chapter Thirty-Nine
Runa managed to guide Bucky through the process of preparing the beans and cornbread, finding herself unable to even help chop the onions or bacon that would be added into the beans. By the time supper was over she was flagging, having trouble remaining seated. She started to stand so she could gather up plates as she usually did, wondering how she would manage it even as she did so, but before she could get fully to her feet Bucky was ordering her to sit back down while Pinky quickly gathered up the dishes instead. She sat heavily in her chair, murmuring a few words to the men who bade her good night as they filed from the dining room. It was clear she would be sleeping soon.
Steve came around the table. “I’ll help you to bed.” He offered gently, but Runa shook her head, despite how heavenly falling into bed sounded.
“I need a bath first.” She looked up at him. “I reek of ether. It’s all I can smell. I can’t go to sleep like this.” Lord only knew what else she was covered in. And a hot soak might help with some of her aches, or so she hoped.
Steve frowned slightly. “I can understand that. I’ll go get the water heated and take your things to the bathhouse, then I’ll help you out there.”
“I can manage-”
“You could barely make it from the bedroom to the dining room under your own power.” Steve countered. “I’ll help you out to the bathhouse once its ready.”
She managed a smile. “All right. Thank you, Steve.” Having him hover around her so protectively made her feel… Well, she wasn’t exactly certain how to describe what it made her feel, other than happy. Pleased.
Safe.
He might be an inconsiderate ass at times, but he would keep her safe and help take care of her. She had absolutely no doubts about that. Not now.
“I’ll keep her company while you do that.” Bucky offered from what remained of the doorway into the kitchen.
“You’ll make certain I don’t pass out at the table, you mean.” Runa didn’t have to force the smile, as much as it hurt her face to smile. Bucky would always be there to comfort her. She couldn’t imagine living without him any longer, didn’t want to try. Bucky was an integral part of her life at the ranch. She needed him almost as much as she needed Steve.
The impact of that thought hit her, sent her reeling. That was… Not quite how things were supposed to go. She was supposed to look to Steve for everything, supposed to lean entirely on her husband, but… Steve and Bucky were a pair. She couldn’t have one without the other.
That brought up a bit of a dilemma, as well as a few emotions that startled and scared her.
No. I can’t think on any of it tonight. I’m so tired I’ll just go around and around in circles until I confuse myself further.
“Are you all right?” Bucky asked quietly, taking the seat beside hers. The seat was one of two that had remained empty at supper that night, because it had belonged to Falsworth.
“I don’t know anymore.” Runa sighed. “I think with a bath and more sleep I should be fine.”
“Don’t forget the laudanum tonight. It’ll help you sleep.”
“I’m not certain I want to be dependent on laudanum.”
“Just for a few days. Maybe only at night, so you can sleep easier. I know it’s harder to sleep when you’re hurting.” Bucky reasoned.
“Steve never told me why he wasn’t supposed to lift me with his left arm. Will you?” Runa asked, changing the subject. Bucky sighed heavily.
“There was a gunman when we came riding up to put out the fires. He got Steve and me both. Steve in the shoulder, me in the side. We’re fine, and we had Doc Banner take a look at the wounds, but we’re supposed to take it easy. No heavy lifting, things like that. Steve won’t be able to drive the wagon for a couple of weeks. But you weigh less than a sack of feed, according to Steve, so I guess the Doc doesn’t consider toting you around ‘heavy lifting’, as long as he doesn’t hold you up with his left arm.”
Runa blinked back tears. “I’m sorry.” She whispered. “This is all my fault-”
“Hey, no.” Bucky reached out and took her hand that had been resting atop the table, leaning forward and looking at her earnestly. “None of this is your fault, darlin’. This is all on the shoulders of Brock Rumlow. You didn’t make him chase after you, decide that money was all he cared for, that he’d get it come hell or high water. None of that is your fault. So don’t you cry over us, we’ll be just fine. I’d rather you got tearing mad at Rumlow.”
She let out a watery laugh. “Oh, I am, I assure you. I just… Can’t do anything about that.”
“You don’t have to do anything about that, leave it up to the Sheriff. All you have to do is be mad.” Bucky smiled. “Think you can manage that?”
“I can try. There isn’t much else I can do right now.” She sighed. “To be perfectly honest, I’m not even certain I have the strength in me to be angry. Not for long, anyway. I’m not the sort of person who can stay upset long.”
“If you were you would have kicked Steve out to the bunkhouse long ago for some of what he’s done.” Bucky smiled slightly.
“Aren’t you the one who told me that Steve was doing his best?”
“Just because he’s doing his best doesn’t mean I approve of it. He should have tried harder.” Bucky looked down at their hands, his still covering hers on the table. “He was worried about you when we realized you were missing. We both were, but Steve…” He shook his head slowly. “I’ve seen Steve worried before, but… Not like that. I think that if you can keep on being patient with him, and I keep shouting at him when he needs it, you two will come out all right in the end.”
Runa frowned slightly. “But what about you?” She asked, and Bucky was hard put not to jerk away in surprise, wondering how the hell she knew, or if she was talking about something else.
He was saved from trying to form a response by Steve coming into the dining room. “The water is ready, and I took some of your things out to the bathhouse.” He said as he came around the table towards Runa. He saw the joined hands on the table. “Everything all right?”
“She just needed some reassurance is all.” Bucky said as he drew his hand away. “Told her it was all right to be mad.”
“It’s all right, and expected, but she doesn’t hold grudges, no matter how much the other person deserves it.” Steve said quietly as he helped Runa to stand.
“Using yourself as an example there, Stevie?”
“A poor one.” Runa winced, having trouble moving because she was so stiff from remaining seated so long. “He’s my husband, after all, not the man who tormented and hurt me. There is a big difference between the two.”
“I’m glad you think so, at least.” Steve scooped her up, wrenching a whimper of pain from her. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s… It’s all right. Just… Everything hurts.” She confided, resting her head against his shoulder wearily.
“I know, sweetheart, I know. Come on. I’ll get you to the bathhouse.” Steve gave a nod to Bucky, before carefully carrying Runa from the house and to the small bath house. He took her inside, and helped her to sit on the low wooden bench against the far wall that her nightclothes and towel were sitting on.
“I think… I think my shoes might be beyond me. Could you…?”
“Of course. And I’ll wait, help you with your corset again.” He offered quietly. She managed to nod, reaching to unbutton the front of her dress while he knelt and carefully worked at the buttons on her shoes, easing them off her feet and setting them on the bench. He had seen people in pain similar to hers before during the war, and after. She was too stiff and sore from the beating she had received to bring her arms up over her head, which mean undressing entirely and dressing again was going to be a painful chore. Washing her hair and scrubbing herself properly was going to be nearly impossible; and she needed a good scrubbing, not that anyone was going to be rude enough to say anything about it to her. The smell of ether followed her, a sickly-sweet miasma that only served as a reminder of what had happened.
They had too many reminders already.
“Runa, do you want me to stay and help you?” He asked her gently. “It doesn’t seem like you’ll be able to do much on your own. I can help with that, and it would be just that, helping you wash, nothing more.” He hastened to assure her. He still wasn’t about to take any choices away from her, a decision that the events of the past two days only reinforced. She needed to be able to choose. “I’ll have to get in the bath with you to do it, or I’d burn myself on the concrete trying to reach you.”
Runa kept her head bowed, curtain of pale hair obscuring her face, but she finally nodded, such a small movement that he almost missed it.
“Are you certain?” He asked softly, earning a second nod. “All right. Here, let’s get you undressed first.”
Each movement was slow, careful. After what she had been through he didn’t want to inadvertently do something to frighten or worry her, so he made certain to go slow, treating her the way he would a frightened horse. Gentle. Soothing.
He helped her out of all her clothing, finally helping her stand so he could remove her drawers, thinking grimly that this was a far cry from what things had been like the last time he had gotten her undressed. This time I won’t run away before I so much as touch her. He told himself firmly. This isn’t even about all that. Just helping her and taking care of her. Just like I promised when we got married.
The reminder of their wedding vows almost made him wince once again, but he kept his face impassive. He might have been a failure as a husband before, but he was not going to make all the same old mistakes. And hopefully he would keep from making new ones.
The first thing he would have to do, he decided as he helped Runa carefully get into the tub without burning herself, was to let go of Bucky. Truly let go. He had still been clinging to the love, and while he still loved the other man, would love him for the rest of his life, he cared for Runa. He wasn’t certain it was love, not yet; but if it wasn’t love, it was something very close to it. He had realized it in those terrifying moments when she was first missing, and later, when he thought he had lost her forever. Those moments of fear had made him realize just how much she had come to mean to him. And even if that depth of emotion wasn’t there, he had sworn himself to her. On top of that, Runa needed him in ways that Bucky didn’t. Steve couldn’t turn his back on her, not unless she told him to, and even then it would be a difficult thing. It was time to get his head out of his ass and pay attention to his wife, without worrying on Bucky or anyone else. Just on her, and himself.
Steve stripped from his clothing quickly, ignoring the bandage around his upper torso and left shoulder, not planning on getting it wet, before picking a small wooden box up from where he had left it by her things. Then he got into the tub behind Runa, who had wrapped her arms around herself, keeping her head bowed. He reached around her, holding out the little wooden box.
“I got it for you at Scott’s.” He said as she turned her head to look at the little box in confusion. “It isn’t much, but I thought it might brighten things a little.”
She took the box carefully and opened it, staring at the bar of soap inside, a soft scent of roses cutting through the smell of the ether that was hanging around her.
“It’s perfect.” She said softly. “It… Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. You hold onto that while I get your hair wet. I’ll tell you when I’m ready for the soap. I figure we’ll start from the top, work our way down. All right?”
“All right.” She agreed quietly, and Steve picked up the old dented cup that was kept within reach of the tub for pouring water over their heads. He guided her to tilt her head back, and he carefully wet her hair, before taking the soap and working up a good lather before beginning to wash her hair, careful of the sore spots on her head. He knew his fingers pressed too firmly against those spots a few times by her sharp inhalations, but she was taking effort to keep from making any noise.
“You need to tell me if something I do hurts you.” He chided gently as he rinsed the soap out of her hair.
“I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to apologize for. I just need you to tell me. Otherwise, how will I know to stop doing that to keep from hurting you?” She made no reply, and he sighed, turning his attention back to rinsing out her hair. He worked up a lather with the soap and moved to wash the rest of her, finding it oddly pleasurable to be with her like this. Not in a physical way, although his cock was half hard, taking an interest in things even though this wasn’t about that, but in an emotional way. Slowly scrubbing the back of her neck, her shoulders… It was an intimate moment, one he hoped would bring them closer together.
Then she started crying.
He almost missed it, that first hitched breath. He thought he had hurt her, and she was trying to keep quiet about it despite what he had told her, but then it came again. In moments she was sobbing, wrapping her arms around herself, curling in on herself while she cried.
“Runa…” He said, hurting for her, for everything she was going through, had gone through. She shook her head, unable to speak, and simply kept crying.
Steve was at a loss. He wasn’t certain what to do, and it didn’t seem like she wanted to be held with the way she was holding herself, so he moved to gently force her to stretch out one arm, scrubbing it thoroughly with the soap, rinsing it and doing the same with the other, Runa wrapping her arms back around herself when he was done with them.
Somehow, he managed to get all of her clean, washing one small exposed spot at a time as best he could, until he finally set the soap aside, her tears finally subsiding by that point. Then there was silence in the bathhouse; a silence that was almost oppressive. Steve knew he had to do something. He wanted to do something.
Tentatively, he reached and placed a hand on her shoulder. She didn’t shrug it off, so he wrapped his other arm around her waist, gently forcing her to lean back a bit, until she was leaning back against his chest, at which point he moved so that he was simply holding her, both arms around her waist. He bowed his head, pressing his forehead lightly against the top of her head.
“Tell me how to help you.” He said softly. “Right now I would move the world for you if I could.”
“I needed you to do that a month ago. Even a week ago. Move the world. Just a little.” She whispered, exhausted and worn out from crying. “This is the most you’ve ever touched me.”
“I know. I know and I’m sorry.” He closed his eyes, the pain and confusion in her voice hurting him more than anything else could have. “I’m so sorry, Runa. If I could have it all to do again, I would have done so many things differently…”
“You wouldn’t have sent for me, for one.” She sighed, and he tightened his arms around her.
“No. I would still do that.” He told her firmly. “That is one of the things I wouldn’t change. I would change how I’ve treated you. I would change… I would change a lot of things.”
“Why would you keep me around? I repulse you.” Her voice was a whisper.
“Oh sweetheart, I promise, you don’t repulse me.” He sighed. “The opposite, in fact. I’m drawn to you. It’s only that…” He sighed, closing his eyes. “You’re going to hate me when I tell you.”
“I don’t think I could ever hate you, not really. No matter how much I’ve wanted to try. You’re infuriating sometimes, but also… You can be so kind and sweet. Like now. It makes it hard to hate you.”
“No, you’ll hate me.” He gathered his courage. “I love someone else. I thought… I thought I could get over it, and I meant to. I still mean to. When I sent those letters to you I swore I was going to forget… Well, forget that I loved anyone else. When you arrived I did forget, for a little while. I swear to you, I had every intention of being a true husband to you, but… Then I remembered. And touching you felt like a betrayal. I knew it wasn’t, but… My heart said it was. Now… Now my heart is just confused. I always liked you, Runa. I just didn’t know how much until I thought you were gone. Now I… I just don’t know what to do.” He confessed, feeling lost, knowing he would lose her with this admission.
“It’s Bucky, isn’t it?”
Her words made him stiffen in surprise. How did she…? “What makes you ask that?”
“A lot of small things that all added up to the two of you loving each other.” She sounded resigned. “I’d wondered for a while, but then you ran off to Nat’s and…” She shook her head.
“I was going to ask her what I should do, but I couldn’t manage it. I swear to you, I had every intention of being a good husband-”
“I believe you.” She closed her eyes. “You know, Uncle Lars and his friend, Mister Rupert were like that. They loved each other. Thought that I was too young to realize what was going on, probably. They told me that Mister Rupert lived with Uncle Lars because they were good friends, and it was easier to keep house if it was two bachelors together. I could hear them at night, though. Sneaking into each other’s rooms.” She sighed. “I shouldn’t be surprised by this, or hurt. I am a little, but I shouldn’t be.”
He tightened his arms around her slightly. “You should be. You should be tearing mad at me, yelling and screaming and… I don’t know what.”
“You know that isn’t who I am.”
“I know.”
“I’d like to go to bed now.”
“All right. Let me get out first, and then I’ll take care of you.”
“All right.”
He managed to get from the tub and dry off before dressing quickly in his discarded clothing, before helping her out, feeling sorrow as he got another good look at her body in the lamp light. She was covered in bruises from where she had been hit, kicked, grabbed… It made Steve want to storm down to the jail and put bullet after bullet into Brock Rumlow. He pushed those feelings aside, helping her to dry off and then get her soft nightgown over her head.
“I’ll help you comb out your hair once we’re inside.” He promised as he dried it with the towel, before scooping her up once again, leaving her soiled things in the bathhouse. He’d get them later.
He carried Runa into the darkened house, careful to be quiet and not disturb those who were resting in the sitting room. He got her into their room and set her on the bed before lighting the single lamp and picking up her brush from where she kept it on top of the bureau. He settled down beside her on the bed, brushing out her wet hair, remembering how he used to brush his Ma’s hair as a child.
Start at the bottom, Steve. Don’t start at the top. It’s easier if you work out the lower tangles first, see?
He listened to the phantom advice from the past, carefully brushing out every tangle, until her hair was smooth. He knew she usually slept with her hair in a braid, so he tried to braid it for her, though it was not a pretty effort. Still, it would do, he decided, before getting up and setting the brush aside. He left the room only to return several minutes later, a cup of water into which he had carefully added a dose of laudanum held in one hand.
“Drink this down.” He prompted, handing her the cup. “It will help you sleep. I’ll come and check on you in the night and again in the morning.”
She frowned, looking up at him. “What?”
He flushed. “I was planning on sharing a room with Bucky. Just for sleeping, I swear. I don’t want to hurt you in the night. You know how you always wind up curled against me, practically under me, and I always wake up holding you. I don’t think your ribs can handle that tonight.”
“Oh.” She looked down at the cup she held. “All… All right.” She took a drink of the laudanum and grimaced at the bitter taste, before quickly choking the rest down. Steve took the cup from her and set it on the bedside table, before helping her properly into bed and pulling the light sheet up to cover her. It was too warm to use the quilts most nights, so they usually used only a sheet, although most mornings they woke up with the sheet kicked to the foot of the bed.
Steve caressed Runa’s cheek lightly once she was settled, and she leaned into his touch, causing him to smile sadly. “Good night, Runa.”
“Good night.” She murmured sleepily. Steve watched her a moment before drawing away and quietly leaving the room, going to knock lightly on Bucky’s door before entering.
Bucky was sitting in bed, reading, and he raised a brow when he saw Steve, before forcing a grin. “What are you doing in here?”
“Coming to sleep.”
“You should be sleeping with your wife. I thought your bunking with me was a one night deal.”
Steve shook his head, a churning in his gut at Bucky’s words. Just another reason to try and give him up; the other man didn’t want him the same way he did. “Her entire body is one big bruise. She can barely even move, and could hardly help herself in the bath. I had to do most of it for her. I don’t even know how she managed to stay awake through dinner. It’s best if she sleeps alone for a while, heals up a bit. I don’t want to hurt her while we’re sleeping, and I would.” Steve gave a bitter smile. “Still don’t know my own strength.”
Bucky’s expression turned serious. “Steve, you would never willingly hurt that woman, and everyone on this ranch knows it. You’ve done it on accident a few times, but knowingly? Physically?” He shook his head. “You’d never do that.” He fell silent a minute. “I didn’t realize she was hurt that badly. She doesn’t show it much.”
“It’s bad. We’ve seen worse, but...” Steve shook his head.
“Shit.” Bucky set his book aside. “I’m glad you were there to help her.”
“So am I.” Steve sighed, before pulling off his shirt again, grunting slightly.
Bucky frowned. “You’ve bled through your bandage.”
“And I suppose you’re doing better?”
“As a matter of fact, I am. Let me go get the clean bandages Doc left. I’ll clean that up a bit, get a new bandage on you. The last thing we need is for that to get infected.”
Steve grimaced at the thought. “Don’t want that.” He agreed as Bucky got up and left the room, watching the other man go.