The world was coming to an end.
Maybe Bucky was being slightly over dramatic about that- the world as a whole probably was fine- but to the recently rehabilitated super soldier.. It sure felt like the end.
Things happened all too fast for Bucky, and it left his head reeling. But never even in his lowest points in life did he ever expect things to go down they way they had been fated to.
He never once thought he would stand in front of Steve as an enemy. Back in the forties when he spent all his free time pulling the rowdy little punk out of back alley brawls and comforting him through the tragic loss of his mother, working as many spare jobs as he could pick up to buy Steve medicine to fight his numerous ailments… he never in his wildest dreams imagined that he would ever stare down the barrel of a gun at that same man.
Granted he also never really factored falling from a train, losing his left arm, or becoming a genetically modified, brainwashed weapon into his life plans either but hell. Here he is.
The first time wasn’t really Bucky’s own fault. It had taken a lot of extensive hours of therapy with Sam Wilson and the rest of Steve’s other battle scarred friends for him to finally come to that conclusion but he now understood and accepted that the things he did, the lives he took, the blood he spilled...it wasn’t him.
Hydra was the one behind the gun pulling the trigger. Bucky was only the weapon. He hadn’t had a choice in anything. All the things they had done to him- hours of brainwashing and torture and pain.. He was hardly a human under their control.
Things got better for a while. After Steve had found him, he’d begun to slowly piece things back together. He had to rebuild his life from the rubble and ashes that were left scattered about, trying to fill the holes in his memory. Some would likely remain empty forever- gaps there where Hydra had permanently taken parts of Bucky away from himself. But others were coming along. He could remember more now. Or at least he could function as a semi normal human being again.
Steve had played a big part in that. He’d stayed up for hours with Bucky in the beginning, sitting in hotel rooms and looking through articles on the internet, holed up in back corners of libraries reading old history textbooks about Captain America and the Howling Commandos, just..talking to him about everything he remembered. Everything he wanted his best friend to remember.
Bucky had thought things would have gone back to normal. Things were still tense after the fight with Tony Stark- Steve had not yet found his peace with what happened and Bucky knew it was bothering him far more than he let on- but it had been quiet for the two ex soldiers and Bucky only wished things could have stayed like that forever. It felt almost like he was home again. Like he had found somewhere he belonged and that he could really just be okay.
So of course that was when Steve started acting..distant.
Bucky had originally figured it was natural. He was safe, Hydra had essentially fallen silent again, and the Avengers weren’t really a thing anymore to occupy Steve’s time so he really had just assumed that Steve was aiming for a little self discovery and rebuilding of his own.
But the time gaps he spent gone were getting longer and longer.. The halls of their once again shared Brooklyn apartment were growing colder to the man who now only craved warmth. Steve’s presence had been like a burning fireplace in Bucky’s life and now that flame was going out and he didn’t know how to stop the cold from taking over.
Steve had started leaving his shield behind. Started wearing more black. His hair had grown out as well as his facial hair. He didn’t look the same and Bucky was growing nervous as to what it meant. But he was too scared to ask.
Steve didn’t talk to him anymore. They would exchange a passing glance at the breakfast table sometimes before Steve would leave and Bucky would spend the rest of the day pacing around the small apartment wondering what he was doing wrong.
Why can’t I just talk to him? It’s Steve for Christsake. Just Steve..
Part of him kind of missed Hydra. At least the part where he didn’t concern himself with emotions. Not feeling was sort of a gift he realized after being stuck feeling so low now.
He considered talking to Sam but he didn’t want to bother the other man again. They had a tentative friendship built and Bucky wasn’t sure how pestering him about these stupid feelings would bode for that friendship. So he kept it to himself.
It started getting later. Midnight. Two am. Four am… Steve didn’t come home at all.
Bucky hoped he had just found a nice dame that he’d been taken with the way he’d had his breath stolen by Peggy Carter all those years ago.
It still hurt a little to think about that considering his own hidden feelings concerning Steve Rogers but..
He knew. Same way he knew that something bad was going to happen before he ever got on that train in World War Two. Bucky’s life was about to be flipped on it’s fragile axis again.
But just how, he had no idea.
`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`
The second and last time Bucky stood against Steve, it was also not his fault.
The dark stealth suit with bright red shoulder patch made Steve seem more broad and terrifying than he really was- or maybe it was just the concept of what was happening.
Bucky couldn’t believe it. Hell- he refused to believe it. Steve couldn’t be Hydra. He just couldn’t.
His best friend, his personal hero..the man he loved.. Steve couldn’t be Hydra.
“Steve.. Don’t.. Don’t do this..” his voice wavers, cracks.
The blond in front of him hardly seemed to recognize Bucky anymore. His normally light and loving blue eyes were dull and flat now- how Bucky had looked when he was with them.
“S-steve.. Why are you.. Why are you with them? What are you doing? A-after.. We fought them.. We won... “ Bucky could hardly form a coherent sentence right now. He was in shock. His heart was beating a broken and jagged rhythm in his chest and he could feel each painful thump in his wrists, hear it in his ears. This couldn’t be real. Wake up Bucky. Wake UP! This is just a nightmare!!
“Good dental plan.” Steve finally says with a carefree shrug, like he was talking about the weather outside as opposed to his frankly stupid reason for joining Hydra.
Bucky straightens his back and brushes a strand of his long hair behind his ear. Maybe he could still get through to him. Jokes had to be a good sign, right?
“You’re not gonna need a dental plan after I knock all your teeth out cause you’re bein an idiot.” he kept his voice as even and strong as he could even though he felt like a light breeze could blow him over right now. He knew Steve would see right through him.
“Fine. Good healthcare too.” a little smirk pulled the corners of his mouth but it looked so wrong. Robotic and cruel rather than the lovely and carefree smirk Bucky was used to seeing on his Stevie’s kind face.
“Not gonna need that if you’re dead.” The words nearly got caught in Bucky’s throat but they came out regardless.
That made Steve laugh and the sound was all wrong. “I can’t die, Buck. You know that.” his eyebrow quirks a little with glowing confidence and Bucky wanted to throw up. Steve had never been the type to really flaunt his own immortality. This was all so wrong. Wake up Buck.
“I can find a way. I love you Steve, but I would rather see you dead, than working for them. Being a mindless slave to their evil agenda.. It’s not you. And I won’t let it be.” the confession had slipped out without Bucky meaning it to. But it was too late to retract it.
“You’re a pussy, Buck. Really you are. You wouldn’t do anything about it.” the taller man heaves a deep sigh and leans against the wall behind him, crossing his legs a bit and his arms tuck over his chest, muscles bulging against the material of his new suit. Weather he had actually caught the comment about Bucky’s love or not was not directly addressed so Bucky decided it was best to leave it be.
A nerve was struck inside the passive man. “How do you figure?” he stands up straighter to counter Steve’s stance. “You’re the one who is willingly surrendering yourself to pure evil. I didn’t have the choice!”
The light smile on Steve’s face turned to an absolutely sickening expression. The smirk of the devil. “At least I still maintain a sense of duty and of who I am. You? Little shock to the brain and boom! Who the hell is Bucky? No one knows!” he laughs merrily.
Bucky recoils, his heart splintering in his chest. It was getting harder to breathe. “You have a choice Steve. And you’re making the wrong one.” He needed to keep a level head or it was over for him. He couldn’t let him get to him.
“I’m not Captain America anymore. I can do whatever I want.” was that what this was? A little streak of rebellion? A middle finger to Tony? To Bucky himself for unintentionally saddling Steve down with his issues?
“That is Hydra talking, Steve. You don’t mean it. You’re still a good man. I can never go back from what happened to me. Never unsee the blood I spilled, unfeel the pain I caused.. Don’t do this to yourself. You’re making the choice to turn against everything you ever believed in.” Bucky’s voice sounded far away to himself, like he was hearing it through a tunnel.
Steve’s eyes turn and lock right on Bucky’s- a wolf staring down his helpless prey. “Oh Bucky. Poor sweet little Bucky. You really don’t understand anything, do you?”
“I understand that my best friend wouldn’t do this.” he was grasping at straws to keep himself sane.
“Best friend? Aww Bucky I’m hurt! Didn’t you just say that you loved me? Didn’t know that was a conditional statement.” he flutters his eyelashes and Bucky wanted to punch him. His cold laugh felt like little knives tearing into his newly healed heart, cutting deeper and deeper with every beat.
He was half surprised that he didn't have blood dripping down his chest from how much it felt like a physical wound.
“Yeah. I love Steve Rogers. The man who does stupid things to save innocent people's lives even at the risk of losing his own. The man who hated Hydra and everything about it- and the man who would never give up on his values no matter what. That’s who I fell in love with.” How am I still talking? My mouth is moving but I can’t hear what I’m saying.. What is going on..?
Steve glances at the clock and clicks his tongue lightly, pushing off the wall and stalking predatorily towards Bucky. “Time’s up, Buck. You ate the cookies I brought home and set on the table, didn’t you? Oh sweetie. I’m disappointed that your Hydra training has failed you so badly. I thought this would be more of a challenge.”
Bucky presses himself back against the wall and whimpers softly against his will as his body his crowded against the wall by Steve’s powerful frame. “What is happening Steve?” I can’t feel my body anymore..
“Just close your eyes Bucky. It’ll all be over soon.” Steve whispers in such a soft and lulling voice that he couldn’t help but listen, leaning his head into where Steve brushed his fingers across this cheekbone and tucked his hair behind his ears. “Welcome to the end of the line, pal.” Bucky feels more than hears the words from where Steve laid a lingering kiss to his forehead before the world spun out of control and the lights went out of Bucky’s eyes, body falling limply into Steve’s arms.
Wake up Bucky.
`-`-`-`-`-`-`
The pain was familiar.
He knew where he was. He knew what was happening.
Bucky knew he was not going to wake up again.
I want to go home. Take me away.. Please. Let this all be a nightmare. Please let me wake up in Steve and I’s little apartment with Steve snoring in the next room like the meatball he is.
This isn't real.
This can't be real.
I want to go home.
~~~~~~~
Steve stood off to the side of the room, arms crossed over his chest and a small smile on his face as he watches the process occurring in front of him. The pained and panicked screams music to his ears.
The body in the chair was thrashing as they turn up the intensity of the electric shocks being sent into the man's head.
There was a time he would have killed anyone who dared lay a hand on Bucky Barnes. And before that there was a time when he never would have wanted to kill anyone no matter what. But now both those times had long since past.
“Soldat?” the scientist kneeling in front of the chair asks, pulling Steve from his thoughts.
There was a pause and deep, labored breaths from the man in the chair, his form still subtly trembling but only Steves highly trained eyes likely noticed it.
“готов к выполнению.”
Finally. There are the words Bucky needed to be free.
“Welcome home, Soldat. We’re glad to have you back.”
And Steve smiles wider. The light had gone out of Bucky Barnes’ eyes for the last time because now- there was no one that was going to save him.
~Bucky had been right. In the end- the world had not come to a full stop. Things went on as usual for most people.
But for the man previously known as Captain America and for Bucky Barnes, it did come to a screeching halt.
Their memories and all that made them who they were had been long since blown to bits by Hydra, their humanity ripped from them bit by bit until there was nothing left.
Steve dropped the red white and blue shield for good and now wielded a machine gun similar to Bucky’s own. The Winter Soldier and Captain Hydra. The faces of Hydra. The faces of the end.
“Till the end of the line, pal.”
If only they had known how the end of that line would have looked when they made that promise.