« Y/N »
Sitting in front of a large glass wall, the woman starred attentively at the landscape before her eyes. She couldn’t remember the last time she had seen such peaceful beauty. Protected inside the King T’Challa’s secret base, buried deep in the wild forest of Wakanda, she was mesmerized by the sight. There were so much colors blending under the sun’s lights, so much life. This was the only place she could find to ease her mind. She had starred at those same trees all day long, lost in her ache, desperately trying to delay what was bound to happen.
« You’ve been out here for hours now » She heard her friend say above her.
« I know » She whispered in a small voice.
« They’re almost ready »
« I’m not sure I can do it » She muttered.
« I know you’re worried about him »
« Hm … Worried doesn’t even begin to cover it, Steve » She shook her head, still entranced by the sight outside the walls.
She felt his hand on her shoulder, a comforting gesture to try and reassure her somehow.
« I’m scared » She admitted in a breath.
« I know the feeling »
He knelt down beside her, his eyes traveling on the splendid spectacle of colors in front of them.
« I like this place » He told her, making the woman smile. She knew he was trying to deviate the conversation, to help her delay the pain of her heart breaking.
Leaning her head on his shoulder, she took a deep breath as her gaze followed the birds flying from one tree to another.
« Y/N … » He started, his voice barely a murmur.
« Don’t say it, Steve »
« I’m hurting too » He confessed. « But this is his choice »
His hand squeezed hers when he felt her tears wetting his shirt.
« He remembered something last night » She told him in a quiet voice.
« What was it ? »
« Did I ever told you how we met ? » She asked.
« No. I saw how close you were, I didn’t need any explanation » He affirmed.
« I was his mission » She confessed, making Steve straightened in surprise. «The day we met, he tried to kill me… Last night, he remembered the gun he pointed at me, he remembered almost shooting me »
« Y/N … »
« I know this is the best decision, I know we have to do it. I know … Steve, I know we can’t afford for the Winter Soldier to come back. There is a thousand reasons why this is what has to be done, but all those reasons seem so vain to me. »
She angrily brushed the tears on her face, turning to look at the Captain.
« I know this is what he wants » She insisted. « But it doesn’t make it right. »
« Are you going to say goodbye ? » He asked after a minute.
« I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that » She admitted.
« You’re gonna break his heart »
« His heart is already broken, Steve. Hydra made sure to tore it into pieces. »
He gently stroked her arm, silently agreeing with her statement. There wasn’t much left of his best friend, but he was still here, and he owed it to the woman sitting beside him.
« You see that door behind us ? » He questioned her.
She turned around and looked at the white door where the word ‘Lab’ was inscribed in black letters. She didn’t need him to say anything, she already knew what was behind those walls.
« He’s waiting for you » He continued. « I get what you’re saying and I agree with every single word you said, but, behind this door, he’s waiting to say goodbye to the only person who’s ever believed in him. I might not get this bond tightly linking you to one another, but I know you both need this. You can’t let him go like this, Y/N. I know it hurts, it will take all your strength to let him go, but you need to see him, one last time. Trust me when I say you will regret it if you don’t. I waited too long to tell Peggy how much she meant to me, and look where that got me. Don’t make the same mistake, Y/N. For both your sakes »
« I must be one hell of a mess to deserve a speech from Captain America himself » She lightly joked, trying not to break in front of him.
This whole situation was too much for her to handle. She had learned to fight, to resist, no matter the cause, no matter the opponent, she was taught to always be the best version of herself. She was not weak, she was a weapon, designed for battle. This flow of emotions invading her was too much, she was drowning inside the pain. Because she had let her guard down, Bucky Barnes had infiltrated every inch of her being, taken place inside her heart. She was blinded by the force of her feelings for him. She had fought for him, along side with him, and she had lost him to Hydra countless times. Each of those moments had tore her apart. She had watched his mind being tortured, again and again. Powerless against his demons, she had anxiously waited for him to come back from his own prison, scared it might have been one time too many.
She slowly got up, deciding to bite back her feelings and go see him. Without a word, Steve followed her as she walked to the white door.
Instinctively, she took a step back when he was about to open it. Steve stopped the moment she backed away and gently grabbed her hand.
« Ready ? » He quietly asked.
She shook her head, taking a deep breath. The Captain sadly smiled, doing his best to comfort his friend. He took his time to open the door, giving her one last second to prepare herself.
« Ah ! Captain ! » A man in a white lab coat called. « Everything is settle. We can begin whenever you want »
« I’m going to need you to clear the room for a couple minutes, gentlemen » The Captain ordered.
« What’s going on, Steve ? » The patient asked, worriedly looking at his friend as the doctors quickly got out.
« There’s someone here to see you, Buck’ »
Steve tugged the woman into the room before she could have the chance to change her mind and run.
Sitting on a medical bed, with only one arm and several tubes hooked up to him, Bucky was surprised to see her. He immediately noticed her puffy eyes, only visible sign of sadness. She was standing straight, looking at an imaginary point behind him. Not one detail could give away the internal struggle she was facing. Bucky could see past that facade, she was an open book to him, and the way she stubbornly stared behind him broke his heart. He could see the hesitation behind her gaze, guess the pain that was slowly settling within her because of him.
« I didn’t think you’d come » He cautiously stated.
« Neither did I, but we both know how much of a smooth talker Captain America is » She responded, addressing a smile to Steve as the man step aside to give them privacy.
They didn’t talk for a while, starring at anything but each other. She was doing her best to keep her emotions at bay but the overwhelming need to be close to him kept getting stronger.
« Does it hurt ? » She demanded, nodding toward his missing limb.
« No » He honestly replied.
« I’m sorry you went though that again »
« I’m not. It’s better this way » He confessed.
She pursed her lips, not daring to answer. She could feel the anger boiling inside her. She was mad at him for giving up the fight, mad at Hydra for crushing their life once again, mad at herself for letting him in, for falling for the Winter Soldier.
« What’s gonna happen now ? » She fearfully asked in a broken voice.
« I’m going to sleep, hopefully long enough for them to figure out how to block out Hydra from my head» He told her. « And you, Y/N, you’re going to be just fine »
« I’m not so sure about that » She whispered, quickly brushing a tear that had just fallen.
« I know you, Y/N. You were always the strongest one, always getting back up, no matter what was being thrown at you. You can’t let that change, you can’t let me change you »
« You already have, Bucky » She admitted in a strangle breath.
He sweetly smiled before reaching out for her. She quickly shorten the distance between them and took his hand. None of them needed to talk. Gazing into each others eyes, they stayed in the same position, their hands entwined, her body between his legs, their faces close to one another. She could see the emptiness in his stare, the desperate need for an ounce of hope, the devastation of his broken soul. Her heart ache for him when she thought of everything he had gone through. Bucky Barnes would be forever wounded by the action of the Winter Soldier, his mind was trapped inside a cage where he was reliving each memories infinitely, remembering each name he had scratched. He never told her that, among everything he recalled from his past life, the very first torture session performed to rob him of his identity was one of them. He could still feel the agony rushing through him, but the heavy weight of guilt on his conscience had done more damage than the pain he had been forced to endure. He hadn’t said anything, and he didn’t need to, because she knew. Every time she looked back, his overwhelming sorrow became hers and his obsessional fear of losing control crushed them both. He was possessed by the Winter Soldier and Bucky Barnes was no match against the Soldat.
« No one can hurt you now » She reassured him, sweetly stroking his cheek.
« I know » He whispered, his voice trembling.
« I’ll stay with you, Bucky » She promised. « I’ll watch over you »
« I don’t want you to »
She tilted her head, waiting for his explanation.
« You have a whole life waiting for you, Y/N. I don’t want you to be held back. You need to live your life the way you did before we met. You are an Avenger now, a hero. There is a world out there that needs you. They will see how amazing and strong you are, they will see you through my eyes. You are my hero, Y/N. Now is the time for you to be theirs. »
« You say that like this is the last time I’ll ever see you » She brokenly spoke, her gaze searching his.
« It is »
« No … »
She violently took a step back, putting some distance between them as the tears she had tried so hard to held back flowed freely on her face.
« You can’t say that, you can’t leave letting me think this is our last conversation, no, no, James you can’t … »
« Then I would lie » He replied softly, as if afraid to frighten her.
« You’re breaking my heart, Bucky Barnes » She confessed.
« I never meant to hurt you. I’m … I have to protect you, even if it is from myself. I can’t let anything happen to you, Y/N »
She shook her head, not wanting to argue with him. There was a lot of unsaid feelings between them, but they never doubted each others loyalty. During the years she had known him, they had never crossed the line, had always remained friends. She helped him remember the man he once was, she fought for his identity, and in the process, she fell for the broken man. The Winter Soldier was never a villain to her, it was a name that had much more meaning than being an enemy. He was a fail experiment Steve and Y/N had brought back to life, a man Hydra had taken as a puzzle, scattering each pieces, scratching each lines. They had made him empty, created a void of true emotions. They had shut him down, tore Bucky Barnes and reprogrammed his mind to be a weapon. He had became Hydra caged animal and making him escape from his mental prison was her greatest accomplishment.
« Tell me again this is the right decision » She begged him, trembling. It was taking everything within her not to completely break down.
« It isn’t » He admitted, making her raised her head in surprise. « The right decision would have been to kill me when you had the chance »
She closed her eyes, pained by the force of his sincerity.
« I could never do that »
« I know » He smiled. « And I can’t trust my own mind, so, until they figure out how to get this stuff out of my head, I think going back under is the best thing. For everybody »
She pursed her lips, not wanting to voice her opinion out loud. Bucky was stubborn, just like she was. His decision was settled, she knew she couldn’t stop that.
« I’m going to miss you » He admitted quietly.
« Not as much as I’ll miss you »
She stepped in front of him, cupping his face when she saw his expression harden.
« What is it, Bucky ? » She worriedly questioned him.
« I’m … »
He shook his head, not wanting to admit what had just crossed his mind. She grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at her.
« Tell me » She gently ordered, making him smile.
« Always so bossy » He lightly joked.
« Don’t deflect the conversation, Barnes. Tell me what’s wrong »
« … I’m scared » He confessed, his eyes looking at anything but hers. The Winter Soldier had never seem so innocent and torn.
« You don’t have do to it, Bucky » She assured him. « At least not today. We can wait if you’re not ready »
« I’m not talking about that, Y/N. I’m ready to get back in cryo »
« Then what is it ? What are you afraid of ? » She persisted, not understanding what he meant.
« Forgetting you » He admitted. « I am … frightened, freaked out actually, by the idea of losing the memories of you »
She was speechless for a moment, taken aback by his confession.
« I know this isn’t Hydra, and the torture’s over but … the last time I did that, I didn’t remember who I was. » He started. « It’s irrational but … I’m afraid the moment I’ll close my eyes, the memories will fade. You will just … disappear. I can’t let you become one of the lost pieces. You made me hang on, all this time. You were my way back to reality, Y/N. I … I won’t survive if I lose that. You built a whole world for me, you made me stronger than I ever was and … I will…»
« Bucky, stop » She pleaded.
« Promise me you’ll be alright, that even if I don’t remember … »
« That won’t happen » She cut him firmly.
« If I become the Winter Soldier again, you have to kill me » He seriously said, starring furiously back at her.
« I won’t do that ! » She practically shouted. « My god, Bucky, you are not going to forget me »
« How do you know ? Nobody can tell the expand of what Hydra has done »
« You’re right b… »
« See ! » He added before she could continue. « You just admitted it was a possibility. »
« That’s not what I said. Now, would you please stop this crap ! »
« Y/N, I have nothing to hang on but memories. If I lose them, I lose everything!»
« You won’t lose anything, Bucky »
« You don’t know that » He yelled, frustrated. « Nobody can guaranty all the moments we lived will stay in my memory. I could forget the conversations we had, just like that. With time, you could fade, and everything we built will crash, like … like we never even tried to put that life behind me ! »
« Bucky … »
« No, listen to me, Y/N … »
« Shut up ! Just shut up, Barnes ! »
Tired of his vain fight, she grabbed his face pushing him toward her. Softly, their lips touched. Her mouth was hard on his, unyielding, nervous, waiting for a reaction. When, finally, his lips softened against hers, she grabbed his shirt, pushing his body even closer than he already was. She could feel his heart hammering against her hand and her whole body was melting, consumed by his kiss. They both could feel the rush of adrenaline running through them. Their moment was suspended, out of time, so precious they would have done anything to preserve it.
When she realized what she had done, she took a quick step back, out of breath. She couldn’t dare to look at him, too scared he wouldn’t reciprocate her feelings.
« My god, have I gone too far ? » She muttered, more to herself than to him.
Her eyes closed, she attempted to calm her fast heart rate. Her whole body seemed ignite by fire and she was sure that if Bucky’s hand wasn’t tightly clasped on her hip, her legs would have most likely given out.
Before she could even process what was happening, he leaned closer, his mouth just inches from her.
« No » He answered, smiling, before locking their lips once again.
« Remember that » She whispered, breathless, leaning her forehead against his. « Every time you feel the memories fading, remember me »
Without any warning, he hugged the woman as tightly as he could. He desperately needed to memorize every curves and every inches, to keep locked in his mind the sweet scent of lavender he could smell in the crock of her neck, the softness of her curls falling on her shoulders. She felt like a dream, out of reach, pigment of his imagination.
« Bucky, it’s time » They heard Steve call behind them.
Reluctantly, they let go of each other. Bucky stepped up, smiling down at the woman he loved. Entwining their hands, they walked to the center of the room where the doctors were already working on the abominable machine.
He could feel the apprehension of the woman beside him as she slowly stopped, trying to quickly wipe the tears off her face before he could notice.
When he took a step away from her, she bit back a sob, clasping a hand on her mouth. His chest was tightening every time he looked at her. He was ready to give up, turn back and run with her, but, every time he remembered the man Hydra made of him, he knew the best solution was to be put away. She wouldn’t be safe as long as there was a chance for the Winter Soldier to hurt her and he loved her too much to take any risks.
She silently watched as they hooked him up to the machine, not bothering to hide her sadness anymore.
The Captain, just behind her, put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
« You’re gonna be alright » He assured her.
« You know that’s not true » She whispered.
He didn’t answer, knowing no word he could ever say would ease their pain. He sadly looked back at Bucky and felt his heart breaking for his best friend when he saw the way he starred at her. He didn’t flinch as the needles were shoved in his arms, didn’t showed any sign of pain when they tightened the straps around him, his gaze was always on her. For the first time since Steve had known him, Bucky Barnes cried. He was about to lose his touch with reality.
« You take care of her for me, punk » Bucky brokenly told his friend.
« I will » The Captain promised.
Y/N stood in front of him, waiting for the doctors to turn the device on.
« Y/N ? » Bucky called.
She raised her head, his face blurry for a moment because of the flowing tears on her face.
« I lo … »
« Don’t say it » She cut him, begging, her voice barely a whisper.
He softly smiled, his eyes never leaving hers.
« You need to hear it before I go »
She shook her head. Brick by brick, her walls were tumbling down. There was an enormous gaping wound slowly taking place inside her heart.
« No » She tried to smile. « Save it, Barnes. You’ll say it when you’ll wake up »
« It might be a while » He sadly replied.
« I will wait »
They both knew that time would most likely never come, but they both needed something to hold onto. It was a mirage, an illusion, an unachievable dream, but they needed to believe it was possible for that fake reality to be true.
« I will remember you » He firmly guaranteed as they closed the glass door around him.
« I know »
« I will find you, Y/N. Wherever you are, I promise to find you »
She smiled, keeping that last image of him engraved in her heart.
« Until then, Bucky Barnes »
They kept starring at each other as the doctors turned the machine on. All too soon, a white smoke started to surround him. She could swore she saw him mouthing the three words she had kept him from saying and, finally, she broke. She tried to clasp onto something, anything, to hold onto and, before she could fall, Steve was beside her, hugging her tightly. Overcome by a wave of emotions, she let go. All the defenses she had worked so hard to keep on washed away in her tears. As much as she tried to hold it on, the pain came out like an uproar from her throat in the form of a silent scream. He was gone, her whole world was shattered, it had turned into a blur.
She didn’t even notice when Steve carried her to another room, settling her down on a couch. He stayed next to her as she cried her heart out, wishing he could have done something for her and Bucky.
Gently, he put a blanket on her, stroking her back. There wasn’t any word to ease her grief. Being beside her, showing her he was there was enough.
Several hours later, when, finally, she had calm down, she had sneaked out of the room, going back to the glass wall. The landscape seemed to have lost its colors. Her world was turning gray. Everything single thing around her seemed as lifeless as she felt.
« I knew I’d find you here » Steve said as he walked into the room, leaning against the wall, next to her.
« It’s quiet » She hoarsely whispered. « And peaceful »
« Hm »
They stayed there, in the same position, watching the trees and the waterfall, trying to find beauty in pain.
« I’m sorry, Steve »
« What for ? »
« You lost him too, again »
He softly smiled, turning to her.
« He’ll come back » He assured her.
« I wish I could believe that »
« We might wait years, but I’m sure we’ll see him again »
She didn’t want to contradict him. As much as it was painful to admit it to herself, she was lost the man she loved and Steve had, once again, lost his family. The Captain needed time to grief his friend once again, she wasn’t going to force it on him.
« Hm … You’re going back to the Avengers ? » She asked, changing the conversation.
« Yes. The war is not over »
« When is it ever over, Captain ? » She joked, happy to see him crack a small laugh.
« You’re coming with us ? »
« I have to watch over Bucky »
He gently took her hand, squeezing it as he forced her to face him.
« He told you not to, Y/N »
« When have I ever listen to him ? » She stubbornly stated.
« You’re hurting yourself »
« Trust me, there’s nothing left to hurt »
He frowned, preparing himself to give her a thousand reason as to why her place was with the Avengers, fighting back against the enemy.
« Don’t try to convince me to go with you, Steve » She smiled when she saw his face, deeply focusing on what he wanted to say. « I won’t leave him. The government is still looking for him »
« I know » He sighed.
« Don’t worry » She continued, nudging him. « I won’t let anything happen to him »
« There’s no one I trust more than you when it comes to Bucky »
« Really ? » She seemed surprise by his sudden admission. « Why ? »
« You love him. »
« Hm … I wish it could be that simple »
« It sure seems simple enough for me. You both love each other. I saw the way he starred at you in there. It’s the same way you stare at him, like nothing else around you mean anything without each other »
She brushed a fresh tear, turning to look at the landscape once again.
« They put him to sleep for god knows how long, and even if he wakes up, he will be hunt down. Falling in love with the Winter Soldier is not what I would call simple. There is no happy ending here, no version of this story where we could be together. We’re both broken people, with broken hearts. » She confessed, her eyes following the course of the waterfall. « Truth is, Rogers, none of us was ever meant to be happy »