"You know... denying the truth and running away from your feelings isn't quite healthy, now is it?"
The question was followed with heavy silence from the young girl sitting across the room, who made no move to talk or open up like the man who asked the question had hoped she would.
The therapist waited for a response, but when it was clear he wasn't going to get one, he let a sigh escape his lips, as he rubbed his chin in thought, hoping he could think of some way to get her to talk.
His eyes darted up to observe his patient, whose eyes were glued to the floor, it didn't surprise him, because he knew she didn't like eye contact, and if not making eye contact would make her more comfortable, he was fine with letting her do so, it didn't bother him anyways.
The thing that did bother him, however, was her lack of interest in opening up or getting the proper help she needed to support her feelings, since that was the whole point of therapy, and if she didn't participate or want to get better, then it was utterly pointless and a waste of time, for the both of them.
He wondered why the patients parents even signed her up for therapy, if they couldn't even be bothered to come themselves, but his patients personal life wasn't exactly his business, unless they shared it with him, if he forced it out of them, that would not only be immoral, but it wouldn't help build trust with each other, so there was no reason to ask, unless he knew the patient wanted to share.
He clicked his pen, which caught the patients attention, and forced them to lock eyes, for a fraction of a second before she looked back down at the floor.
"Seems like you already know that, though... You're a teenager after all, you're not stupid." He spoke, while trying to gauge her reaction.
Yet, the patient still didn't say anything, which irritated him a little, but he kept his cool, and instead decided to fold his arms.
"Listen, I don't get why you're here if you don't want any help, the whole point in therapy is to get better and have a professionals opinion, is it not?"
He got no response.
He let out a breath through his nose before saying, "I know how it's like to be a teenager, it's... horrendous, you're going through puberty, changing, and trying to find who you are, while being in high school— well, you're still in middle school, but, middle school isn't all that great either, it's full of bullies who are just trying to be the funniest or most popular, who truly don't care about anyone else's feelings other than their own, and on top of that, middle school is the stage where most people get their first crushes, of course, they don't last, and aren't that important in the grand scheme of things, but it still happens. Being a teenager is hard, sure, but it's apart of life and everyone goes through it, you're lucky enough to be getting possible help with it, but you just don't want to accept it... Why?"
Even after his long speech, she stayed silent, but this time, she settled with nervously playing with her hands instead of staring at the ground, so it was somewhat of an improvement, but it still wasn't enough.
"Marcy.... If you're not willing to talk, just tell me upfront, it saves time for the both of us."
The girl looked up at the sound of her name, she looked somewhat uncertain on what she should do.
"I... Um-" She tried to speak, which made the therapist somewhat smile in approval, before he dropped back to his monotone face.
A few seconds passed that felt like hours to the girl, before she swallowed the nervous lump in her throat.
"Sorry... I'm not trying to be difficult, it's just- hard... for me to open up and talk about my feelings with other people that aren't An- um, never mind, but you know what I mean, right?" The raven-haired girl said, while looking up for the first time the whole session.
"Kid, I'm a therapist that deals with people who struggle with their emotions all the time, it's kinda my job to 'know what you mean'." He said, rather bluntly.
Marcy was a bit taken aback by his straight-forwardness but quickly relaxed and let out a small laugh.
"Yeah... I guess it is,"
A silence passed between them, but this time, it wasn't unpleasant or awkward, it was actually surprisingly... comfortable.
Marcy cleared her throat, and clasped her hands together, "My friend, Sasha, actually wants to be a therapist of some sorts... I gotta say, I respect that a lot because I cannot imagine having to deal with not only my own dumb feelings but a bunch of other peoples too."
The therapist hummed, but let her continue on.
"I can hardly understand and cope with my own, so I guess being a therapist wouldn't be all that smart of me..."
"Well, you're speaking about the present and current time, who knows how you'll be in one, five or even ten years in the future, you're not gonna stay the same person forever, after all."
Marcy slowly nodded in agreement, "Yeah... I guess that's kinda what scares me."
"How so?"
"I.... I mean, I know I wont be the same person forever, and I'm certainly not the same person I was when I was a kid— like ten, for example, but it's scary that I know so little about myself, in general and in the grand scheme of things. I'm always finding out new things about me, and I truly don't know myself and probably never will, discovering new things about myself is scary, honestly, because no one truly knows me... not even myself, really, you know?"
The therapist was rather quiet for Marcy's liking before he eventually spoke.
"I've never heard an analogy about life and being a human, quite like that one... And honestly? You're correct, you don't know yourself fully, but that's what gives life a meaning! If you were the same person and knew every aspect about yourself all throughout your life, it'd grow rather tiresome to be alive, wouldn't it?"
Before Marcy could speak, he kept going.
"And, it's not necessarily true when you say others don't know you, I mean— I don't mean in your case, specifically, but if you let someone in, and befriend someone, they're bound to learn about and study you, even if isn't intentionally, it's in our nature to study others, you just get to choose whether you want to help the person piece together the entire puzzle that makes you, you."
"Life is about discovering yourself and giving it meaning, maybe not everyone will agree with that definition, but I certainly believe it's true." He said, speaking in a softer tone.
"I... never really thought of it that way..."
"You're a kid, so it's expected for you not to ponder about stuff like the meaning of life, which is a good thing, kind of."
Marcy smiled, but it soon faded as she let out a sigh.
"Something weighing on your mind?"
"I... nothing, it's stupid." She said, with a small shake of the head.
"It's not stupid if it's affecting you, and you shouldn't be so quick to dismiss your own feelings, you know? Your feelings are important too."
"Easier said than done, it's hard to do that when I grew up in a home where we don't talk about mental health and stuff like that..."
"Okay... Well, think about it this way; you wouldn't dismiss and downplay someone's else feelings, so you shouldn't do it to yourself either."
"I'll try, I guess."
The therapist wasn't convinced by Marcy unenthusiastic tone.
"Well, going back to our earlier topic, it's not healthy to deny the truth and run away from your feelings, Marcy."
"I know that—"
"Why is it so difficult to let yourself be happy?"
That question rung through the air, and struck a cord inside Marcy.
"What?"
"You're self-sabotaging, you don't want to get help, or maybe you do, but you can't bring yourself to because it makes you appear 'weak'."
That statement angered Marcy more than it should've. He didn't mean it as a bad thing, but it sure felt like it.
"You know nothing about my life, you di—"
Before she could finish her sentence, she bit her tongue and stopped herself.
"I must've hit a nerve... that wasn't my intention, but letting your emotions out, even anger, is good, as long as you're not hurting anyone, of course."
Marcy stayed quiet, to try to calm herself down.
"As I was saying, accepting your feelings is hard, but if it takes such a toll on you to deny them, then is it really so bad to accept them? You shouldn't run away from the truth either way, it comes back to you in the end."
"It's not that simple, I wish it was but it just isn't, I wish I could accept my feelings, I wish I wasn't such a weakling and could face the truth, but... I just can't."
"Care to enlighten me why?"
Marcy glared at the man, "I was getting there,"
He held his hands up in defeat before he gestured for her to continue.
She let out a sigh before glancing at her hands, to see two different-colored hearts that her and someone else had drawn.
"I guess, I'm just... scared, my parents never really cared for my feelings and, no one else really does either, maybe... maybe this one friend, but if they found out how I felt about them- if they found out I like them, they'd probably get freaked out and would never wanna talk to me again! So... I just— it's not worth the risk. The cons outweigh the pros."
"But life is all about risks, why can't you take this one risk to better yourself?"
"It's too risky, I'd rather never tell them how I feel and stay friends with this person than tell them how I feel and have them out of my life, forever.... If we're friends, at least I still have them in my life, you know?"
The man hummed, before speaking, "I get your thought-process, but if this person is really so great, then they wouldn't throw your friendship away over you having a crush on them, that's just absurd."
"I wouldn't blame her if she did..." Marcy mumbled, not realizing her slip-up.
But once she did, it was already too late. Her eyes widened and she quickly looked to the therapist, wondering how'd he react.
She honestly expected him to be disgusted, weirded-out, or even disappointed, but when she looked up, she saw none of those emotions, in fact, he was pretty indifferent about it.
"Why'd you stop talking?" He asked, not understanding her sudden silence.
Marcy blinked, she was sure she was imagining this, but after another minute of silence, she sat up straighter.
"Did... Did you hear what I said?"
"Yeah, something about not blaming the girl you like for being weirded out, which is absurd."
Marcy stayed quiet, processing the whole thing, she had accidentally outed herself to her therapist, but he didn't seem bothered by it.
"Marcy, did you seriously expect me to lash out about you being gay? I deal with tons of patients, they're not all gonna be straight, so it's not a shocker."
"You're really not mad?" She whispered in disbelief.
"I don't see why I would be, but no."
Marcy blinked, and shook her head, "Yeah... sorry, I guess I expected— never mind."
"Is this why you don't want to tell the person you like, you like them? Because she's a girl, and you're also a girl? You're afraid she'd react negatively?"
Marcy hesitated before nodding.
"Well... that's not an irrational fear, it makes sense why you're worried, but if she drops you just for liking her, then you would've dodged a bullet."
"But— that's not the worst thing that could happen! She could out me to the school! She could bully me- which in turn would make others bully me!"
"She could but would she?"
"Well... no, but—"
"Then what are you so worried about? Even if you don't ask her out, you should accept your feelings for her! It's the first step to getting over her, if you want to, that is."
"But, it might make things weird between us, at least for me."
"Well, that's just another thing about crushes, you love 'em, but you also hate 'em. Anyways, it won't be as bad as you're worrying about, kid."
Marcy stayed quiet.
"Anyways, I can't force you to accept yourself, that's something you have to do on your own, but my reaction to you liking a girl must've been relieving, even if you didn't mean to tell me, wasn't it?"
"I-I guess it was, yeah."
"Then, it'll feel even better when you finally let go of the worries and accept you like this girl! You don't have to do anything or even ask her out, but just accepting is brave enough, okay?"
He gave her a reassuring smile, before tearing his eyes away from her and looking at the clock.
"Well... our hour is up, but it was great seeing you this time, Marcy! You actually made some progress and even talked! Hopefully you keep this up, yeah?" He said, getting up and opening the door for her.
Marcy followed after him, and nodded along, "Yeah, I'll try."
"That's all you can do, really," He said, as she walked out of the session and out of his view.
He didn't know if Marcy would keep her promise, but the fact that she opened up was progress, he hoped she would let herself be happy.
And as Marcy left the building after signing out, she glanced at her hand, to see the blue and green hearts staring back at her, but before she could contemplate her feelings more, she heard her name called.
"Marcy!"
Her eyes immediately searched for the person who called her, only to be met with those blue eyes that felt like home.
Anne quickly jogged over to Marcy and interlocked their fingers together, making the ravenette's cheeks flush red.
"How'd it go?" Anne asked, tilting her head with a concerned look in her eyes, she knew about Marcy's therapy sessions and usually accompanied her, but this time, she decided to wait outside.
Marcy paused for a second before smiling, "It actually went really well... I learned more about myself too."
Anne broke out into a smile because of that and pulled Marcy into a hug, much to the clumsy girl's surprise.
"That's good to hear, Mar-Mar." She murmured into her shoulder.
Marcy let herself relax and melted into the hug, she was no longer gonna deny her feelings at this point on.
They stayed in each other's arms, neither wanting to let go.
And Marcy knew now, that she couldn't deny that she liked Anne Boonchuy.
Would she ever tell her? Probably not.
But was she okay with liking her? Yeah, she was more than okay with it.