Chapter 8
Krista had had a taste of Berlin once when she was twelve. Thank to her father who had let her attend Berlin Phil's performance in exchange for a forgotten birthday present. Of course, the performance had exceeded her wildest imagination. Simon Rattle's majestic lead had her even more inspired to pursue a future in classical music. Everything else about the city, she didn't remember much though. She recalled promising herself to revisit, enjoying the city, preferably as an invited musician for the Philharmonic. Now she was in the area again after so long, she still couldn't appreciate the exceptional range of landmarks. Her glance kept on returning to the woman in charge of the wheel. Her mind buzzed.
Sharon didn't talk much; answering only a mere handful of Krista's million questions. When Sharon chose not to answer, there was always a little tilt of her head, a rise of her eyebrows, or a ghost of a smile slightly tugging the corners of those lips. To add more, there was Sharon's way of answering privy stuff without giving too much away. And if the whole dodging-the-obvious game didn't upset Krista so much, those quirks would have her attracted to Sharon. If time and Lydia Tár were not coming between them, she would love to know Sharon more.
Yes. Krista could feel her initial judgments dissolving in the steadiness of Sharon Goodnow and damn, she felt stupid for it.
It felt even more stupid to keep inquiring, to slightly fell for the mysterious side of this woman who was supposed to be her rival. Krista kept going though, giving in to the craving of knowing more. She ached for Sharon to bring up Lydia's name, to sound desperate. Yet miles passed by with none of those two things and Sharon started to feel like an undefeatable giant. Krista had a thing for giants. There was something about watching them fall on their knees for her.
To annoy Sharon, Krista even asked to keep her phone. The plan bit Krista back when Sharon gave the phone in almost too easily. The many calls coming in from Lydia didn't help either. Krista ended up chucking the phone into the glove compartment and was forced to focus back on Sharon instead. The woman was driving quietly as if this was a road trip with a childhood friend. So fucking calm. So fucking smart at not falling on her knees.
“How did you know about me?” Krista changed tactics. Faking ignorant by staring at the passing buildings, she put herself on the line. Maybe if they talk about Krista enough, Sharon would open up soon.
“Lydia mentioned you.”
“She did?” Head turning, Krista didn't expect the answer at all. She thought she was the unmentionable illicit affair. A dirt Lydia had swept under the rug. “When?”
“Months ago."
"Really?" Krista couldn't help but smirk.
"She said she's working with Francesca and an accordion fellow on the Shipibo Konibo project. Your name came up a lot regarding that work.”
“Ugh. Please." The smirk disappeared. "You know that's not what I meant.”
“What did you mean?”
“How did you find out about what's going on between me and Lydia?” That was probably a bit too blunt. Krista just decided she didn't care anymore.
“I am still unsure of what was going on between you two.”
“IS going on.”
“Okay. I am unsure of what IS going on between you two."
Krista could swear she saw a smirk when Sharon said those words. It felt like a challenge. It felt like the giant trying to make her prove herself. It irked her. "Isn't it obvious?"
"What?"
“Our romance.” Krista waited for a drastic reaction. Any reaction. Sharon didn't even bat an eyelash, smoothly bringing the Mercedes to overtake a dump truck as if driving like this was her livelihood. “You don't believe there's a romance going on between me and the maestro?”
“I believe it's easy to admire her.”
There was definitely a hint of a smile in the corner of those lips. Something that somehow felt like a jab to Krista's stomach. “Are you saying it's one-sided?”
“I also believe Lydia can be such a sucker for validation sometimes.”
“Are you saying I'm a mere validation?”
“We all are.”
Having no good comeback for that, Krista bit her lip. There had been days when she thought she was special but lately, she couldn't even call herself a validation. Where there had been gentle touches and sweet glances now only had avoidance and fear growing. Krista could rot on Lydia's feet and the maestro wouldn't even care now. All for this woman? Krista stole another glance at those fingers loosely wrapped around the steering wheel. Had Lydia made it to her final destination? Was Sharon the one? Could everything still be turned the other way around? And the most important question, after all that had been said and done, would Krista be happy if Lydia end up chasing her again?
Silent trailed off as the car exited the highway. So unbearable because it felt like Sharon was getting the upper hand. Krista didn't like the feeling at all. She wanted the woman to talk; to slander Lydia or to beg Krista to let go. The latter would be much preferable.
“Krista?”
“Yeah?”
“We're about to run out of gas and I'm also a bit tired. Would you mind if we take a little break at the next stop?”
Krista couldn't believe how elated she was to not be the one asking questions. She looked at Sharon whose eyes were fixated on the road. Maybe the woman had finally let her guard down. “No. Not at all. I can use some drink.”
“Great.” Sharon flexed her fingers for a second before continuing to drive. The quietness came back and none of them uttered a single word after. When Sharon finished filling the tank, Krista followed Sharon into the convenience store quietly. She observed every little move as Sharon quickly picked a bottle of mango-flavored drink from the first shelf. Unlike the drink, Sharon took time on picking her snack. Looking torn between choosing a tuna sandwich or a vegetarian one, only to grab two different brands of chocolate bars in the end.
“You don't like the sandwiches?” Krista got herself a can of beer, thinking that she would probably hate the taste but needed it to numb a bit of her restlessness.
"They look stale," Sharon answered as she pointed at the beer in Krista's hand. “You don't want anything with that?”
Krista shook her head in return.
“Do you want to stop somewhere to grab some real meal instead?”
And got ambushed by your peers? I saw all those missed calls, Sharon. Krista smirked while shaking her head once more. Two could play this game.
“So,” Sharon only spoke again after finishing the snacks and her drink in the car. “Are you ready to talk?”
“We've been talking, haven't we?” Krista chugged the last of her beer.
“Okay. We can continue driving around then.”
“No. Don't.” The fact that Krista's hand landed on Sharon's hand as the latter hold the gear shift was clearly a surprise for both of them but it was Krista who retracted her hand first. It felt like touching the proverbial fire. She didn't like it a bit. To finally saw a flash of reaction on Sharon's face was a relief though. This didn't feel like losing to a giant anymore. “I don't think I can stand another hour of you running circles around my questions.”
“Maybe you just haven't asked the real question.”
“Alright.” Krista took a deep breath. “What exactly do you want from me?”
They stared at each other now. The initial fear and anxiety had somehow thinned on the miles they had passed together. Sharon's gaze looked a bit soft when she speak again. “I want you to see the real Lydia.”
Krista almost laughed. She had seen enough of the maestro. The mesmerizing lover? Check. The art powerhouse? Check. The ugly bully who treats people like trash? Check.
“Before you decide to rest all your feelings on her, be it hatred or admiration. Before you decide on your future based on her action or lack of it. I think you should see the real Lydia first.”
“Do you want us three to meet?” It would be a disaster and Krista could feel a bit of that fear creeping in. She had gone this far though. There was no turning back. “Sure, let's see her. Isn't she practicing now?” Krista glanced at the sun hiding behind Berlin's grey sky. “Should we have a lunch date?”
“No. Those would mean meeting the maestro. I want you to see the person behind Lydia Tár.”
The initial plan was to get in and get out, see what the girl was about then talk her out of harm's way. Whomever that harm may lead to. Of course, Sharon didn't expect the girl to simply follow the laid-out scheme. Krista Taylor was smart. The little research Sharon had done was enough to tell her that. Sharon also didn't expect to drive the girl around the city like this. Yet it turned out to be the best way to know the girl better, to see what tick her clock.
Sharon was tired though. Her fingers had started to feel a little numb and her feet sore by the time they were out of the highway. She hadn't driven this long since the IVF procedure took place. As the questions Krista asked got deeper into Sharon's personal space, she decided to show the girl that one place instead. That one mirror that reflected Linda Tarr out of Lydia Tár. Lydia's apartment.
The spare key to the damned place had been attached to Sharon's keys forever. Lydia had had it given to her one morning, after confessing her love to Sharon the night before. The confession that had escaped her mouth as Lydia sat at the piano testing notes while Sharon skimmed over the score scattering over the hideous couch Lydia called bed. There had been no monkey sex as a prelude, and no trade needed to be made at work after. Just the two of them doing what they were born to do, loved to do. That was why it was the only confession that mattered to Sharon.
“Welcome to Lydia's haunt.” Sharon opened the door wide, getting ambushed by an aroma that was distinctly Lydia's along with a little bit of musty scent coming from the old ceiling and relic flooring.
Krista took a few steps in before turning to look back at Sharon. “She doesn't live with you?”
“She does.” Sharon's heart grew a bit tender when she noticed Petra's latest artwork tucked between the pages of a book near the candelabra. “She just spends an awful lot of time here.”
“Why?”
Sharon shrugged, took off her coat, and rested it on the hanger by the door before heading to the kitchenette. As expected, the snack and the bottled juice from the gas station didn't sit well in her stomach. She needed real food to ward off the lightheadedness that had kicked back in. She needed more to hold up. She knew Lydia always kept a fresh loaf of bread ready in that wooden cupboard. Maybe she and Krista would talk easier over food. Maybe this would be over in a minute and she could hit the deli across the road before either fainting or throwing up. “Tea?” She offered, filling the kettle and then turning on the stove.
“No.”
“How about sandwiches?” Sharon saw cheese and tomatoes upon opening the fridge. There was also half of an avocado that was probably only hours away from getting bad. No eggs though. Sharon would have loved to have a poached egg on her sandwich right now.
“I'm fine.”
Sharon prepared the food anyway. Quietly listening to the sound of the blinds being fully drawn back, she was completely aware that Krista was exploring every corner of the apartment without asking permission. Coming out with two cups of lemon tea and a plate of sandwiches despite Krista's refusal, Sharon set the tray on the coffee table in front of the couch and sat herself down. “Are you not hungry at all?”
“I don't eat that much.” The girl was rummaging through the bookshelves by the piano. “So, you like sandwiches huh?"
Sharon shook her head. She fancied real food. Ones that were cooked on fire and served with care, especially the good stuff coming from her mother's stash of old recipes. Of course, she didn't have to tell Krista about them.
"Lydia read these?” Krista ran a finger across a few paperbacks.
“All hers.”
“And those are her favorite movies?” She moved to the next shelf while pointing at stacks of old DVDs.
“The dusty ones on that corner are mine.” The sky was getting darker outside but there was enough light to fill the usually gloomy apartment to its every corner. There was a tug of tenderness in Sharon's heart when she saw the BluRay of Love Actually on top of other movies. There were a lot of silly memories attached to that one.
“This doesn't feel like her at all,” Krista muttered, flipping through an old trashy novel.
Exactly. Sharon said inwardly while reaching for her second slice of sandwich. She let Krista wander some more. reading the expected reaction from her expression. After finishing her tea, when she thought Krista had seen enough, Sharon rose to retrieve a box from the lowest shelf by the couch. She rested it on top of the piano where Krista was playing a few random notes at.
“What's this?” Krista opened the box of old newspaper clippings. “Who's Linda Tarr?”
Sharon tilted her head a little, taking out a piece that praised a young girl for winning a local talent show despite her difficult background. Krista read most of the pieces like an eager student in a library and Sharon watched her closely. The way that expression changed. The way that brows furrowed. When she finished the last clipping, Sharon put the one in her hand onto Krista's lap.
“Lydia is not real, Krista.”
“She is not?” Krista picked up the piece from her lap, scanned it quickly then put it back in the box as if it was made of ember. “Why did she change her name?”
“She never told me but I'm pretty sure some of these articles had to do with it.” Sharon glanced at one particular article from a local Staten Island paper. It described a young girl assaulting two other girls after being locked in the gym bathroom. There were no names, just initials. There was no picture too, only long lines about major head injuries, hospital treatment, lack of parents' responsibility, and the importance of educating little girls better.
Krista took a deep breath, stopped playing altogether, and looked around the room.
“The Lydia we see is just a persona, don't you agree?”
The girl shook her head before looking up. “You just show me these to put me off. To keep Lydia for yourself.”
“Even after all I have given to her, I still don't get to keep her for myself, Krista.” Sharon let her eyes meet Krista's challenging stare.
“Bullshit.”
“Look around you. If the home I offer was enough why would she keep coming back to this hideous apartment?"
Krista shook her head, moving to stand before the window,.
“Look at Francesca. Look at me. Look at yourself.” Turning around, Sharon walked to stand a few inches away from Krista. The dark clouds outside the window seemed so heavy it might be raining soon. “Look at all the girls I know you've heard of. Even with everything she has got, Lydia will always want more.”
“What if I can be the only one for her?” Putting her phone back in the pocket of her jeans, Krista turned her head to glance at Sharon. “Maybe if I try a little harder I will be enough.”
“That was exactly what I told myself years ago.” The sadness that Sharon knew showing in her smile, was also felt deep inside. “It just doesn't work that way." Sharon forgot how and when she stopped trying to tie Lydia down, how and when she learned to look the other way. "You are welcome to try but I sincerely hope you won't waste yourself doing it.”
“Do you ever get to see the real her?” Krista said after checking her phone. Eyes gazed back out the window while hands wringing one another. “Have you ever seen her scared and helpless?”
Standing beside Krista, Sharon thought of the few vulnerable moments she had shared with Lydia. How she'd like to think that Lydia only showed them to her. “I'd love to claim I know the real Lydia but it's all elusive, you know?” Sharon gazed out the window right when a way-too-familiar luxury car lurched into a parking spot across the road outside. Closing her eyes briefly, Sharon could feel the mix of nausea and anxiety crept within herself. Lydia couldn't come up here. Not yet. “It could be so impossible to see into her sometimes.”
“We were so close once.” Krista fully turned to face Sharon. A flash of hurt shone through her eyes as she stared. “Now she wouldn't even have a conversation with me, wouldn't even admit that it takes two to tango.”
“Trust me, I know.” Sharon knew she picked the wrong words as soon as she finished saying them. That short sentence somehow set something else in Krista's eyes.
“No. you don't.” Krista stepped closer. “You are her wife. She will always be within your reach.”
Sharon shook her head, stepping back but Krista came even closer.
“She gave you her name. She let you work beside her. She treats you as an equal. She gives you all.'"
"That's where you are wrong. It's not always what it appears to be." Strike two. Sharon was starting to get nervous she no longer picked her words carefully. She knew she shouldn't have negated Krista's words but it was too late. The stare Krista gave her was cold when she grabbed Sharon by the shoulders.
"No, Sharon. I am right. We're not on the same side. You have no idea what it's like standing helpless on the side while the maestro destroys your career, so stop acting like she's treating us the same.”
“Krista, please. I can help you.”
"No, you can't. Do you have any idea that I just received an e-mail from London Phil? That made three orchestras in one day, eleven in total, all saying no to my talent. Eleven fucking orchestras! You can't even fucking imagine being me right now! With Lydia by your side, I bet no one has ever questioned your worth!"
Sharon gasped. She was too late. Lydia had gone too far.
"Tell me, have the great Lydia Tár ever done this to her dear wife? Has she ever stepped on your talent only to treat you like trash after?"
Sharon blinked.
"Exactly. So, stop pretending you're one of us.” In a move Sharon didn't expect, Krista tightened her grip and pushed her against the bookshelf. “You are not!”
Sharon could feel her back hit the edge of the hardwood as books fell to the floor. Her hands immediately went to cover her stomach. Panic surged in.
She didn't expect violence at all.
Lydia was fighting the urge to bite her nails hard. Watching the CCTV footage recorded on Francesca's phone felt like death slowly descending on her. The image was pixelated at best but there was no mistaking that hoodie. It was the one she had given to Krista before they boarded the flight to Peru. The little bit of red hair peeking under that beanie, the smirk on that face when she wounded her hand around Sharon's shoulder, were all painfully familiar. Lydia could feel something bitter rising in her throat as hatred and fear both amplified within her.
“The authority didn't allow me to record more.” Francesca was literally cowering in the passenger seat of Lydia's Porsche as she tucked her phone back in. “They only let me know that Sharon's car exited the parking lot exactly at 11:47.”
Taking a few deep breaths while leaning back on her seat, Lydia closed her eyes briefly. “Tell me again why Sharon said she want to do this?” She had passed the urge to slap Francesca across the face now. The helplessness she felt for Sharon rendered her too weak to even take a proper breath.
“She said she want to know Krista more.”
“I hope you at least had the brain to tell my wife how hazardous knowing that girl could be.”
Francesca's gaze drifted away in what Lydia knew was a way of showing disagreement. The girl was still trying to defend her friend. Lydia was about to fume at such audacity when her phone rang loud displaying Heike's number.
“Yes?”
“The pinged signal from Sharon's phone kept on moving until a few minutes ago.” It was Dash. Lydia could feel herself take a more relieved breath. “Komponistenviertel rings a bell to you? Somewhere in Pankow?”
“Yes, Dash. Yes.” She knew only one address in that area. One damned apartment.
“I've got scheduled for a minor surgery in an hour so Heike probably won't be able to come along.”
“It's okay. You need her more than we do.” Of course, Lydia was actually relieved that Heike couldn't tail her further into this mess. “Thank you so much for the both of you.”
“I'll send you a contact in case you need immediate backup but I'm sure it won't get this far. Had my guys run a background check on this girl. No red alert.” Dash took a deep breath that sounded painful. “She's just strung on her poison, just like I can't live without mine. Just like the rest of us.”
Lydia could hear the accusation riding on that statement but chose to say nothing. Everyone poisoned themselves in one way or another but not all of them ran around kidnapping someone else's wife. She wished Dash well before quickly ending the call, elated that Heike didn't butt in. “They are in my apartment.” She turned to Francesca. “Did you give Krista the address?”
“No. Never.”
Then it must have been Sharon's choice to go there. Sharon must have had the upper hand. “Let's go.” Lydia hit the gas pedal. "Let's go get my wife."
The clouds were dark when Lydia parked across the road from her apartment. She was about to storm out of the car when Francesca held her back by the wrist.
“What the hell?” She turned her head in pure indignation. “Let me go.”
“Maestro, hear me.” Francesca seemed to struggle for words but her hold was firm around Lydia's hand. “If Krista is actually that dangerous, would it be safer if we don't just barge in?”
“Are you saying we wait until it's too late? And fuck you. Krista IS that dangerous."
“Look.” Francesca pointed up.
Following Francesca's finger, Lydia could see that the curtains of her apartment were all drawn back. In one of the windows, she could recognize Krista and Sharon standing side to side facing the road, seemingly deep in conversation. The distance was quite far but Krista might recognize her form up there. Flicking Francesca's hand away, Lydia sat still in her seat. She hoped Krista didn't know her car. That the two of them were simply talking, not arguing. That everything would be alright in the end.
“What do I do now?” She said after one impossibly long minute. “I can't just sit still and wait.”
"I think we should trust them more." Francesca's words were a mere whisper as she also tried to look at the objects of their conversation from her seat. "I believe Sharon and Krista won't do anything stupid."
“Fuck it, I'm coming up!” She was about to exit the car once more but Francesca held her back again.
“Get your hand off me, Francesca!”
“Have a little faith.” Francesca, somehow looked brave and fearful at the same time, held Lydia's gaze. “Look.” She showed Lydia her phone. “When Sharon asked me to do this. When I refused and tried to talk her out of her plan. When I asked her why. She answered me with this.”
I can't betray the little faith I still have in Lydia.
“You can do anything you want to me after, but I think we should wait. Sharon would like you to wait.”
Lydia shook her head. That one message from Sharon felt like a stab piercing deeply into her already bleeding heart. Sharon, who accepted more than she should have. Her Sharon, whose faith she kept betraying, was up there alone with a maniac.
“If you want, I can come up there instead.”
Francesca's offer got Lydia to turn her head swiftly. She was about to say no, chiding Francesca for such a stupid suggestion but then it kicked in. The rationality of it all. “I suppose you can.” She said dejectedly, actually mad that the idea didn't come from her brilliance. "Krista will probably accept you better."
“I'll be careful.” Francesca immediately stepped out of the car. “You can rest a little faith in me too.”
Lydia blinked, rolling the door down to see Francesca standing by the side of the road as cars speeding by. The girl looked spent and sad. For the first time since the day she decided to hire Francesca, Lydia realized how that look shouldn't have been familiar. That she should have treated the girl better. “Francesca?”
“Yes?”
“I'm sorry.” It was odd but as that two simple words hung in the air, Lydia could see that night in Ucayali in her mind. She could see herself, all vain yet stupid. She could see Krista, dangerous and wanting. She could see Francesca, a drop of tears rolling on each of her cheeks as Lydia's fingers made contact with the bare skin of her stomach. She could see clearly now. She could see the only one to blame.
Francesca nodded, crossing the street.
The short minutes of waiting felt like an eternity for Lydia. She looked up from behind the tinted window of her car, gasping when she saw Krista lay her hands on Sharon. In the few seconds it took for her to leap out of the car, the red-haired girl already had Sharon cornered against a bookshelf. Lydia yelled out loud, trying to cross the street but there were two trucks coming, driven as if they were race cars. Cursing, Lydia took a step back and looked up again. Francesca was finally there, standing behind Krista but not even trying to pry those claws from Sharon.
“Please.” She mumbled, desperately waiting as more cars appear on the usually quiet road. “Please, Francesca. Save her.”
Then it happened. Right when Lydia was sure Krista would do something far worse, Francesca hugged the girl from behind. Hopeless, Lydia watched the scene slowly unfold. Another two cars sped by as Lydia saw Krista letting go of Sharon before turning to hug Francesca. When Sharon stepped forward and landed a touch on Krista's shoulder, Lydia just knew the girl was crying. That the worse had passed.
Somehow, she found herself kneeling on the ground a few seconds later. Relief washed over her through the blinked-back tears.
Drizzling rain has been long falling when an Uber stopped in front of the apartment. From inside her car, Lydia watched as Sharon gave both Francesca and Krista a hug before the two entered the car. Did not bother to grab the umbrella from its place on the door sill, Lydia crossed the now empty street as soon as the Uber disappeared on the corner of the road.
“Sharon...” She whispered while standing by the door. Eyes searching Sharon's as the latter just stood still by the landing and gazed out at the rain. “Are you okay?”
Sharon shook her head, slipping down to sit on the first flight of the staircase.
“Are you hurt?” Lydia took hesitant steps forward, gazing at the grip Sharon had on the side of her stomach.
“Don't.” Resting her head against the wooden column, Sharon finally caught Lydia's gaze. Her eyes showed both sadness and anger. Her expression was tired. “Don't ever do that again.”
“I -”
“Don't ever hurt young girls like that again. Don't be that demon.”
“That bitch was-”
“No, Lydia. Own up.” That anger flared into something that Lydia had never witnessed in Sharon's eyes. A power that Lydia knew Sharon possessed but had always been too coward to recognize. “Stop blaming others.”
Lydia gulped.
“We have a daughter, for God's sake. Probably another one on the way. You can't let any of this come back to them someday.”
It was sad how she automatically worked on ways to slither into a lie. How a story to blame Krista formed in her brain almost immediately. Lydia closed her eyes to ward off the cowardness, fighting against herself. When she opened her eyes a few long seconds later, Sharon still looked up at her.
“It was my fault.” Lydia's throat suddenly felt too dry on this humid rainy day. “I gave her signals. I let her in.” It was so fucking hard but she held eye contact. She didn't want to lose Sharon. She didn't want anything bad to fall upon their unborn baby. And Petra? The thought that this horrendous stuff might happen to her precious daughter someday made Lydia want to puke. “I was stupid. That night-” She stopped herself before it was too late, noticing that she should have learned to do this a long time ago. “It was all my fault."
The rain was getting heavier outside. Sharon's eyes were wet. Lydia could feel herself shiver under her thin damp shirt but it was nothing against the need she feel to wrap Sharon in an embrace.
"I love you, Sharon. So much. Too much. You're my one and only. Forgive me."
When the connection between their gazes did break, it was only because Sharon chose to rest her head on her knees and hugged herself.
“Are you in pain?” Promptly sitting beside Sharon, Lydia rubbed her back. “Should I get some help?”
“No.” Lifting her head, Sharon shook her head. “I'm not in pain. At least not the physical one.”
Lydia didn't even dare to draw a relieved breath, afraid that Sharon might decide it was time to let her go for good.
“And yes, if you want us to work, you will get help.” Sharon touched Lydia on the knee. “We will get help.”
Lydia nodded, kissing the top of Sharon's head as she pulled her into an embrace