Chapter 4
It’s been three weeks since Natasha first arrived at T’challa’s palace, and she’s spent those three weeks relaxing and catching up with her fellow Avengers.
She soon got accustomed to life with her teammates. On most days she would wake up, make breakfast for herself and whoever else is up (usually just Steve and Clint), and then spar with whoever’s up for it, and walk around the palace. Her favourite place to go soon became the gardens.
The palace, of course, is surrounded by jungles and landscapes, but at the back, there is a selection of exceptionally maintained gardens.
She likes to stroll in the greenery alone, with the exception of Francis accompanying her of course, but she enjoys company when it came.
Occasionally it would be Clint, but he has allergies when it came to plants, so he usually talks to her elsewhere. Natasha enjoys his company. He, of course, wanted to catch up with her on her year, but he never pushed or pried when she subtly left out some details in her story. Clint just listened in silence and waited for her to ask questions.
Sometimes it would be Tony, who, to her relief, completely forgave her.
“Listen,” he had told her, “I know how you’re super loyal to Cap and I respect that.”
“I’m loyal to you too, Tony,” she had said earnestly, “But I couldn’t do that to Steve, you know I can’t.”
Tony had looked at her with a look of understanding.
“ I know Nat,” he had said, “You don’t have to explain yourself to me.”
And so they would walk together in the gardens, with Natasha making quick remarks about her year and Tony doing most of the talking, blabbing on and on about how the teams been. “It’s been pretty boring around here without you,” he said, “With Clint’s moping and Steve’s worrying - did you know Wanda and Vision have a little something going on? And also, do you think Pepper would like these flowers? She’s finally returning my calls.”
Natasha is always glad for Tony’s company and his non-stop talking.
Usually it would be Steve.
Natasha had actually bumped into him one day while she was alone. She had been walking backwards, looking at a camellia tree, when she had stumbled against him, as his back had also been turned.
She had turned around and glared at him, as if it was all his fault.
Steve had raised his hands in slight defence.
“What,” he had said, “I’m not allowed to like gardens?”
She had huffed out a laugh and then decidedly linked her arm through his to guide him to her favourite sights.
After that, going to the gardens together became a ritual for them. They would usually go together on Monday mornings and Friday nights, sometimes on other days when they would both be free. They mostly talked about the team, and Natasha eventually opened up more about her year. Steve would listen intently with the occasional polite nod and commentary.
However, whenever Steve would bring up Bucky, Natasha would either go dead silent or quickly switch the subject.
She had no idea how to tell him.
She didn’t even tell Clint, who she usually trusted with her problems.
But then one day she and Clint were watching a movie in her room when he suddenly jumped up (startling Francis) and said “Oh shit, Nat, I totally forgot, you haven’t talked to Laura or the kids yet.”
And then Natasha jumped up too and said “Hold on a second, you’ve been in contact with them?”
“Yeah,” said Clint sheepishly, “Tony figured out a way for me to call them safely.”
Natasha glared. “What the hell Barton? Hand me the phone.”
Clint quickly grabbed the phone, set up the call, and left Natasha to her privacy.
The phone rang twice.
“Hi,” Laura’s voice came through, “Clint?”
Natasha exhaled a breath she had been subconsciously holding.
“Laura?” She said.
“Natasha! Oh my god, is that really you?” Laura’s voice was filled with relief and joy.
Natasha let out a shaky laugh.
“Yeah, Laura, it’s me.”
“I’ve been so worried about you! The last time Clint called, he told me you’ve gone completely AWOL.” Laura said.
“I did, but it was really for the best. I didn’t want to put him in danger.” Natasha explained.
“Oh, Nat,” Laura said, “You really shouldn’t have, you worried all of us.”
“I know,” Natasha said softly.
And suddenly Natasha had the urge to tell Laura everything, she just couldn’t hold it in anymore.
She walked to her door, made sure no one was in the hallway, and closed it.
“Okay,” said Natasha, “I need to get something off my chest but promise me you won’t tell anyone, not even Clint.”
She felt Laura stiffen on the other side of the phone.
“Okay. I promise.” she eventually said, “What is it?”
And so Natasha told her everything. From getting shot by Barnes twice, to him almost killing her, which had sparked her memory. And how now, she completely remembers him, but she doesn’t know how the tell Steve.
Laura, of course, insisted on Natasha telling him.
“He’s your teammate and friend, Nat,” she said, “He needs to know.”
“What,” Natasha seethed. “That his best friend abused me in the past. It’ll kill him.”
“He needs to know,” is all Laura kept on saying.
And Natasha eventually gave in, saying, “Fine, you’re right, I need to tell him.”
But it’s been three weeks and Natasha still hasn’t said a thing about Bucky to Steve.
It is Monday morning, and Natasha walks to the garden’s fountain where she and Steve always meet and prepares herself to tell him.
Today is the day, she tells herself.
She gets there, and sees that Steve hasn’t arrived yet. She sits down on a wood bench under an oak tree.
But as the minutes slowly go by, so does her confidence.
I shouldn’t tell him, she thinks, I can’t do that to him.
She checks her watch.
It’s already 9:50, twenty minutes past their usual meeting time.
She hadn’t seen him at breakfast that day, but she just assumed that he had already eaten and gone out for a run.
But Steve wouldn’t forget their meeting time, and he’s never late, usually early.
Natasha stands up and frowns.
Something must have happened…
But then Steve suddenly appears, looking out of breath, but he has a big smile on his face.
“Hey Nat,” he says, walking towards her with a slight spring in his step, “Sorry I’m late.”
“It’s okay,” Natasha says, looking at him warily.
But Steve doesn’t even notice.
“C’mon,” he says, “Let’s start, I have something to tell you.”
I did too.
So they start down the usual path that they took. It is a nicely paved one with rows of rose bushes on either side.
“So,” Steve says, barely able to contain his excitement, “The doctors said they’re pretty much ready to release Bucky.”
Natasha feels her heart drop to the pit of her stomach.
Steve glances at her. “Isn’t that great?”
She forces a smile. “Um, yeah, Steve, but are you sure he’s completely ready to come out of cryo-freeze?
Steve’s smile dampens a little.
“Well, I think he is. I mean, the doctors say he’s as ready as he’ll ever be.”
Natasha shakes her head slightly. She feels panic rising. If she can’t even tell Steve the truth, how in the world was she going to face Bucky?
“It’s just,” she starts, “I want to make sure it’s safe.”
Steve’s smiles falters and his face shows confusion.
“I’m sure Bucky will be fine,” he says slowly, “He’ll adjust.”
“I’m not talking about Bucky, Steve.”
His smile vanishes completely.
“Seriously Nat?” he says, a touch of anger evident in his voice.
“I’m sorry,” Natasha says, feeling a little guilty. “I just don’t think this is a good idea. What if something happens and someone gets hurt?”
“Why are you so against this?” Steve’s voice raises and he gestures wildly with his hands. “The doctors think he’s ready, and so he’s ready.”
Natasha recoils back a little. Steve usually never raises his voice.
“I know he means a lot to you, but think reasonably about this, please.”
Steve sighs and drops his hand down to his sides. “He’s my best friend.”
Natasha closes her eyes. There is no way he is going to budge about this.
So she just says a quiet “okay” and they walk the rest of the way in an uncomfortable silence.
Later that day, Steve tells the news to the team, who all appear to not feel too strongly on the subject. Most of them express that they are happy for Bucky. He tells them it’s their choice whether or not they want to be there when Bucky wakes up. The doctors said not to overcrowd to room, but to have a few people Bucky knows to be there, as it will make him feel safer.
Sam says yes immediately.
The others all start to agree as well.
Clint excuses himself from the meeting, saying he promised to call the kids later.
Tony doesn’t refuse, but he quietly leaves the room. It is Tony's way of politely saying no.
And Natasha stays silent.
She shouldn’t be there. What if Bucky remembers her? What if he doesn’t? Steve probably doesn’t even want her there.
Natasha finds herself going anyways.
She slips quietly into the room where they're keeping Bucky. The others are already there.
She goes to stand inconspicuously in the corner. Steve, however, sees her out of the corner of his eye and turns to give her an appreciative nod.
He looks worried, tired. Natasha knows she should be comforting him right now. That’s what friends do, right?
But she can’t bring herself to.
Steve is standing right in front of the vessel where Bucky is, and she can’t be one of the first people Bucky sees. She just can’t.
She hopes he won’t see her at all.
But the doctors in the room are almost done and they are starting to open up the vessel.
She sees the anticipation in Steve’s face. How his eyes widen and his weight goes to the front of his feet so his whole body is leaning forward a little bit more…
And the vessel opens completely.