*
Steve dreams that he is falling.
He has dreamed it many times before, of course, has seen himself, felt himself on that failing plane back again. He is watching the ice get closer and closer, is hearing Peggy's voice, is thinking that this is the right things to do. The plane picks up a lot of speed, the crash will be terrible. He braces himself the best he can, not having been able to save Bucky leaving a taste of regret in his mouth. And then he crashes into the ice, and is woken up.
Others time he sees Bucky falling, once and again, and again, and again. And each and every time he thinks that maybe this time he will be able to save him, maybe this time he will fast enough, and Bucky won't have to fall, won't have to lose his arm and be used in godawful experiments, because he was too far, because he wasn't all that he should have been. (And what good is to be a hero if you can not save your best friend?)
Normally, the dreams ends when he hits the ice, and he wakes up, startled, arms shaking. He needs to reassure himself that the ice was long ago, that he did the right thing and survived it, that Bucky is still alive too and on his way to recovering his life. No matter how painful it had all been, it was all for the best. Because of the time he spent in the ice, now he was able to help a whole new generation of people, and he had met wonderful people.
(He still regretted Bucky, and he'll always regret that. What they made of him, what they made him do. It was unfair, and he should have done something. Should have done something more)
But even in the dreams, as much fear and regret and horror he experiences when he's about to crash, there's a part of him that know this is what he ha to do. That there is honor in his fall, in all that he is sacrificing. That he is helping by doing this, and that his pain, his eventual death maybe, it will serve a higher purpose. It will help people, and that is one of the things that Steve has always wanted to do. Protect others. Use his action, his pain, his sacrifice, so that others won't have to suffer. And the ice scares him, and he doesn't want to crash, but he's at peace with his choice.
Today, the dream is different.
There is no plane, the ice is nowhere in sight, an he is falling alone, with nothing to protect him from the col starry night. Because this is not the place where Steve feel, this is the vast outer space, and he is falling and falling and falling and falling, and it feels wrong, it feels oh so wrong. There is no honor, there is no sacrifice, there is no greater greater good. He simply feels unspeakably hurt, overwhelmed by grief and self loathing. He wants to die, but he can't, because the void seems to have no end.
He feels that his whole world has become undone, he feels despair in a way he never had before. He tried, he tried oh-so-hard and he risked oh-so-much and all he gets from it is nothing. Absolutely nothing, but more rejection, even as he was hanging by the edge of the abyss, further proof that he would never be accepted. All he has left is death, and it is not coming soon enough. (When he dreams, usually, Steve's or Bucky's falls are never this horrifically long, but this, oh, this fall is taking forever).
He is going quicker and quicker as he falls, and the speed of it hurts. It hurts his bones, his blood, all of his limbs. Some times, he looks at his hands and see they are becoming blue at times, and doesn't know why it hurts so so much not to change it, but to see it like that. Monster, a voice inside him tells him, you deserve nothing better. His face is covered in tears and spit and maybe blood. He wants to scream but he can't.
He wonders what will kill him first, crashing into some forgotten planet, the unendurable effects of the speed in his body or the pain. All the pain is becoming blurred by now: the hurt from before falling, this crushing wish for a death that is taking too long an the physical pain from the fall itself. All he knows is that this is agony, and by the gods, hasn't he hurt enough? Why won't it end?
There is no finality, like in Steve's fall, there is no heroism. He is just so tremendously wounded, so overcome with agony that the only thing he can do is give up, and wait until there is nothing more.
And then he crashes, and the crash is brutal, an violent and he is some abandoned moon. Through the fog of the knows that he has broken most bones of his body, and that he is bleeding badly. He has fallen face first into some land and even though crash has been excruciating, at least he's not falling anymore. And then, in his lowest moment, when he is practically shattered from the fall, there is a boot in his spine, and it is pushing down.
Steve wakes up screaming in pain.
*
The next thee days, Steve is afraid to go to sleep, afraid to face that void and that indescribable pain again. It almost makes him miss the dreams about the ice. He takes caffeinated drinks that have little effect because of the serum, but manages to keep himself awake until he almost passes out from exhaustion. Fortunately, he dreams nothing. And then next day too, and then next one.
He begins to think that it was probably a one time thing, that he's in the clear. Maybe it was a one time thing, some strange repressed fear about aliens he may have, mixed with his own experience falling. It probably just means that he is afraid of facing the enemies of outer space, and that he may end up falling again, but without being able to use his fall to serve a higher purpose. This is simply the way his mind he has to deal with those threats, nothing else.
But then it happens again, only this time it's longer. He doesn't wake up when his back is broken, no. He stays in there no long enough to feel someone pick him up from the hole he's created. He realises that he is entirely at the mercy of this strangers, as he is completely broken, physically and otherwise. And through the pain in his back, in his limb and the horrible weight in his chest (why didn't I die, norns, why?) he manages to view the face of his tormentor. There is a crooked malevolent smile in its face, repulsive but familiar.
Chitauri.
*
Steve tries many things: he tries herbal tea, he tries yoga and meditation as taught by Banner, he tries a million prescription drugs lent by Stark, he tries Natasha's tricks to sleep without dreaming. He tries everything, but in the end, he always finds himself back there, in the void, falling irrevocably and then being toyed with by those Chitauri. The dreams follows him everywhere he goes, no matter what he does.
He wants to change things in the dream itself, but cannot. All that the internet has taught him about lucid dreaming is useless against the blinding pain he feels as he falls, and the utter helplessness he's in after the crash. He's unable to change anything, fix anything, and has to watch and feel the same agony once and again, and again. It's making him be tired during the day, and reluctant to go to bed at night.
The ending changes, sometimes. They always start breaking his back, but then they do different things to his broken down body. Sometimes it's fire what wakes him up, bright and burning against his abused flesh. Sometimes they choke him, and then release him, as he was geting closer to the very awaited release of death. There is a purple shadow with big teeth that sometimes orders the Chitauri around.
But he can't move, can't fight back. He is pathetic, and they are taking advantage of it, using it against him.
Steve is more and more tired, but know he has to do something. If he can't change the dream, he wants to at least understand it. Maybe that will bring some closure.
*
Thor is in another realm, but they manage some way of communicating through some crystals. It won't last long, so Steve needs to talk to him fast.
“Thor, how did your borther get in contact with the Chitauri before coming to Earth, do you know?”
“I hardly even knew about their existence. They are not creatures from any of the realsm, they exist in moons and places not explored by any Asgardian.”
“So how did Loki contact them?”
“That I do not know, my friend.”
“The last you saw him before he appeared on Earth was....”
“When he fell off the Bifrost.”
“He fell.”
“We were hanging, and Loki was holding on to me. He... he let go.”
“And fell into the void.”
“Indeed.”
So maybe this isn't simply a dream, but a memory, like his dreams of crashing into the ice, or losing Bucky. They are dreams, but they are based on memories and because they are traumatic memories, they keep repeating themselves in his heads. And this was Loki's memory, his own fall.He doesn't know why on earth he's ended up with Loki's recurrent nightmare, but who knows, when you have gods and magic surrounding you.
Before ending the communication, Steve needs to know something.
“Thor... was it you that rejected him just before he fell?”
“It is the one thing I will never be able to forgive Father. Surely Loki was wrong, and needed to be punished, but not right then and there. Odin should have waited, at least until we were somewhere safe. It was inexcusable. But, how do you know about that?”
“Maybe I'll tell you some other day. I... there are some things I need to figure out. If you see your brother, tell him I have something of his.”
*
Steve hurts when he dreams about the void an the Chitauri. Wakes up exhausted, as if he's been running all night. Every time he tries to beat his captors, to get the upper hand, but he can't. (The same time every time he tries to save Bucky, but can't). When he dreams he is Loki, and he falls, and all his being hurts as he does. And then he is manhandled, used and abused by some hostile aliens and a purple shadow with an ulterior motive.
There had been something almost cleansing about Steve's own fall, a sense of purpose. It had allowed him to save the day and to live to this decade, to help his fellow Avengers. But there had been nothing good about Loki's fall, he knows that now. He had wanted to die and ended up in the hands of hostile forces with almost no means of fighting back (And his treacherous head went back to Bucky, alone after falling hurt so much and then used...You should have prevented that, you should have done something, stupid...)
Part of Steve wants to do something about Loki, too. Wants to tell his story, even if he doesn't have all the details. Wants to defend him when people call him insane, or a maniac. You have no idea what he's gone through, he wants to say, but doesn't, because he doesn't know exactly how he's ended up with a piece of Loki inside of him. There could be experiments, and bad people trying to get information and then trying to make sure the information was truthful. By any methods.
(When he'd been younger experiments had been good, they were science and they made you stronger and healthier. Now experiments meant torture. Experiments to make people into soldiers that would obey your every order, experiments to see which torture could break you more efficiently. He misses the innocence from his younger days. Sometimes, he even misses the ice.)
*
He's in a bar, and someone has bought him a green cocktail called the last word. He may not get drunk, but he appreciates the taste. It's bitter but refreshing. And then he is sitting in front of him, after so long being in his head.
“Loki.”
“Consider the drink a beginning of apology for my mishap with the dream. You must have been dreaming about falling when I tried this new spell to get rid of my dream, and it latched on to you.”
“From another realm?”
“I have been laying low on Midgard. Not far from your New York, actually, trying to... piece some things together.” Loki said, and sipped what seemed to be champagne. “We must have been closer than we thought.”
Steve should maybe ask what is the God doing here, and maybe alert someone, but he's spent too much time in that guy's head to hate him as he used to. Answers are more important.
“What happens in the dream....?”
“was it real?” Loki finishes for him. “I honestly don't know, Captain. For a long time, there was a blank between my fall and the moment I was given the sceptre. I only knew that I had an intense pain in my back, and I needed to win, or else I would be back in hell. Then I started having flashes... dreams.... it wasn't pleasant, I can assure you that, but I cannot tell you which one of the endings of the dream is the most truthful. Maybe they all are.”
“How do you beat them? In the dream, there must be a way.”
“You do not beat them, you never can. You just find a way out, something that will interest them more. Like conquest. The retrieval of an invaluable artifact.”
“And you offer yourself to lead the attack. Because whatever counter attack the earth may pose, it is nothing compared to what you've lived.”
In the back of his head, Steve knows the he shouldn't be just chatting up Loki. He should be doing something, stopping him, calling someone so that he's arrested. But he is so so tired after so long sleeping poorly. He wants only his drink, and his chair, and then maybe a soft bed. He will deal with the fallout some other time.
Loki draws a small sad smile.
“Anyway, my apologies for the incovenience, Captain. I never meant for you to know... I never meant for anyone to know, really...”
“If you didn't mean to do it you don't have to apologise.”
“I was unwell, my magic was unreliable. I should have known better.”
In Steve's dreams of the void, he hates himself. He realises suddenly that those dreams are Loki's state of mind while awake too, that he wears those scars every day. For centuries. There is something awfully tragic about that, and it doesn't help to clear Steve's conflicted feelings towards the man in front of him.
“And you can unmake it?”
“The potion for it is in the drink. You should be free from the void as of this night.”
Steve breathes, relieved.
“I'm sorry for what happened to you, no matter what you did afterwards. If those... aliens ever show up again, I'll find a way to make it right. Find some kind of justice, some kind of closure.”
“So I can stop dreaming about them.” Loki smiles again, and this time it's more genuine. “I enjoy you optimism, Captain. But maybe I should make you forget, to-”
“No. I don't want to ever go back there, but I want to remember. I feel that something about what happened after you fell might be important for us, in the future.”
“As you please.” Loki says, and starts leaving. “This was a pleasant conversation, Captain. You are far less dense than I thought you.”
Steve laughs a little. It is not every day that one is complimented by a norse god.
“Hey,” Steve calls, when Loki is walking out of the door. “sweet dreams.”
They won't be.
But at some point, Steve vows, he will take care of that too.
Someway, somehow, they will beat them. And not just in their dreams.