Steve had never been too lucky in the matter of romantic love and dating.
When he was a younger boy he had been shy and small and sickly, and spent a lot of time looking after his mother, which didn't help his social/romantic skills. It also didn't help that when he went out to places where there could be someone available, he was normally next to Bucky, who was taller, more charming and generally better liked. That had been a bit frustrating.
And then the experiment happened, and people were suddenly interested but there was a war going on, and that was top priority. He would have been able to have something of a romantic life if he had been there after the war (hell, he even had a date planned) but he disappeared before that, and when he reawakened Peggy had already lived her life and made a family of her own. That had also been a bit unpleasant.
This time had offered him great relationships, but they were mostly friendship. He got Bucky back, which was something unexpected and great. No matter how damaged Bucky was, he would always be his best friend, his brother-in-arms, his companion in the good and bad. And he also had Sam, who was a great guy, and Natasha, who was an exceedingly interesting woman and a great person to lean on. (Maybe he trusted her too much, given her... personality, but she'd never given him any reason not to trust her. She had his back and was super apt at going against authorities, which was always a plus).
There were other people, of course, but it was... complicated. A lot of the non-Avenger people worshipped him too much for ever there to be the possibility of an equal relationship, and there was the fact that a lot of what he did or had done was supposed to be classified, which would mean keeping secrets, which made everything more complicated. He could try with someone from work... but who? Wanda was too young, Tony was a bit too much for him, Bruce too troubled and sciency, and whatever he could have had with Sharon ended the day she told him she was an agent and not just his neighbour. So, things weren't easy.
But there were other pleasures. One day, he was listening to Fury talking about safety and how they weren't allowed to do whatever they wanted to do (again) and had an incredible urge to roll his eyes but controlled himself, and instead he looked around at his partners, and saw Loki doing just that. (Yes, Loki was an Avenger now. There weren't a lot of explanations, there was a speech from Fury about prison and liabilities and in the end, the actual Avengers decided they would rather have him on their side while it lasted). He was rolling his eyes at Fury and then throwing Steve a knowing look as if to say “you understand me, right?” and Steve nodded and looked at him, like saying “yeah, man”. It was a moment of true understanding. That evening they went for drinks afterwards, and bashed some people they knew a little bit. Just a little, for peace of mind.
Then they talked about being tiny but wanting to prove yourself in battle, about being protected by people and not wanting them to fight your battles for you. Loki had a bit of similar romantic history as him, with everyone who got near them seeing Thor first and only. Of course there were many differences between them, but also a bit of shared history Steve hadn't imagined. How they had stood up to bullies, even though they'd been skinny, how different this place was from their home, in space and time. It was pleasant. Nice, in a calm way that most of Steve's life wasn't.
That was the day it started, only a tickle in his throat, a teeny tiny cough every now and then. If maybe that evening he had noticed more that wow Loki was kind of better looking that he'd realised or that “isn't it cool that he's just as desperately single as I am?” was completely unrelated. Of course.
And then things got worse (or was it better?), because Loki became friends with Bucky. Not the popular, valiant well-liked Bucky from the 40's, but the damaged and still recovering Bucky from now. A Bucky who had trouble trusting anyone and anything from this time, because this time had used him as a weapon. That Bucky who had so much trouble opening up, because he didn't want to burden anyone with the horrors he'd lived. And Loki and him, who were basically friendless except for that one blond person from their origin (Thor was Loki's; Steve, Bucky's), became fast friends.
Steve didn't dig too much into it, just told Bucky to be careful, and kept watch to see that the god wasn't doing anything bad to his friend. Apparently, he wasn't. Bucky told him not to worry, that it was simply that Loki was a bit frayed in the same places he was, and they shared their troubles. Mind control? Losing his agency? How you do that to a god?, Steve wondered. He'll tell you if he wants to tell you, Bucky said, and that was good enough. That Loki had put himself out there with his deep troubles when he found someone that was damaged like him, that he had trusted Bucky, that they were helping each other, or at least making each other company.
But seeing Loki make Bucky laugh or protect him while on battle did nothing to improve his cough, which was getting worse. He briefly considered going to a doctor, as the serum didn't allow for most sicknesses to get to him, but decided it was probably psychosomatic, and that he should give it some time. Yes, it was his mind inventing things because it was stressed, nothing else.
And then there was a kind of magic show Loki did with Wanda, in a semi clandestine get together with Bucky, Natasha and Scott Lang, and it was such a show of power, of intensity, of passion, Steve was truly mesmerised. Because most people still suspected him (and because he wasn't all that invested in them, anyways) Loki usually held back in battle, let the others do the hard work. But here, just showing off for the sake of magic, and beauty, and to make a few chosen people marvel at his gifts... It was great, and Steve was in a cloud even after going to bed.
The next morning there was something stuck in his throat, and he coughed up the petals of a single daffodil. Odd, very odd. In fact, Steve wondered if he'd been cursed or something like that, if there was some foul play involved. And so he looked in the internet, and found the Hanahaki disease, which was the only thing connected to flowers. But that couldn't be, he didn't feel any unrequited love, that had to be wrong. Maybe, if there was one disease that made you grow flowers in you, there was more than one reason, but it hadn't been researched yet.
If it got worse he would tell someone, Steve decided.
And it did get worse, although Steve didn't know exactly why. He would have fits of coughing, that ended up with on the toilet, and lot of wets petals, drenched in saliva. He'd been hiding it decently so far, but that wouldn't last, and the fits were getting more frequent. So he tried to understand, to look for the reason. Was he in love with Bucky, maybe? Had he mixed up his feelings of friendship with something else? Or what about that lady from the café, Suzy? That space warrior woman, Gamora? He did admire her. Maybe re watching old photos of him and Peggy had brought this on, ugh, he didn't know. (Or maybe he did, but didn't want to admit it to himself)
So he called on Natasha for help, because he kind of wanted this to be kept secret and he knew he could trust her to be discreet, and could trust her insight. Whatever it was that needed to be said, she would say. She knew how to be blunt when the men around her were being idiots. So she came and told him that she had a suspicion, but to point out the specific flowers he'd been coughing up and puking (a not at all welcome development), to see if they helped finding out the identity of whoever was causing this.
“So... the first one was a daffodil.. that could mean rebirth, chivalry, and will you look at that eternal life. Gladiolus can mean strength of character and, look at this, Iris can convey eloquence and wisdom. This painting a picture yet?” She said, with a knowing look.
“And some of those ones, too! A lot of those ones.”
“ “Queen Anne's Lace symbolizes a haven or sanctuary. It signifies complexity and delicateness.” So, do we know somebody who is eloquent, complicated and delicate, and has eternal life...”
Steve sighed. Natasha raised an eyebrow and continued talking, playful.
“Now, I don't really see you having a thing for muscles and thunder, so....”
Loki. He was crushing on Loki and he should have known. Why wouldn't he? The guy was brave and intelligent, and interesting, it was a guy you could have a conversation with, someone with something to say, someone with wit, with fire inside, who had shown him he could be gentle, too (like he'd been with Bucky). Steve liked his personality, all thousands of layers of it; he liked his looks, careful, elegant, otherworldly; he liked his magic and all he did with it. He didn't mind all that much how broken up he was inside, it made his own... troubles feel validated in a way. He liked him, and it was stupid.
“Please don't tell him.” Steve said, almost pleading. “That guy is my friend... and a god... and a former criminal... I'm so embarrassed.”
“You should tell him.” Natasha said, the playful tone gone. “It's the easiest way, and you really shouldn't let it progress any further.”
Steve had his hands on his face. This kind of things didn't happen to him, shouldn't happen to him. And at this moment, he would rather have to face a crisis with SHIELD to avoid having to deal with feelingsss. That's selfish, Steve, those things affect people, this only affects you.
“It's going to be awkward.” Steve said, the sound muffled from his hands. He wanted to throw up again. This was bullshit.
“Well, awkward beats choking to death on flowers, if you ask me.” Natasha said, the voice of reason he had needed.
“I could have the operation.” Steve said. Maybe that would be easier. Loki would be the work mate he was supposed to be and nothing else. No awkwardness, no conflicted feelings over being in love with someone with such a dark past, no scandal, no nothing. Easy, simple, surgical.
But he had found someone he could rely on with Loki, someone who didn't judge when he was rash, someone who smiled at his borrowing cars, who loved his story about all the ways he tried to get accepted in the army... He liked having that. Also, if he had the surgery and suddenly became colder, Loki would notice, and he would be hurt. And Steve didn't want to hurt him, he knew that Loki had been (or felt) hurt a lot, and didn't want to add to that. He needed the voice of reason, again.
Natasha threw him an “honestly, Rogers” look
“You would really have major surgery rather than have two minutes of an honest chat with a guy you've been working with for months?”
She was right, and Steve knew she was right. She continued anyways.
“Also, you know how starved for affection Loki is. Even if he doesn't feel the same way, which is a big if, you'll stroke his ego a bit, make him happy. Win-win situation.”
She was right.
It made no sense to keep it to himself anymore, to continue throwing up and coughing up all those flowers, so he got ready, threw ocean scented perfume to hide the stench of flowers and build up all of his courage. It would be really shitty if this meant losing a friend or making everything suddenly awkward between them, but there was no choice. He was sick, and like Natasha had said this forced declaration would probably please Loki, so... on with it.
When he got to Loki's room, there was a strange smell. Like roses and lilies and...there was a trash can full of flowers in fron of the bed. Flowers mixed with saliva, and bit of blood and... Could it be?
“Loki?”
Loki emerged from the washroom, looking pale and tired and smelling strongly of lavender and tulips, and seemed relieved that Steve was there, but anxious at the same time.
“Captain... We must talk.”