Chapter 5
"I used to wonder if we were alone in the universe," Bucky whispered to him as they stared up at the stars from Steve's porch. They sat close enough for their thighs to touch and Steve had been silently taking in the night sky while sneaking glances at Bucky's model perfect profile. "I wondered a lot of things before I went to war, spent a lot of nights looking at the sky like this, and something always felt like it was missing."
Their breaths came out in white puffs, the temperature had dropped below zero once the sun had set and he could feel the chill through the many layers of clothing Bucky had forced him to wear.
"Why'd you go to war?" He asked quietly, afraid to break the fragile moment between them. Bucky didn't talk about his past much, if at all, and Steve was burning with curiosity.
"That's what men were supposed to do in those days- God, Sam told me it was 70 or so years ago?" Bucky choked out a bitter laugh. "Everyone I went to war to protect is dead now and everything is so different."
Steve hadn't considered the fact that Bucky would be grieving the family he had lost while he was abducted. Humans went to war often and for all sorts of reasons, just like aliens did, and Steve knew that warfare took a toll on you.
It could steal the soul out of you, if you let it.
"I imagine that a lot has changed in 70 years," Steve mused to himself. He once knew an alien race that would molt and change their entire biological and chemical processes in less time.
"Well guys can be together now, even get hitched," he whispered in awe. "Dames too... Dating another guy back then would've gotten you thrown in jail. Made being interested in both feel like hiding the world's biggest secret."
Steve nodded, he could relate to that. Keeping Bucky in the dark about him was eating away at Steve more and more as the days went by.
Guilt was such a nasty thing to feel and Steve didn't like it at all. He had no idea how Bucky would've been able to bear keeping a part of him hidden away for so long.
"But lately I've been thinking that maybe the big guy up there is playing some kind of joke," Bucky continued, pulling Steve out of his own head and back into the conversation with a forced grin. "I had to go through hell, get ab-abducted, tortured- just to be able to get that secret out from under my skin. To live without the fear of being found out."
He turned his steely grey eyes to Steve and bit at his gorgeous bottom lip, "And the worst part is, I don't feel like I've ever really escaped. I keep expecting them to come back and collect me."
"They will never," Steve growled fiercely, grabbing Bucky's metal hand with his own. "Sam would never let them get through the first layer of the atmosphere, okay? You're safe here."
Bucky lifted their joined hands, "The arm doesn't bother you?" Steve shook his head because why would the arm bother him? He hated that Bucky had been experimented on but he didn't hate any part of the human himself. Physical or otherwise. "And the scars?"
Steve thought back to the angry, spidering scars on Bucky's bicep and the numbers that looked branded into his skin, much like the ones tattooed down Steve's own chest. Hydra had a reputation for being cruel and manipulative, an absolute tyrant across several galaxies and Steve's heart ached to think about what Bucky could've been subjected to.
"They aren't repulsive, if that's what you're asking," Steve teased and gave himself a mental pat on the back when Bucky smirked. "I don't like that you were hurt though. You didn't deserve what happened to you, Buck."
"I knew there was a risk of getting hurt when I signed up for the war-"
"But you weren't signing up to get abducted by aliens!" He exclaimed, gripping Bucky's hand tighter. "You were going to serve your country and that's an honorable action!"
Bucky bumped their shoulders together and groaned, "Don't get all fired up now, I don't want this to be another bee rant."
If Steve didn't see the smile twitching on Bucky's lips, he would've thought Bucky was being serious.
"The honeybees are disappearing at an alarming rate, Buck. If we don't save them, humanity will be doomed," and instead of replying, Bucky slid closer to Steve and leaned slightly against his small frame. "I actually like the bees."
Bucky chuckled and Steve was delighted to hear the noise echo, "I know you like the bees, Stevie. I think you like the bees more than you like me." He joked.
"Impossible," Steve breathed into the freezing night. Because it was, he doesn't like anything more than Bucky's company- Steve's love of sketching and space included.
There was a short beat of silence before Bucky squeezed Steve's hand and asked, "So what's your story huh? Why is a doll like you all alone in the middle of nowhere?"
Steve's could feel the warm blush blooming across his face and ran a hand through his hair to try and pull himself together. Who knew Bucky calling him doll would shut his brain off?
"Would you believe me if I said I liked it out here?" Bucky only shrugged. "My ma didn't have any other children, her husband died overseas at war. She saved every dime and left it all to me. I wasn't a social teen, didnt want to go anywhere, and she respected that."
"What do you mean by 'her husband'? What about your dad?" He asked hesitantly, as if Steve would snap at him for wondering. "I saw some of the pictures in the living room and you look just like her so I was- It's dumb but I shouldn't assume you had a dad."
"He died before I had the chance to really know him and she couldn't talk about him til the very end," Steve's voice cracked as he remembered his ma laying sick in bed. "Cancer took her. It wasn't quick, she um… she wasn't herself towards the end but she's in a better place now."
Bucky cradled Steve's hand to his chest and the man was like a furnace, giving off enough heat to bring the feeling back to Steve's numb fingers.
"I'm sorry for your loss, Stevie," he whispered with enough sincerity to bring hot tears to Steve's eyes.
"And I'm sorry for yours," Steve whispered back in kind. "I'm sorry for everything that happened to you. I think ma would've liked you, Buck."
Bucky stood up and pulled Steve with him, surely not missing his shivers and slightly blue lips. Maybe it was his imagination or wishful thinking but he could've sworn that Bucky's eyes lingered on his mouth before smiling back at him.
"That's awfully nice of you to say, doll." They walked back into the cabin, bumping hips and sharing private smiles the entire way. "Look at you, you look like a popsicle. I ain't playing nurse if you catch a cold, Stevie."
As if on cue, Steve squeaked out a kitten sneeze and shook his head with a shy smile, "Yes you would."
"Okay, I would," Bucky admitted, shrugging out of one of Steve's thicker winter jackets. "Doesn't mean you should be outside in this kind of weather for too long. You were outside for awhile yesterday, too."
Steve rolled his eyes and let Bucky wrap the throw blanket from the couch around his shoulders. He wouldn't say it out loud but he secretly liked it when Bucky made sure he was okay without treating him like a fragile little butterfly.
Sniffling, he shuffled over to the couch and accepted a mug of something hot.
"I had cocoa on the stove before we went out," Bucky explained, dropping a lot more marshmallows than Steve thought possible in his own drink. "Thought you'd like some."
Steve nodded, sipping at his drink happily as Bucky picked up the remote. And it finally hit him- he was happy. Genuinely happy for the first time since his ma died and Bucky had everything to do with that.
"Thank you, Buck." Thank you for so much, Steve thought, thanks for surviving.