Falling
He is falling, falling forever, no floor on sight, there aren't even stars and he fears he's stuck in the Void again, trapped between realms with no way to call for help, to get out, to finally stop falling... It hurts his body, it blurs his mind and it frightens him in ways he cannot completely understand. He's falling and falling, becoming faster and faster, and knows, in some twisted way that no one will be there for him when he finally crashes.
He is falling, falling forever, trapped in an unspeakable neverending horror that consumes him whole.
Tony had seen Loki sleeping on the couch of his main living room, and hadn't been all that surprised. Loki did have a room now that he was with them, not too far from Thor's but not too close either, to avoid conflict. Thor normally did stay in his room and slept mostly when it was dark, but Loki was... erratic.
He seemed to be awake at all hours, and somehow all around the building. He would build things, practice magic, look for patterns, watch videos on youtube, cook at 3am, read, drink copious quantites of alcohol, buy fruit online, eat fruit, shatter something valuable and then immediately put it back together... Erratic indeed.
Some other times you would find him asleep in the unlikeliest of places, like a balcony, or a broom's closet. He never seemed to sleep for long, or to be sleeping deeply, but it was... pleasant, seeing him like that. A more human side to the ex-criminal alien god. So Tony didn't think too much about it when he saw Loki sprawled there and just put a blanket on him.
No one had been too happy when Thor had appeared with Loki an told them that Loki was with them now, that he was "good". Natasha had thought it was a good addition, but was still suspicious that Loki may be playing a long con. Clint didn't want to hear anything about it. Hulk didn't mindall that much, Steve was cautious but hopeful, and Tony... well, he was warming up to the guy.
He was smart, he loved irony, and was as much as a diva as he was. (Had been? Pepper had softened him a bit, but still...) it was 4 am, Tony was trying to do something that would help him sleep or make use of that useless night and so he was pouring himself a drink, careful not to make any noise that would wake Loki up.
In fact, the only noises were coming from the god himself, breathing in all kinds of weird ways that didn't sound healthy. What did Tony know? The guy was a different species. He wasn't even the species he was supposed to be, Thor's godly one, but some other ice planet creature that permanently shape shifted to make himself look like an Asgardian. How was he supposed to know what was normal in the physiology of a guy like that?
And then just as he was considering closing the bottle after pouring himself a generous quantity of liquor, there was a loud deep, fear filled gasp that filled the room and Loki eyes were open wide. Then he coughed and just continued breathing heavily for some minutes.
"You okay?" Tony asked, careful, low, not wanting to scare they guy any further.
Loki looked at Tony with wild eyes, snatched his drink and unsteadily left without saying a word. Tony noticed the pronounced shadows under his eyes even though he had just woken up, and understood. Not being able to sleep was so shitty. He wanted to help somehow, there were many things of Loki he enjoyed, he understood his need of validation and was getting little appreciation from the Avengers. So, yeah, he wanted to help. But it would be easier if he knew a bit more about his nightmares.
He has fallen many times, and bits from his previous falls take part in his nightmares. When he was little, and Thor's bully buddies liked to threw him off his balance, and onto the floor, chanting weakling prince as they walked away. The times he thought he might be able to fly with magic, and fell, once and again, and again, unable to lift himself. (He could make an illusion of him flying...but the real him always crashed).
That portal on Midgard where he fell and fell and fell, had no way of getting out, lost sight of Thor, lost sight of everything, just fell, and fell and fell, and his bones aches, and his head hurt, and he had been a king only minutes before and now he was back in hell, falling, forever falling, and demons were coming back,oh they were going to get him, why? Why had Thor abandoned him so quick? How had he known that this trap was what his worst fears were made of?
But the fall that was the most prominent both in his dreams and his waking hours is the one when he fell off the Bifrost. He could feel the disappointment, the bitterness, the loathing thrown at him, at what he was and what he had done, and he knew that the fall would be near eternal and he knew of the horrors that awaited him when it ended. He remembered falling after being rejected, he remembered wanting to die desperately, but the fall never ended, and instead of death he had only pain.
He just wanted to stop falling.
Tony made a bit of research and found some of patterns, some specifics of Loki's sleeping (and non-sleeping) habits, and some specifics and made him formulate a theory. He was a scientist, and he had some idea of what things in this world and others was nightmare-producing, first hand. So, like any others god scientist would, he decided to test his theory.
“Hey Cap,” Tony started, one day that it was just him, Steve and Loki in the living room, having some takeout dinner, each one with their own gadget or book, sistracted. “I had a horrible dream about when I fell through that worm hole in New York. You ever have dreams about when you fell on the ice?”
Loki tensed up at the subject, and threw a quick sideways look. This subject interested him, but also made him uncomfortable, tense. This gave Tony the information he needed.
“Too often, yes. Never good dreams. I actually thought of asking you for some pills, but you never know when the dream is going to be one of those, so I usually just try to tire myself out. I'm sorry you have them too, that feeling is awful. And even after the dreams, the sensation lingers for a while, doesn't it? Your whole is tilting, and no armour or super strength can take you out of the fall.”
Loki was trying to keep a straight face, but the lack of sleep and stress of his new living quarters had made him less proficient at hiding emotions. There was pain in his eyes, remembered fear, shared horror, exhaustion. But he was not saying a word, so Tony adressed him directly.
“Lokes, you fell to Earth, didn't you? That give you nightmares too?”
The god is looking at his mug of tea, trying to not to shiver, trying not to let tears come to his eyes. He's so tired, so excruciantingly tired, and now these mortals at poking fingers at his bleeing wound.
“I have fallen many more times than that one, for much longer. A life of thousands of years gives you a lot of material for bad dreams.”
Steve is quicker to catch on than Tony thought he would be. Maybe he hadn't been the only one to notice their resident Chaos god's sleep disturbances.
“Sometimes it helps to share, you know? I thought I could manage perfectly not telling anybody about my issues with my fall, and losing Bucky and Peggy and... but the truth was, once you tell it, especially to people who understand you, it... it haunts you less. It doesn't go away, obviously, but it does help a bit.”
Loki looked up from his mug, and Steve an uncertain smile his way. He didn't know Loki all that well, but he could see that the other man was hurting and knew he could help. So he tried, and hoped Loki would listen, before he hurt himself even further.
“I thought I could manage too.” Tony added. “I couldn't, really. That fall hurt in more ways I could, and I got something called post traumatic stress disorder. It wasn't pretty. But I found ways to cope, sharing like Cap said, facing my problem. And with pills, too, but those don't generally solve the problem.”
“But they help you have a dreamless night?” Loki asked, and there was something kind of sad about the hope in his voice.
“Yeah. If you want one, you're free to take one.”
“You can also come with me to run, if you want. I mean, it probably takes a lot more than what it takes for me to get tired, but I find that I often sleep better after a workout.
“...You are being kind to me.” The sentence was almost a question, tainted with a clear disbelief.
Steve's smile was more confident this time. A grouding, calming expression.
“You're one of us now. You helped Thor, you helped Hulk, you helped your people. You deserve a good night's sleep.”
He is falling, falling forever.
He may be dreaming about falling for the rest of his days. Maybe those falls will forever be a part of him.
But something is different now. When he falls, there are hands reaching out.
Someone there to catch him.
Breaking his fall.