Gus is alive.
The thought follows John, in the back of his his head, as he grabs Marcus, as Lorna bursts from the transport bus, as they speed away. He can’t get rid of it, even ass the group is ready to kill Reed Strucker, as a Trader is on the verge of bleeding out. It stays, at the edge of his mind, until he sits down, hours later at his table.
It used to be a folding chair and a lawn table, scavenged from the trashyard, that they would gather around and decide what to do. They’ve grown since then, in people, power, foolishness. They were pushed back by Gus’s killing (capture), but now they’re back with sentinel serves focusing in on them, and new injuries every day. They’re fucked.
“How are you?” Sonia said, from the doorway. He felt a rush of comfort at seeing her, until he remembered what she’s done. He remembered Clarice eyes, confused and open, asking him if they were ever outside. He had been trying, hard, to gain her trust, and he had something like it. She had looked to him for information, had trusted that he wouldn’t hurt her. That was ruined now, thanks to Sonia, and replaced with something fake, like grocery store cake with a chemical aftertaste. The kind that made you throw up.
“You still haven’t told her,” John said, suddenly resentful of her being here. He had come here to think, to find peace with Gus, and now he couldn’t. Now he had to return to responsibility, and find a way to fix this mess. He couldn’t blame her though; for a long time after he should have stopped, he had welcomed her comfort.
Sonia winced at his harsh tone, and closed the door behind her. Obviously, she didn’t want anyone to hear what she had done. It was hard, to have telepathic abilities, with everyone always fearing that you would manipulate them. But John couldn’t feel too bad for Sonia, not now. She sat in a chair the opposite end of the table, her head down. At times like this, sitting on one side of the table, now functioning more like a desk, with a guilty person on the other, John felt like a principal. Of a particularly rowdy school, of scared people.
“It’s still affecting her, Sonia,” He continued, “She can't sleep and I can tell...whatever memory you gave her, it’s affecting her relationship to me,”
“Her relationship?” Sonia said, her eyebrows raised, “John, what I did made her trust you more.”
“Yes, her relationship with me,” John said, frustrated. “It seemed like she was going to stay on, and if she was, than she needed to be able to trust me. She might trust me because of your memory, but once she knows the truth, she’ll feel betrayed. She might even want to leave. Do you know how many people she could help? You’ve hurt us more in the long run than you’ve helped us,”
“She’s doing great,” Sonia insisted, “She’s able to control her abilities so much better. She transported that car, and then today, Trader. She didn’t even need to think about it. Did you see how confident she was about being able to get in the truck? She helped save us,”
“That doesn’t matter.” John said. He had noticed how much easier she had found her abilities, and had been glad for it in the moment. But it was false progress. Worse, the way she was talking, it seemed very clear that Sonia did not want to tell Clarice, despite saying that she would. “We can’t take her choice away from her. We aren’t monsters, and we can’t just go into people’s minds and take away their autonomy. We don’t force them to fight and die for us. We aren’t Sentinel Services, Sonia.”
It had ended on a yell, causing Sonia to flinch. John made himself take a deep breath, and tried to get his temper under control. This was why he had tried to take a break; he had been able to feel his nerves fraying with each frustrating problem that came up. Everyone was coming to him like he had all the answers, and expecting him to convince them that they were the right answers. It seemed so obvious here. They needed to tell Clarice what had been done to her. They needed to do it soon, because the longer they waited, the crueler it was. Why Sonia hadn’t taken the entire day that they had since then to do the right fucking thing, he had no idea.
“I heard about Gus,” She said, after a few minutes of silence. And John was tempted, so tempted, to just talk to her about it. Before, during, and after their relationship, she had always been good at listening, at understanding, feelings. She had a comforting face, he though, somewhat deliriously. But he knew that he couldn’t talk to her about this.
“Yeah,” John said, “It’s a problem. If they can block our abilities, just like that...Maybe we should restart teaching some of the non-offensively powered people how to shoot a gun. And the powered people, too, I mean.” They had stopped after Gus died, (was taken) deciding to stop sending people without directly offensive powers into the fight.
“John,” Sonia said, softly. She wanted him to share about how he was feeling, and he wanted to, too. But he couldn’t. She had lied to his face about telling Clarice, and she hadn’t trusted his instruction not to.
“You have a hard conversation in front of you,” He said, grabbing a random pile of papers from the desk, and picking up them, like he was going to read them, “I would prepare for it, Sonia. If you don’t tell her this time, then I’m going to.” He looked down at the papers, which a series of math problems. Sage, he thought, almost fondly. When they had been discussing the plan, she must’ve been worried. She did equations like this to calm herself down.
Sonia knew that she had been dismissed, but seemed like she was going to stay. She was determined, and John almost felt proud of her. She had been low when she first came here, druggy and skittish. For a long time, she had been at the periphery of his vision, close with Lorna and obviously beautiful, but not someone he thought about. Then she had gained something like confidence, and it was like she had light the whole place up.
He didn’t notice Lorna coming in, sitting down and putting her legs on the table, until she banged a metal shoe once on it. It shook, and he looked up. God, he had missed her. Not more than Marcus, because nobody could miss her more than Marcus. But he had missed having her around. She could take at least half of the problems.
“So, you wanna fill me in on what’s been happening?” She asked, gesturing around, “Marcus said that he hasn’t been following anything that’s happening.
“I’m surprised that you two aren’t still stuck to each other’s side,” John said, putting down the papers. He had been trying to figure out how one of the problems worked, trying to remember some of his college mechanics. He understood about half of it, but the rest was beyond him. “I would think that Marcus wouldn’t let you out of his sight for at least another year,”
Lorna smiled, brightly. “Yeah, I got that impression. But he gets it. I need to know what’ being going on. How else are you going to take a break?”
John felt a rush of gratitude at her words, but he knew that it was impossible, “I wish a break was in our future.” He started to fill her in on some of the larger stuff, leaving out Marcus’s visit to Carmen. She likely knew, and if she didn’t, he couldn’t be the one to tell her. He doubted that Marcus would hide it from her, though. He hoped that he didn’t. Dear god, that would be terrible.
“Hell,” Lorna said, after a few minutes. She looks at her hands, laid out on the table. “It’s only been a couple days. A week. And yet...This.”
“What can I saw?” John said, “Without you, we just fall apart,” It was only half a joke.
After a long moment, spent looking at her hands, she began again, “She just wants to help. Sonia, I mean. She hasn’t be able to help in this kind of situation in forever. Not since Eve. And that...Well, she probably wanted to help. She did it in the worst way possible. Do you remember when we got to Clarice’s apartment? She was already skittish, and this will drive her away.”
“She’s gotten a lot better,” John said. Clarice wasn’t skittish. She had been scared, and rightfully so. She’d been brave, beyond brave, since. She had been stretched to the edges of her abilities and carried on. “She’s strong,”
Lorna looked at him for a moment, eyebrows raised. She let it pass though. He felt a little affronted at that. She was usually the one to make connections with the newbies, and begin their training, teaching them to love being a mutant, and he was usually the one to plan attacks and train them more intensively. That didn’t mean he couldn’t connect with the newbies.
“The man in charge of the case, Turner,” Lorna started, looking out the office, into the main center. There were kids there, and people just laying around, being happy. The tension had died down as much as it could, and there was calm, “He’s not going to let this go. He hates us, John,”
“They always do,” He said, unable to keep a little bitterness out of his voice. When he was in the Marines, back before it was really bad, his squad had thought it was cool, what he could do. Now the government and armed forces was filled with men like Turner, who thought he should be dead.
“Not like him,” Lorna said, “I know we always said we were in a war, John. But it wasn’t a real war. It wasn’t like how it’s going to be now. Turner is going to destroy us or die trying,”
“Good news for us, then” John said, “We have the Mistress of Magnetism back with us,” She laughed, despite how serious she was. He could tell that she was already itching to get back to Marcus, and he couldn’t blame her. He had chosen not to start a relationship while he was leading the group, but he wanted...something. Not even a relationship, just someone that he could be around, and not have to worry. He hadn’t even really had that with Sonia since their breakup, since there was always the tension of I wish, I wish, I wish.
“Yeah, I’ll take them all down by myself.” Lorna said, jokingly, “You can all watch, just like you and Marcus did today,”
“You had it under control,” John said. She was getting ready to go when he remembered, “Hey, Lorna. Marcus told me. About the...Congratulations, I mean,”
She stopped moving and turned back at him. She didn’t look excited, but he could see some hope in her eyes. It was going to be hard, an added pain. But she was happy, anyway. “Yeah? Thanks. It’s...it’s a complication for sure. But I can’t bring myself to be mad about it.”
“Don’t,” John said, and, then, just as she was leaving, he couldn’t help throwing out, “Do you think we should start giving out condoms?”
A piece of metal came at him, wildly veering off from his head, but close enough to startle him, and he couldn’t contain his laugh. The burden wasn’t lifted, but it was shared, and that was all he could ever ask for.
He had still barely thought about Gus, he realized, and laughed. It had been the same when he had died. John had wanted to mourn him, properly. But they barely got everything together for a small funeral, with no body, on the edge of the property. There hadn't been a body because he hadn't been dead, apparently.
But he was dead, in another way. Whatever they had done to him, Gus, Pulse, was gone. It wasn’t any comfort, and worse, it was impossible to escape him in the headquarters. Memories of him were everywhere. And he couldn't be interrupted again. Maybe it was selfish, but he needed to get out.
The day was hot, and bright, like it had been for the past week. He liked the area outside the house, and had the vaguest idea that he would go to Gus’s makeshift grave, and talk to him, maybe. His feet took him towards the training area, though. That was where they had become friends, Gus and him. If Gus was anywhere in the area, it was there.
He didn’t find an empty space though. Instead, he found Clarice.
She stood where the two them had the day before, when she tried to master her fear. She wore the same outfit as before, but her hair was all messed up, like she had been sleeping. Last thing he knew, she had, trying to get energy back from her last few portals.
“Oh god, is this your area?” She said, frustratedly. “Is this your happy place? God,”
“No, not really,” John said, quickly. “I can leave, I just...How are you?”
“Angry,” She said, without hesitation. Then, she paused before “Dreamer told me. About the whole, insert a memory, make me into a functional mutant, then make me a confused mess.”
“Good,” John said, relief evident in his tone. He wished that he didn’t sound so happy at the knowledge, but at least it was out in the open, “That’s good. You deserve to know,”
“Yeah,” Clarice said, turning away from him. “Yeah, I guess I do.”
“What she did was wrong,” John said, though he got the feeling that Clarice just wanted him to go away. He probably should, soon, but he wanted her to know that Sonia had acted alone. “She suggested it early, and we said no. The fact that she did it, anyway...”
“It’s fine,” Clarice said, still looking away, “It’s fine...She did what she had to do. I want to break her nose for it, but I get it, I really do. She had a way to help, and she took it. At least she could do something.”
“What do you mean?” John asked. He had heard the catch in her sentence.
“I’m useless,” She said, finally turning back to him. In her hand, there was a small portal that immediately broke down, “I was proud of myself. I got that car back to the headquarters, I teleported Trader. I was in control. But it wasn’t me at all. It was just fake,”
“You did do it, Clarice,” He said, stepping a few feet closer to her, “Don’t lie to yourself. You did that, not Sonia. You found the strength, when you really needed it. You would have found it without her manipulation,”
“I doubt it,” She said, with a face, “I spent years, years, trying to marshall my powers. This time, after my coma? It’s not the first time I’ve gone totally powerless. For the first time, I really had control, and it was fake,”
“It wasn’t fake,” John said, “Look, I’ve been here a while. And nobody, nobody has control over their powerful before they get here. Some have too much, some have too little. They’ve spent a life in fear or anger, hated and threatened. You can’t even function as a person in that world, not even to mention harness your abilities. The reason you gained control wasn’t because of Sonia. It wasn't because of some memory planted in your mind. It was because of you. And you can’t lose sight of that,”
Clarice was silent for a long moment. They stood beside each other, just staring. She looked guarded, and it gave him a twinge in his chest. He didn’t want her to distrust him, but it was probably for the best. It wasn’t fake, at least. After a few minutes, he sat down, tired of standing there, and doing nothing. To his surprise, she sat down with him.
“So, you were practicing?” He asked, finally.
“Yeah,” She said, nodding, “Yeah, or trying to. It’s hard.” She looked at him, and then away, “What were you doing here?”
John sighed, but she deserved the truth, much as he didn’t want to talk about it, “That mutant, Pulse? It was him. He didn’t die. He was there. I...We thought he was dead, so we left him. I was going to go to his grave. But I came here instead,”
“Oh,” Clarice said, looking back at him. He liked her eyes, he realized. He had seen a lot of eye mutations in his life, but never any like hers. They were right on the edge between insectoid and human, and they were interesting. “I’m sorry,”
“It’s alright,” He said, their eyes still locked. He broke it, finally, and spoke again, “I trained him. Here. Better memories than the grave,”
“Yeah, I bet,” She said.
They sat like that, for a long time. The tension disappeared, in their silence, and John felt like he could relax, for the first time in ages. Eventually, it grew dark, and he knew that they should go back to the house. But they stayed there awhile longer, alone but not alone. He hadn’t needed to talk to anyone, he realized. He had just needed to not be alone. And Clarice needed that, too, apparently. It was a mistake, but everyone else got to make them. So he just enjoyed the comfort.