He wasn’t dumb.
That much was obviously obvious. But he knew when he was being excluded, or ignored. He’d been as such often enough, and knew the feelings well. His whole life he’d been looking for validation because of it, and had finally found it, at least some of it, with Steve and Bucky. Now, however, his brain was running at a million miles trying to figure out where he went wrong.
His eyes were stuck, glued practically, on the back of Steve’s head, and his perfectly combed blonde hair. He could still the soft tufts in between his calloused fingers, pulled tightly as Steve’s mouth worked his cock just the way he liked it, a few days ago. His ears were still ringing with the angelic sound of Bucky’s husky voice encouraging Steve, his own mouth locked on Tony’s earlobe, sucking gently.
Tony knew he had problems, he could admit that. All day long, really. He has issues expressing himself properly, and didn’t know how to show his emotions like a normal human being would. He knew he had problems expressing affection, and he would readily admit, to himself, that getting wasted and begging Bucky to fuck him hard wasn’t the best way of going about it. Hell, he’d even starting seeing a shrink, because Steve told him to, and Tony trusted Steve.
So where did he go wrong?
His eyes never left Steve’s head, which was now leaning forward so Steve could gently brush his lips against the nape of Bucky’s neck, his hands tightly gripping his hips so he could pull them against his own. Bucky’s knees were pressed into the bed frame, Steve’s large body pushing him slowly onto the soft, cushioning bed the three of them slept on every night. Tony watched, stuck on the spot.
Normally, he would be hard by now, his cock aching to feel Bucky’s warm, or cold, hand wrapped around it and tugging slightly. But now, he was simply watching. And not participating. And lately, that seemed to be a reoccurring phenomenon. And Tony didn’t know how to feel about it, and his heart was aching more than his dick, which was as soft as it had been for a while. And if that didn’t highlight how pathetic he was feeling, he wasn’t sure what would.
A few days ago, when Steve’s tongue was running itself up Tony’s shivering stomach, his hand roughly palming Tony though his sweats, and the cool touch of Bucky’s metal hand was clutching his hair, Tony had felt better than ever. But after they were done, and they were all laying, naked and sweating, in their bed, Tony had felt a creeping sensation hit his upper chest as he watched Steve and Bucky grin at each other, their eyes twinkling, before turning to their pillows and shutting them.
Tony knew better than to pick apart every action the two made, it was a well enough times they made that smile to himself, but they didn’t do it as often. It was like everywhere he turned the two were holding hands, kissing cheeks, laughing loudly: inseparable. And Tony, he was always on the sidelines, still there but watching only. And maybe that was only him wanting to feel that way, his emotions were a bitch at the best of times, but his brain was constantly sending of danger signals everytime he saw them.
The thing was, the real meat of the problem, was that Steve and Bucky had history. They’d faced so many adversaries and troubles, now that they had each other, they were far from wanting to let go again. And Tony didn’t blame them, not a bit, but it hurt knowing he’d never have that: he just didn’t have that history. And sure, he could make history, has been for the year they’ve all been officially together, but was it enough?
Was he enough?
Bucky was laying down now, his head now slightly raised off the bed, his eyes squeezed shut and his mouth hanging slightly as Steve’s teeth grazed his cock. And Tony couldn’t watch anymore, couldn’t bare knowing he wasn’t laying beside them, couldn’t process the thought they might not even be thinking of him right now as they did this.
Tony’s feet were walking away from the door now, his eyes barely seeing where he was going, just enough to keep the path to the elevator. His mind still contained the image of the two, blissfully unaware of his existence, probably, searing into his head.
The questiom, really, was how was he going to fix this? Or him, rather? Tony loved those two, more than he’d loved anyone else, he figured, So he couldn’t let this turn into something it shouldn’t. He wouldn’t let this tune into a huge argument: which is precisely why he couldn’t tell Steve or Bucky what he was thinking. He hated confronting them; Steve got all worried and puppy-eyed, and Bucky looked like Tony had just slapped him in the face. And that wasn’t their problem, it was only Tomy causing problems.
And Tony seemed to be causing problems always, lately. And he wanted to fix that, wanted to keep this whole relationship perfect.
Tony found himself in his lab, blinking away his train of thought. It was dirty and filled with half-finished projects littering the floor and desks. Tony briefly started clearing the parts, then gave up and slumped into his trusted chair. His mind kept reminding him where Steve and Bucky were currently, and that only caused his anger and resentment to grow bigger. But it wasn’t at them: it was at himself.
Because really, who was he to tear them apart? They’d been with each other longer than with him, had only let him in a year ago after professing their feelings, but maybe that was because they liked him then, and the now was now? It seemed the only times Tony ever felt like he belonged was when they were fucking, and even he knew that was an issue. So was it him, or them? Was it better to just use that to an advantage?
Tony wasn’t dumb.
————
Tony was ready. He had started planning this that day, and it had taken him another two to execute it, but he was ready.
His hair was freshly cut, swooped over his forehead and tufted up, just the way Steve liked it, and his face was shaved just enough to leave a small amount of stubble that Bucky loved to graze with his tongue. His clothes hugged his lean body, muscled from his years of working and his time as Iron Man, shaping his tight stomach and skinny legs. His hands were still rough, there was nothing he could do about that in two days, but they were freshly smooth and softer than ever, a complaint Steve often made that he needed to take better care of his hands after using them for hours.
Tony felt dumb, frankly, like he was starring in a cheap teen romance movie, and that was perfect. He had narrowed the problem down to two things; his work schudule and his appearance.
He was always hectic, building things and spending all night puttuing things together and then smashing them after it didn’t work out. He’d admit he didn’t spend as much time with Steve and Bucky as he would have liked, but he also knew he’d cut his work time practically in half already after he joined the trio, and it wasn’t enough.
And because of this, his appearance has taken the tank. He was often focused on other things, Steve and Bucky or his work, or the team, or something or other he couldn’t think of right now. But the night Steve and Bucky had professed their love, was the night Tony had earlier attended an important party with an even more important client, and he was dressed to the nines that night. And logically, that was a weird night to open about feelings, so his looks must have had something to do with it, at least a little. And Tony didn’t blame the two, he knew he sure wasn’t ugly on the worst days.
But maybe, if he stopped working so hard and kept up his looks, they’d be interested again, keep interested. Steve was always kept, it was just something he did naturally, and Bucky had that naturally-rugged look to him that made Tony’s pants tighten. So it made sense Tony should do the same.
And now, he had invited the two to a dinner, not a fancy place, but fancy enough to warrant his outfit. An expensive brand-name shirt that collared his shoulders Bucky so loved to bruise as he gripped them to thrust harder, and some nice tight jeans that made his ass look good, by his standards.
Tony nodded to himself, formulating the nights plans in his head perfectly. It was almost eight, meaning he had just enough time to be fashionably late, as usual.
Tomy gripped his keys tightly in his hand, indenting his skin briefly, before climbing into the car. He had told the two to meet him there, so he could calm himself right before seeing them. He wanted this to go perfectly, if it didn’t, he might be kicked off the relationship train, and Tony wasn’t willing to think about that.
As he pulled up to the restaurant, he collected himself and put on a casual air, like this was the most natural thing in the world. And really, it was. Being with Steve and Bucky felt natural, and Tony relished int he feeling every chance he got.
Tony tipped the waiter as he passed with a glass of white wine, gripping the cool glass as he idly searches for his table. Finally, the plan started as he waltzed up to the table, his chest pounding at Steve’s appreciative stare and Bucky’s low whistle.
“What’s the occasion?” Bucky asked lowly, not one to bring attention to himself in public. Steve nodded slightly, a smile tugging at his lips as his eyes searched Tony.
“Nothing, Barnes,” Tony answered causally, taking his seat at the table. Bucky raised an eyebrow, but kept quiet. He glanced at Steve, who grinned, which nearly drove Tony mad. He leaned forward on his elbows and quickly searched the menu, before deciding on something he couldn’t pronounce and focusing again on the other two present.
Steve was dressed in a nice button up, his hair swept to the side, slightly falling on his eyes as it frayed. Tony eyed him, his broad shoulders filling the shirt perfectly. And Bucky was a sight, too, a loose black sweater hung on his frame, unzipped, to show a calm graphic tee underneath. It was amazing how the man could make causal look fancy. Tony’s chest was pounding just looking at them.
This time, it wasn’t lust that was driving it, it was the pure feeling of being there. Tony prided himself on being dependant, but being here next to the men he loved was a feeling he wanted to keep forever. And with a steady breath, he realized this was all so stupid.
Because he’d never get that.
It didn’t matter what he wore, what he said, what he tried, because as the dinner went on Steve and Bucky couldn’t keep their eyes of each other, and even though they both felt for Tony’s hand to hold, and told him how lovely the evening was and how much they loved him, Tony felt like it wasn’t enough. He would never be enough, not like they he wanted to be.
Tony wasn’t dumb.
———
After that, Tony went home and slept with his partners, sexually and then literally. And it was all amazing, but Tony couldn’t shake the feeling of self worth, or lack of. He wasn’t stupid, he knew what he was feeling wasn’t smart either, but his brain kept telling him what was happening was his fault. And if he was honest, he hated it. A lot. If Tony hated anything, it was his own brain turning against him. It was the epitome of irony.
He also knew Steve and Bucky were getting suspicious. Tony wasn’t hiding his thoughts as well as he’d hoped, because soon the two were cornering him, with concerned faces.
“Somethings wrong, Tony,” Steve muttered, reaching out to tuck a tuft of hair out of Tony’s face. Bucky was standing beside him, his mouth tight but his eyes swimming with worry.
“Why’you say that?” Tony mumbled, idly tinkering with a spare part of a new suit he’d been working on. His fingers hurriedly worked over the object, his mind desperate to escape the situation. The two seemed to notice, and looked at each other. Tony grit his teeth, deeply wishing he could tear them away from each other.
“Something’s wromg, obviously,” Bucky pointed out, eyeing the object twirling in Tony’s hands. Tony quickly tossed the part down on his desk and crossed his arms, tucking his hands under his armpits.
“I don’t think so,” Tony said casually.
Steve sighed and closed his eyes, as he did when something annoyed him. And that made Tony’s chest panic, thumping against his ribcage as if telling him to fix the situation.
“I’m sorry?” He blurted, switching from foot to foot uncomfortably. He desperately wanted to be casual, to shrug off this cornering and continue living, but he was having trouble, and he resented it. He kept his face straight, eyes open, even if he wanted to close them and try to escape this room.
“For what?” Steve asked, reaching out again to brush some more of Tony’s hair. As his fingers touched Tony’s forehead, Tony leaned into his touch, wanting to feel its warmth and comforting feeling. Steve smiled softly and cupped Tony’s chin, leaning in. Tony relished Steve’s soft, smooth lips pressed against his for just a moment, before sighing when he leaned off.
”What’s this all about, Tony?” Bucky ran a hand up Tony’s back, smoothing his shirt, resting it on his shoulder comfortably.
“Noth-“
”And it’s not nothing,” Bucky finished.
”You can tell us anything, Tony. We love you,” Steve muttered, running his fingers though Tony’s tough hair. Tony closed his eyes finally and focused on the feeling.
“Do you really?” Tony asked suddenly, the words leaving his mouth before he could stop them. Steve’s hands paused, Bucky’s breath stilled, and Tony’s heart swelled with panic to the point he was sure it would burst against his ribs.
“Why do you ask that?” Steve stepped back, removing his hand. It wasn’t an accusatory tone, but a hurt one, and Tony wished he could take it all back. He dared not open his eyes: he couldn’t stand seeing that hurt face Steve had.
“I... “ Tony wasn’t sure what to say. He felt Bucky press his hand against his shoulder, squeezing it slightly, but saying nothing. Because Bucky knew what these feelings felt like, he felt them when he remembered Steve again.
Tony took a breath, keeping his eyes sealed. “I know you love me. I do. But sometimes, I wonder if I’ll ever be...” he paused, not sure how to say it.
“Enough?” Steve finished, his voice far away.
“Enough.” Tony repeated. “I don’t have the history you two have, or the memories, and seeing you two so in love for so long, how’s a guy supposed to feel?” Tony questioned, opening his eyes. He felt odd, he wasn’t one to share his feelings, not without a drink, but he felt sober as ever. Maybe it was the comfort he had surrounded by Steve and Bucky, or maybe it was because his brain was tired, just in general.
“Tony,” Bucky muttered. His voice dripped of Brooklyn, what it did when he was frustrated with something. He’d heard it often when Bucky was relearning how to do basic things in today’s age. It was those memories Tony wished he could focus on, instead of all this shit.
“Why would you think that?” Steve stepped forward again and pulled Tony into his arms, wrapping his arms around Tony’s waist. The comforting feeling was familiar and welcomed by Tony.
“I dunno,” Tony muttered, tired as hell all of a sudden.
Steve pulled his head back and tipped Tony’s to meet his eyes. “I love you, Tony Stark, everything about you.”
Bucky leaned over and grasped at Tony’s hips, pressing himself against them to get close to Tony’s ear. “And I love you, even when you’re being stupid.”
Tony breathed in, overwhelmed by the sheer amount of feelings, which he tried to avoid at all costs, that was filling his head. The two kissed at his neck, Bucky trailing his lips upwards to his ear, whispering lowly. Steve’s hands tightened on Tony’s waist, his hips pushing forward.
Tony unabashedly let out a soft groan, relaxing his tense shoulders. The situation had somehow turned into his favour, thank god, and he was feeling strange and amazing at the same time.
”What can we do to help?” Steve mumbled against his neck, his chest pressed against Tony’s.
“I... ,” Tony’s throat closed as Bucky’s hand traveled down his pelvis, his fingers brushing against the steady buldge growing in his jeans.
“Tell me, baby,” Bucky murmured softly, his tongue trailing Tony’s nape.
Tony’s knees trembled, Steve’s strong hands keeping him up, the two’s hot mouths searching Tony’s body for answers.
“I just want- to be enough,” Tony whispered, raising his hips to meet Steve’s.
Steve laughed softly and bite down on Tony’s lip, swiping his tongue along the bottom. “You were always enough, even if you aren’t fancy.”
“God, Tony, we couldn’t live without you,” Bucky mumbled, gently rubbing his buldge against Tony’s ass, breathing into his neck.
“You’re so perfect and I fucking love you,” Steve whispered. His lips met Tony’s again, quieting Tony’s slow whimpers. Bucky laced his fingers with Tony’s, kissing his shoulder blades roughly. Tony squeezed his eyes shut, spreading his knees slightly so Steve could press against him just perfectly.
With a soft grunt, Tony was cumming, gripping Steve’s sides and pressing back against Bucky. He tipped his head and jerked his hips as the rush ripped through him, crying out into Steve’s collarbone. Tony felt Steve still, his hands tightening on his waist as he followed Tony and whimpered. Bucky buried his face into Tony’s nape, gripping Tony’s thighs to push against him a few more times before he lost himself, letting out a long breath before quieting.
The three stood silently, with only low breathing between them, for a long while.
“I’m sorry if we gave you the impression we didn’t care about you,” Steve murmured, kissing Tony softly.
“No, it’s just me being dumb-“
“You’re not dumb,” Steve interrupted. “And we’re not leaving you again until you learn that we love you, always.”
Tony sighed. His whole brain was hurting, confused about all these feelings he was feeling, all this confusing emotion that had creeped on him so quickly the last few days. His brain was rattling on, telling him Steve and Bucky couldn’t, wouldn’t, love him as much as they loved each other, but Tony was growing tired of his brains never-ending bitching.
Somehow, the three made their way up to the bedroom, covered in the thick blankets curling around their bodies. Tony was in the middle, his body surrounded by the other two, who’s arms were laced around his stomach, and their legs tangled around his. For a while they whispered sweet nothings in his ear, kissing him softly, rubbing his arms.
Soon, the three were asleep, exhausted from today’s endeavours. Tony knew when we woke up his brain would run another million miles, listing off all sorts of excuses why Steve and Bucky didn’t love him, not enough, that he wasn’t enough, but for now, he was content.
He knew his troubles, his incoherent thoughts, were far from over. But he also knew these two loved him, however much, and right now that was enough.
After all, Tony wasn’t dumb.