Surfacing

“I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.”

J.R.R Tolkien 

The exhaustion hit about an hour into Brett’s questioning. Men and women died today, and the air felt heavy with death. The sound of gunfire and explosions had faded, but the red stains on the wall remained. At least for another day before the hotel hastily remodeled. And then onto the next tragedy. Today felt like as much a failure as it did a turning point.

All the interviews felt like a game of cat and mouse and after today, she was sick of being played with. Brett looked at her like she was playing coy, and yeah-maybe she was, but her words were matched with hard steel. She wasn’t going to take any shit or let Frank be the scapegoat. Not today. Not after.

“What did Castle say to you when all this was going down Karen?”

Brett’s voice faded to the background and a quiet hum took over as she remembered the pressure of the gun under her chin. Frank had not been gentle, he couldn’t be. It needed to look real. He had a tight grip on her and she could almost hear the snarl brewing under his harsh breathing.

He hated this. He hated her being in this position. She knew that.

The instant the elevator doors shut, he released her and collapsed against the wall. Karen took a ragged breath and it felt like she was surfacing after diving into frigid water. Her lungs hurt, and she could hear Frank struggling beside her. He looked awful, alive-but awful.

He took a bullet for her. The shock of it all held her captive in her own body. Frank would have died for her. And that knowledge made her stomach twist itself into knots. He kept his word and came for her. Karen never doubted that. She had seen the fear in his eyes as Lewis waved the trigger in front of her.

Still bracing herself against the cool metal, Karen reached out to touch Frank. The pull to feel his warmth was magnetic and an impulse she couldn’t ignore. She reached for him after the blast and she’d continue to seek out his presence.

This time he was slumped too far away. He met her gaze and something of an acknowledgment passed between them.

Her heart raced, and she could see he was already in motion, calculating his escape. And just for a moment, just for a few minutes, she wanted to submerge herself in that freezing water again. To float in limbo with him for as long as she could. Sink to that place where no one could touch them.

She pulled the emergency stop and the elevator lurched before halting its ascent. Her breathing slowed, and she felt clear headed for the first time since Lewis grabbed her.

Karen didn’t hesitate when Frank handed her back the gun. It felt right in her hands. She watched from the corner as he secured his exit. His breathing was still ragged and heavy. Every step he took looked like it drained him of the little he had left to give. Though she never saw him shake from it all, she saw a wild look in his eyes. The mask Frank Castle wore was stripped and all that was left was brokenness. The look of an animal trapped, driven to exhaustion by the instinct to survive. It was what she had been trying to describe to him that night.

“All I can see is just this endless, echoing loneliness.”

Blood soaked and savage, he hadn’t even registered the piece of metal debris sticking out of his arm. He wasn’t going to stop, and she didn’t want him to, she just needed him to slow down. To breathe.

“Frank…Frank.” Her voice was pitched low with emotion.

He didn’t back away when she closed the gap between them.

His breathing slowed. His gaze followed the bloody scrapes on her temple and finally he looked her in the eye. And the more she looked at him, the more he saw. There was strength, sadness, fear, concern, evotion, and love.

Love.

There was a time when he would have left with a skeleton of a goodbye and fled. Not now. Not after everything. Though his body swayed, he stayed his ground.

Frank leaned forward, resting his head against hers. He closed his eyes and breathed her in. Sharing the same breath, it felt like the closest thing to home. Karen leaned in.She watched him find himself again and she wanted to twine her fingers into his gear and hold him to her. To hang on to this moment and never let go. Never go back.

But like ice breaking, there was nothing permanent about their situation. She knew they couldn’t stay in limbo any longer, so she said the only thing she could say.

“Go.”

When Karen backed away she saw something leave him. There was that vacant, wide eyed look again. A mask worn out of necessity. She could see that and there was no anger or blame in her because of it. Frank swallowed hard and his voice was rough when he told her to take care before he made a calculated jump.

She felt tears form as she heard his grunt of pain as he pulled himself through and her heart broke. Scars reopened from a wound she had allowed to heal after that night in the woods. He was gone again.

And that hurt more than the bruises blooming below the surface of her skin. Here they were again, broken and bleeding. And the only right thing about the whole situation was that they were together again, but it couldn’t last. It never did.

“Karen?”

Karen glanced up at Brett and she came back to herself. She cleared her throat, “Sorry, what was the question?”

Brett shook his head. She hadn’t been listening to a word he said.

“I’ll move on to the next question then. You got someone you can call to meet you at home? Someone who can be with you?”

She smiled faintly, “I’ll be fine. Been through this before.”

Brett let out a sigh and straightened his tie, “That’s what worries me.”

Karen gathered her things and had the thought that she’d have to go purse shopping. She made her way to the damaged doorway and Brett followed, a safe distance behind.

“I’m going to send you home with an escort.”

“Brett, you don’t have to do that.”

He held up a hand, “I know. But you look dead on your feet and I think it’s safe to say you’ve had a shit day, so just accept the offer.”

He raised his eyebrows and held her gaze. She swallowed and nodded. This wasn’t an offense, it was a kindness. She didn’t need to fight any more battles today.

Brett’s gaze softened slightly before he waved an officer over and instructed her to escort Ms. Page back to her apartment.

The officer walked her up to her door and Karen smiled at her before she shut the door. She slid out of her shoes and turned the lights on, taking in her apartment. She stood there for a moment. Unsure about what to do next. No matter what shit had happened to her, she wasn’t immune to the numbing effect of shock. She wondered if she ever would get used to it.

She knew she should shower, eat and drink something, probably sleep. Rest.

She wanted to sit down to write while the memories were still fresh, but all she did was stand there and start to weep. The whole thing hurt. She angrily wiped the tears away and took a deep breath. Doing nothing wasn’t the answer.

Karen started with a shower. She scrubbed at her skin till it was raw. The smell of blood and fear was caked on her and she breathed a sigh of relief when it was gone. Replaced with her lavender scented soap. Breathing in the steam, she replayed the moment Lewis broke down the door and came into the hotel suite. When she stared down the barrel of a gun. When Frank dove in front of her, taking the bullet.

Karen took a sharp breath and shut off the hot water. Wrapping a towel around herself, she stepped into her living room, half expecting, half hoping Frank would be there dripping blood on her couch. But the room was empty and the only stain on her couch was from spilled red wine.

She changed and ate leftovers from the dinner she made last night and poured herself a generous glass of wine as she ate silently. She wouldn’t allow herself to imagine where Frank was and when…if… she would see him again.

We are all lonely. Sometimes I think that’s all that life is. We’re just fighting not to be alone

Her own words came back to haunt her. She dropped her dirty dishes in the sink and carried her glass of wine to the bedroom. She downed the last of its contents and crawled under the blankets, allowing the alcohol and exhaustion to lull her to sleep. Her fight was over for today at least. She’d be a fool to run into the streets to chase after Frank and try to stop him. She knew that now.

It was his choice to make.

She would wait patiently. Ready to embrace him after.