Chapter 2
Natasha burst through the doors, her face set in her usual mask of complete calm. The only hint that anything was wrong was her quick pace as she walked through the halls of SHIELD headquarters, a determined look on her face. Anyone who saw her would most likely assume that she was on a mission or trying to inform SHIELD of a potential threat, it wouldn’t be anything new, they were used to Natasha coming into headquarters with a similar expression. No one could possibly know what was running through her mind, hell, she could barely figure out what was going through her mind. She was experiencing too many emotions at once to know what to focus on. There was the hope and relief of knowing that Clint was alive, of knowing that he was back now, that Natasha was moments away from seeing her fiance for the first time in over a year. Part of that relief was overshadowed by the suffocating fear, the fear that Clint would be hurt and broken and that Natasha wouldn’t be able to handle seeing him like that. He’d been held by HYDRA for a year, it would be foolish to think that he would come back unscathed. He would probably be scared and traumatised, he might not want to be touched, he almost definitely wouldn’t want to talk about what he’d been through. Natasha was so frightened that she wouldn’t be able to handle it, that she wouldn’t be able to help put Clint back together after this. That insecurity was eating away at her even as she walked directly towards the infirmary, Bucky trailing behind her.
Natasha wouldn’t let anyone stand in her way, weaving through various agents to get to her destination. She couldn’t even process that Bucky was calling after her, getting further and further behind her as she walked with only one thought in mind. Clint. She had to get to Clint, she had to see him. Her emotions didn’t matter, not right now. All that mattered was Clint and getting to him, not Natasha’s fear of breaking down when she saw him, not her anger at HYDRA, nothing but Clint. She stormed into the waiting room of the infirmary, coming face-to-face with none other than Nick Fury, standing with his arms behind his back, as if he had been waiting for Natasha to arrive, which he most-likely was. He fixed his gaze on Natasha and when she moved to enter the infirmary, he stepped in her path, blocking her when she tried to go around him.
Natasha’s eyes narrowed and she growled. “Get out of my way, Fury.” She spat, her voice laced with venom.
“Romanoff.” Fury’s voice was calm and steady, but held the same no-nonsense tone that it always did. “Sit down.” His voice made it clear that it was not a request.
Natasha wanted to scream, she wanted to punch Fury in his stupid face. How dare he ask her to sit down, to wait even another second before running to Clint? She wanted to scream and punch and cry, but she did none of those things. Her face remained stoic, fixing Fury with an icy glare before slowly sitting down in one of the chairs. “Is there a reason for this?” She asked, her voice cold and emotionless.
Fury sighed, standing in front of Natasha as she stared up at him. He cleared his throat, very clearly trying to think of how to word the information he was about to give the agent before him. “I understand that you are eager to see Barton.” He started, being cut off by Natasha’s scoff. He fixed her with a glare before continuing. “I didn’t intend on you being informed of Barton’s retrieval this soon.” He admitted and Natasha balled her hands into fists. Retrieval. Like Clint was nothing more than a tool. “Captain Rogers clearly had other ideas.” His face changed into a grimace, clearly unhappy with Steve’s decision to tell Natasha. “There’s no changing that now.” He said resolutely. “But I need you to handle this with the highest degree of professionalism. I understand that this is rather personal to you, but-”
Natasha couldn’t hold back anymore. “Of fucking course it’s personal.” She snapped. “He’s my fiance .” She crossed her arms, glaring at Fury with fire in her eyes. “And I have the right to know-”
“But if you want to continue being informed on his condition, I need you to remain professional and unbiased.” Fury continued as if he hadn’t heard Natasha’s interruption. “If you think that you can’t handle that, it would be best for you to leave now.” He made it sound like it was an offer, but they both knew exactly what it was. It was a threat, a threat that he was holding over Natasha’s head. If she didn’t listen, if she didn’t obey, she wouldn’t be able to see Clint. She would be cut off, her clearance denied, and she wouldn’t be able to see Clint until he was released. Fury stared directly into Natasha’s eyes. “Is that understood?”
Natasha was silent for a long time, glaring back into Fury’s eyes as he tried to intimidate her. Her heart was beating wildly in her chest, her blood pumping through her veins so intensely that she could feel it. She took a breath, never breaking eye contact with Fury. “Understood.” She spoke eventually, her voice still cold and even, betraying no hint of emotion.
Fury studied her a moment before nodding. “Good.” He stood up straighter. “There is...a situation.” He spoke slowly, eyes trained on Natasha’s face. A situation. That wasn’t good, that was never good. A situation meant that something was wrong. Natasha felt nauseous, but her face remained blank and she kept quiet, listening intently to Fury’s words. “Captain Rogers has no doubt informed you that it was HYDRA who took Barton?” He looked at her for confirmation, which he received with a simple nod. “We had been watching this particular base for a few months, as we had suspicions of the activity within. We sent a team in to take out the base and retrieve as much information as they cold.” He explained, Natasha hanging onto every word. “Captain Rogers was a part of this group, as I assume you’ve gathered. During the battle, Barton was discovered along with many other missing agents.” Natasha didn’t care. She didn’t care about any of this. She just wanted to see Clint, she wanted to know if he was okay. Fury must be able to see that. “Rogers and his team returned to SHIELD three hours ago, claiming that the mission was a success, bringing in Barton and the other agents.” He continued. “Rogers informed me of what happened at the base and explained the situation.”
“And what is the situation, exactly?” Natasha’s voice was as calm as ever, but inside she was furious. What the hell had happened and why was Fury stalling?
Fury inhaled sharply. “Captain Rogers requested to be the one to tell you.” He said, voice unchanging. He stepped aside and it was the first time Natasha noticed Steve sitting a few chairs away. He was hunched over, eyes firmly on the ground. He looked so tired, like his age had caught up with him within a matter of hours. There was pain in his eyes, a sadness that Natasha could see clearly. The sight made her heart leap into her throat. Something was wrong, horribly wrong. Clint must be in really bad shape to make that look appear on Steve’s face. That look of pure hurt and hopelessness that Natasha could recognize on anyone’s face, she’d seen it countless times. That was the face of someone who had just experienced great loss and was barely holding it together. Oh God, what had happened?
Natasha watched anxiously as Fury walked to Steve, tapping him on the shoulder, making the soldier jump as he was pulled from his thoughts. He looked at Fury before his gaze landed on Natasha, nodding in simple acknowledgement of whatever Fury was telling him. Steve got to his feet, looking as though his body held the weight of the world within its bones. Each step he took towards Natasha made it appear like his shoes were full of lead, he was so clearly hesitant to approach her. He stood in front of her, forcing a shaky smile onto his face that Natasha didn’t appreciate. Here Steve was, trying to pretend that things were okay when they so clearly weren’t. She’d always hated forced smiles, or at least she’d always hated the forced smiles that were supposed to be reassuring but never were. She understood them, understood that they were meant to be comforting, but they couldn’t be. They were lies, lies that tried to mask a terrible situation, but didn’t actually fix anything. It was like spraying febreeze in a room without cleaning the pile of shit that was causing the smell in the first place.
Steve looked at Natasha with that forced smile, barely even able to keep it in place. “H-Hey.” He said shakily, as if she needed to hear a greeting when all she wanted was information on her fiance. Something on her face must have signaled to Steve that his attempt at normalcy wasn’t appreciated and he took a deep breath. “I was part of the group that retrieved Clint.” He began, sounding like he had to force every word from himself. “He….He’s unconscious now, I think. He looks injured, most likely tortured.” He balled his hands into fists as he said it, the idea of his friend being tortured by HYDRA obviously angering him. “But when I first went in, he was conscious.” He said carefully, closing his eyes as he forced himself to continue. “He was conscious and he wasn’t locked up in a cage or anything. He was just...he was just there and he was Clint and he didn’t look...he didn’t look terribly hurt. I had been afraid of finding him unable to walk, bruised and bloody and hurt, but he looked...he looked okay and…” He had to take a deep breath. “And then he looked at me. He looked at me and...and he didn’t recognize me. His eyes were so cold and I knew that he had no idea who I was.” Steve’s hands were trembling and Natasha felt cold. “And he attacked me. He started shouting orders and he ran towards me and…” He trailed off, unable to continue. He shook his head, taking several deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself. Natasha was left with the sound of mostly silence, save the sound of Steve’s heavy breathing.
Natasha felt cold all over, her entire body feeling like it had been drenched in ice water. The feeling seeped through her skin, chilling her to the very bone. She could barely comprehend the information Steve had just given her. She didn’t understand and yet she understood perfectly all at the same time. Clint had been found at a HYDRA base. Clint had been found at a HYDRA base after a year . Clint had been found at a HYDRA base after a year and had attacked Steve. Natasha couldn’t breathe. Everything felt like it was colliding in on itself as her brain worked to put the pieces together while actively pulling them apart because she didn’t want to know. She didn’t want for the realization to hit her. She didn’t want the pieces to fall into place as she came to the conclusion of what must have happened to her fiance. She didn’t want it. Just this once, she wished that she didn’t have to know everything all the time. Clint had attacked Steve. Clint hadn’t recognized Steve. Clint had been kept by HYDRA. Natasha couldn’t move as the information fully processed within her head, the realization hitting her so hard that she was certain that if she had been standing, she would have collapsed. Clint didn’t remember. HYDRA had wiped Clint’s memories. Natasha couldn’t breathe. Everything was spinning around her and she was the only thing that remained still. She tried to take a breath, but her lungs wouldn’t cooperate, refusing to expand enough to let air in. She couldn’t move, her entire body glued to her seat, glued to that moment, that position. Her brain was screaming at her to do something, to move, to get up and start running, to run far, far away from this place. She wanted to run until she couldn’t run anymore, run from SHIELD, run from the Avengers, run from HYDRA, run from Clint. She just wanted to run.
Natasha didn’t know how long she had been lost within her own head, her thoughts trapping her. When she finally came falling back to reality, she was in the exact same spot. She doubted that she had moved at all in the passing time, her body tending to shut down when she was overwhelmed. On the outside, she was calm, collected, unfazed. Inside, she was struggling, a million thoughts and emotions suffocating her. Her Clint was gone, maybe forver, destroyed by HYDRA. Natasha took a shaky breath, trying to keep herself composed. She focused back on Steve, who was sitting beside her now, still looking so tired and hurt. She understood why. This must be a nightmare for Steve. Steve, who had already lost one friend to HYDRA’s brainwashing. Steve who had witnessed firsthand what this did to people. Steve, who was losing another friend to the same damn thing. Steve was still afraid of losing Bucky to HYDRA again, terrified that something might happen to bring the Winter Soldier back, destroying the progress that they had made. Now Clint was going through the same thing that Bucky had and Steve was relieving everything. Natasha took a shaky breath. “They wiped him.” She said after a long moment of silence. Steve looked up, clearly surprised when Natasha started speaking. He nodded slowly. “Damn it.” Natasha swore under her breath, but she remained composed. She closed her eyes. “Do you think there’s a chance of him recovering?”
“I...I don’t...I don’t know.” Steve said honestly, taking a deep breath. “I only interacted with him briefly.” He admitted, running a hand through his hair. “I hope so. God, I hope so.” He murmured.
“I want to see him.” Natasha said before realizing that she was saying it.
Steve looked at her tiredly. “I don’t think that’s-”
“He’ll need to be questioned.” Natasha insisted stubbornly. “He’ll need to be questioned and that’s one of the things I’m good at. I’ll also be able to see if there’s anything left of the real Clint. I know him better than almost anyone else. I’d be the best choice of person to interrogate him” She was determined and she wasn’t about to take no for an answer. She needed to see Clint, even if it wasn’t really Clint. She needed to see for herself that he was alive.
“I really don’t think that’s a good idea.” Steve said, shaking his head. He didn’t look like he was going to fight with her if it came down to it, though. He looked far too exhausted. “At least not now. You need time to process and prepare.”
“No, I don’t.” Natasha bit out, noticing Steve’s wince. She felt bad for snapping at him, but this was something she needed to do. She stood up. “What I need is to see my fiance.” She marched towards Fury, who turned around to look at her. “I’m going in.” She said firmly, not allowing a chance for him to protest. “I’m going in and I’m questioning him.”
Fury sighed deeply, looking as though he was expecting this to happen. “Fine.” He said, knowing that it wasn’t worth arguing with her. “But we’ll be watching you and if we think it’s necessary, we’re taking you out.”
“Deal.” Natasha said. “Now let me in.” She demanded, determined. Fury just nodded, leading her into the infirmary. They walked in silence down a long hallway, the sound of their footsteps echoing off the walls. They walked until Fury stopped in front of a dark door. He punched in the code and stepped back, giving Natasha an affirming nod. Natasha stared at the door, knowing that Clint was just on the other side. She would finally be seeing him for the first time in a year. She took a deep breath, reaching out to grab the handle. She closed her eyes and pushed the door open.