Eddie: Are you a painting?
Steve: What-?
Eddie: Because I want to pin you to a wall.
Robin: OH GOD I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY YOU WANTED TO HANG THEM OR SOMETHING-
Robin: This totally sucks, man.
Eddie: This is horrible.
Robin: Yeah, I know, I mean look at today’s news.
Eddie: No, it’s not that, it’s Steve.
Eddie: It’s just like, I can’t get them out of my head and every time I look at them I have this pains in my chest, and I just know it’s their fault, that bitch!
Steve: I’m this close to falling in love with Eddie.
Robin: Your fingertips are touching.
Steve: Exactly.
Steve: *walks into the room*
Robin: They’re covered in blood again. Why is it they’re always covered in blood?
Eddie: Well, it looks like it’s their own blood this time.
Steve: *yawns*
Eddie: Yeah, being that pretty must be tiring.
Steve: Then you must be exhuasted.
Robin: Will you two shut up? Some of us are lonely.
Steve: WHO ATE MY BREAD?!
Steve: I'M GOING TO FUCKING K-
Eddie: I did?
Steve: Kiss you and buy some more, you haven't been eating anything today Eddie.
*walking away*
Eddie:
Eddie: Their gone Robin.
Robin, coming out the closet with bread stuffed in their mouth: Twankh uh!
Robin: That shirt looks great, Steve.
Steve: Thanks.
Robin: But I bet it would look even better on Eddie's floor.
Eddie: Are you hitting on Steve... for me?
Robin: I dare you to kiss the next person who walks into this room.
Steve: Screw that, I’m not kissing any of you.
*Eddie walks in*
Steve: Fine, I’ll do it. Rules are rules you know.
Eddie: Steve, Robin, I’ve left a letter telling your guardians not to worry—
Steve: They won’t.
Eddie: That you’re safe—
Steve: That’ll just depress them.
Eddie: —and you’ll see them in a few weeks.
Robin: Do we have to?
Eddie: I’m in love with you.
Steve: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork.
Eddie: I know.
Steve: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-
Robin: What’s it like being tall?
Robin: Is it nice?
Robin: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?
Eddie: We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb 4 chairs, 2 boxes, a small coffee table and 6 oddly placed stools to get what they want.
Steve: It was one time!
*Steve rushes by with an armful of water bottles*
Eddie: What's going on?
Dustin: Steve wouldn't drink water.
Eddie: ...And?
Dustin: And I asked them how fast they could chug an entire bottle.
Steve, loudly: 16 OUNCES IN TEN SECONDS, BITCHES!
Eddie: We're having a baby.
Dustin: Oh, cangradu-
Steve, slamming adoption papers onto the table: It's you, sign here.
Eddie: Dustin, what do you have?
Dustin: A KNIFE!
Eddie: Okay, have fu-
Steve: NO!
Eddie: Someone take me to art museums and make out with me.
Steve: But they said not to touch the masterpieces.
Eddie: Well somebody's got to pin the artwork to the wall.
Dustin, on a walkie talkie: This is Dustin, those idiots are fucking around in the East wing again.
Dustin: There's no way they like me back.
Eddie: Steve would throw themself in front of a moving car for you.
Dustin: Steve would throw themself in front of a moving car for fun.
Steve: Do you ever feel bugs on you when really there’s nothing there?
Dustin: Those are the ghosts of the bugs you killed before.
Steve:
Steve: *sobs*
Eddie: You fucking scared them, you idiot.
Dustin: Goddamn it, the printer broke while printing out Steve's birthday invitations.
Eddie: Well, what are they supposed to say?
Dustin: "Steve's birthday".
Eddie: So, what do they say instead?
Dustin: "Steve’s bi".
Eddie:
Eddie: Works out either way.
Eddie: Did Steve just tell me they loved me for the first time?
Dustin: Yeah, they did.
Eddie: And did I just do finger guns back?
Dustin: Yeah, you did.
Nancy: Hey Eddie, wanna third wheel on my date with Robin tomorrow?
Eddie: Sure.
Nancy: Steve! Wanna third wheel on my date with Robin tomorrow?
Nancy: Great! I've always wanted to go on a double date!
Eddie & Steve: ...
Robin: Nancy…
Robin: Truth or dare?
Eddie: Dare.
Robin: I dare you to kiss the hottest person in the room.
Eddie: Hey Nancy?
Nancy, blushing: Yeah?
Eddie: Can you move? I'm trying to get to Steve.
Robin, watching Nancy & Steve panic : What's going on?
Eddie: Nancy is having a midlife crisis and Steve is just having a crisis.
Robin: Where's Steve?
Nancy: Don't worry, I'll find them.
Nancy, shouting: Eddie sucks!
Steve, distantly: Eddie is the best person ever! Fuck you!
Nancy: Found them.
Eddie: What’s wrong? You look 10 seconds away from ripping someone’s throat out.
Steve: Fucking Robin and Nancy were trying to invoke one of the minor gods again last night. I didn't get an ounce of sleep, thanks to their bloody chanting.
Steve: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-
Eddie: I wrote you a poem.
Steve, already crying: You did?
Eddie: Just a minute. I need to go take out the trash.
Steve: Oh. We're going out?
Eddie: Wh…
Eddie: Fuck you.
Steve: No u.
Eddie: I'm down.
Steve: You're like 2, what the fuck-
Eddie: I AM NOT 2!
Steve: Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers?
Eddie: Peonies, why?
Steve:
Eddie: Were you going to get me flowers?
Steve:
Eddie:
Steve: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ
Eddie : *makes Steve a cup of tea but puts salt in it*
Steve : *sips tea*
Eddie :
Steve : *finishes tea*
Eddie : Didn't it taste bad?
Steve : Yeah, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings so I drank it all.
Eddie , tearing up: Oh, okay.