Love, you’re anything but broken
You and Tony had been together for a while now. Nearly 6 months to be exact; and all those months had been glorious. He had taken you everywhere, first you had visited his Malibu mansion, then from there you went more south, from there down to south America, from there you flied all the way to Africa, then Australia, and then to Thailand, and last, he had taken you to Iceland. You could practically fill hour long conversations about the northern lights, you had a whole mental file just dedicated to that astounding phenomenon. In truth, you may be a bit of a geek about it, which if you view your profession was a bit out of the ordinary. But you never really cared about other people’s opinions of you, and the fact that it was your fascination with the lights was what made tony more interested in you and your persona, meant that you could never really have any hate towards it.
The first time you met was at a press conference. The public had some important questions about the Ultron fiasco, so Stark had agreed to do a press conference to ease some of the ill minded people around the world. You had been intrigued by how he seemed to take all the blame himself, an act that you hadn’t really seemed ‘The Tony Stark’ capable of doing, so your journalism instinct kicked in, and you decided to confront him about it. At the time, you hadn’t really thought it trough, so the questions were rude and pervasive, classic journalism style, something you later deeply regretted. He had declined at first, likely because of the rude questions. Then you asked him to a dinner date, of the record of course, at the time you had no idea why you did it, and considered cancelling many times, but then again you were never really a quitter. The date was everything you hadn’t expected, Tony was sweet and kind, with the occasional innuendo to lighten up the mood, but never too much, like he was afraid of scaring you away. You would later be told by the man himself, that he had set his heart on you when his eyes were pulled in by Y/E/C and the sheer deepness that they portrayed, but was worried on falling for you because of the same thing that brought you together, your work to be exact. He had all kinds of doubts, thinking that you were just out for information, and he too thought about cancelling many times. Thank god you two weren’t raised as quitters. Nevertheless, you both showed up, and had a great time. You were surprised by his gentleness, and he was surprised that you didn’t want any kind of information that he wasn’t willing to give, and that you would gladly talk about everything other than him personally, you even tried to follow him when he went on a science-talk-rampage, asking the necessary questions so he didn’t lose you along the way. Both of you had all in all a fantastic time, and you hastily both agreed to join some other time soon.
The first time you had just talked through the night, and your conversations was filled with everything but at the same time also had so much meaning, deep and profoundness that it just filled your whole heart with content. At first you had been worried that he wanted more out of the night than you did, but surprisingly the infamous playboy understood that you didn’t want to go the further step, and only wanted the cuddling. So, you of course took full advantage of the cuddle offer, and there you laid and talked like nothing in the world mattered, and that no one’s heart was a bit jagged and broken. Your limbs were tangled together; one arm wound underneath his abdomen, his right leg secure in between your legs and his left above yours, your chin resting on his shoulder, both his arms hugging you tightly but not so you couldn’t breathe properly. Yeah, it was like you two were melted into each other, and you had never felt happier with your life choices than that night, because it led you right up to him. So, there you were, right up till sunset and then a little more. Most of the Avengers that sat in the kitchen area, side eyed you a little bit, most likely getting thoughts about what you might have been doing the entire night, and they were most likely also wondering if your profession had anything to do with it. But again, you never really cared about what other people thought about you, even if the people were a super soldier and two spies. You made your morning coffee, and agreed with tony that you would meet up for a ‘night’ date again soon. The night had been one of many, and they were all the best you could ever expect.
In all the months you were together, Tony never made any moves towards you, that you didn’t feel comfortable with. You dreaded the day you had to tell him everything, afraid that he would leave someone that couldn’t get him the satisfaction that a simple human must need. You didn’t want him to feel like you had been leading him on, when in fact you had done anything but that. And worse was if he had the same reaction that oh so many people had when you talked about your sexuality. Reactions differing from “What? So, you are saying you don’t want sex?” and “I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand, how can you not want sex?” and some comments had been even worse than that. You were just so afraid, that he didn’t want to be with you. You knew that he was more than ‘just a playboy’, but the fear was still there, and it never really let you go. You knew that you needed to talk to him about it, it couldn’t be that hard, right? Just put the ‘A’ in from sexuality and then you are good to go, yeah you wished it was that easy. Many nights had gone sleepless trying to find the right words to say, and the right time to say them. The final decision was that you would tell him everything after the end of your little escapee together. If worse came to pass, something that you profoundly hoped it didn’t, then at least you were home, and able to go to your favourite Ice cream shop, and eat out your troubles.
The flight to Iceland had been long, but you were equally excited and sorrowful, thinking that this trip might be the last one you would ever spend with Tony. But you refused to let your mood destroy the most fantastic experience you had ever had. The first thing you saw was a volcanic crater, then you were taken to explore the Sólheimajökull and Mýrdalsjökull glaciers, a glorious sight indeed, then the black sand beaches and rock formations of Vik. This was something you had had your doubts about, since you hated sand and how it got everywhere. But you had been pleasantly surprised that that had not been the case. You dragged Tony towards the rock formations, and planted a little kiss at his cheek as a picture was taken, this was something you weren’t uncomfortable with so it was fine. Afterwards you hitched a ride to the Blue Lagoon, for some much-needed relaxation. Unfortunately, the time had flown by, and you had to run out of the changing areas with your hair as a mess and shouting to Tony that he could leave his damn sunglasses behind or else you would miss the bus. The Skógafoss waterfall was the last stop on the busses route, before it went towards home again. Tony had taken you off route, away from the others, behind the waterfall, were you two stood in what seemed like blissful forever. He assured you that this was not dangerous, and that the tour would be here in any minute too.
After dinner, he took you to see the northern lights. It was like your childhood dream had come to live, it was really like that there were small dancers up in the sky swinging and ripping the light and just made it all seem so free. You imagined that there were small angels sitting on the particles and played with everyone’s perception of true beauty. Of course, this peace had to be disturbed.
“Love, there is something that I need to ask you. And i’m sorry if I come up as an asshole right now, but in truth it’s because for the one time in my life my intelligence fails me, and I have no idea on how to proceed to ask the question that needs to be asked.” He looked up at you with an expression of hurt that you had only seen on him on the bad days, where he didn’t want to talk to anyone.
You sensed were this was going, but refused to believe it, you weren’t simply ready for the emotional hurt this ‘talk’ was going to come out as.
“Oh, god please don’t be angry at me but, if there is something wrong with me- I mean if there is a why, then please just tell me. Is it because i’m ‘The Playboy Tony Stark’? is that why you refuse to have sex with me? I just. I don’t understand this. I have never, you know, Howard and Maria wasn’t exactly the most loving parents, and Obie turned out to be much worse. So, it’s not like I really got the concept from real life human beings that aren’t my creations and a few friends, but then you came and turned my world upside down, but now i’m afraid something is wrong with me, because I don’t know, it’s weird. I don’t really understand anything anymore. I just know that I want to do right by you, and I just, don’t know how to do that. If there is any reason that you want to, not go the further step, and if that reason is because something is wrong with me please tell me, and I will do everything in my power to fix it.”
“oh, my darling There is absolutely nothing wrong with YOU. It’s me that there is something wrong with, not you. And you are doing right by me, I assure you, I have never been happier in my life. It’s just, I am a broken person, and I was so afraid of telling you, because no one wants to be with a broken person” - you started crying unable to hold the tears back any longer- “and if you want to leave I would completely understand that. No one wants to be with a person that doesn’t want sex, and in fact finds it repulsive and messy, and no one wants a person that can’t pleasure the other part in the best way possible, and i’m just sorry for being so broke-
“Dear, you are anything but broken. I would never want to leave you, for you have become my whole world in a way I never thought was possible. I might be known as a playboy, but in truth I despise that title, because it’s all just a front. I don’t need sex, I only need you. And that might sound a little cheesy but it’s the truth, love. I will do right by you, and I won’t ever leave you for something like sex”
You couldn’t take it any longer. With eyes full of tears, you hugged him so tightly that you could feel the soft press of the Arc reactor against your shirt.
You never had to worry about him not accepting you ever again.