She’s Not There
Colony: The Cinders. December 20, 2197.
The maids leave finally, after fixing her bath and taking her bags and ‘dirty’ clothes, and she is left completely alone. They had been hovering over her after one maid told Darcy that Sir Loki was expecting her in his studio, so she wasn’t with her. She enters the bathroom in a hurry, wanting to wash away the feeling of heaviness that had settled into her bones.
Jane walks into the giant bathtub in the middle of the very spacious bathroom sitting slowly inside, almost moaning at the cold water against her skin. She sinks into it almost immediately, not bothering with bath salts or soaps of any kind, enjoying the clear water and the vast sensation that being under it brings her. After a few seconds she finds herself sitting on the middle of it, playing with the sponge left for her, sinking under the water only to pull it out and squeeze it. She takes her knees to her chest and hugs her legs, as she squeezes the sponge on her neck, wanting to close her eyes for a while. Her mind travels to Bucky, wondering if he's being treated as well as she was.
After they separated, Loki had spoken as if he was some king of hero from helping Jane get "home" safely, perhaps he was being rewarded accordingly. A nice meal, new clothes, a warm bath like he likes.
Jane shakes her head, scolding herself for even worrying about whatever happened to him, what he was doing or what he would do after they parted ways. The way he had acted towards her after everything.
Stop thinking, Jane, don’t hurt yourself.
But something didn’t feel right. She tells herself it was just because she had been so used to his constant presence that now that he’s leaving… It felt like withdrawal.
She takes a shaky breath in, closing her eyes tightly as her sight blurs.
"Please don't cry" Jane says to herself, "Don't"
But her tears stream down her face not caring that she begged herself. Jane gives up and lets herself cry while she's alone, her eyes stinging with tears and cheeks burning. The cold water mixing with her tears a reminder of everything that has happened to her not being as important to anyone else, she’s tired of keeping everything bottled up, so she allows the tears stream down her face freely.
"Jane?"
Darcy's voice shatters the silence. And maybe she wasn't being exactly quiet, her sobs bouncing against the walls as she lifts her head, hearing her own sounds, like a distressed child, raw from the inside.
"Oh, Jane"
The woman doesn't bother in asking permission to enter the bathtub, water splashing everywhere as she kneels next to Jane and pulls her into a tight embrace, cradling her nude body as a mother would her newborn. Her heart yanks in and out of her chest, Over and over, in and out, she felt hollow. Darcy is there, and she’s holding her and kissing her, trying to reach into her hollowness. But her heart screamed for someone else.
"Jane, what happened to you?" Darcy asks, kissing the top of her head, "I'm sorry, I'm so, so, sorry"
She kisses her forehead one, twice, three times before she too starts crying.
"I left you there" Darcy sobs then, "I left you"
She cries harder and Jane can hear the remorse and the guilt, Jane shakes her head and grips the sleeve of her dress tightly. She pulls herself together, she has to.
"I'm fine, I'm here now, I'm fine"
A few minutes pass and neither say anything, before Jane starts feeling too cold and shivering slightly in Darcy's arms.
Darcy takes a deep breath, "Let's get you out of here"
Darcy doesn't ask anything as Jane dries her hair, wrapped in a nice robe that had been laid for her, she simply takes a towel and wraps herself around it, sitting on the bed as Jane examines the clothes that was left for her. A simple, but beautiful velvet dress that looked way too formal for dinner, tights and shinny shows. She glances at Darcy, who simply shrugs, and Jane realises Darcy was wearing an equally stunning dress - all wet now, but she didn't seem to mind.
“I never thought I'd be happy to see a bra” Jane says, picking up the one in the bed.
Darcy laughs softly and a smile pulls from Jane’s lips.
The woman stands from the bed and tells her she will be back, before she leaves the room closing the door behind her. Jane dresses in silence, not wanting to think and have another meltdown. She dresses at a slow pace deliberately, she doesn’t want to go to that diner, or to see anyone for a while with the exception of Darcy, but she also knows it’s better to just… Get over with it. Everything fits her, the underwear, the petticoat, the dress. Everything is perfect.
“Like a glove” She says at her reflection in the mirror.
At least she doesn’t have to wear gloves.
As promised Darcy comes back. She doesn't say anything as Jane finishes putting the shinny shoes and then looking at the full length mirror, unnecessarily flattening the dress with her hands. Julia would tell her she look lovely, she thinks, like a lady should look.
"Do you want to talk?"
She turns to Darcy.
“About earlier"
Jane is about to say she doesn't, that it didn't mean anything, but she remembers the guilt in Darcy's eyes, and she realises what Darcy is thinking. Jane blames her. She walks towards the bed and sits next to her friend, her sister, and takes her hand. Darcy looks like she is about to apologise again, for being late or abandoning Jane, but that hadn't been the case. Neither had given up on the other.
"You didn't abandon me, Darcy" Jane says, "You didn't leave me, you waited for me here"
Darcy pulls her into a warm embrace, and Jane smiles into her hair holding her tightly. When she pulls back she takes a shaky breath in, and then tells Darcy everything. About Aida, the House, Mother Esther, she tells him about Bucky keeping the details out – including his name, because for Darcy and everyone else he is Jack – but she does tells her about Elektra and Haze, the Ravangers and visiting Glassmere. When she is done, she is out of breath, and Darcy looks like she can't believe half of it. Jane sometimes couldn’t either.
"And I cut my hair” Jane adds
Darcy reaches for her hair and smiles, and when Jane sees her smile a relief laugh bubbles from her chest. Darcy follows, happy tears forming in the corner of her eyes.
"I missed you so much" She says between hiccups.
"Me too, Darcy" Jane replies.
A knock on the door startles them, and one of the maids from before opens the door slightly.
"Dinner will be served in twenty minutes"
And then she leaves.
Darcy smiles at Jane, raising an eyebrow, "You should do something with that hair”
Jane chuckles and stands from the bed, sitting infront of the vanity as Darcy waits for her. For a minute, it's almost as if they were back in Glassmere, Jane getting ready for some boring event with her father while Darcy sat on the bed telling her about her plans for the weekend, which were always much more interesting than Jane's.
"So..."
Jane looks at Darcy’s reflection on the mirror.
"That Jack guy" Darcy continues, “he seemed... Stoic"
She is playing with a thread from the bedsheet distractingly, wanting to change the mood into a more lighter one, but not knowing the reason Jane was distraught was mainly because of the man. Jane scolds herself mentally not wanting to sound like a clingy virginal girl who just lost her beloved.
"Did something happen?"
Jane glances at her, shaking her head nonchalantly before reaching for a comb to untangle her hair with.
"Why the question?" Jane asks.
Darcy sighs, "Well, you tell me about all these things, how he helped, the traveling for weeks together..." She pouts her lips, "Yet you both seemed rather eager to part ways"
Jane's brow furrows, "He seemed eager?" She asks, sounding a bit too interested and way too hurt.
She recovers quickly, at least she thinks she does, and continues combing her hair in silence.
Darcy raises a questioning eyebrow, "He said he could leave as soon as the sun came out" she continues, "He resisted joining us for dinner, and he didn't want the reward the Loki was offering"
Jane tenses and then she turns slowly to Darcy, who takes her eyes off her quickly and looks at her nails with fake interest.
"He wouldn't accept the reward?" Jane frowns.
Darcy shakes her head, "Nor the credits, or the clothes, the new car... Not even the freaking horse"
Jane's frown deepens. The last thing Bucky had said had been about him getting his reward for helping her, or she had said it, she shakes her head now confused even more about what had happened. All she remembers clearly is Bucky telling her that the night before had been just a one time thing. Itch to scratch, he said. And then she had slapped him and hit him with all she had, just for him to remain like a stone, at the end she had been hurt more than she hurt him both physically and emotionally. Jane runs a hand through her face in frustration, and then resumes brushing her hair almost angrily.
"So, I'm asking again" Darcy says slowly, "Just to be clear" she adds, "Did something else other than dangerous traveling happened?"
Jane slams the brush against the wooden surface the vanity is made of.
"You know I don't even know him well" She starts untangling her curly mess with her fingers, "He is too quiet, it's infuriating, specially because he's not even quiet" Darcy frowns, "he grunts, growls, and- and snores"
Darcy stares at her in silence.
"He doesn't even let me help at first, then I practically- no, literally save his life and he doesn't thank me until days pass and he almost gets himself killed again in a fight"
"Jesus, this guy is like Rocky" Darcy mumbles.
"And he has all these books that doesn't even read and Harry Potter is incomplete, then he helps me and doesn't tell me why, and I tell Bucky he's good and he says he isn't, then I- we go through Desolation together, all this time! And we finally get some peace and- and- and-"
Darcy stares, "And?"
"And we- we spent the night and the next day he throws it all away for nothing?! He doesn't want the reward?!" Jane stands from the chair and starts pacing around the room, Darcy's eyes on her.
"Wait, who is Harry Potter? And who is Bucky?" Darcy ask, she then shakes her head, "No- back up, you spent the night?"
Jane's cheeks are flushed angry red, her hands clenched so tight than her knuckles are almost white. Her hair is still all out of place, sticking out everywhere and she is panting as if she had just ran ten miles. Still, Darcy can't hide the small smile threatening to leave her lips. And when Jane notices – and takes a look at herself in the mirror – she feels a rush of embarrassment. She falls on the chair almost defeated and covers her face in shame.
"I sound like I'm crazy" Jane says, "Do I sound like I'm crazy?" She looks at Darcy.
Darcy swallows tightly, "You sound like… You are in love"
Jane frowns, "Love?" Her frowns deepens, "I barely know him to- to-"
Darcy sighs and stands from the bed, walking towards Jane at a slow pace. Jane leans back on the chair, looking at her feet still embarrassed and still feeling her cheeks too warm. When Darcy stands infront of her she sighs and then grabs her face.
"Darcy what do I do?"
“Did he… Say he wanted to stay with you?”
Jane's eyesight blurs, and she shakes her head.
"He doesn't want me" Jane says, "just like he doesn't want the credits or the clothes"
“No” Darcy shakes her head, "He doesn’t want the reward, because he rather have you"
Darcy makes Jane look at her, pinching her cheeks slightly. Jane chuckles weakly and circles her wrists but doesn't make her let go, instead leaning into Darcy’s touch.
"I think you know this man- this Bucky” Jane bites her bottom lip, “better than anyone, and more than you think"
"I’m not sure anymore” Jane whispers.
A flash of something crosses Darcy’s features. Regret or remorse again, but this time is not about Jane.
“Listen, Jane-“
A knock in the door interrupts them. And the same woman from before, who Jane now notices Darcy doesn't like by the way she rolls her eyes and lets Jane go, enters the room. She must be not a maid but another guest, she doesn't ask permission to enter or offers Darcy a polite nod like all the others did.
"Hela" Darcy says, tone dry.
"Dinner is served, darlings" Hela says, "The High Commander has asked me to escort you personally"
Jane glances at Darcy and then at Hela.
"Let's go" Darcy says before she can say anything, "I'll walk her" she tells the woman.
Hela offers a forced smile as Darcy grabs Jane's hand and they both leave the room. Jane hears Hela mutter something but doesn't quite get what she said, since Darcy doesn't mind she shrugs it off too. The conversation they were having was going to have to wait until after dinner.