Part II: New World

“We’ll be there by tomorrow” 

Jane turns to Bucky, weariness showed over her face. They had been traveling for four days non-stop and the car was starting to feel more like a cage than a way to escape. They didn’t make many stops, taking turns driving day and night only stopping when completely necessary, or when the both of them were way too tired for either of them to take the wheel. Apart from that, they were running dangerously low on supplies. The one thing that was significantly better was… Them. After leaving Glassmere, Jane felt like a heavy weight had been lifted from her chest, and after spending more time talking than ignoring eachother Bucky started to act more comfortable around her, making conversation more often than he used to – Jane was still the one who talked the most. Sometimes, she still found herself choosing her words carefully when they talked. 

Along the way, Jane realised that Bucky wasn’t quiet just with her, it was the way he was, and she liked it. She could fill his silence when she knew he wanted to, and knew how to keep silence when she had to. 

Like right now, when Bucky is looking at the horizon through a pair of binoculars that he found under the driver’s seat – maybe left there by Rocket or Mantis – because he knows his home is that way, and he is considering driving all night so they could be there in the morning instead. Jane leans against the car, as she looks in the same direction, where the sun is setting already and taking the warmth with it. As they moved closer to the sea, to Catalean, Jane noticed the Desolation air was humid, she could feel the chilly breeze during the afternoons coming from the east, and the nights remained cold as always. Bucky insisted on keeping watch during the nights, and Jane had stopped telling him it wasn’t necessary since she almost always woke up to find him asleep next to her. The nights he did stay awake she wasn’t able to sleep, but never joined him outside the tent, where he sat near the fire until the morning arrived. 

Jane stares at the back of Bucky’s head until the man finally turns to her, walking towards the car before he throws the binoculars inside. 

“We should rest” 

She throws her arms in the air, “Finally!” 

Bucky rolls his eyes a smile small on his face, opening the trunk, “You are going crazy inside the car too?” 

Jane makes an agreement noise, glancing at Bucky, “Need help?”

The man snorts, “Last time you tried arming the tent it fell on us while we were sleeping”

“You wouldn’t help me” Jane retorts, pursing her lips.

“Because you said you could to do it alone”

“After you told me to do it alone”

Bucky closes the trunk, arms resting on top of the car as he looks at her with narrowed eyes. He’s annoyed, she knows the face and the posture he uses when she has annoyed him, and most of the times it’s because he is about to admit that he too is at fault in the situation.

“I have a better idea” He says, opening the trunk again, the folded tent that was left on the floor is thrown back in there, “Let’s sleep on the car tonight”

Jane raises an eyebrow, “Really?”

Bucky shrugs, “Sure” he says, “I have something to show you, by the way” 

She straightens with sudden interest. Bucky closes the trunk again and walks around the car, opening the driver’s door and reaching under the seat. Jane frowns, and walks towards him as he pulls out a book and turns to her. 

“I took it from the box in Glassmere” Bucky says with mild embarrassment.

Jane frowns softens and she reaches for the book, “And now you feel bad for taking it?” 

“Not exactly” Bucky makes a face, “I figured you would change your mind”

Jane looks at the cover of the book. A worn out third edition of ‘Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea’ by Jules Verne. It was her favorite book when she was little. the copy in her hands it’s the one she had given to Darcy for her tenth birthday – she remembers Darcy pretending to actually like the present – and maybe Letitia had found it in her possessions when they searched the remainders house.

“I quite enjoyed it” 

She lifts her gaze, “You read it?” 

Bucky scratches the back of his head, “Yeah” he nods, “When I stayed up to keep watch” 

Jane smiles softly, “Thanks” Bucky nods, “Did you take anything else?” 

“No”

The answer comes too fast, and Jane cocks an eyebrow at Bucky. The man sighs, and reaches under the seat again, pulling out a bottle of Sweet wine.

“I didn’t drink any of it” He says, “I thought I would need it to be able to sleep, but I didn’t” 

Jane remembers the nightmares he had, the ones that he drowned with alcohol while he was in Arcadia, and she is relieved that he doesn’t seem to have them anymore. Maybe it had to do with the fact that he remembered Steve and what happened to him, or maybe it’s because of her. Because just like she feels safe and sound with him, he does with her.

Jane stays quiet for a bit too long. She doesn’t look upset about him taking the book or the wine from Glassmere, she looks… Relieved. For whatever reason that is, he doesn’t really mind. He glances at he car, where Jane would sleep that night for her own relieve, and then at her, clasping his hands together.

“I’ll get the fire ready”

She tilts her head, “Aren’t we sleeping in the car?”

Bucky shrugs, “I like sleeping outside” he says, and when he catches her frowning he adds, “You can join me” 

He doesn’t mean to say it so nonchalantly – or at all – it sort of slips out.

“That’d be fun” Jane says, nodding her head, “I’m going to get something to eat” she tells him, and waits a few beats as if she’s waiting for him to say something else. 

Bucky clears his throat, “I’m going to start the fire” he repeats.

Jane shrugs and opens the passengers door to slip inside the car.

“Ok” Bucky says under his breath, “Ok”

They had been more comfortable around eachother the past few days, talking about anything and everything that came to Jane’s mind, since she was the one who initiated the conversation most of the times, and the silence that followed was always a calm one. Granted, he sometimes lost his patience with her, snapping with some rude comment that she either returned or shrugged off, depending on how bad it had been. He felt awful afterwards, specially when she remained quiet, but never found the correct moment to apologise and Jane never held it against him afterwards.

Jane was kind to him. Enough to take her time when couldn’t find the words to answer her questions or to keep the conversation flowing, to share her ration of food – he mentioned she ate like a rabbit, except when they were eating sweets – and to offer to drive despite being as tired as he was. Jane was also much more patience than he was, he knew because she never lost her temper, even when she was visibly irritable she chose to remain silent. He thought it was something she had been taught, to hold her tongue, but he never asked. Something she did often was trying to tell Bucky about things she liked – e.g. when she made him a playlist after he said he didn’t really know about music – she had narrated a summary of three book and eight movies to him while he drove, when it was her turn to drive they listened to music while she told him about the artists she recognised. She always told him Darcy knew more about music, her thing was books. 

And Jane also made him laugh. It was always a small joke or jab, a pun only she understood and explained afterwards making him smile about it anyways. Jane made him feel happy. 

The problem was, all that made Bucky fall in deeper for Jane, despite that voice inside his head, the skeptical (or realistic) part of him constantly reminding himself that ending up with Jane was impossible. As impossible at it was for snow to fall on them right in that moment. And the reason he stayed up all night instead of sleeping in the tent or the car with her, was because he didn’t want to get used to wake up with her next to him. He didn’t want to get used to be with Jane at all. 

“You done?”

Bucky turns to Jane, who is leaning against the car chewing on a piece of licorice. He had already made the fire, small but big enough to keep them both warm. When Jane asks how did he learn that – make fire with dry branches and tumbleweed – he tells her that when he started planning his escape, Coulson had told him about how empty Desolation was, and prepared him for long days driving and cold nights in the desert.

“Also, I have a lighter” Bucky says, opening the trunk to reach for the sleeping bags. 

Jane suppresses a smile, rolling her eyes almost fondly, “I genuinely thought you had been doing it with rocks or rubbing sticks”

Bucky snorts leaving his sleeping bag on the ground, “Rubbing sticks” he throws Jane her sleeping bag and closes the trunk.

Jane frowns confused and he waves her off. 

She leaves the sleeping bag rolled on the ground, and reaches inside the car for the blankets and the box of supplies they had gotten in Glassmere. Bucky frowns, pausing for a moment to see what she’s doing. When she puts the blankets on the ground, piling them up and then sitting, he understands she is actually planning on sleeping outside with him.

“Why the box?” He asks. 

Jane looks at him, unfolding her sleeping back, “We are having a celebration diner tonight”

“Are we now” he chuckles, picking his bag and taking a seat next to Jane. 

“Think about it, Buck” Jane says, “By this time tomorrow we are going to be sleeping in a bed” 

Bucky had told Jane that Catalean was a colony that people visited often, whether it was people from other colonies or Desolation travelers. He remembered from when he was a kid that people liked visiting the beaches, and since it was a large colony they were businesses like hotels and restaurants. Jane made him promise they would go to one so they could sleep on a bed, have a long shower and eat a warm meal. Truth was, he was also dying to get either of those things.

He accepts a can of food and a bottle of water from Jane, then she gives him another can, and another. 

“Are we eating all the food?”

Jane makes an agreement noise, “All of it goes before we reach Catalean” 

His lips quirk upwards, “Alright”

“Including this” She shakes the bottle of Sweet Wine, leaving it in the middle of the both of them. 

“You want to get drunk?” He says amused.

Jane chuckles and rolls her eyes, “It’s a celebration” She says, opening the can in her hands. 

Bucky chuckles and shrugs, “As you wish”

A sound in the distance make them both look up. Jane shrugs it off quickly, if it was an animal the fire would scare him away, but Bucky looks around with narrowed eyes, as if he’s suspicious of something. Paranoid. He hears Jane sigh heavily next to him, and when he turns with a questioning look she simply stares.

“You need to stop being so paranoid”

Bucky cocks an eyebrow, “Paranoid?”

“You worry too much, still” Jane licks her lips, “We are miles and miles from the people that- from anyone really” She says, trying to open the can. 

“I’m not worried about that, I’m looking out for the Rangers” Bucky looks at her, and she is scowling, “Desolation Rangers?” 

“Who the hell are those?” 

“They are like the Ravangers, scouting for stuff from the old word to sell or exchange” He explains, the only difference between the Ranvangers and the Desolation Ragers was that the Ravangers traveled in packs, while the Rangers were normally one or two people.

“Are they dangerous?” 

Bucky shrugs, “Everything in Desolation is dangerous”

Jane hums understanding, and makes a yelping noise when she is finally able to open the can in her hands. 

“Promise you won’t worry tonight” Jane tells him. 

Bucky looks up from his can to look at her, and she offers him a small smile. He nods and a smile pulls from his lips. Jane’s smile widens and she reaches for the bottle between them, unscrewing the cap. 

“Shall we begin?”

“…And then Steve puked on the deck and I had to clean it off alone since he was way too sick to help”

Jane’s laugh fills the air, accompanied by Bucky’s breathy chuckle. 

He leaves the bottle near his feet and leans back on the blankets, laying on his back as he looks up to the sky. The night had turned out to be a chilly one, but the fire was doing its job at keeping them warm, and the alcohol in their systems helped. Sweet Wine wasn’t the kind of drink that got one wasted – like Bucky’s bourbon – but it provided a pleasant buzz that washed away all worry, and made her muscles feel relaxed. Bucky’s laugh dies down and Jane hugs her knees as she too looks at the stars. There weren’t any clouds, and the moon shone brightly over their heads, the sky a black mantle with tiny shinny dots all over, and Jane recognised each and every single star she saw. 

“I can’t believe I remembered that”

Jane looks at Bucky over her shoulder. He had been telling a story about his childhood, one of the many memories he had been able to recover from his past. Steve and him skipping school to play on one of the boats at the dock. She doesn’t remember how they end up talking about it, but as the alcohol left her system she felt more present in the moment. Bucky was way less of a lightweight than she was – He had a fast metabolism too, which is why he was always left hungry after they ate their rations – it had taken him a lot more to start getting chatty, the blush on his cheeks appearing long after hers were crimson, and she couldn’t help but wanting to reach and squeeze his cheeks. Or kiss him. 

“What?” Bucky asks, running a hand through his his face, “Do I have something on my face?” 

“Apart from the Gandalf beard” She shrugs. 

Bucky snorts, shaking his head softly. Jane dimples at him, remembering that he said he liked hearing her talk about Lord of The Rings. After a few seconds she decides to lay in the same position he is in, enjoying the warmth and smell that emanated from his body. His eyes remain looking at the sky, as if he was reminiscing about his time in Catalean. Jane’s hand remain over her belly, resisting the urge to reach for him, she would like to lay her head on his chest and have him hold her tight, she knows by now that it isn’t the alcohol that makes her feel that way because even with her mind as clear as the sky that night, she knew that what she felt for Bucky was real. And also out of the question. They were… Traveling partners, and that was a good thing she wouldn’t want to risk. 

“I like talking to you” It sounds like a confession, and when Jane looks at him, she realises he is all sobered up too.

Jane turns his head to him, and he does the same. They hold their gazes for a few seconds, Bucky then reaches for her and swipes a strand of hair from her face, smiling sweetly at her before he breaks their gaze. 

“It makes it easier to remember” 

“…You could try to tell me more” Jane says, “Do you want to play twenty questions?” She asks.

Bucky chuckles, “What?”

She slaps his chest softly, “It’s a game” she looks at him, “I ask you twenty questions and you ask me back” 

“If it’s called twenty questions and two people are playing it,” He starts, “shouldn’t we ask ten each?” He cocks an eyebrow and looks at her. 

Jane rolls her eyes and snorts, “Fine, ten questions”

Bucky turns his body to her, resting his head on his hand. It reminds Jane of some kind of marble statue she has seen in art books, or some art painting that could be hung in a museum.

“Go ahead” He says.

She didn't expect him to agree, so she feels blindsided for a second.

Jane hums and tilts her head, "What's your favorite color?"

He considers it for a second, "Orange" Jane wrinkles her nose, "What?"

"Orange is kind of ugly"

Bucky chuckles, "When the sun peeks in the horizon at dawn, the sky turns a nice shade of orange"

Jane smiles softly, her mind painting the image in her head.

"I like it" He shrugs, “Did you ever travel outside your colony?”

“Once when I was sixteen, me and my father went to Roseburn” she answers, “They celebrate the strawberry harvest with a festival” 

“How is Roseburn?” He asks.

“Windy” Jane answers, trying to remember something else, “It was my first time outside of Glassmere” Bucky smiles softly and she stares at him for a few seconds, “Tell me about your first fight in the Pit”

Bucky rubs his jaw, looking at some point in the distance, “It was against Rumlow actually”

Jane rests her chin on her hand, and they are so close she can see the flame of the fire keeping them warm, reflected in his eyes.

“I was seventeen or sixteen, I think?” his lips quirk upwards, “Erskine had said that my first fight was the most important, I had to at least make the other guy look as bad as I did once we finished”

“Did you win?” 

Bucky nods, “I knocked him out five minutes in”

Her eyebrows shoot up, “Did you look like this when you were sixteen?” She looks between them.

“Why?” He raises an eyebrow.

“If you didn’t I wouldn’t believe you” Jane says, teasing tone laced in her words.

The man chuckles, “Fighting isn’t about who is bigger or stronger most of the times, it’s about who is smarter and faster”

Jane pouts her lips, “Are you saying I could beat you up?”

Bucky barks out a sonorous laugh, and he takes a hand to his chest as he does. Jane shoves him softly, unable to not chuckle at his reaction. He moves into a sitting position to reach for the almost empty bottle of wine, and unscrews the cap with his teeth, spitting it away. Jane stares at the back of his head for a few seconds and then Bucky continues talking, a soft spoken tone since he knows it’s so quiet is possible for her to be able to hear him even if he was whispering.

“Beat me, maybe, beat me up never” he says finally, “I did both to Rumlow though”

“You’re just flattering yourself now” Jane shakes her head.

Bucky takes a swing of the bottle. Jane stares at his adam’s apple, bobbing as he took a long sip, before he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. He offers the bottle to Jane, for her to drink the last of it, and she moves to a sitting position before reaching for it.

“You said Darcy took you to parties” he says, and she nods playing with the rim of the bottle, “But you said you didn’t have many friends…”

“It’s ten questions Bucky, not ten things you know about me” Jane deadpans.

“Okay, okay” Bucky chuckles, “Did you ever enjoy them?”

It was an odd question, more about her experience with something than if she had them or not. Jane considers it for a second, she loved Darcy, spending time with her, but whenever there were more people with them, it was Jane who felt like the odd one out, instead of the five or ten other people Darcy normally hung out with. 

“I enjoyed being away from my home” She admits, “But being around other people was… Exhausting” 

Bucky hums, and after a few seconds he talks, “You tried hard to fit in” he says, “When you were suppose to stand out”

Jane finds herself smiling and unable to look away when he looks at her. Sometimes she wonders if Bucky really thought that way about her or if he only said those things because Jane sounded sad, her life sounded sad. But in that moment Jane feels that Bucky means it, because Bucky knows is better than most people she have had in her life. Without Bucky noticing Jane moves closer to him, leaving the bottle aside. 

“Are you nervous about going back to Catalean?” 

A few seconds pass.

“Not anymore” Bucky answers, “I thought I would be once I was closer but… I’m not, not at all” 

Jane chuckles, “Maybe you unconsciously think that it can’t be worse than Glassmere”

“Maybe” He says, and then glances at Jane with the corner of his eye, “Sorry” 

“’ts okay” Jane sighs, “I would be happy if it isn’t” she adds, “For you” 

Bucky’s lips quirk upwards. A comfortable silence falls upon them, and after a few minutes they both lay back on the blankets. She thinks Bucky would tell her to go rest, to sleep in the car if she felt like it, but they are both better with eachother’s company. Jane is sure Bucky had fallen asleep next to her when he speaks again.

"You told me you were promised to someone,” Bucky starts, Jane turns her body to him, resting her head on one hand, “Was he... Was he good?" 

Jane starts playing with a loose strand of the blanket underneath her with her free hand, considering an answer she didn’t really have, "I don't really know" she sighs deeply, "I only met him once, many years ago"

Bucky frowns, "What was his name?"

"Thor" Jane looks at him, and then chuckles nervously, "Oh god, I don't know anything else… His last name, where he's from, how old is he..." She trails off. 

Bucky looks at her apologetically, "Arranged marriages are always more about duty than love" Jane bites her bottom lip, "If what happened in Glassmere hadn't happen, would you have married him?"

Jane looks at him and answers honestly, "Yes" 

A frown crosses his features, "Why?"

She considers her answer for a few seconds. There is no sound other than the soft wind that had started to blow.

"My family have had the control of Glassmere for almost five decades" She starts, "my father told me when I was little that one day I would be chosen to be the next Commander because the people believed in the Selvig dynasty," 

"That's why you were home schooled" Bucky says, and she nods.

"From the day I was born I was raised to be the perfect leader, and even though I loved the idea of one day being like him, take care of my people and..." Jane trails off, "I didn't realise how much it would take" 

Bucky isn't looking at her, he’s looking at the sky, but he is listening carefully to her words.

"Then as I grew up, I realise I couldn't go to school like other children, I was suppose to greet everyone politely in parties instead of actually enjoying them, I wasn't aloud to play on the snow during the solstice festival..." Jane sighs, "But I understood that those were some of the things I would have to give up to be what I was suppose to be" 

Bucky looks at her then, "Where you happy with that?"

Jane turns to him with a scowl, and Bucky just stares waiting for her to answer. She swallows tightly, his words resonating inside her head, and when she realises she never really asked herself that question, she shakes her head and continues talking, eyes glued to some point above her.

"My father told me about Thor the morning I turned sixteen," Later that day she met him for the first time, "Julia had told me three months prior about certain duties I would have to fulfil as a lady" she starts, "And that my decision would affect many ties Glassmere had with the rest of the colonies"

"That seems like a very heavy burden"

Jane chuckles sadly, "Not for me" she says, "I knew that... I had to sacrifice one last thing to be able to be what I-" 

"What you were suppose to be" Bucky cuts her off, moving into a sitting position, "You would have married a complete stranger just because of some business deal that needed to be closed?" He sounds almost upset at the thought, "Were you happy?" he asks again, looking at her over his shoulder. 

Actually, the first time he asked if she was happy with taking so much responsibility to herself, to miss out on friends and parties. Now, he was asking if she was happy with her whole life. Jane sits, taking some distance from him.

She nods hesitantly, "I would have been happy if-"

"No" Bucky shakes his head, rubbing his jaw, "Were you ever truly happy?" 

The was no trace of anger in his tone anymore, like it had dissipated in a matter of seconds. When he looks at her again, his gaze is questioning, yet his eyes remain soft like his tone of voice, he isn’t scolding her, or demanding an answer, he just wants to know. 

"I loved my family, the people I knew, the festivals and Darcy's friends” She finally answers.

Bucky runs a hand through his hair, “What about it as a whole?"

She frowns slightly. 

“You have to look at the whole landscape, Jane” 

“What does that mean?” She asks. 

“The whole should be greater than the sum of its parts” Bucky says quietly, eyes staring above them, “You liked your family, your friends… But what about it as a whole, the life they were part of… What about that?” 

She understood now what he meant, and the answer he wanted presented itself to Jane almost immediately.

“I wasn't happy with how my life had turned out to be" She answers, looking at the pattern in the blanket she is sitting on, “As a whole” 

It feels good to say it out loud, she thinks, but there is still a part of her that feels guilty. The part that she left in Glassmere, the part that died with her father, or the part that remains needing Darcy, the only thing she had left, she doesn’t know.

Jane feels a pang bloom in her belly, she had wasted her whole life in something that, in a matter of seconds, went up in smoke right in front of her eyes. Even Bucky, who had been taken from his home, stripped from his memories and thrown in a world that wasn't his own, had made something for himself. He had overcome what they had done to him, refused to be what they had told him he was supposed to be, and he broke free to get what he wanted for himself. Bucky didn’t have anyone and yet… No. Bucky had Jane, just like Jane had Bucky. She just needed him to say it out loud, so he can make it feel real instead of a dream, or a wish. 

Bucky reaches for her, and wipes a tear that had rolled down her cheek without any warning. Jane moves away from his touch, wiping her cheeks with her hands while she tries swallowing the rest of her tears. Bucky remains in his side of the blanket, and neither know when did they move so far from eachother, but he doesn’t try moving closer or reaching for her again. 

"I'm sorry" He says quietly, "I- Fuck, you just wanted to play twenty stupid questions and I end up making you cry"

Jane looks at him, and realises they had moved away from each other without really meaning to. A physical representation of something both Jane and Bucky had realised often happened between them. Every time they opened up it ended up being too much, and it was always followed by a long silence, before they closed off again and drifted from each other.

One step forward. Two steps back.

A weariness washes over her as the moment stretches a few seconds too much, and this time is her who wants to run. She glances at the car. 

"I’m going to go-" Jane says.

"Listen-" Bucky starts.

He lets out a nervous chuckle and Jane a shaky breath. She looks at Bucky, waiting for him to say something, anything, so she has a reason to stay. His hand slithers over hers, the tip of his fingers ghosting her knuckles before he moves it away.

He looks at where their hands could have met, "I want you to know..." He starts again, "I care about you, Jane" he says, and then he’s looking at her, "At first… At first you scared me- getting too close to you scared me I mean" 

Neither would let the other do that. Jane remembers Bucky saying.

"But these past weeks, I’ve realised you- you mean to me something other than my traveling partner" Jane smiles softly, "I trust you"

Jane’s sight blurs, and Bucky licks his lips nervously.

"And for someone like me, that means... A lot" He adds quietly, "I hope that it means the same to you"

And the feeling in the pit on Jane's stomach, the coiling feeling that twisted her insides and didn’t let her breathe, finally lets go off her. Her lungs inflate and deflate unrestricted.

Bucky’s hands are shaking slightly, Jane notices and sees him rubbing them together, as if to shake away whatever it was that had him then. Jane crawls until she is kneeling infront of him and she sits on her legs, getting as close as she can to him without it meaning something she would like it to be, but not being what they needed right then. They both need reassurance, order in the chaos that they lives had been until they met, and to know that everything that happened afterwards is real. 

"It's more than enough to me, Bucky" she says, "It's... Everything" 

Bucky reaches for a strand of her hair that had fallen to her face, and a smile pulls from one side of his lips when she leans into the touch. His thumb ghosting against the beauty mark on her cheek, and Jane tilts her head slightly enjoying the caress before moving closer and closer, until she wraps her arms around Bucky’s neck. 

“What is this for?” Bucky asks quietly.

She lets out a shaky breath, trying so hard for the tears in her eyes not to fall down, because he has always asked when she hugged him. 

“Because I want to” Jane answers. 

Bucky chuckles softly, almost sounding relieved. And he holds her tightly against his chest.

“As long as you're with me, you'll be just fine” Bucky whispers softly against her ear.

It’s a promise, she knows, and Bucky was the kind of person who didn’t break the promises he made.