Part II: New World

Bucky turns on the couch for what feels like the hundredth time. Despite feeling exhausted when he went to sleep, he hadn't being able to rest for more than three hours, perhaps because of the chilling cold or maybe the remorse of being in a fairly comfortable couch when Jane is sleeping on the floor. He glances at Jane, who is wrapped in her blanket and deeply asleep a few feet from him. The fire was still alive, and the room was warm, just not enough for him. Perhaps he had grown used to sleep with her closer to him, he thinks as he glances at her again, and then at the space next to her that looked empty for some reason. Bucky takes a deep breath and shakes the thought away, scolding himself for thinking that way when he had already decided not to fall deeper for Jane Foster.

The cabin was small, a single room with no kitchen or bedrooms, no working electricity, and the "bathroom" was outside – four walls and a hole in the ground, ick – Jane had told him that the cabin wasn’t owned by anyone, it was used by teenagers when they wanted to make parties and drink in secret, and since it was apart from the citadel, no one really bothered in demolishing it. When they arrived there were twenty inches of snow covering it, like it had been abandoned longer than the rest of the colony, and the door was frozen close. There was a wooden chest box in one corner of the room, where someone had left several bottles of alcohol the last time the cabin was occupied.

He considers taking a drink, it could warm him up, but chooses not to when Jane stirs on her sleep and he realises is better if he stayed up and kept guard. Just in case. He kept telling himself that, not being able to come to terms with the fact that they were… Alright.

Bucky runs a hand through his face and hair as he takes his eyes off Jane, finally deciding to stay awake, the scratch of his beard reminds him that he hadn’t shave or have a proper shower in ages. Tomorrow they can finally leave as soon as the sun is out.

As he stands from the couch, Bucky wonders how was the citadel before Pierce decided to sink his claws into the colony. Jane described it as a happy place, with music and movies, and parties held for the people, everything that it wasn't now, everything that it didn't have anymore. He is about to lay back on the couch when he hears it, a howling just like the night before, when Jane woke him to see the snow falling. But it didn't sound too far, it actually sounded closer than before. Jane stirs in her sleep but doesn't wake up and Bucky tries not to make a sound until she is still again. He hears the howling once more, and it's almost as if it's right next to them. Bucky glances at Jane and stands from the couch, reaching for his boots and coat, tying then up and zipping it up before he reaches for Jane's backpack to get the small flashlight she had, and walks outside as quiet as possible throwing one glance at Jane before he closes the door behind him.

The night was unforgivably cold, chilling him through his bones, but when he hears the howl of the wolf he forgets about it and continues walking, gripping the flashlight tightly. Jane had told him about wearing gloves but he had forgotten those, so he tries to at least warm up one hand by putting in inside one of the coat pockets.

For a second he forgets he's actually looking for the howling wolf until he hears the animal again. He isn't sure why he wants to see it so badly - well, he has never seen one before - but he does, his feet moving fast as the snow allows him as he follows the sound. He turns to find the house almost too far for his liking, and when he is about to turn around and go back, he hears a low growl. Bucky tenses, his body going rigid as he looks over his shoulder with the corner of his eye.

"Holy shit" he whispers.

Less than ten feet from when he is standing the wolf stands, baring his teeth at the intruder and growling lowly. Bucky takes a deep breath, and then lets it out slowly, not wanting to scare the animal away - or to give the wolf a reason to attack him - and turns the flashlight off. It takes a few seconds for his eyes to get used to the darkness, but when he is finally able to make up more than a dark shape, he sees the wolf approaching him. There are a few dark spots on the snow, where the animal steps and Bucky can tell he's wounded. The wolf limps towards him, still cautious, and Bucky kneels slowly at the same time he reaches for him. 

"Don't panic" Bucky whispers, condensation leaving his lips, "it's okay"

The wolf's electric blue eyes are burried into Bucky's very similar ones. And he is so close to touching the white fur with his fingertips. He puts his weight on one knee and the snow under him creaks, making the wolf give a step back and sneer at him. Bucky swallows tighly, but keeps his hand stretched towards the animal. He has never seen something so beautiful, despite it's muzzle being marred with scars and the limping as it moved, the wolf remained a majestic wild creature. The thought of asking Jane if she could fix the animal's leg crosses his mind but shakes it off, thinking how dumb and impossible it sounded.

"Hey" Bucky whispers, "it's alright, it's alright" 

He doesn't know what else could calm the animal, or make it come to him, so he just repeats it once again. And when the tip of his fingers finally touch the spot between the electric blue eyes, the snow creaks under him. No, it cracks. The frozen ice under his feet cracks with the weight of both him and the wolf. 

Only when the ice cold water swallows Bucky, he remembers that Jane said the lake wasn't frozen enough.

Jane opens her eyes.

She takes her hand to her chest and then looks around, panting harshly. She was having another nightmare she wishes she couldn't remember, but she could see the fire swallowing her house, and Julia and her father hung outside the plaza as clear as she could see the fire burning next to her. She had thought that the carefree feeling she had left Glassmere with would keep the nightmares away, but it hadn’t been enough. She kicks the covers off her, feeling too warm despite the cold sweat covering her, and ties her hair up with an elastic band she kept in her wrist. The fire next to her flickers, and when she turns to Bucky, the couch is empty.

"Bucky?" Jane calls, "Bucky" she says louder.

There is a faint sound in the distance, and when she tries to distinguish it she isn’t able to. She stands up and notices the man's boots and coat are gone, her backpack is open and the door is slightly ajar, letting the cold air from outside enter the house. Jane stands and puts her shoes as fast as she can and grabs her coat before opening the door looking outside for Bucky, several feet away from the boat house she can see the faint light of a flashlight and then she hears a howling, followed by splashing water. 

"Bucky!" Jane yells, her feet moving automatically towards the light. 

Her lungs are almost burning, her feet moving as fast as they can as her mind supplies her with the worst possible scenarios, Bucky being eaten by wolves, Bucky drowning, Bucky dead... When she finally reaches the light, the flashlight she kept in her bag is on the ground, barely inches away from a hole filled with frozen water. The hole Bucky had fallen into.

"No, no, no, no, no" Jane kneels on the snow careful not to break the ice under her feet, realising that she's on top of the lake, "Bucky! Bucky, please!" 

When his head pops out in the surface he gasps for air desperately, she gasps laying on the thicker ice and reaching for him. Jane isn't sure if he knows how to swim but even if he did, the frigid water would drag him down. The snow is cold against her chest, and she reaches for the man only for him to slip through her fingers like the cold water that was drowning him. She takes a few deep breaths before she turns on the flashlight and sinks it in the ice water, hoping Bucky doesn't lose it out of sight. She crawls closer to the edge of the hole and sinks both hands into the freezing water, waving them around to see if Bucky could reach her. 

"Shit" she curses, the cold wind freezing the tears already streaming down her cheeks, "Bucky, come on" She shouts, "come on!"

Her breath hitches when she feels Bucky grip one of her hands and she immediately grips it tighter before she starts to pull, or tries to since he weights almost three times what he normally does while wet. Jane doesn't want to break the ice so she has to do it carefully, she taps the surface underneath her to make sure it's thick enough to hold her and Bucky's weight.

"It's alright- I got- I got you, Bucky" Jane says, more to herself than to him.

Jane looks at him with wide, glassy eyes when he finally is able to breath again, he tries to say something but the cold air feels like knives on his windpipe, every breath he takes piercing his lungs. Jane pulls him towards her more and more, until he isn't in the water anymore, he is still shivering violently and his wet clothes seem to be dragging him down while Jane tries pulling him up.

Gathering all her strength, she manages to help him get inside the house, as he drags his feet through the snow doing his best to walk despite his legs feeling like ice blocks. Her body is warm against his but it's not enough. Bucky barely registers he is inside the house, as he stands in the middle of the room alone for a few seconds while Jane closes the door behind them, she is rambling about the ice and the lake but he isn't paying much attention, wanting to get rid of the clothes and boots but not able to move a muscle.

He opens his mouth, "I- I'm fr- freez-"

"We need to get these off" Jane says out of breath, pulling the zipper of the coat down and peeling it off his shoulders.

He shrugs the coat off and lets Jane take the shirt off him, raising his arms when she tells him too as he tries to toe off his boots. He lets out a frustrated sound when he is unable to do so and Jane tells him to wait. She holds something up to his lips, a small glass with amber liquid in it, and without questions he swallows it. The liquid burns through his throat. 

“It will warm you up” 

He nods jerkily, "Th- Fu- fucking boots"

Jane frowns and then looks at his feet, "Sorry, sorry" she says nervously. 

Jane kneels and unlaces the books, taking them off in a swift movement. Her hands are shaking as much as Bucky's whole body, and he realises she is more scared than anything else. Scared that she almost lost him perhaps, his mind supplies and he swallows guiltily at the thought. He opens his mouth to apologise but Jane cuts him off.

"The socks are dry" Jane says, leaving them on his feet.

Bucky starts walking towards the fire but Jane stops him holding his hips and unbuttoning his pants instead, she is about to pull them down when he stops her, Jane takes a few breaths in and the starts talking at a fast pace.

"We need to get the temperature up slowly" She says quickly, "if you get warm to fast your blood will rush to your heart and you can have a heart attack" It comes out as an overflow of words, but her voice comes out small afterwards, "Please" 

Bucky nods, shivering still as she lets Jane undress him, once his pants and underwear are gone she reaches for a dry shirt and tells him to dry his hair as much as he can. He starts doing as he's told, stopping when Jane takes off the thick sweater she is wearing, staying in the thin cotton shirt she wore under, and kicks her shoes off before reaching for the blanket she has been sleeping on what feels hours ago. He can't help but stare shamelessly, blaming the state of shock he is in - for falling into ice water that is - that's when he remembers he's naked. 

"What were you doing outside, Bucky?" Jane scolds.

And before he can answer she... Hugs him. Arms tight around his torso as her body flushes against his own naked one. Did he already say he was naked? Because he is naked. While Jane holds him as if her life depended on it. Well, his life probably does depend on it. Maybe.

"Bucky, what were you doing-"

"What is thi- this for?" He stammers, looking at a point ahead, still shivering despite the warmth she was providing. 

Jane looks at him, "Sharing body heat" she says matter factly, like she isn't hugging him while he is fully naked.

She throws the blanket around his shoulders, it's large enough to cover both of them but Jane just covers his shoulders, rubbing his arms before hugging him again. If the blood was running through his body normally, he would have already made the moment an embarrassing one, he thinks, but only sighs and enjoys the life saving body heat Jane is offering. His hands twitch on each side of her shoulders, like they know he is suppose to do something else with them but Bucky's brain hasn't quite catch up.

"Your legs will warm up by themselves" Jane says, "but you can put your arms around me"

Bucky nods and finally puts his arms around her, covering her whole body with the blanket as he does, her body looking almost fragile against the bulk of a man he was. But he knew fragile or weak wasn't a word he could use to describe Jane. Jane was... Resilient. She wasn't the thin ice that broke underneath his feet, she was the strong water that had pulled him down and down, drowning him slowly. That's how he felt with Jane, like a drowning man. He was already in too deep to be pulled out, and he didn't care anymore. He pulls Jane closer, tighter, hiding his face in the crook of her neck, enjoying the smell and warmth emanating from her. He's hyper aware of every part of his body where it touches Jane's. He feels raw, skinless.

"I'm going to put my hands on you" Jane says, barely above a whisper but they are close enough, she's asking permission for some reason. 

Don't touch me like that. Bucky remembers saying, but not wanting her to touch him wasn't what he meant. He doesn't say it.

He nods his head, and he soon feels Jane's cold hands on his sides, then moving to his back rubbing up and down. Bucky then remembers that Jane almost jumps into the water to try to reach for him. He gets a glimpse of Steve's wet blond hair and blue eyes, wide in fear, trying to reach him too, many years ago. It passes like a fleeting shadow, but he sees the same fear he saw in Jane's eyes dripping from Steve's.

"What were you doing outside?" Jane asks against his chest, and he remembers her asking the same question minutes before.

He licks his lips, "I wanted to see the wolf" 

Jane remains quiet and still for a few seconds, before she chuckles and then laughs softly. Not mockingly, just... Amused. His lips quirk upwards and he feels his cheeks blush in embarrassment, the blood rushing through his body already at a normal pace. 

"And did you?" She asks. 

"Mm?" 

"Did you see the wolf?" 

He nods, "It was beautiful" Jane hums, "Did it fall to the water too?"

"I don't think so, no" Jane says, "I didn't see anything, it was dark" she adds apologetically. 

Bucky nods. The poor animal probably feel into the water too, the hole had been big enough and the wolf was close to him when the ice broke underneath them. He feels Jane's hand caress his back, and he feels self conscious about the scars there all of sudden, similar to the wolf's muzzle. And he hopes Jane finds them... He doesn't want her to be repulsed by them. Bucky feels the urge to pull away, but Jane is wrapped around him as tightly as the blanket. 

"Do you know how to swim?" Jane asks suddenly.

"Of course" he answers after a few seconds, then he frowns, "Why?"

"Just curious" Jane replies, "I... You can sit near the fire now" 

Jane moves away from him slowly, feeling as if she had overstayed her welcome somehow, and then Bucky nods looking almost uncomfortably she realises that’s it. He walks towards the couch he had been sleeping on and drags it closer to the fire, closer to where she had been sleeping. It's when he slumps into the couch with a groan that Jane realises she had been standing in the same spot for too long and she blinks several times reaching for her discarded sweater.

"I remember Steve"

Jane turns to Bucky, a questioning look on her face. She then remembers Bucky's nightmares when he doesn't drink, he hadn't have them since they started traveling together and she feels relief because maybe Bucky feels somehow safe with her. At least unconsciously. Jane walks towards him and seats on the other side couch, taking her knees to her chest. 

"When I passed out because of the poison" he glances at her and when she nods he looks back at the fire, "Steve was my... Brother"

"The kind you choose?" 

He nods. 

"We were playing in the docks, where they wrecked boats are and we were caught by someone, some guards from Arcadia talking about something we maybe shouldn't have heard" Bucky licks his lips, "Steve wasn't going to be able to outrun them and I... I told him to leave" a wrinkle appear between his eyebrows and he stares at the fire, "I didn't even think about what would happen to me, I wanted him to be safe" 

A pause follows. Jane waiting for him to continue and Bucky not really knowing what else to say.

"They only caught you, Bucky" Jane reminds him, and she wants to tell him Steve escaped and that he was fine but she can't.

Jane can see Bucky's eyes becoming shinny, but he doesn't cry, instead he shakes his head and runs and hand through his still damp hair. She can see that, despite what he's saying sounding like he saved Steve, Bucky feels guilty. Maybe it's regret or a combination of both. Jane wishes then as she moves closer to him, that just like Darcy in the Cinders, Steve is safe in Catalean.

"Part of me doesn't want to go to Catalean" Bucky admits, "If he isn't- if Steve is gone... All I went through was for nothing"

Jane reaches for hand, moving as close as she feels allowed to, sitting on her knees to be able to look into his eyes.

"What you went through wasn't for nothing, and it wasn't nothing" Jane says firmly, "And nothing will change the fact that you went through all of that and still... Still remained" She squeezes his hand, "You are who you are because of that" 

"And what is that?" Bucky's brow furrows. 

"A good man, Bucky" She lets out a small puff of air, “And I will keep saying it until you realise it’s the truth”

It's not the first time Bucky hears her say it. But unlike the first time, he doesn't want to argue with her, he doesn't want to deny it either. He wants to believe it because it's Jane who said it, the same woman that had saved his life not because she needed something from him but because she truly believes he deserves to be saved. Bucky wants to pulls her into a kiss right then and there. To wrap her arms around her and and let her touch him as much as she wants, if she wants. But instead he nods, the knot on his throat too tight for him to say anything, and his limbs too sore to move at all. Jane squeezes his hand and then lets go but doesn't move away, and Jane takes it as a sign that is alright for her to lean into him. 

"What were you looking for?" Bucky asks after a few seconds in silence, She tilts her head, “When we were at the citadel” 

"There used to be a... Lighthouse like-"

"Ice Tower" Bucky says and she frowns with a nod, "I’ve heard of it, I thought it was there just... That it was smaller than people thought and we missed it"

Jane chuckles sadly, “It’s gone” she says after a few seconds, “You couldn’t see it because it was gone” 

He looks at her, “I’m sorry”

“It was just a building” Jane shrugs, “And… What it meant doesn’t matter anymore” she looks at him, and Bucky notices she’s hurt by her own words.

She goes quiet then, and reaches for a forgotten blanket on the floor to cover herself with. Bucky doesn’t look tired anymore, or cold, a healthy blush on his cheeks that makes him look even more handsome than he already is. Jane makes herself look away from him, and moves away from him as if to prevent herself from remembering that he is still nude under the blanket covering him. Too late for that, genius. She scolds herself, shaking her head and the thought away. But then she starts wondering if Bucky had ever being in that same state with someone else, in an entirely different situation of course. He already knew she had never been touched by a man, he knew she was once promised to someone she barely knew – She had only met Thor once, during the Strawberry Fields Festival in Roseburn, and they did nothing more than to shake hands – but she didn’t know anything about that aspect of his life. 

The curiosity becomes too much for her and she blurts out the question before she can stop herself. 

"Did you ever had a girlfriend?" 

Bucky looks taken aback by the question.

He looks at her wondering why bring that up in that particular time, then remembering she is curious by nature. Jane hadn’t ask too many personal questions, other than where he was from and if he remembered much and she knew he didn’t. About Jane’s personal things he knew she had been a lonely child, she only talks about Darcy, Julia and her father, she had probably never had a boyfriend since she was promised to someone else and, even thought it wasn’t a requirement to be a virgin until marriage, it was already known that she had never being touched by a man before.

"I just wanted to... I don’t know converse" She adds nonchalantly, when he remains quiet for too long.

After a few seconds Bucky hums.

"No. I never did."

“Oh” Jane starts twisting her fingers on her lap, “Why?”

Bucky shrugs, "If I was going to stay and die in the pit, I didn't want anyone to miss me” he answers honestly, “And if I was going to leave… I didn’t want someone that I would miss" 

Jane stares at the fire. Bucky’s words making sense, as if he had the answer for that question ready in his head. Maybe May or Coulson had asked him the same thing once, or it was just a common way of thinking amongst Legionaries. Bucky doesn’t ask about boyfriends, and she considers telling him about Thor, but… His name is all she knows about him. Jane remembers the blond hair and the charming smile, but she didn’t know anything else about him, so she keeps quiet. 

"There was a woman who was my… Friend” Bucky adds seconds later, "Natasha" Jane looks at him, "We were close, but never too close" he chuckles almost sadly, "Neither would let the other do that" 

"Did you want to?" 

He looks at her, "No" He answers at the same time his eyes drift away from hers, "I didn't think I deserved something like that then" 

Bucky isn’t sure is he should continue talking about the subject, but the conversation was flowing organically and he didn’t want to ruin that. Jane only – always – wanted to make conversation, and it didn’t bother him if she knew more about him.

"And now?”

Jane’s tone is soft-spoken, and she is looking at the fire when he glances at her. 

"I want to" He answers quietly, like it's a secret, "or at least I want to believe that is possible" 

She looks at him for a few seconds, "You deserve to let yourself believe that”

Before Bucky can find a reply to that, Jane yawns, apologising quietly afterwards. Bucky tells her she could go back to sleep, he wasn’t tired after all, and when she looks like she is about to argue, she yawns again and rubs her eye with the heel of her hand, offering him a soft smile and a nod afterwards. Jane doesn’t go back to the floor, she rests her head on the arm of the couch and holds the blanket tightly around herself. Her brown eyes looking amber as she stares into the fire, lost in thought for a few seconds, before she whispers something he doesn’t quite catch and closes her eyes.

Jane stares into the fire for a few seconds, wanting to fall asleep but afraid she would have another nightmare, but her eyelids feel heavy and Bucky does tell her he will keep an eye for her. She asks him to wake her up, just in case and with that she falls into a deep sleep.