Mistakes
“JARVIS, any anomalies anywhere in the world? You know what I mean.”
“It´s Friday, Boss,” the AI sounded apologetic for a reminder, which made Tony curse under his breath and close his eyes briefly shaking his head. “And unfortunately no, I haven´t detected any of the kind we are searching for.”
“I´m sorry, girl. You have to be patient with me,” Tony sighed, feeling like someone just put a hook through his chest and started to pull. He missed JARVIS terribly. And he was so not ready to start this spiral of thoughts again right after he´d climbed out of his bed, but there was this newspaper article opened right in front of him and then few more on the side hologram, which he hadn´t dismissed yesterday. A mistake.
He read the headlines automatically, without any intention to do so and his eyes stopped on the picture of the fucking reporter from the charity event. He really regretted that he did nothing against him after all.
CREATOR OF ULTRON ON MEDS – WHO WILL PROTECT US FROM TONY STARK HIMSELF?
The only positive thing was that no one really gave a shit right now about his mental condition or the fact that it only worsened since… Yeah. He remembered cap trying to talk to him before the whole fiasco and the only result was that he made them both feel awkward. Now his team hated his guts, but at least they stopped prying into his personal business. Not the ideal situation, but it worked well for him.
“Boss, why don´t you tell about the vision you had to the others?”
Good question. “They wouldn´t care, Fry. They need a scapegoat and now they have one. They aren´t going to let go of that.”
Friday seemed to disagree, which was amazing. Tony cheered every time he saw her personality to shape bit by bit.
“I don´t like Miss Maximoff near you, Boss.”
Tony chuckled coldly. “Believe me, girl, neither do I.” Loki will be so mad when he´ll eventually discover she´d played with his mind and then Tony let her stay in the Compound. He could imagine him standing still and angry, choosing his words wisely to show Tony how a big idiot he was. He wished it would happen already. He missed JARVIS and he missed Loki.
“It´s not like I´m spending much time away from the workshop, right? You have nothing to worry about. When Loki returns we will find a way how to protect my mind from her. I guess he will have some tricks for that.” He couldn´t fight away the smile forming on his lips.
While it was a truth that he didn´t crawl out to see the outside world often, he still needed to attend some meetings where Wanda was also present. But usually Vision sat next to her and it made Tony feel somehow safe. Today she was on some special training with SHIELD, the way up from his sanctuary will be therefore less terrifying.
“Boss, I need to remind you that the meeting with the team starts in 10 minutes.” Yes. And he looked like hell. Not sleeping well since Loki went away, although he was trying. He couldn’t really work either, wondering what he will destroy next time he takes something in his hand. He was proud that he didn´t let himself drink, although he was afraid that stage will eventually come. But maybe Loki could return before that, taking his mind away from thoughts eating up on him.
“I´m going to take a shower, Fry. Tell cap, I´m on my way.”
He winced when he stood up, feeling every muscle in his body to protest against the movement. In the bathroom he put a little make-up on what looked like the worst bruises on his face. He was glad that Pepper left it for him the last time she was around.
He left the workshop with the bad feeling in his stomach. Maybe partly caused by the fact he didn´t remember when he last ate. No one could blame him he lost his appetite when he saw people frowning at him disapprovingly every time he tried to enter the common floor and the kitchen.
“Finally, Stark,” Clint welcomed him in the small conference room and Tony almost jumped on his feet when he realized how much lost he was in his own thoughts while walking there. He gave his team a smile, which wasn´t any near his usual all teeth grin and looked fake even to him, but it gave them something to focus on. Something different than his bloodshot eyes.
“Let’s get it over with, I´m busy.”
He could sense people glaring at him, but instead of a reaction he rather focused on getting his ass on the chair without wincing out loud.
Captain was occupying the end of the table, standing in front of some papers and leaning on his hands. He started to talk immediately after Tony was settled. Not a single topic asked for Tony´s opinion or the insight, so he didn´t interfere, at least not until Wanda´s name was mentioned again and his whole body went rigid.
“…SHIELD is up on the approving Wanda for Avengers initiation. She displayed an interest to join the team and I guess we can all agree that she… What is it Tony?”
The engineer looked up, realizing that the storm of emotions in his head had to be more visible than he thought.
“I disagree,” he said after a moment of silence. Steve returned his gaze with a confusion written over his face.
“The reason?”
Tony took a deep breath, already regretting that he spoke up in the first place. But he remembered Friday´s words and it somehow gave him the strength to continue.
“I think she can not control her powers enough to be sure she won´t hurt anyone.”
“You mean like you?”
Tony ignored Clint, he didn´t come to fight. “And it´s too soon. Yesterday she was with enemy, today with us, what about tomorrow?”
Clint sent him an eyeroll, but captain looked at least like he was considering Tony´s input.
“If I may, captain,” Vision spoke up from the other side of the table, “I think I must agree with Mr. Stark in a way.”
Tony closed his eyes trying to calm down. This wasn´t JARVIS.
Everyone seemed to be taken aback by what was Vision saying, mostly Tony.
“I think that Wanda is really in a need of a proper training first. She tends to think otherwise, but as we worked with Mr. Stark on the nature of her magic, we found out some very disturbing facts.”
“What facts, Vision?” cap asked and Vision looked back at him, waiting for permission.
Tony nodded.
“We know that Wanda´s biggest strength lies in the mind control spells. As her friend I must say that she is rather impulsive in using those, although they can have horrible consequences for the controlled person. For example what happened with Dr. Banner was a very dangerous situation.”
Yes. Bruce. Finally having his freedom.
“I think that one shows how much Wanda can control her powers, don´t you think?” Clint suggested with a frown.
Tony almost groaned out loud.
“I´m afraid it is not so.” He again looked at Tony and this time the engineer took it in his own hands, deciding that it was about the time they learnt the truth whether they wanted to hear it or not.
“Do you know what she let me see when she was in my head?” he asked, waiting for the question to sink in. “I know that each one of you had very personal visions, maybe from the past?”
No one said anything, but the way they were avoiding his eyes spoke volumes. “I had one of the future.”
Tony shivered with the memory. “She let me see a threat, bigger than anything we´ve ever faced.” Vision nodded at him to continue. “In that vision you were dead. All of you. I was walking around your corpses.” He found captain´s eyes. “Before you died, Steve, you looked at me, grabbed my hand and said it was my fault.”
Everyone was quiet, Steve´s eyes widening.
“You must understand that Wanda planted that experience into Mr. Stark head, making it so real that he made ULTRON to never see this coming true,” Vision helped. Tony didn´t understand how they looked so shocked when some of those things they could figure out by themselves. “But what is more disturbing,” Vision went on, “should have Wanda used a bit more of this kind of suggestion Mr. Stark could have ended dead instead. I´m afraid she doesn´t fully understand how a human mind works and that every and each one is different. She didn´t take in consideration that Mr. Stark was already plagued with a lot of quilt from his past. She made him experience several nightmares, hunting him until he did what she wanted. Was it any weaker mind the person could have gone crazy or try to free himself and end his life. I hope you now understand the heaviness of Mr. Stark´s doubt.”
Another minute passed in utter silence, all eyes now on Tony.
“Is it the truth, Tony? Can you confirm you felt this way? I´m not happy to poke into this more than necessary, but we need to know to make a right call here.”
Tony tried to find some of that hate he felt past days in the air, but there was none. He didn´t know how he wanted that to be gone until it happened.
“I had a feeling like I need to do something, it was stronger than this other feeling of guilt. But when I was in that vision… it was like… I don´t know… I felt like I didn´t deserve to live. I wished to be dead. It just doesn´t sound like me. I mean… I would try to make things right, to change it, I wouldn´t just give up. At least not until there would be a hope.”
He felt like adding that last part wasn´t a clever thing to do, because everyone´s head snapped his way.
Captain looked horrified now. “Do you still feel this way, Tony? Is this suggestion still in your head?”
Tony shrugged. “Yes, I guess.” Powering his self-destructing tendencies.
“We should let Wanda fix what she has done.” Tony turned on Clint, surprised that the archer couldn´t meet his eyes for more than a half of a second.
He started to shake his head. “No, I don´t want her in my head, again, like ever again. I´m working on something which could protect us from any mind invaders not just her. I will sort this out while on it.”
Or simply he would tell Loki, have a calming down sex and then ask him to remove everything Wanda- like from his head.
“Good, let us informed, Tony. Wanda´s request for joining Avengers is postponed due to this new facts. I will inform SHIELD and talk to her. A training in this case is a necessity.”
Tony was glad. Maybe more than that. He felt much better when he was standing up from his chair and retreating back to his workshop. He even agreed to meet again with cap in private, although he knew what the talk would be about and he didn´t look forward to it.
“And yes, one final thing,” Steve called out before anyone could walk out.
“I met with Jane this morning. We knew that Thor went to Asgard with her and now she is fine and safe back home. But while talking to her I found out that Loki was also present. He helped Thor, saved his life actually, but he is dead because of it. Thor is about to return any time now, so don´t give him hard time about it… We all know that he loved…”
Tony didn´t listen anymore. He clutched his chair in a death grip sure that if he moved his legs won´t hold him. The sides of his vision went black and while Steve was talking, something in his chest was painfully breaking with every next word.
This couldn´t be real.
OOO
When Loki entered the small reception room he´d never visited before, he had to fight his instincts not to turn back and proclaim Thor´s idea for a foolishness it was. Allfather and Allmother weren´t prepared for his presence and neither was he prepared to visit Asgard. It all showed on their faces as their eyes met across the room.
“Steady, brother. We made an agreement. And you proved yourself. It will work,” Thor spoke with a low voice, encouraging Loki to continue when he stopped abruptly, but Loki knew better. Thor changed, although he still believed his parents to be flawless. He thought that they wouldn´t throw Loki into a jail when he´d helped to save Thor´s woman, sealing the Aether and bringing it here, but Loki wasn´t so naïve. This could become a very ugly situation rather quickly. Still, the hope of being free of the burden of secrecy was too tempting for him to ignore.
“My sons,” Odin stood up, his voice filling the room with an unspoken authority and elderly wisdom. Loki tensed, not expecting the plural form of the noun. His eyes wandered towards Frigga, who sent a small smile his way.
“Father,” Thor started to explain what had happened - their fight, Loki´s help, everything that he wouldn´t have done normally if it wasn´t for Anthony and his horrible influence upon him.
“I see.” Odin frowned and his eyes settled on Loki. “Asgard highly appreciates your help, but I´m afraid it will not be enough to pardon you for your past crimes. You endangered a lot of lives, attempted to kill Thor.” That wasn´t even half of the things he has done, but he understood. He expected this after all. Thor, however, did not.
“Father, please. It is a truth that Loki tried to destroy Jotunheim, but you know the depth of his mind-state which brought him upon this decision.” Thor danced on the thin line, indirectly accusing Odin and his deeds being the source of Loki´s anger. “I myself take his crime against me as forgiven for the great service he has done for me.”
Allfather measured them both.
“But what about Midgard?”
Thor looked at Loki with a mouth forming an apology and Loki didn´t understand what was the reason until it was too late to stop him.
“I believe there are certain circumstances in Loki´s favor concerning the battle on Midgard.”
“Thor!” Loki shouted, suddenly overwhelmed by the lack of the control above the conversation. They´d decided it was better to let Thor talk, but this wasn´t what they´d agreed upon.
“Continue, my son,” Frigga gave them a serious look, but there was something in her eyes which indicated that she knew. But how?
Loki wanted to interrupt, but Thor took his shoulder and shook his head. “They deserve to know.”
He knew it was pointless to fight now, when the bone was thrown. He let Thor finish his defense, not able to hold away the shudder he felt when Mad Titan´s name was mentioned.
“Don´t use his name,” he hissed with his eyes closed, there was something very raw reacting to it in Loki´s mind, a connection which terrified him.
He snapped his eyes open as he felt a gentle touch on his hand, which he´d subconsciously brought to his forehead before. Frigga´s face was full of regret and pain when it showed up in front of him. Her eyes were glassy.
“Those horrible dreams I had… It was you then,” she noted, Odin making a disapproving sound behind her. Loki saw the same kind of understanding and silent regret in his eyes, wondering if it was real.
“I do not wish to speak about it.”
Frigga nodded, but he knew it was only because of the situation. She squeezed his hand before she returned to Allfather´s side.
“In this case I acknowledge the information your brother provided upon this crime. Still,” Odin didn´t look pleased to prolong this, “I´m afraid we can not arrange what Thor is asking for.”
“Why father? It is a perfect solution. No one will doubt me if I say Loki died while protecting Jane and securing the Aether. He could live on Midgard under my supervision.”
Loki wanted to chuckle, but he was controlling his body enough not to do so.
“I wish it was that simple Thor,” Odin admitted, “But we do not know about Loki´s intentions on Midgard and we can not believe him to answer honestly.” At least Odin had a common sense. He never disappointed Loki in that matter.
“We have no proof that Loki won´t cause more harm on Midgard and you, my son, you are needed also elsewhere.”
Thor had again that expression like he was about to say something Loki won´t like. And this time Loki was fast enough to silence him with a threat.
“Don´t you dare,” he whispered in his direction.
“What is it Loki?” Frigga asked once more with more insight behind her mask as he would like.
Thor took a breath, but Loki interjected again.
“Don´t bring him into this.”
Thor gave him an apologizing look, but at least he stayed quiet and Loki´s mind started to work with its full capacity to get out of this without mentioning Anthony. This whole meeting has been a huge mistake. Had he known it would come to this he would have never agreed.
Just as he feared, Frigga knew more than she let others to see, because her face warmed and her smile restored itself.
“It is about that mortal then,” she said. Odin aimed his attention to him in the way it was hard not to look at him.
He had to tell them. Damn it, Thor.
“Yes, Allmother,” he stated coldly, “but I do not wish to bring him into this conversation.”
“Who is that person we are talking about?” Odin insisted.
Thor moved a small step forward like he had any right to speak for him.
“It is Anthony Stark of Midgard, the man of iron, my dear friend and one of the Midgard´s best defenders. He and Loki…” Thor hoped for a permission, but Loki couldn´t give him one, “Anthony cares about my brother, I believe he can supervise in the time when I can not.” Loki had to at least leave him that he tried to phrase this information as best as he could. Still, Odin didn´t look satisfied with the answer. Frigga realizing that fact, took him by his arm and whispered something quickly into his ear. Then it was her who spoke up.
“By these new conditions, we accept your proposal Thor and you are also responsible that those conditions are to be held. Loki will return to Midgard and continue to live there while he will be pronounced dead here in Asgard. If he lets himself be discovered, Asgard will claim no part in this plot.”
Loki was surprised by the last part coming from her, but after all he was fool if he expected anything else.
“Now, come here, my son, because we will not meet in a long time.”
Loki tensed on the spot, but started to move at the same time. He realized that he found himself in the exact same situation as Anthony in the past. He received a one last chance to see those who were once his family and it was only upon him where he will set his boundaries and if he allowed himself to be weak for a moment.
Despite the fact he was stiffened and unresponsive, he let his mother embrace him, trying his best to imprint the feeling in his memory. When they parted, he once again looked in her gentle eyes in a need of one more information.
“Mother, your visions are warnings. What have you seen?”
It was no coincidence she knew so much about him and Anthony. When the uncertain form of sorrow settled on her features, Loki prepared himself for something he won´t like.
“I hope it was the future which would happen in a long time, Loki.”
“So death,” he guessed, his mind bracing itself from the fact.
Frigga nodded slowly.
“Show me. I won´t ask anything else ever again.” And didn´t that sound desperate? But it was his only chance to see, to maybe detect something important, to change it.
Frigga saw right through him like she always did, but this time it was to Loki´s advantage. She let her hand rest on his cheek and Loki tried no to flinch away.
She drawn him into her dream.
It was very hazy, but it took only few seconds for him to realize someone was lying on the ground and that it had to be Anthony, because the other person was him, leaning over him. Loki wanted to come closer, but it wasn´t possible. He cursed his other self for standing in the view.
“What is that sound?” he asked, his voice echoing around.
“It is his heartbeat.”
Loki focused on it. Hearing how uneven that was. Until it suddenly stopped, deafening silence following and his own heart missing few beats on its own.
No.
He was rashly pushed back into present and the first thing he noticed was that Thor was standing behind him now, with a hand hovering close to his back and his own clenched painfully in his clothes over his heart. Even Odin was closer than before and Loki had to wonder for a second what did they see.
He let his mother caress his cheek affectionately, hating that he found a comfort in the gesture. After that he pulled back like he was supposed to at the beginning and looked both at Odin and his mother with renewed control.
“Thank you,” he said. And that was all he was about to do. Despite knowing that he might never visit his home again, Asgard was not the place where he wished to be at the moment. Because longing for it couldn´t be measured to the feeling he felt in his guts.
He needed to see him.
He needed to see him right now.