“Because I loved you Kate.”
The words repeated in Kate's head over and over, each time stinging even worse than the first. Kate wanted nothing more than to tell her that she messed up. That she was sorry. That she can’t go another day without her. That she loves her too.
But, Kate could hear the hurt in Lucy’s voice and no matter what she said in that moment it would have hurt her even more and that is the last thing Kate wants to do. So instead she stood in the bullpen and watched Lucy walk away. Walk away from her. Walk away from their future that could have been.
Now, she enters her silent apartment alone. The events of the day finally catching up to her. Kate should get in the shower and wash away the remaining blood from her face, but the thought of doing anything other than sitting right now seems too hard.
Kate isn’t good with people, relationships, and feelings. She’s good with orders, boundaries, and work.
Of course, it wasn’t always like this, but ever since her brother Noah died, the thought of opening up to someone and losing them? Scarier than being alone forever.
Now that is exactly what is happening. The thought of losing Lucy forever scares Kate more than she would like to admit. She didn’t realize how much she would care or how much Lucy would mean to her. It pains Kate to even think about how Lucy is probably on a date right now with someone else. But, it pains her even worse thinking about how much she hurt Lucy and never having the chance to make it right.
Instead of showering Kate walks into the kitchen and pours herself a hefty glass of wine in a mason jar. Kate situates herself on the couch, carefully adjusting herself to a comfortable position so that the pain in her rib subsides, if only for a moment.
She knows she messed up today. She could have been killed if it wasn’t for Lucy and Jesse. Kate also knows that Lucy’s anger towards her mistake means she still cares. As horrible as it sounds this relaxes Kate. If Lucy still cares that means she still has a chance to fix everything that she broke.
An hour later and half a movie in, Kate realizes she’s a bit wine drunk. She should just hop into bed and go to sleep. She’s not sure if it's the wine, the pain, or the heartbreak, but she can’t get herself to move off of the couch.
Instead, she pulls out her phone. There’s an unread message on the lock screen. For a second, Kate’s heart skips a beat, hoping it’s from Lucy. Of course it’s not. It’s just a message from Tennent making sure that Kate is doing ok. Kate is grateful for the message and fights a smile, thankful that the rest of Lucy’s team isn’t holding Lucy and her problems against her. Too tired to respond, she sets the phone down and lays down onto the couch. A few tears escape her eyes before she drifts off to sleep.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Kate startles awake at the sound of her alarm. She reaches for her phone on the couch where she left it the night before.
6:00 am.
“Ugh.” Kate sighs. She forgot to turn off her automatic alarm she has set for her Saturday morning surf sessions.
She rolls over and gets up from the couch. The bright Hawaiian sun is already lighting up her apartment. Unable to fall asleep after being woken up, she decides to head to the beach anyway. She won’t be able to surf today because of her minor injuries, Lucy would say otherwise, but that's besides the point.
Kate slowly puts on her favorite suit, trying to ignore the pain this causes, and throws on a pair of shorts and a light zip up. She quickly glances at herself in the mirror inspecting her bruised face. It’s not as bad as she thought it would be, but it’s still not great.
She grabs a granola bar from the pantry, taking a bite as she heads out the door. The apartment complex is usually quiet on Saturday mornings this early and Kate is thankful for that today.
She pulls up to a parking spot at the beach. Typically she tries to get here early before it gets too busy with tourists. It helps that she has a semi secluded regular spot, but it doesn’t necessarily stop the crowds on a nice day.
Kate smiles as she sees two familiar bodies sitting by their boards on the beach. She locks her car and the two figures turn around at the sound of the beep.
“Whistler!” Jesse calls out. “You’re here.”
Kai chimes in too. “Thought you wouldn’t be out here today.” His voice is a bit skeptical, understandably given her injuries.
Kate is nervous all of a sudden. She doesn’t want to overstep any boundaries, especially now that she and Lucy have been broken up from whatever was going on between them.
However, as she walks closer she can see the playful smiles on both faces and feels her body relax. She's relieved she seems to still be welcome at their Saturday morning surf sessions.
“Not surfing today!” Kate responds back. “My alarm went off and I couldn’t fall back to sleep, so thought I would come to the beach anyways.”
“I mean if that's still alright? I totally understand if…” But Jesse cuts her off before she can finish.
“We’re glad you’re here Whistler.” Jesse says and Kate gives him a half smile before she is able to hide it.
Kate has been coming to this spot on the beach since she started her job down here in Hawai’i. The proximity to her apartment was a plus and she also discovered it’s quite quiet here in the morning hours, apart from her and a few locals.
One day in the office Kate overheard Kai and Jessie talking about going surfing. This was when she and Lucy were still together so it only seemed natural for her to get to know Lucy’s friends and coworkers outside of work, even though it was very uncharacteristic of her, she wanted to make an effort. She offered up her secret spot, hoping they would join her every once and awhile for Saturday morning surf sessions. Kate hasn’t made many friends since the whole Noah thing so she was grateful when they more than happily agreed to join her.
“Glad you’re okay too, Whistler.” Kai looks up at her, covering his eyes to avoid the sun. Kate fails again to hide her smile.
“Thanks, me too.” She offers shyly. Still not used to her coworkers caring about her outside of work. “I’m just glad you guys caught them.”
They both nodded as they stood up to grab their surfboards.
“You’re sure you're not coming out today. The water looks great.” Jesse jokes, clearly already knowing there is no chance in hell Kate is surfing today after how he and Lucy found her yesterday.
“Have fun out there kids.” Kate shouts back as the boys head down to the water.
Kate closes her eyes, soaking up the warm morning sun, listening to the crashing of the waves. Waves come and go. So do feelings. Lucy will come back to her, she knows it. And that thought warms her even more than the sun.
____________
Kate startles awake, sweat dripping from all over her body. She rubs her eyes as she breathes in and out, trying to calm her rapidly beating heart.
A nightmare. She hasn’t had one of those in a long time. She gets them every once and awhile, but mostly around the time of the anniversary of her brother's death. And yes, that happens to be today.
Kate rolls over from her stomach to her back, feeling the lack of presence of another body in the bed. Ever since she and Lucy got back together, Lucy has spent most nights at her place. Lucy had to work late last night, so unfortunately for Kate that meant no waking up to Lucy in her bed. She turns over to her bedside table and unlocks her phone. It reads 6:00 am.
Kate was hoping to sleep in on her day off, but there goes that idea. She’s not totally surprised though, that today of all days, she would be doing much of anything.
Even though a few minutes have passed since she awoke from her nightmare, Kate is still having a little trouble breathing, the nightmare leaving her feeling off. A tear threatens to escape the corner of her eye and that only makes her start to breathe harder. The reminders that the day brings, coming back to her.
She is a strong independent woman. Went from college, to grad school, to the DIA and now the FBI. But as strong as she is she can now admit, thanks to her incredible girlfriend, that some things can not be done alone.
She clicks on Lucy's contact in her phone. It’s early on her day off and surely Lucy would much rather sleep in, but Kate doesn’t know what else to do. She needs the only person that can make her feel better.
“Luce.” She is able to croak out when Lucy picks up the phone.
“Kate, I’m right here.” Lucy says through the phone and Kate can hear the concern in her voice.
“I know it’s early. Too early. And it’s your day off. But…” Kate doesn’t finish her rambling before she hears a noise coming from the apartment door.
“Wait, I think someone is…” As Kate walks into the living room she sees Lucy walk in, closing the door. “You're… You’re here.”
Kate’s heart melts at the sight of Lucy and she smiles softly. She’s balancing two cups of coffee and is holding a box of donuts. But most importantly she’s here. At Kates. When Kate needed her the most. She’s here even before she knew how Kate was feeling this morning.
“Of course I’m here silly.” Lucy says coyly. “I wasn’t sure what you’d be up to doing today, but I didn’t want to miss you if you decided you felt up to surfing this morning.”
“I’m not surfing today.” Kate is able to get out. “I… I had a nightmare. And Noah… Noah. And…”
“Baby, come here. It’s okay.” Lucy pulls Kate into a tight hug and does her best to wrap her arms around Kate’s shoulders given their height difference. Kate feels the tears begin to fall and doesn’t try to stop them anymore.
They stay like that for a while. Lucy holds Kate up while she cries and offers affirming words here and there. Her body shakes against Lucy’s small but tough frame and Lucy rubs her back, calming her down as she continues to cry.
“I love you. I’m here for you.” Lucy repeats over and over and Kate finally is able to compose herself enough to release herself from Lucy’s embrace.
“I love you too, Lucy.” Kate is able to get out. “Thanks for being here, even before I called.”
“Always.” Lucy responds quietly. “I know you don’t want to surf today, but we could walk down by the beach maybe?”
Another tear falls from the corner of Kate's eye and she wipes it away before giggling. “Lucy Tara, asking to go to the beach?”
“Anything for you my love.” Lucy responds sweetly, taking Kate's hand in hers and rubbing small circles on the back of her hand.
“I appreciate it.” Kate says, leading Lucy to the couch, still holding her hand. “But…” She continues softly. “Maybe we could just sit here for now and talk. Maybe take my mind off things for a while?”
“Oh you know if you ask me to talk I’ll talk.” And just like that Lucy is going off about God knows what in her subtle southern accent. Kate leans over to Lucy’s side and cuddles in. Content with the crazy story Lucy is telling and the feel of Lucy’s hand in hers.
The nightmares of Noah out of her mind. All she needs right now is the comfort of her person, Lucy.
____________
“Mmm Kate.” Lucy grumbles, still half asleep, turning over and laying her body basically on top of Kate. Kate loves Lucy in the morning. She’s so sweet and cuddly. “Turn it off and we can just stay in bed all day.”
“On it love.” Kate replies, almost just as sleeplily. She reaches over and shuts off the alarm on her phone before wrapping her arms around the sleepy body that is now on top of her.
“This is nice.” Lucy mumbles against Kate's chest. “Are you really going to leave your amazing girlfriend to go surf with some annoying boys.”
“Hey!” Kate exclaims, maybe a little too loudly for how early it is. “Those boys are your best friends.” Kate jokingly spits back. “And if you bothered to open your eyes, you would realize I won’t be doing any surfing today.
Kate tilts her head so she can observe Lucy’s face as she slowly opens one of her eyes. Kate grins as she sees the wheels turning in girlfriend's head.
The sky is dark this morning and a slight rumble can be heard from outside. All the signs of a good old thunderstorm. Kate chuckles and watches as Lucy’s head moves up and down from the movement of her chest.
“Lazy morning in bed it is.” Lucy grins ear to ear and snuggles back into Kate.
“Only if I get some of that famous Lucy breakfast.” Kate quips back.
“Oh of course.” Lucy responds softly. “Only after I…”
Lucy doesn't finish and instead falls right back asleep. She shifts a bit and Kate takes the opportunity to turn to her side and wrap her arms around Lucy, placing her chin on Lucy’s shoulder.
They both sleep for what feels like ages and is very much needed after a rough week, kicking ass and takin’ names, as Lucy would say.
Kate feels Lucy turning towards her, so she opens her eyes and is greeted by the most beautiful sight in the world.
“Mornin’ sleepy head.” The way Lucy whispers it almost against her lips and the roughness of her voice in the morning is doing something to Kate.
“Mmm, good morning it is.” Kate whispers back, placing a soft kiss to Lucy’s lips. It’s just a quick little peck, but Kate knows Lucy gets the intent behind it as soon as she sees Lucy’s mouth turn into a smirk. “You’re beautiful.”
“And you’re perfect.” Lucy responds just as Kate takes Lucy’s hand in hers and plays with her fingers.
“Do you have no plans today?” Lucy questions before placing a brief kiss on Kate's lips.
“No plans.” Kate responded with another kiss.
“Good because you are my plans.” Lucy says with a smirk. And the thought of her Saturday morning surf forgotten as Lucy’s hands are all over her.
____________
“Kate.” Lucy groans, drawing out the a in her name. “Please come back to bed. Your girlfriend needs to cuddle with you.”
Kate, already dressed in her swimsuit, walks into the room. “Luce, I love you, but I have missed far too many prime surfing mornings since you moved in because you wanting to cuddle turns into more. Hours more.”
“I mean I didn’t hear you complaining.” Lucy smirked, proud of herself.
“I… Uh…” Kate's cheeks begin to redden.
“Come on. Do I have to go full Adele on you to get you to come back to bed?” Lucy laughs as Kate covers her face in embarrassment, remembering how she quite literally sang her heart out in front of all of Lucy’s coworkers to win her back.
“You know you can come with me.” Kate says ignoring Lucy’s comment, before walking over and giving Lucy a quick good morning kiss. “I’ll teach you.”
“Me?” Lucy points to herself exaggeratedly. “Lucy Tara, who's afraid of the water?”
“You said it yourself, you conquered your fear while on the agent afloat job.” Kate offers. “Even went in the water and snorkeled.”
“Yeah, but…” Lucy starts, unable to find a good excuse not to learn how to surf while her incredibly hot girlfriend is in a bikini. “... that’s different.”
“Suit yourself.” Kate strides away, smirking and showing off the bikini she is wearing. She knows this one is Lucy’s favorite. Apparently blue looks good on her.
Kate hears shuffling from the bed. “Ugh fine I’ll come. If, and only if, I get to be the one who takes off that bikini when we get home.”
“Depends how good the lesson goes.” Kate teases. She grabs Lucy’s hand and pulls her up out of the bed, throwing a swimsuit at her.
When they get to the beach Kate waves down to the shore at the two guys already in the water. She looks over at Lucy to find her with a confused look on her face. “Jesse and Kai? That’s who you surf with?”
“Yeah.” Kate smiles. “Is that okay?”
“Oh. No, that is totally okay.” Lucy, not so secretly, showing how okay it is by the look on her face. “I just didn’t realize that this was a thing.” She said motioning towards the ocean.
“Been doing it for a while.” Kate offers shyly. “It was nice to still have people, even when we had broken up.”
Kate hoped the mention of their breakup wouldn’t kill the mood. They talk about it sometimes. How lost and broken they both were without each other. But still, it isn’t something they particularly like to think about.
“I’m happy. That makes me really happy Kate.” Lucy looks up at her and all Kate sees is love. They stare at each other for a moment and Kate leans in to kiss Lucy, but they are interrupted.
“Hey, you two love birds going to get into the water or what?” Jesse calls from shore. They both turn toward each other and laugh before heading down to the beach.
“I think there won’t be any of me getting into the water just yet.” Lucy jokes back.
“Well you have a good teacher.” Kai winks as he and Jesse head back towards the water, giving them space.
“Okay.” Kate says, as they both set their surfboards down on shore. “Let’s start with some basic techniques. Here,” She says motioning to Lucy to lay down on her board. “Follow me.”
Kate and Lucy both lay down on their stomachs on top of the surfboards. “Pretend your paddling.”
“You’re such a nerd.” Lucy says affectionately.
“Babe, seriously though. I don’t think I can do this.”
“We’re not even in the water yet.” Kate rolls her eyes, but a smile is still glued to her face. “I mean you don’t have to if you really don’t think you can. I appreciate you just even coming out here with me and considering trying.” Kate reassures her.
“But, I really do think you can do it. And…” She crawls over to where Lucy is sitting atop her surfboard and kisses her, letting her lips linger for a moment. “You get one of these every time you learn a step.”
“Well, that does sound appealing. I’m in.” Lucy leans into Kate, but Kate pulls away just in time, and Lucy is left with a pout on her lips. “Hey!”
“You didn’t learn something yet.” Kate quips. Leaving Lucy there, still waiting for her kiss. “Okay let’s get started.”
Before actually getting into the water, Kate teaches Lucy the proper paddle. Lucy gets a kiss. Kate teaches Lucy how to get up onto her feet. Lucy gets a kiss. Kate explains when to start paddling and when to get up on the board. Lucy gets a kiss. By the end they eventually just end up making out on the beach before Jesse calls them out.
“Hey Luce! I think Whistlers taught you enough, get out here!”
Kate gives Lucy a questioning look. “You ready? If you don’t want to, you don’t have to.”
“I’m ready, let's go.” Lucy makes a flexing motion with her biceps and heads towards the water with her surfboard. Kate laughs and shakes her head before catching up with her girlfriend.
“Okay, wait…Wait. Okay go now! Paddle. Paddle!” Kate shouts towards Lucy. Lucy paddles and is able to get her body to stand up on the board. “Yes! Yes!”
“You’re doing it Luce.” Jesse and Kai both shout as Lucy rides out the end of the wave towards shore. They all watch as Lucy falls off the board and walks the rest of the way to the shore. When she gets there she throws her hands up in the air.
“Woohoo!” She shouts, clearly exhausted and overwhelmed. People clap from the shore and Lucy takes a bow.
“Okay guys that was fun, but I’m gonna… Ya know sit here and look pretty while y'all do your thing.”
Jesse, Kai, and Kate throw fist bumps all around, while the guys congratulate Kate on convincing Lucy to surf. Kate beams from ear to ear, not because of Lucy surfing, while that too, but because of the pure happiness she feels in this moment. She wasn’t sure she would ever feel this happy again and it’s all because of Lucy.
“Let’s see those moves Whistler!” Kate hears Lucy shout from shore and she is more than happy to show off her surfing skills to her incredibly amazing girlfriend.