Chapter 1
Steve had left.
And now Tony was left to pick up the pieces.
He couldn’t but hope whenever he walked into their (former) shared bedroom that Stew would walk out of the bedroom any minute, wearing nothing but a towel hugging his hips, and his body glistening with water. And then it would hit him all over again.
Steve never did return.
And somehow the letter, only made it worse.
Steve didn’t return because Tony wasn’t worth it. And he never would be to anyone. He wasn’t to Pepper, he wasn’t to Steve. Hell, the only person that always stood by him was Rhodey and look what happened to him. Tony couldn’t help but think that maybe he was the bad seed in everyone’s life. He had done so much bad, and he had done so much good trying to make up for his ‘Merchant of death’ time, but that in the end turned out to cost even more civilian lives. So, maybe Tony just didn’t deserve to have anything nice, since he clearly only turned it bad. Captain freaking America couldn’t even love him, so what hope did he have left? If America’s golden boy couldn’t love him, then what did that say about him? If the man that was famous for being sweet and kind, would hold the murderer of his mom higher than his own boyfriend, then what did that say about the state of Tony Stark’s conscience?
Not even the bas of whatever rock song he had made it to on his playlist could drown it out. He just wanted it all to end.
He tried working harder and more focused. Drowning himself in too loud music and math and code. But it didn’t work. Because he didn’t have the hand that would make it all go away. That could make his mind go somewhere else. He didn’t have that anymore. Because he was not good enough.
All he could feel was round metal hitting his chest. Steve’s determined eyes drilling into his soul, unyielding and uncaring. He didn’t even care if he hit the reactor powering his suit leaving him immobile and without help. Steve walking away with his old friend under his arm, leaving an old one behind. Because that was all Tony apparently was to him. Something to fill the whole. And now Steve didn’t need him for that anymore, because he find something else, something much better. Throwing away the shield like it was nothing, like he was nothing.
Sometimes he wonders if Steve would have continued. The shield hitting soft flesh and going down to the bone. Not caring what he did to Tony. Sometimes he clawed away from the flashback with red marks on his chest. Tony couldn’t even bring himself to care anymore.
Because maybe Tony wasn’t even worthy of having his blood on Captain America’s hand.
——
Tony needed something to make his thoughts disappear.
“Shut everything down, I will come back to it tomorrow”
“Sure, thing Boss”
Tony tried not to wince. Jarvis, his AI Jarvis was dead. Joining all the others of Tony-Starks-protectors in the afterlife (even though Tony didn’t believe in that). He wouldn’t get his Jarvis back, but everyone expected him to be okay because apparently Jarvis wasn’t even real, only a machine. While to Tony he had been so much more. But no one understood that.
The bedroom was lacking something. There had always been a certain light to it before. Something that could shine when Tony was lost. But now he was lost, and it wasn’t and would never be there anymore. And Tony couldn’t even seem to care. He knew what or more like who was lacking. And for all Tony Stark could do, it was something he could never get back.
He wanted every remnant of Steve gone.
His clothes even still had a fragrance of the shampoo Steve always used.
And Tony wanted it all burned and buried. Every piece that was a reminder of something he couldn’t have anymore.
Piles of clothing lay all over the bedroom floor. Thrown away by a man that had been broken so many times he lost count.
He threw some khaki trousers that Steve looked absolutely ridiculous in but he still always wore because it reminded him of his old clothing, when a small black box came free.
Tony didn’t notice it at first, but the sound of rain hitting the floor brought his attention. And then he saw it.
It was a beautiful mix between blue and rec. Their two colors. Entwined with each other, like they would stay together forever.
And Tony cracked.
He could distantly hear Friday, but he couldn’t make out what she was saying for all the buzzing in his head. There was a raspy voice telling her to “mute”, and event that feat lead precious air out. Air that he couldn’t get in again.
He couldn’t move.
He couldn’t breathe.
All he could do was remember.
Remember the first kiss they ever shared. Rushed because they didn’t know if a shield agent was about to walk into the conference room. Steve hesitant and Tony wondering if Steve was going to survive having him as a boyfriend. All his good ol’ insecurities acting up. Always trying to make life harder for him. Their many dates and nights spend together. Many of the night spent in silence while they clung to each other’s company. Coffee dates where Steve tried Tony to eat at least a little slice of a bagel, before he had to go back to his engineering binge.
He remembered how it felt when Steve betrayed him. Telling him “he is my friend” like Tony meant nothing to him. Like everything they had together was meaningless. How it felt when Steve hit him with the shield over and over not stopping even when Tony held up his arms in defense. He couldn’t bring himself to take the shot, even when the shield was hitting his suits reactor, making a crack that he could feel in his skin.
He was done dealing with it all. He was tired. Tired of pretending like everything was fine. Like he doesn’t spend the nights waking up soaked in sweat. Like his heart hadn’t been shattered into a million pieces.
He just needed it all to end.
He didn’t even know where he got it from.
One moment he was lying on the ground still trying to get precious air into his lungs, the next he had found the cupboard where he kept a hidden gun in case of emergencies. After that all he had to do was pull the safety off and shoot.
He wondered why he shouldn’t do it. The media hated him. Steve hated him. The entire team hated him. His only everlasting friend was in the hospital because of him. So really why shouldn’t he?
For the first time in a long time, Tony had a real smile on his lips.