Karolina first threw up the silk the day Nico and Alex announced they had been dating. She had congratulated them through an empty smile, then moments later, unable to keep the feeling down, had excused herself to the bathroom.
Then came the hyacinth petals. In a stream of yellow and light saliva and she was overly aware of how long she was in, but that length became more real when Gert knocked and, before waiting for Karolina to make an excuse, opened the door, took in the yellow around the sink and the few on the floor then she took in her friends face from the mirror, seeing a sweaty forehead and bits of yellow sticking to her chin and strips around her lips.
"Karo.." Gert muttered, closing the door behind her, locking it, and then approaching her friend.
"I don't... I don't know what's wrong." Karolina had whispered weakly, and as her body shook with silent sobs, her friend gently sat her on the toilet seat as she picked up the petals on the floor and dropped them in the sink.
Gert gently soaked a couple folded squares of toilet roll before holding Karolina's jaw in her fingers, wiping the yellow away and upon tugging the skin slightly, Gert sees the yellow stained onto her teeth and petals in between.
"Gert? What's.. what's going on?" Karolina asks weakly.
The other slowly raises her hand to the blondes head and steps closer, holding her friends head to rest against her stomach and comb her fingers through her hair comforting. Karolina imagines how many times she's done this for Molly, so she clings to Gerts green military jacket and closes her eyes.
"You love her. You love her, and she doesn't love you and it's making you sick, Karo." Gert says simply, but slowly. "You can't cure this though. Only she can.. if she loves you back."
"Why couldn't I just be pregnant." Karolina struggles out, trying to be lighthearted but it just comes out bitter. Much like the petals.
In response Gert lets out a small snort, and doesn't stop the comforting comb in her hair.
"You should stay with me tonight, or have me over at yours. When.. your person is official with someone it's worse. You could choke. It's better to have someone with you, just in case." Gert whispers softly.
"How do you know so much about this?"
"Chase." Gert whispers. "Chase is my love, Karo. It was unrequited for quite some time." Karolina nods in understanding. "Go out and go straight to my car, it's just out front, and I'll apologise to the others for you and tell them your feeling poorly. I'll see if Molly will come back with us. Don't worry. I'll also clean this quickly." Gert takes the car keys out of her pocket and puts them in Karolinas shaking hand, pressing against Karolinas fingers to have them clasped in her hand.
-
It was always worse in the morning. She would wake with yellow everywhere in her room, her bed having left the duvet covers and sheets long ago due to the stains, petals lining her throat and her mouth.
It had to have been going on for a few months, by now, and Karolinas mother was worried.
She had left leaflets for operations on her daughters desk, which had been binned upon receiving, and she had left a pack of chewing gum next to her bag every day without fail.
It didn't work.
Karolina was exhausted of a half sleep due to fear of choking on the petals, that she had started hesitating on binning the leaflets her mother had left her.
-
"Yellow?" Chases voice says, above Karolinas curled body. "I had purple."
Karolina turns and gapes at her friend leaning against the stall frame.
"This is the girls toilets." Is all she says, Chase nods.
"I know. I had purple, and I remember for a while I hated seeing Gert because she is purple all over. Then she started becoming green." Chase hums.
"I hate yellow." Karolina states.
"I think I would've too."
"Purple seems like it'd be rough."
"It was." Chase nods. "You should stand and drink something. It clogs easier if you don't." He helps her up and hands her the water from beside her school stuff on the sink bunker.
"Gert said her love was unrequited." Karolina questions.
"That's all she knew. I didn't tell her about the purple, it's never as bad when you love someone who isn't dating, so it was easier to hide. I slept around and I did all the popular douche stuff which made hers awful." Chase hums as the girl drinks. He then puts his hand in his pocket and hands her some floss. "You'll need this from now on." Karolina pockets the floss and picks up her bag, groaning as she lets out a small cough, petals fluttering out, spotted with red.
"Reds a lot worse." Chase says, noticing the same thing. “Red was the worst one.”
-
God knows what she was thinking when she accepted the sleepover invitation from Nico.
Luckily Gert had her back when she came up and questioned Nico, having guilted the girl into inviting her and Molly along.
She was still freaking out.
But, it wasn't bad.
Correction, it wasn't bad until Molly asked Nico about her relationship and Karolina swallowed down the rising petals as the conversation kept going.
An hour or so later, she couldn't swallow anymore and coughed. She coughed up some slimy petals soaked in that something red and she quickly excused herself to the bathroom, and as she slammed the door behind her she heard Gerts urgent voice shouting No! at Nico and very soon her purple haired friend was locking the bathroom door as Karolinas stomach got rid of the petals and the red, and Gert gathered the hair to avoid the petals threading through.
Carnations and Marigolds and Rose petals erupted deep inside her and covered the bathroom along with blood and Karolina couldn't take it.
So she started crying.
"When did blood come too?" Gert asked, concern in her tone as she ran her nails along her friends scalp.
"A few days ago. It hurts. So much. Please make it stop. Gert, please, please, please." And she sounds helpless, and so so weak.
"I can't. I-I can't.. I don't know how to." Gert says just as helplessly. Karolina lets out a sob, and immediately regrets it as she lifts her hand and bites down to quiet herself.
"Everything okay?" The quiet voice of Nico asks through the door.
Which makes Karolinas heart start going and her stomach to churn and the petals, that were stitching themselves to her throat, were begging to come spilling out.
"Relax, relax." Gert whispers, then turns to the bathroom door. "Hey, Nico, do you mind if Karolina and I leave? She's not feeling too great and.. I think she would really benefit from being home."
"Of course. Of course." Nico hums.
"If Molly wants to stay and if your okay with that I'll pick her up tomorrow." Gert says. Nico makes a noise of agreement, then footsteps leave.
-
Tulips, acacias, scabiosas, marigolds, chrysanthemums and hyacinths.
It's routine, cleaning them and then her bedroom being stained with them all over again.
-
Karolina struggles to get out of bed because of the blood stained yellow petals, she struggled to brush them away in her teeth.
She gave up.
She choked on the petals in class, let the blood stick to her lips along with dots of yellow, and ditched the floss to the bottom of her bag.
She let the petals be braided into her hair, and stain her hands and arms and she was sure she had yellow veins now.
She let the leaflets pile on her desk and let her mother talk to her about the operations.
She wanted to get rid of the yellow.
-
"No!" Gert immediately shouts at her friend when Karolina tells Gert she has an appointment with the doctor to stop it. "You can't. Karo, you can't. You could die. You lose your love. You..you won't be you."
"I'm dying anyway, Gert. I can't.. I can't do this. I want to get rid of it."
"Please Karolina. Don't. Please don't."
"I have too."
"Have to what?" A new voice interrupts, seeing it to be Nico Karolina immediately smiles.
"Have to go to the doctors later." Karolina shrugs, as her friends lunch tray gets put down beside her.
"Why?" Nico asks, concern lacing her tone.
"I've been getting this bug occasionally, my moms worried so she made this appointment."
"Oh. Can.. can we hang out after?" Nico asks, hopefully. Karolina chokes on the saliva in her throat, and therefore the yellow from this morning, before shaking her head.
"Sorry." Karolina shrugs, looking past Gert
"Babe!"
This time she spits the orange dew into the water bottle on the table in front of her as Alex calls to Nico.
-
Her mother gives her a few days off school after the appointment, for her body to get used to to medication.
Medication to stop the feelings. Not the sickness, but the feelings.
Her mother said it was just an antidepressant, but by the first days night she feels empty and pins and needle-y and she can't stop the petals going everywhere.
Gert said it was a robotic pill.
She believed the latter.
She's got no control anymore, she feels like a ghost watching her body take her places and do things and she wants to scream when that body texts Nico and asks her to meet at Timely tomorrow morning and when Nico replies with a 'yes' her body reacts by shaking and coughing up yellow rose petals and even being out of her body she wants to scream at the sight of the colour.
-
"You don't look too good." Nico days, after a moment of silence and looking at her friend, Karolina shrugs as she goes through the inner turmoil of deciding whether to be lovesick or just sick.
"I'm fine, must be the medication the doctor gave me." Karolina whispers, staring at her hot chocolate.
"Oh." Nico whispers just as quietly and uncertain.
Karolina nods and puts one of her hands in her pocket, feeling the medication tub, the box of floss and something silky. Her hand quickly shoots out like the petal had burnt her and she runs her tongue along her lips, still tasting the blood and flowers.
"It's gone." Nico notices. "The blood."
"Yeah. I know. Still taste it though."
Nico nods.
"What about.. about the yellow?" She asks slowly, quietly. Karolina coughs and out comes the offending things, shrivelled. The doctor said that'd happen.
It should be dying, but she's so happy here with Nico.
Karolina refuses to look at her friend. She shakes her head and stands up, leaving the drink but not forgetting anything that'd give Nico an excuse to follow her.
-
She started dating Julie then.
Julie had orange growing from her stomach, watered by her heart, and Karolina met her at the Lovers against Flowers club her mother insisted she went to.
She stayed at Julie's house a lot, each of them holding the others hair as the petals came, after flushing their pills together.
It was tragically beautiful because Julie was everything. She was pretty and strong and Karolina thinks whoever Julie loves is making a mistake in not loving her. She carried a notepad and a book to read with her and she held Karolinas hand as she walked her to school, having being homeschooled instead. She gave her kisses on the cheek when they got to school and texted her horrible jokes throughout the day, and she wished her sweet dreams at night.
Karolina and Julie were officially dating, with the label and everything, but they both knew how they clearly didn't feel anything for the other because the yellow and orange just mixed and before they slept, whether together or not, their last conversation would always be one of them asking 'is it gone?' with the other replying 'no, you?' And the person who asked first would finish with 'no.'
And that'd be it. They'd kiss, and cuddle and hold each others hand, and they'd still ask how their day went.
Julie would wipe the blood and yellow stained lips, and Karolina would clean orange stained clothes
"Get your hand away from my fucking teeth." Julie mutters, before they leave her house to walk Karolina to school.
"You have some orange. What's wrong with my hand?" Karolina asks curiously.
"Just.. germs."
"Dude, my tongue has been in your mouth." Karolina points out, to which Julie huffs but stops fighting.
The petals slowed, at the replacement.
But Gert was right, it was always worst at night.
-
There were many scares. But after being in love with Nico for 7 months, 2 weeks and three days.. that night was the worst.
She woke up unable to breath. Her throat clawed apart by the flowers, infected by the spots that kept going in and she couldn't fight it, so she did the first thing she could think of. She picked up her phone, and called Gert, who picked up straight away, saying her name in a questioning tone.
In response Karolina kept coughing, trying to get rid of the offending things in her throat, she could sort of hear Gerts panicking and rushing and jangling of keys before she starts getting dizzy.
-
"Karo... hey, hey.." a soft voice lulls her awake, Gert she realises, she opens her eyes momentarily, but shuts them again and lets out a groan.
"Oh my god. Thank god." Julie whispers.
"Where 'm I?"
"My house. Your dad wanted to take you to the hospital, but your mom said that they'd just want to operate and she knew you weren't invested enough.. so my parents offered to take you in." Gert explains softly.
"'ow long been ou' for?"
"Just a few days. Everything's going okay though, the Yorkes' weren't worried or anything." Julie answers, Karolina nods.
"You really freaked me out there, Karo."
"I know. 'M sorry."
"Don't be. You saved your life doing it."
Karolina nods slightly.
"Can I be alone?" She asks after a moment, opening her eyes slightly. Gert and Julie look at each other before standing. Gert fondly takes a hold of her hand and squeezes and Julie kisses her forehead.
-
The Yorkes' allow her parents to take her home three days later.
Nico doesn't see her, or text her, but Karolina sees her post, on Instagram, a photo of her and Alex at a park and it makes her heart start to crumble, and the blood that comes out of it seems to be a great fertiliser.
Julie wraps her arm tightly around her girlfriends waist and holds her tight that night.
"You deserve so much love, Karolina, and I'm mad at myself for not loving you instead."
"In another lifetime, Ju." Karolina whispers.
"I think we should rid of the labels. Just.. be Karolina and Julie."
"This is the nicest breakup I've been through."
"Isn't this your first breakup?"
"Shut up."
Julie laughs and presses her forehead on Karolinas shoulder.
"Friends?"
"Best friends." Karolina confirms.
-
"I'm sorry about Julie." Nico whispers, turning in her seat to face Karolina.
"Oh. That's funny, I don't recall telling you." Karolina states bitterly.
"Oh.. I seen it on Facebook." Karolina nods at the revelation.
"Thank you, but I don't need your pity. Julie and I have decided to remain friends." Karolina says.
"Are you gonna finally stop killing yourself and make a move on the person you really want to be with?" Nico asks pointedly. Karolina finally looks up and raises a brow at Nico.
"I'm afraid if I do that, I will die." Karolina states. "There's something tragically beautiful about dying whilst choking on flowers than confessing my love."
Nico shakes her head.
"We're supposed to be friends, Lina, why're you being so cold?" Nico asks, the school bell goes.
"I gotta go."
"You don't have a class, you have a free period and I know that because we used to hang out during this period."
Karolina digs her nails into her hand annoyed.
"Let's hang out then."
-
It wasn't bad. Hanging out with Nico.
They got some food from the nearest supermarket, they hung out at a nearby park beneath a tree and in that moment Karolina felt the flowers shrivel and die slightly and she smiled at her friend.
Karolina eventually leans more of her weight into Nicos shoulder as they let out a laugh, and when it gets close to the next period Nicos looking at Karolina and shaking her head.
"Stay. Please, let's stay here for the rest of the day, please." Nico begs, hold Karolinas hand. It's that contact alone that sets the flower on fire and she smiles and nods and they stay together.
-
"Still mellow yellow?" Chase asks, somewhat lighthearted, where their conversations always come from, leaning against the stall frame.
"Fuck off, Chase." Karolina groans, head against the stall, sitting on her bag.
"Ooh, feisty." Chase grins, but steps closer. "Rumour has it that the two are having some issues," he informs. "You get a chance to go in for the kill." Karolina shakes her head.
"Chase, seriously, go away." Karolina mutters.
He puts a hand on her shoulder.
"I'm joking, obviously. I'm not joking about the rumours however. You got it all up?" He asks, signalling the few rose petals on the floor, she nods and takes his hand to stand up.
"You sure are a trooper, Karolina."
"What a difference this makes from you having a crush on me,"
Chase scoffs.
"I don't think I ever really liked you." Chase hums as she flushed the toilet and washes her hand. "You just were, and still are, pretty."
Karolina nods, opening the door and holding it for Chase to go out.
"Thanks. If only Nico thought that about me, at least."
Then chase mumbled something. And Karolina had to stop.
"What?"
"She thinks you're really pretty." He repeats, slightly louder, this time allowing her to hear over the buzzing in her ears.
"Oh." Karolina grins, starting to walk with a bounce in her step.
-
"What?" Karolina groans, answering her ringing phone, taking it away from her ear for a moment to notice the time as 3.23am.
"Lina.. I-I can't make it stop. I-I can't." Nicos voice comes out panicking. "P-Please."
Karolina makes a strangled noise, that should sound like be right over, hanging up. She slips shoes on, finds her parents' car keys and drives to Nicos house.
She manages to climb in to Nicos room through her open window and that's when she notices her friends room stained in pinks and purples, Nico sitting in the middle of it, knees to her chest and chin on them.
She hates seeing Nico like this. Weak.
Because Nico is anything but weak, she's strong and scary and pretty.
Not this girl being swallowed up by colour, looking paler than ever and shaking.
"Oh my god." Karolina whispers, getting Nicos attention. Nico looks up at Karolina and all the blonde sees is broken.
"I don't.. it came out of nowhere. We broke up and then this shit storm occurred."
Karolinas heart sank at this. "Do you love him?"
"Yes." Nico groans. Then shakes her head urgently. "Not like that! Not in love. As a brother, yes, as a friend, sure. But not like how we were."
Karolina nods. Sinking to her feet to gather some of the dry petals.
"I.. It's me, isn't it? The yellow?" Nico asks, watching Karolina clean up the petals that scraped her throat. Karolina ignores this statement until the girl has proof. "It'd explain why you always were worse when he was around, and the sleepover, why Gert yelled at me for trying to follow, why you stopped hanging around with us at school.."
Karolina shrugs in response.
"Karolina, look at me."
Karolina looks at Nico and makes eye contact.
"This started when you started dating Julie." Nico states, softly, almost as if admitting it took a weight off of her shoulders.
Karolina gapes at Nico and immediately acts on it, throwing herself towards her and putting their faces close, a small smile playing on her lips as Nico lets herself lie down, gently dragging Karolina to hover.
"Obviously you're a top." Nico smirks.
"I'm in love with you." Karolina blurts, causing Nico to break out into a smile and press her lips against the blondes.
-
It took a little less than a week for the petals to completely stop.
Karolina didn't mind because now it was Nico holding her hair and rubbing her back and kissing away the bitter taste.
-
When she texts Julie that she got Nico, Julie texts back a smiley face, an exclamation point and two kisses. Then straight after an invite to meet at Timely coffee to catch up at some point. Which was extended to Nico.
Karolina showed her girlfriend the text, uncertain on what to expect, but when she takes the blondes phone and texts back an agreeing message, signing off with her name, then getting into a conversation in working a time to meet.
Karolina was happy.
-
"Thought you didn't like PDA?" Karolina hums against Nicos cheek.
"You do." Nico shrugs, then grins at Karolina. "You're also far too beautiful, and I want the school to know you're mine. I don't trust any of the assholes in this place."
Karolina smirks as she kisses Nico shortly and tucks her own blonde hair behind her ear.
"I don't think anyone's going to be going after me after you planted these on me." Karolina brings their intertwined hands to her neck, letting Nicos brush the bruises as the other gets a smug look on her face. "I don't want anyone else. You're it for me."
Nico lets a lazy smile go on her face and nods.
"And you for me, Lina."