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♦ Topic: [16F] How do I know if I have a crush on another girl???

In: Boards ► General ► Advice ► Romance

(Showing page 14 of 32)

►Rainbeaux

This is the gayest thing I've ever seen

►Miss Mercury (Protectorate Employee) 

Oh my gosh, this is so cute

►TheUsefulLesbian

Excuse me, sir, yes, this is the lesbian. Yes, she is useless.

► ScreenTransition (Verified Knight Who Says Ni)

Yep, you gay as all hell, own it!

► UsefulQuirks

You’re like a little baby gay, this is amazing. Maybe you could talk to family on it? Assuming they aren’t homophobic assholes

► MikoMikoMe!

D’ya like guys? Or d’ya like things normally found in guys? Tall, Dark and Handsome is a trope for a reason~ Or maybe y’are a guy and just don’t know it yet, iffen yer hell bent on being one o’ them heterosexamuals.

►FlyingHighOnYou

OP you're gay

Also if she was in a suit then she's gay

►ThespianLesbian

Honey, we've all been there. Tell her how you feel.

► Shining_One (Not A Fairy)

Weeby user name, fake hillbilly accent… what even is your brand, Miko?

► GrainSubsidiary (Unverified Tinker)

Have you tried kissing her? That usually clarifies things for me. Just go for it, what could possibly go wrong? :)

Edit: I was joking Jesus people - okay, to be clear @SpecificThrowAway you need to ask first. Being gay may come with doing crimes but consent is important.

► MikoMikoMe!

Stay on topic ya’ll. Which is SpecificThrowAway’s queer awakening. Awesome username btw you should think about making it your primary.

► FeatheredCogs

> I’ve always liked boys even if I’ve never found one that I liked. 

Hmmm, are you sure, Specific? Are you absolutely sure? Sounds pretty gay to me

►LifeIsAHighway

You're not dating her. What's the worst she could do if you ask her out? Not date you? You're already not dating.

►Space_Between_Us

This is the wholesome content that I signed up for.

►NarwhalPleaseMarryMe

If you're wondering if you're gay, then you're probably at least part gay. Straight people don't think they might be gay.

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There were so many responses. Pages of them. I was stuck in an endless scroll of going and tapping on the next page. But it was that last post on page 14 that got me. 

Was that true? It might not have been but… I took a deep breath. I spent virtually all of sunday reading and rereading the posts. And then taking online personality quizzes to figure out if they had any differing opinions.

When they didn’t, well, I kept digging around, trying to figure stuff out. For the first time in what felt like months, I even looked up naked pictures of boys, digging for ones that sparked… something. Anything like what I felt for Taylor. A lot of the pictures of girls did, but that- that was probably just me wanting to look like them. That was probably just- uh- envy. Not attraction.

Right?

I laid down on my bed, hand on phone on stomach as I stared at my ceiling. I had burned away my whole sunday and I wouldn’t say I made no progress. But I would say that my progress wasn’t what I had expected or necessarily wanted. It wasn’t that I had a problem with being gay but… but it was a whole change to my life and worldview. And to top it all off, my crush was probably the worst possible person to be a gay awakening.

Taylor Hebert.

I shut my eyes. Sure, there were worse people. There were worse people at our school. But there weren’t worse people for me. A homophobic girl would be unattainable and that would suck but it would be a closed off door. An impossibility. Taylor as also probably unattainable but that was for a different reason. It was because she hated me. I mean, nothing we’d done was that bad as far as I could tell. I mainly did little pranks that were funny but she took way too seriously. But…

But I could still remember the fear and distrust. The hate. Maybe things were worse because I wasn’t the only one? Or because it never ended. She probably had friends outside of school that she kept secret to support her- or her parents- but… maybe it was projecting now but I almost felt like I could remember her being happier and slowly being broken down.

I felt sick. The same butterflies as yesterday were venomous and toxic and dying and biting my stomach and making me want to throw up. What was I supposed to do? How did I stop having a crush? How did I even know if she was gay? The posts said if she was wearing a suit then she was gay but she had a really good explanation for why she did it, even if she never said why she couldn’t get her mom’s help getting a dress.

Unless she was lying? I mean, calling her a lesbian and making fun of her for it was among many of the contradictory jokes we told each other about or around her. Things like her having a girlfriend, her liking girls but nobody liking her, her being a slut, her being unwanted by the boys in school, her being too gross for any guy to touch her. It wasn’t that Emma, Sophia, or I were homophobic it was just… jokes. We joked about her being straight too. But…

But it made sense if she was gay. Then she wouldn’t want to tell me because why giving someone who bul- who makes mean jokes about you something so personal? It felt shitty now, because when I made the jokes it felt so unlikely that any would actually be true or hit home so hard. Even worse was that the more that I laid there, thinking about it, I didn’t even know the reason why. I had started doing it because Emma and Sophia were doing it. I shared a class with Taylor so I could do it more, taunt and tease and… and torture more. That had put me into their good books and we became best friends. I wouldn’t have that if it weren’t for Taylor.

But… But maybe I’d have a chance at having her. If I even was gay. I stared at the ceiling, my fairy lights like little stars that dimly lit my room. “I… I don’t know what to do,” I mumbled, feeling tears building in my eyes.

I wasn’t sure how I could keep doing stuff to Taylor with this lump in my throat and knot in my stomach. I wasn’t sure how I could shoot spitballs or make jokes about her after yesterday. But I also wasn’t sure how I could keep my friends if I didn’t. Emma and Sophia loved to scheme and harass Taylor. It was- like- their main hobby which was really weird now that I thought about it. But how was I supposed to be their friend if they did that? How did I watch Sophia shove Taylor against a wall while imagining Taylor shoving me against a wall in an entirely different way? What did I do while Emma made jokes that made Taylor cry while picturing myself holding her? How could I be friends with them while having a crush on her?

And worse still? What was I supposed to do to stop? If I told them to calm down or chill out, would they take that personally? Would I take Taylor’s place or join her? 

But wasn’t that the point of romance? Of love? To fight for the person you cared about? Edward beat up rapists that were trying to attack Bella. Emmet threw away his job for a nationally acclaimed lawyer to support Elle. Wasn’t I supposed to help the person I cared about? 

But… But it was just a crush. Maybe it even wasn’t, maybe I wasn’t even gay and this was all just a big mistake and me screwing up. Besides, none of those people were the hero’s friends. Guys always said “Bros before Hoes” and Emma and Sophia were my bros, shouldn’t they come before my hoe? Not that Emma and Sophia were boys or that Taylor was a hoe or mine but I’m pretty sure that’s how the saying works. But I… I had never felt this way and I wanted to do something about it. And so…

I did nothing. Come Monday, I did nothing. The same for Tuesday. And for Wednesday. I did nothing. It wasn't the worse thing I could do because doing nothing meant I didn't make any mean jokes or any teases or taunts. But… it also meant I didn't help any. I didn't want to lose my best friends but I also didn't want to hurt her anymore so instead of choosing or plotting, I just… did nothing. I wanted to be a hero, a knight in shining armor, I wanted to do something but… but I didn't want to risk everything. I didn't want to throw away the life I'd spent all of highschool cultivating. I wish I could say I was waiting for something specific or biding my time. Maybe I was hoping Sophia and Emma would give up after all these years. But they didn't.

And I was doing stuff, still, but I don't think anyone would count it. I was watching romcoms and romance movies and taking buzzfeed quizzes. I guess you could call that introspection and research but I think it'd be a stretch. During the week, I even tried to sneak small smiles to Taylor even though I looked away when she looked to me during when others continued their usual activities. 

I felt sick the whole time. 

But despite what a few people said online, I wasn't useless even if I might be a lesbian. Which was a possibility even if I might not be the truth. Maybe. Because by Friday, I had a plan. I just needed to find Taylor and get a chance to talk with her in private. Knowing where Taylor is wasn’t hard. Emma knew her schedule and by tagging along as part of the group that was mean to her, I also had a pretty good idea about it. But, that also meant between classes were out of the question. Lunch was a possibility, so was gym though I didn’t think I could get any alone time with her in that. So, at lunch time I started my search.

It didn’t go as planned. I had ducked out of a second bathroom- searching for where Taylor was hiding for lunch today- when I found a certain heartstopping redhead waiting outside, arms crossed and eyebrow raised as she tapped her foot.

“Emma!” I said, my heart hammering like I was concrete and it was a construction worker with those hammer-y pogo stick things, my breath stopping. She was so pretty and while I thought that was the typical reaction, the buzzfeed quizzes I’d taken the past week had me feeling a different way. Still, I acted like I always did, “Hi,” I said, giving an awkward, lips tight against teeth, my cheeks pink from my heart pulling a recursive supernova. Talking around Emma was hard, since the girl had a way of just magically summoning cotton in my mouth to make it go dry. 

Gosh, she was pretty. I thought that everyone thought that, though. She was an amateur model, in magazines and even occasionally posting ads of her with different products on social media. I wondered how much of me refreshing her profile was just normal girlish envy of the could-be supermodel and how much was… the other thing. If it was real. Not that I gave any clues to indicate anything, I was cool as a cucumber.

“Hi Mads,” She said and I felt my lips spread into a bigger smile at the nickname she gave me. “Let’s chat?” She took a step towards me so I nodded my head and swallowed to try to stop the dry mouth she causing.

That had to be a point towards me not being gay, right? Didn’t you drool when you were attracted to someone? Wasn’t that a thing? I followed her into the bathroom. Of the many women’s restrooms in Winslow, this one was a nicer one. It was inconvenient enough for most students to reach between classes or make their way to during lunch so it wasn’t dirtied from frequent use but not secluded enough for the students that snuck off to do drugs or have sex during school to risk using. 

“You wanted to talk?” I asked, following her in. Emma was dressed in a green blouse and white jeans. She looked over her shoulder at me, turning in the middle of the bathroom. She rolled her eyes.

“I just said that, Madison.”

“Oh… Yeah, yeah. You did. Sorry.” I said, reaching up to my short hair and pushing it back. I wanted to play with one of my hairclips. It was so rare for Emma and I to hang out without Sophia, the two were practically inseparable. But everytime the two of use were alone I would get so much more nervous for some reason.

Emma smiled and I felt warmth flood my veins, like a sip of hot coffee on a snowy day. “Is everything okay?”

I blinked, confused but feeling warm all over. She was worried? Of course she was, we were friends. Best friends. Well, maybe not as best as her and Sophia but still! “Oh. Oh, oh, uh, yeah. I- I just…” Am having a gay crisis. “I’m just dealing with some personal stuff.”

“Do you need to talk about it?” Emma asked and I shook my head, brushing my hair back before grabbing my hand and holding them together.

“Oh? N-No. No, I’m okay.” I replied before a thought struck my mind. It would make a good phase two for later but-

Emma had a furrowed brow and her perfect, nude-painted lips were drawn into a line as she looked at me. “You know that if anything happens, you can tell me, right?”

I nodded my head, “Everything’s okay. Promise. Nothing weird going on here just- uh- just dealing with some… like figuring some stuff out.” Emma lifted an eyebrow and I realized that was a big hint, “Like- not like anything weird. Like, my sister is dealing with some stuff and so I’m trying to help her deal with it.”

“Is there something I could do? I know a bit about boy stuff, more than you, probably.”

I opened my mouth and shook my head, “Uh, no? You haven’t dated anyone either.”

Emma rolled her eyes, “I have at parties,” I shook my head and she made a face, mouth open slightly. “What?”

“Drunk kisses don’t count. Anyone can kiss drunk it’s- like- it’s not hard or anything plus people settle.”

“Settle?” Emma asked, a little mocking in her voice and I nodded my head quickly.

“Like beer goggles. But beer lipstick.”

Emma rolled her eyes, “Whatever…” She paused, sighing and turning to look towards the door before she squinted, thinking, then added, “By the way. I’ve heard you haven’t been doing anything to Taylor lately?” She heard that? Who was paying attention to me? Or did she notice and not want to say that she was the one keeping an eye on me? I shook my head.

“Y-Yeah. I’ve just been a little…” I glanced back at her, her lifted orange eyebrow and green eyes that looked at me with a mix of intrigue and concern. I felt my heart stop and start again. “-Distracted.” I said before I looked away. 

 “Oh, uh, have you been invited to the party next weekend? At that rich guy from Arcadia’s?” Emma asked. “I don’t know if you know anyone at Arcadia, do you?”

I blinked and shook my head, then made a so-so gesture with my hand. “I know some people but I haven’t heard of any parties. Who’s throwing it?”

“Dean… Statsman or something. He’s kinda hot but insanely loaded and is housesitting for his parents. You can come with me. I’ll pick you up.” Emma offered. She’d gotten her license- finally- a few weeks back and wanted every excuse to show off her new Jeep.

“Next saturday?”

“Yup. It’ll be fun, trust me.” She grinned and I just nodded- rapidly- at the thought of it. “Awesome! I’ll see you then.”

Phase two could be now, I guess. “I-Um. This is kind of unrelated but I have a question?”

“Okay. Before that, though, everything’s fine? No weird stuff at home, no boys or girls messing with you?” I shook my head, my hair swinging a little with the motion and her face softened a little. “Okay. What’s your question?”

“It’s- I was thinking that maybe we should calm down? Like with Taylor.” Emma’s face hardened, a little. That mask of stern annoyance that came whenever Taylor became the topic of conversation. “Like, uh, maybe we should chill things out? Stop messing with her so much.”

Emma smiled and took a step towards me, hand reaching out to cup my cheek. I felt my breath stop. My heart deafening in my ears as my hands got all clammy. “Oh, Madison.” Emma said, her voice gentle and making me melt, “I don’t keep you around to think,” her hand sliding up from my cheek to rest on my head. She was a few inches taller than me. “I keep you around because you’re cute and persistent and dedicated. Don’t go changing on me, okay?” She asked moving her hand down to tap my nose as she let her hand fall. “I just need you to be cute, not to be smart.”

I opened my mouth and a squeak came out. She’d touched me and she said I was cute. Me! She said I was cute. Oh my gosh. I nodded my head a few times, quickly, and grinned as she smiled back. She reached up and patted my cheek, “Good girl.”

My knees were jelly and I’m sure the slightest movement would send me plummeting to the floor and turning to a pile of goop. Emma grinned again, a slight laugh coming out as she put a hand on my shoulder. “Good chat. Keep an eye out for me, ‘kay?”

I nodded my head, my mouth feeling dry and too wet at the same time as she walked past me and opened the door. I opened my mouth, my voice hard to find and words harder but I managed to speak anyways. “To-To make it worse.”

She paused, letting the door swing shut as she turned and looked back at me, a raised eyebrow and piqued interest. “Hm?”

“We lay off to let her think things are cooling down, th-then we… we can uh, lower her guard,” Emma smiled at my idea. I smiled back, a little soundless breath of a laugh coming out at seeing her look pleased.

“That… isn’t a bad idea. Maybe you’re smart and cute, actually.” Emma left after saying that and I finally breathed, moving over to the sink and looking at my reflection. I stared at my reflection, seeing my face pink and my nose and ears were red. Was I like this every time I talked to Emma alone? Was this what I looked like when I talked to her around other people? I stared at my reflection and braced my elbows on the sink.

Now that Emma was gone, I could finally start thinking. I could let my brain reboot and cool off without her driving up the temperature in my head. I… I’d done something. I’d managed to do something. I bought Taylor some time, staved off Emma thinking I was going soft. Maybe- Maybe I could do something in the mean time. Become Taylor’s friend? Maybe in secret, so that Emma didn’t know. Or maybe I could tell Emma and let her think I was going to betray Taylor. Would I? If Emma batted her eyes and asked me?

Emma was so ridiculously pretty.

I shut my eyes, going to throw open a stall and sit on the toilet- head in my hands- as I felt myself shaking. Did I have a crush on Emma now? Was I actually gay? How long had I been like that? I didn’t feel like I was acting any different than normal but was that even normal to begin with? I felt my wrist get wet before I realized that it came from my eye, a few more tears leaking out. I needed help. I dug my phone back out and rubbed at my eyes, sniffing to stop the my wet eyes from leaking before they ruined my makeup.

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♦ Topic: [16F] How do I know if I have a crush on another girl???

In: Boards ► General ► Advice ► Romance

(Showing page 47 of 47)

SpecificThrowaway (Original Poster) 

Hi everyone. Just giving an update on some stuff and I really need some more help. So I took some quizzes and read some stuff on the internet and I think you all might be right. I may be gay but IDK. I’m still figuring it out i guess?

Anyways, there’s another girl that I’m friends with that’s really pretty. She is like probably one of the most beautiful people ive ever seen and she’s so pretty. Like I can’t stop staring at her whenever she’s around. IDK what to do though because I’m pretty sure she’s straight since she talks about cute boys and stuff.. 

But gosh she’s pretty and I can’t stop staring at her. We hung out alone today and I felt like i couldn’t breath or stop blushing. Does that mean I’m gay? We’re going to a party soon and she wants to drive us but I could take us instead? IDK how much she’s going to drink or if I will. What if I do something dumb?

Also she HATES the girl that my first post was about and has kind of been really mean to her since we started high school. IDK what to do about that. Should I do something? I don’t want to lose my cute best friend but I also dont want to see the girl I have a crush on get hurt. I might have a crush on both???? IDK what to do could I please have some advice?  

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