A month ago, Steve had woken up to a new world. A new century. A new city. The last part wasn’t really true, except it was. New York wasn’t the same anymore, not how Steve remembered it. It was big and loud and busy.
A month ago, Steve had woken up to a new world.
Two weeks ago, he had fought Aliens.
One week ago, he had moved into the Stark Tower with the rest of the Avengers. It didn’t feel like home, but then again, he didn’t have a home anymore, did he?
I guess, this will just have to do.
And it wasn’t like he wasn’t adjusting. He was. Slowly, excruciatingly so, but that was alright. He was alright.
He had gotten to know the Avengers a little bit better during the last week.
Steve knew that Clint was not a morning person, that he needed five cups of coffee in the morning to be operational, and that he had sweet tooth.
Steve knew that Natasha didn’t like spiders (even Steve saw the irony in that), that she loved historical novels and that her favorite movie was Star Wars.
Steve knew that Bruce was vegetarian, that he drank herbal teas, and was allergic to almonds.
Steve knew that Tony slept too little and drank too much, that he was a good cook, and that he treated his robots and JARVIS more like people than actual people.
There were a few things Steve had discovered about the 21st century that let him think that maybe this wasn’t so bad after all. Like the music, for example. Steve had developed a love for rock music, much to Tony’s delight. Or the food; Steve had had his first pizza a few days ago and immediately fallen in love. There were other things too. This century, the people that lived in it, they were more open – minded, more diverse, more direct. And then there was the internet of course. The internet, Steve had learned very quickly, was a dangerous place if you didn’t know your way around but it was also incredibly helpful and by now Steve was more or less capable of using a computer without asking for help and the first thing he had done was to look up his old friends. They were still alive. Most of them were still alive. Old and scattered across the planet, with wives and children and grandchildren, and Steve had cried. Now that is return had been made official, he was allowed to do as he pleased and he could just reach out to them, but for some reason he didn’t. Wasn’t sure if he should. If he even wanted to. They were his friends. Had been his friends. For them, Steve had died 70 years ago. They had moved on.
“Captain Rogers, sir, mister Barton asks if you would like to join him for lunch.”
“I’ll be right down, JARVIS.” Steve answered and laid down the book he had been reading. JARVIS was another thing he had learned to appreciate after getting over his initial shock.
On the common floor, Steve got out of the elevator and walked towards the kitchen where Clint was making sandwiches.
“Hey Cap.” the archer greeted him with a wide smile.
“Barton.”, Steve nodded, “How are you?”
“I’m good, thanks. I actually have a date later.”
“That’s nice.” he cringed at his own awkwardness. It wasn’t that he had ever had a problem talking to people, he hadn’t, but it almost felt like the years under the ice had somehow stripped him from his social skills. “Who is she?” he asked in an attempt to overcome the silence and frowned when he saw Clint blush.
“Er, actually,” he started, struggling with the words, “It’s a he.”
Oh
“Oh” Steve stilled. He hadn’t been expecting that. At all. Of course he knew that things were different now, that homosexuality was legal and generally accepted but…the mere thought still filled him with anxiety, made his palms sweat and his heart beat faster. “Oh. Okay. Who is he, then?”
“Name’s Mark. He’s a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent…” Clint was still not meeting his eyes, “Is that a problem?”
“No, Clint,” Steve answered honestly, “I’m simply not used to speaking of those things openly.”
“Yeah…I guess you wouldn’t be.”
They sat side by side at the table, neither quiet knowing what to say and Steve inwardly kicked himself. There was so much he still didn’t know. So much he still had to learn, and –
The awkward silence was interrupted by the sound of the elevator opening and a loud voice exclaiming, “-uck’s sake, Tony! I don’t want your goddam money, I want you to come to DC with me to visit her!”
“No can do, Buckaroo. I’m busy.” Tony answered and a second later two men entered the kitchen and Steve nearly choked on his sandwich. That was – it was –
“James?”
Both newcomers stopped short, staring at Steve but Steve only had eyes for the young man that stood a few steps behind Tony. It wasn’t James. And yet…it was. This man was leaner than James had been. His hair longer, framing his face. And his eyes…his eyes were blue where James had had brown eyes.
“You okay, Cap? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Clint said, shaking Steve out of his shock.
“I – er – I –“ he stuttered, still not able to look away from the man who was looking back at him, his eyes wide, “Holy shit” he muttered, “You’re – you’re Steve Rogers.”
“I am.”
“Bucky.” he introduced himself, “Bucky Barnes.”
Oh.
“Barnes,” Steve repeated, “As in –“ he couldn’t say it. He couldn’t.
“James Barnes was my granddad.” Bucky nodded, “He died a few years ago, I’m – I’m sorry.”
Yes, Steve had known as much. Had known that James was dead but…he hadn’t been prepared for this.
“Well, this is awkward.” Tony’s voice broke the spell that had fallen over the kitchen, “I just came up here to get something to eat and I’m honestly feeling so uncomfortable right now.”
Steve frowned. He should be used to the billionaire’s brash personality by now, to the insensitive comments and the teasing. It was just that sometimes, it still caught him off guard.
“I’m sorry, but…what is going on?” Clint asked, looking from Steve to Tony to Bucky and back to Steve, and suddenly there were three pairs of eyes on his, waiting for his answer. Steve cleared his throat, “James – James Barnes was by best friend. My brother. We grew up together. We served together.” Steve explained, trying to keep his voice steady.
“I’m his grandson,” Bucky added, “James Buchanan Barnes at your service.” he cracked a faint smile at Steve and slowly came closer, “Granddad always told us stories. About you. About the war. Never shut about it.”
“Sounds like James,” It really did. James had always been very talkative, had always loved stories. Whenever Steve had been sick, James had sat beside his bed and told him of faraway lands with dragons and knights and magic.
“Right. Sorry to break this up but, I gotta go back to the lab and you, Barnes, tell Peggy that I’m sorry but I can’t make it.”
“Hang on, Peggy?” Steve asked, turning towards Tony.
“And again: awkward." Tony muttered but didn’t elaborate any further. Instead he simply walked out.
“She’s your aunt too, y’know!” Bucky yelled after him before letting out a sigh and pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers, “’m sorry. Er – do you mind if I –“ he gestured towards one of the chairs and Steve nodded, “I can’t imagine how you feel,” the young man started after sitting down, “I mean…you practically just lost everything and everyone and – seeing me probably isn’t helping.”
“It’s okay. I knew James was dead, I just…” Steve trailed off, thinking back to his friend, “He was like the big brother I never had. After my ma died, his parents, your grandparents took me in. He always looked out for me. Made sure I had enough food. Made sure I didn’t get into too many fights,” he smiled at the memory, “You look a lot like him. But not the eyes.”
“My mum’s eyes,” Bucky muttered, a blush creeping up his cheeks. “Grandma and granddad met after the war. They had a good life.”
“Good. That’s good.”
“Me and my sis, Becca, we were practically raised by the Commandos, y’know. They all used to live around here until a few years ago. Peggy too. They all kept in touch, had dinner and birthday parties together. Most of ‘em have kids. Some even grandkids. ‘t was like having one giant family.” Bucky chuckled.
“What about Tony?” Steve asked curiously. He had tried once to speak to Tony about his family but had been shut down very quickly.
“Yeah…him too. Er…I’m not sure if I should be telling you this.”
“Nothing personal, just…Howard was my friend too.”
“Yeah…well…” there was something in Bucky’s eyes that made Steve frown, something dark, “Tony was partially raised by Peggy. Do you – ehm – do you know that she –“, he hesitated but Steve was already nodding, “I know that she lives in a retirement home,” he explained, “I’ve been thinking of visiting her but…”, I’m not sure I can.
“I get that.” Bucky said. He was chewing on his lower lip, something James had always done when he had been nervous, “You could – I mean – I could take you. If you’d like.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure. Peggy’s like family and…well…she’s doing okay, y’know, but…”
“Wait…isn’t it her birthday soon?” Steve suddenly realized.
“It is, actually. 90th.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah…”
“I guess you’re an old man now,” Steve jumped at Clint’s voice. He had totally forgotten that there was someone else in the room, too caught up in his own feelings and memories. Bucky snorted out a laugh and got up, “I have to go but…here’s my number. Call me or text me or whatever, if you need something or if you wanna visit Peggy.”
“Thank you, Bucky. It was nice meeting you.”
“Same.”
And with one last smile that looked nothing like James’ but at the same time too much like him, Bucky left.
It took Steve exactly three days to make the decision to take Bucky up on his offer and then another two to actually work up the courage to do it. He wasn’t even sure what he was so nervous about.
Bucky was James’ grandson, if Steve hadn’t crashed the plane into the ocean, Bucky would be calling him ‘uncle Steve’ now and – that was kind of the problem, Steve realized as he sat opposite to Bucky in a small coffee shop in Brooklyn.
Bucky was James’ grandson, yes, but Bucky was nothing like his grandfather. James had been loud and obnoxious, always stepping out with dames, always drinking and smoking. He had been a great friend. A good friend. (And also Steve’s only friend). But he hadn’t been like…this. Like Bucky.
Bucky was quieter. Calmer. He had the same bright, charming smile as his grandfather had had but he didn’t show it as often. Bucky was also, as Steve noticed very quickly, much smarter than James.
“I’m doing my masters in engineering.” Bucky told him, “Tony actually offered me a job once I’m finished with college.”
“That’s impressive. I know that Tony only takes the best.”
“That’s true,” Bucky agreed, “But I’m not sure if I really want to work with Tony Stark every day.”
Steve snorted into his coffee, “He’s not that bad,” he said, earning himself a disbelieving look from Bucky, “Okay, maybe he is. But he’s a good man.”
“I know.”
And he probably did. Steve still remembered that first disastrous meeting with Tony, the things he had said to him…how Tony had almost died afterwards.
Talking to Bucky was nice. Easy, in a way that Steve had forgotten was possible.
“Tell me about your family."
“Just me, my sister Becca, and my mum,” Bucky grinned, “Becca’s older ’n me, five years. Huge pain in the ass. Always pesters me about relationships and jobs and how I don’t have enough friends and don’t go out enough. Her favorite hobby is to set me up on blind dates. I hate her guts but I would die for her.”
“Reminds me of James,” Steve commented with a grin.
“Really? He did that?”
“Constantly. Always dragged me on double dates an ended up with two dames while I went home alone.”
“Oh my god.” Bucky exclaimed, “Why?”
“I wasn’t always this big,” Steve replied with a shrug.
“Yeah I know. I’ve seen pictures. Granddad had a pile of ‘em. Of you two together, before the war and…I mean, sure you weren’t big but you were still plenty handsome.” Bucky’s voice was causal and Steve had nearly missed the meaning behind his words but when he did, he could start his face growing hot, at least I’m not choking on my drink, this time, he though and looked up. Wrong decision. Bucky was sitting there, smirking, his eyes glowing with mischief.
“Somethin’ wrong, Cap?” he asked innocently, “You’re all red.”
“Fuck you, Barnes.” he shot back without even thinking about it and then Bucky was laughing, his head thrown back, his eyes closed, and Steve couldn’t help himself. He laughed right with him.
From then on, it kind of became a routine for them to meet up at the coffee shop every other day. Bucky would tell him about college, or complain about his sister, or obsess about the newest movies and TV shows. Steve, in return, told stories from his childhood, from the war, from evenings with the Avengers; he asked questions about pop culture, and history, and science; and together they would have passionate discussions about politics, technology, or the taste of bananas.
Steve couldn’t have said what it was about Bucky that made him different except that maybe for the way Bucky treated him different. Different from anyone else.
The Avengers constantly teased Steve about anything and everything; made comments and jokes about his ‘old age’ and his ‘virginity’ and his ‘Captain America Attitude’.
The media saw him as nothing but a symbol, maybe an exciting fossil that could walk and talk, but certainly not as a person.
And then there was Bucky. Bucky who told jokes without being afraid to offend Steve’s ‘traditional values’. Bucky who tough Steve to use his phone properly without making him feel stupid. Bucky who called him out on his mistakes. Bucky who threw insults and swearwords at him like they were going out of style. Bucky who outright flirted with him. Bucky who treated him like the 26 – year – old he was. Bucky who saw him as Steve Rogers.
“I don’t buy it,” Bucky said after Steve had finished a story that had involved the Howling Commandos in France, an unhealthy amount of seafood and an army of prostitutes.
“You saying I’m lying?” Steve asked, raising a challenging eyebrow at his friend.
“I’m saying you’re full of shit, Rogers.” Bucky retorted with a radiant grin. Steve opened his mouth to reply something, when Bucky’s phone started ringing, “S’cuse me.” he muttered, “What’s up, bitch?” he asked, phone pressed to his ear and an affectionate smile on his lips, before he rolled his eyes in exasperation, “No actually. I’m with a friend.” he replied, “Er – I do too…Fuck you, Becca. His name is Steve and he’s nice.” Steve raised his eyebrows at the brunette who just shook his head in amused disbelief. His eyes grew wide, “Oh my god! Why am I even talking to you?” he exclaimed, “I hate you.” There was no heat behind his words and Steve found himself chuckling at the conversation, “Sure. 7 – ish?” he asked the pulled a face and told his sister to, “Piss off.” before ending the call. “Sorry about that.”
“Don’t apologize.” It was kinda cute…Yeah, no, that was a line of thought he’d rather not pursue right now. Or ever. Steve watched as Bucky once again began chewing at his lips but he knew better than to ask, and sure enough Bucky started to carefully voice his thoughts, “This might sound real weird but…d’ya maybe wanna come to dinner tomorrow? My ma’s making apple pie.”
Steve blinked, slightly taken aback, “I – uhm…”
“Too weird?”
“No. No, it’s not – it’s –“ Steve wasn’t actually sure what it was…”You sure? I don’t want to intrude or anything.”
“You wouldn’t be. I mean…if things had been different…you’d be family anyway, y’know.”
Oh, I know.
“Yeah…you’re probably right.
And that’s how Steve ended up in the Barnes’ household the next evening at 7 p.m. ridiculously nervous and pleasantly giddy.
“You came.” Bucky sounded almost out of breath as he stood in the door and started at Steve with wide eyes.
“I did.”
“Who is it, Bucky?” a female voice from inside the house called and Bucky seemed to be pulled out of his thoughts.
“Right – right, sorry. Come in.” he stepped back and Steve entered the house.
“Bucky?” the woman, who Steve was pretty sure was Bucky’s mother, asked again but before Bucky could answer another woman appeared at the end of the hallway, a little older than Bucky with the same dark, smooth hair and the same blue eyes, “Oh my – is that -?” she started but instead of finishing she walked up to Bucky and slapped him on the arm.
“Ouch! What was that for?”
“What the fuck, Barnes? Why didn’t you tell us you’d bring Captain America?” Becca hissed
“His name is Steve, you stupid goose.”, Bucky snapped back and Steve got the feeling that this could escalate very quickly so he tried to intervene, “It’s fine, Buck.”
“You hear that? It’s fine, Buck.” and the way Becca emphasized the last word, plus the deep blush on Bucky’s face, Steve knew he had probably just made things worse.
“Is anyone gonna answer my – oh.” an elderly lady with long, white hair had joined them, her eyes going wide at the sight of Steve, “My dear…I apologize but…dad told me so much about you, I almost feel like I know you.” She smiled brightly at him and Steve couldn’t help but return that smile.
“Mrs. Barnes.”
“No, please! Call me Hannah.”
“I’m sorry if I’m intruding your family dinner.” Steve muttered, feeling a bit overwhelmed by the emotions in Hannah’s eyes.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Steve. I just wish Bucky would have told us you’d come, so I could have cleaned the place up.”
“I really don’t mind.”
“We gonna stand in the hallway all night or are we moving?” Bucky suddenly cut in and, indeed, they were still standing in the narrow corridor.
“You’re right. Come in, come in. Do you want to drink something? Beer?”
“I –“
“Beer sounds good. Gimme a hand?”
Steve followed Bucky into the kitchen, his eyes roaming over the walls, taking in the photographs. There was James, young and handsome, smiling at the camera his arms slung around a woman's waist. James and the rest of the Commandos sitting in a garden, smoking and drinking. A baby, who Steve supposed was Bucky, in the arms of a young girl. Becca as a teenager, eating ice cream. Becca on the back of a horse. Bucky dressed up as Batman. Bucky and a group of friends all dressed in suits and fancy dressed. James, Hannah, Becca and Bucky all posing for a family photo.
“I’m sorry for this,” Bucky whispered and Steve had to blink a few times, trying to remember what the brunette could possibly be apologizing for.
“Don’t be. I think it’s sweet.” he answered eventually when he remembered.
“Seriously? I could totally understand if you don’t want to stay. I mean…don’t get me wrong, their great but…they can be a bit overbearing.”
“It’s fine Bucky. I…I think this might actually be good for me.”
“Okay.” and despite Bucky words only seconds ago, he seemed relieved that Steve wanted to stay. It wasn’t a lie though. Being around Bucky made Steve feel…normal. Normal in a way that nothing else did at the moment and he had the feeling that his mum and sister would be the same. He liked the Avengers but that was different. This was…this was something that could feel like home.
Dinner with the Barnes’ was…something else.
Steve had spent many a night with James and his parents; they had been like a second family for him and it had always been domestic, filled with conversation and laugher but it hadn’t been nearly enough to prepare him for this.
“I don’t have to call you uncle Steve, do I?” Becca asked after some light small talk and Steve nearly spew out the beer, “God, no. Please don’t.”
“Good. ‘Cause that’d be so wrong on so many levels. Jesus, I can’t believe I’m actually older than you.” she giggled at the thought and Steve had to agree; it was a strange thought. “Oh wait…are you the Steve that Bucky spent all his time with lately?”
Steve glanced over at the brunette who pointedly stared at his plate, a light blush on his cheeks.
“Er…yeah, that’d be me.” Steve answered.
“Well…you are hot then.”
Steve nearly spewed out the beer.
“Becca!” Bucky cried out, “I didn’t say that. She said it.”
“You didn’t deny it though,” the older woman replied with a sly grin.
“Oh my – why are you such a horrible person?”
“Takes one to know one.” she winked at her brother who did his best to scowl at her while aggressively chewing his potatoes and Hannah let out a deep sigh, “One day you will manage to be in the same room without ripping each other’s throats out.”
“Over my dead body.” Bucky grumbled, the same time as Becca let out a snort and said, “Unlikely”
It was so ridiculous and, in a way, so familiar that Steve couldn’t help it. He laughed.
“Back to the point, though, “ Becca talked over Steve’s laugher, “You’re hot.”
“You have a boyfriend, Becca.” Bucky groaned.
“Fiancé, actually.”
“What?!” Bucky sputtered while Hannah let out a shriek, “When did that happen?”
“Oh, didn’t I tell you? Tom proposed to me on Wednesday.”
And with that, Steve’s hotness was forgotten and Becca was compelled to tell the story.
This could be home…
For some reason, Steve had insisted on walking Bucky home. It was already late but he didn’t quiet feel ready yet for the evening to end, and apparently neither did Bucky.
“You wanna come upstairs for a bit?” the other man asked, pointing at the house they stopped in front of. This was it. This was a Decision. One of those moments in life where you could go either left or right and it was Important.
I shouldn’t, he thought, I really shouldn’t.
“I’d love to,” he answered.
Oh well, at least it’s worth to see Bucky smile that. And indeed, Bucky was glowing.
The apartment itself was small but cozy and reminded Steve a bit of the place he had lived in before the war; minus the leaky pipes and the windows that wouldn’t quite close. It was nice.
“Mi casa et su casa, and all that.” Bucky declared and went straight for the fridge, “You want another beer? Or I could make tea or coffee, if you like.”
“Beer’s fine,” Steve replied, his attention mostly fixed on the bookshelf at the wall.
“Can you even get drunk? I remember granddad saying that you couldn’t”
“ I can’t,” Steve answered and accepted the beer, “I still like the taste of it, though.”
“Huh…good for you then, I suppose.” Bucky took a sip of his own bottle, “So…what’d ya think?”
“I think James was a very lucky man.” Steve answered honestly. It made him feel better, knowing that his best friend actually had lived a good life surrounded by good people.
“He was very good granddad. Especially since dad wasn't really in the picture”
“He had loads of practice with me.” Steve chuckled, remembering how it had been, how James had always looked out for him, always protected him, always chided hm for being stupid or reckless.
“Ahh, that’s right. What did he always say? Steve Rogers, a cannonball of rage and righteousness.”
“Well…he wasn’t wrong.”
They both giggled and even though Steve couldn’t feel the alcohol he felt drunk. Lightheaded. Free. It was a nice feeling. His eyes fell on Bucky who was half sitting, half lying on the couch, his head leaned back, hair framing his face. He was beautiful. Steve swallowed around a dry throat and sipped at his beer, trying wrap his head around his own thoughts. He had always known that there was…something…he had stared at Sybille Jones just as much as at Richard Simmons; had always tried ignore those thoughts but no matter what he had done, they had stayed and now…Steve ran his fingers through his hair, suppressing a sigh and found Bucky watching him, “You okay?”
“Sure.” Steve answered, averting his eyes but Bucky was still watching, his eyebrows raised, “Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?” the younger questioned.
“Like you can see what I’m thinking.”
“I can’t see what you’re think but I can see that you’re lying. You’re a horrible liar, Steve.” Steve let out a snort, don’t I know it, “So? You wanna tell me what’s wrong?”
The blond raised his head and considered Bucky for a long, long moment and Bucky let him, meeting his gaze with incredible softness and Steve…Steve wanted to. He really did. He wanted to trust this man, wanted to lay out all his secrets, wanted Bucky to truly know him.
“I’m not sure I can,” he whispered, unsure if it was an answer to Bucky or to himself.
“You don’t have to, just…I’m here if you wanna talk.” And Steve believed him. He really did. It had only been two weeks that he knew Bucky but within those two weeks he had become Steve’s best friend. It was easy. Uncomplicated. Effortless.
They settled into a comfortable silence and despite the heaviness of their earlier words, Steve felt relaxed and safe.
Steve had slept on Bucky’s couch that night and after, what Steve could only describe as the best pancakes he had ever had, he had gone back to the Tower. He was surprised when he found the whole team sitting in the kitchen, looking at him expectantly.
“Is everything okay?” he asked, feeling slightly self – conscious.
“Sure. Everything’s dandy. How about yourself, Cap?” Tony asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
“I’m fine, thank you.” Steve answered, deciding to ignore the tension in favor of going over to the fridge and pouring himself a glass of orange juice.
“Oh, that’s good. You had a good night then?”
Without missing a beat, Steve smiled, “Very good, yes.”
“That’s funny. You’re even wearing yesterday’s clothes.”
Instead of answering, Steve simply raising a single eyebrow, keeping his face carefully blank.
“I think what Stark is getting at is this,” Clint jumped in, “Did you get laid?”
“No.” Steve simply said and walked out of the kitchen before anyone could ask anymore questions; he kind of wished he had stayed at Bucky’s, or that he could just go back there. He hadn’t and he couldn’t, so he did the next best thing and broke a total four punching bags.
15:24 from: Bucky
Hey :) What r u up to?
15:30 to: Bucky
Just finished in the gym. Now I’m sketching.
15:30 from: Bucky
Fitness freak ;) What r u sketching?
15:31 to: Bucky
At least I stay healthy. View from my window
15:31 from: Bucky
Creative
15.31 to: Bucky
Shut up. What are you doing? Shouldn’t you be in college?
15:32 from: Bucky
I am and I wish I wasnt
15:33 to: Bucky
Is everything okay?
15:35 from: Bucky
Just ran into my ex. It was awkward
15:36 to: Bucky
Oh. Sorry?
15:36 from: Bucky
Youre shit at emotional comfort, yknow?
15:36 from Bucky
But its fine. Im fine
15:37 to: Bucky
Do you want to talk?
15:38 from: Bucky
Dunno. Its stupid. We weren’t even together that long but it was an ugly breakup yknow?
15:40 to: Bucky
I don’t, actually
15:40 from: Bucky
Shit, sorry. I keep forgetting that you never actually had a relationship
15:40 to: Bucky
Don’t apologize. And we were talking about you, not me ;)
15:42 from: Bucky
Meh, cant blame a guy for trying ;)
15:42 to: Bucky
You don’t have to tell me if you don’t to, y’know
15:43 from: Bucky
Thing is I do…we were together for like three months and everything was great and then I walked in him and another guy screwing on the kitchen counter
15:53 from: Bucky
Steve? You there?
16:00 from: Bucky
If this about the guy thing I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner but I figured you wouldn’t care either way
17:00 from: Bucky
Guess I was wrong
Steve reread the message Bucky had sent him six hours earlier. He didn’t have to, he had had the words memorized after the first time reading them and since then he had lost count of how many time he had stared at them. He knew exactly what they said.
Him
Steve wasn’t even sure why that was an issue because it wasn’t. It really wasn’t. Except for the part where maybe it was. Because that meant that all the flirting Bucky had done had…what? Meant something? The point was: Bucky was no longer safe. Bucky had the potential of returning whatever it was that Steve felt for him.
I figured you wouldn’t care
And he didn’t. Not like that, anyway.
“Fuck.” With a low groan Steve quickly stood up from where he had been lying on his bed and put on whatever clothes he could find before leaving the Tower and walking to Bucky’s apartment. It wasn’t until he had actually arrived, that he realized it was half past ten and there was no guarantee Bucky was awake or even home. He rang the bell anyway. The buzzer went off and Steve walked up the stairs, much slower than necessary, trying to find out why he had come here in the first place.
“Oh. You.” Bucky looked at him with a sober expression and now it was Steve’s turn to blush.
“Hey.” He rasped out, “Can I come in?” Bucky stepped aside wordlessly and closed the door behind Steve. “I wanted to apologize.” Steve blurted out.
“For what?”
“Not answering to your text. I – it’s not –“ Words. Words were a hard thing to find when you needed them.
“It’s fine.”
“No, it’s not, dammit.” Bucky raised his eyebrow at Steve’s outburst but stayed quiet, “It wasn’t about you.”
“You giving me the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ – speech now?” and despite the frustration and bitterness in Bucky’s voice there was also a hint of amusement and Steve chuckled, “Yes?” he muttered sheepishly.
Bucky snorted and rolled his eyes but he seemed to have relaxed ever so slightly and pointed toward the couch before getting two beers from the fridge, “Talk.” he demanded.
“I really don’t care about whether you’re…queer…or whatever it’s called these days,” Steve began, “I’m still getting used to people talking openly about it because we couldn’t do that. Being queer meant getting thrown into prison or getting beat up in an alley. I lost count of the number of dead bodies that were found, all young men that were at the wrong place at the wrong time and…it scared me. It still scares me.”
“Why?”
“I loved Peggy. I really did but she wasn’t – we weren’t – not like that. We would have been…or, could have been. After everything. But I – it’s not just –“ but he couldn’t say it. He couldn’t. Not that it mattered because Bucky must have understood anyway, his eyes growing wide in realization, “Oh.” he breathed out, “Shit, Steve, I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?” Steve asked confused.
“I jumped to conclusions without even considering anything else.”
“There was no reason to think otherwise,” Steve muttered.
“Still wasn’t okay.” Steve looked up to meet Bucky’s eyes and there so much there. Gentleness and regret and sadness and forgiveness. “You know it’s okay, right?”
“It’s not that easy.”
“I didn’t say that it was,” and for some reason, Steve thought that Bucky actually understood, “Obviously, I don’t know how you feel but I’m tellin’ ya that you’ve got friends and that it’s okay. There’s nothing to be scared or ashamed of.”
How the hell is he doing that? How the hell does he know exactly what to say? “Thanks Buck.”
“Anytime, pal.”
Steve wasn’t sure how long they sat there, side by side on the sofa, enjoying the silence but they must have both fallen asleep at some point because when Steve woke up the next morning, there arms and legs were entangled and Steve had a wet spot on his shirt from Bucky’s drooling.
Two months ago, Steve had woken up to a new world.
Six weeks ago, he had fought Aliens.
Five weeks ago, he had moved into the Stark Tower with the rest of the Avengers.
One month ago, one James Buchanan Barnes had entered Steve’s life and possibly changed it forever.
Steve hadn’t actually seen Bucky since that strange night on Bucky’s couch where Steve had, for the first time in his life, talked about his conflicted feelings. There had been some minor incident in Michigan, involving mutated sharks in a lake – how they got there, Steve didn’t know, but it had caused enough trouble for the Avengers to be sent in.
Now, Steve sitting in the garden of a rented party room, surrounded by people from his past and his present alike, feeling incredibly anxious. Somehow, someone had managed to bring the old Howling Commandos back, talking and laughing over old stories from the war and Steve should feel comfortable, except he didn’t. All these men, his friends, they were old while Steve was still young. For them, the war was history, for him the war had been two months ago. He felt disconnected. Out of place. The Avengers were there too but Steve felt even less inclined to talk to them.
So here he was, sitting on the sidelines on his friends 90th birthday, watching the people around him have a good time while he was stuck in limbo. An empty space between the future and past.
“You’re not really having a good time, are you?” Bucky appeared by his side, seemingly out of nowhere.
“I’m not so good with crowds,” Steve answered. It was a lie and Steve knew that Bucky knew that but he didn’t call Steve out on it; simply nodded and sat down next to him and started chewing on his lip
Steve chuckled lightly, “James always used to do that, y’know.”
Next to him, Bucky froze, “Do what?”
“He chewed on his lip when he was nervous. Same way you do?”
“Any – anything else we have in common?”
“You look like him, but you already knew that. You’re quitter. Calmer. Definitely smarter. You got the same smile but you don’t…you don’t throw it at anything pretty that comes your way.”
“Which smile?” Bucky asked and if it wasn’t for the slight spark in his eyes, Steve might have believed that Bucky was in fact oblivious, but as it was, he didn’t.
Steve let out a sight, running his hand through his hair. He felt like answering that question was like giving everything away he had tried to keep locked up, “The one that lights up your whole face. It’s bright and charming and beautiful. It gives people the feeling like you care about them. Like they are the only thing you can see, except…you actually mean it. James didn’t”
“You mean the way I smile at you.”, it was more a statement than a question and Steve could feel Bucky’s eyes on him.
“Buck – “
“I know you noticed, Steve. I know. You’re not as oblivious as everyone seems to think you are.” Finally, Steve turned his head to meet Bucky’s gaze; open and honest. “And I know that this all new for you and you’re still trying to wrap your head about everything but…I like you, Steve. I like you a lot. And it might not feel like it right now, but as I already told you, there’s nothing to be scared or ashamed of and…unless I got this completely wrong, I think you like me too.” The sheer vulnerability in Bucky’s words had Steve’s heart aching. “I do.” he whispered like a confession. A secret.
And then Bucky smiled at him. It was the smile that had Steve’s knees go week and his mouth go dry but he saw it so clearly now, his this was Bucky’s smile, not James’, Bucky who smiled at him like he cared about him. Like Steve was the only thing he could see. And he meant it.
“Dance with me?”
Steve swallowed thickly around the lump in his throat, looking at the hand Bucky was offering him and then back at the smile that lit up his eyes, making the blue look like diamonds glistening in the sun.
“Gladly.”