“You're coming, right?"
Heejin stops mid-shove, her binder haphazardly stuck in her backpack, as she glances up at Jeno. He's several paces ahead of her, his stupidly long legs allowing him to cover twice the distance Heejin can.
"This is literally so unfair," she protests. "I am actually going to break your legs if you don't stop walking right now."
"I’d like to see you try," Jeno laughs. "You probably couldn’t come within two feet of me, anyway."
"Shut up." Heejin catches up to him, punching his arm. "This is why nobody likes you."
" Ow, you are way too angry for your own good." Jeno rubs at his arm. "I feel like more people should be scared of you. You're literally terrifying."
"Sure, buddy," Heejin snorts, pulling open the door to Panera. "Whatever. I just want to get this over with."
Heejin sets up her laptop at a table as Jeno places their order—a mac and cheese split between the two of them—and pulls up her personal statement as he returns with the food.
"I wonder how Hyunjin's doing," Heejin muses between forkfuls of mac. Jeno smirks.
"Uh huh," he nods slowly. Heejin lifts an eyebrow at him.
"Shut up. "
"I didn't even say anything!"
"You didn't need to." Heejin shakes her head. "I'm not that much of a simp, okay? She was just complaining about college apps and stuff earlier."
“Which is valid,” Jeno encourages, wrinkling his nose. “I hate college.”
“Well,” Heejin pauses. “Hopefully you don’t hate my personal statement!”
Jeno smiles. “I’m sure it’ll be decent! You know, after I comb through it for grammar and such.”
“Oh my God, I hate you.” Heejin rolls her eyes. “Just read through it, will you?”
“Whatever you say, Heejin.” Jeno shrugs. “ For as long as I can remember, my head has always been filled with stories- hmm, that’s kind of trite. Maybe you can start it off with something like-”
“ Dude.” Heejin’s face erupts in flames of mortification. “Can you maybe not read my personal statement out loud as you’re literally obliterating it?”
Jeno’s expression softens. “I wasn’t trying to-”
“Just leave some comments on the document.” Heejin stands up. “I’m going to the bathroom.”
Jeno looks up. “Wait, Heejin-”
But Heejin’s already rushed off to the bathroom, phone clutched in hand, firmly willing to avoid Jeno Lee for the rest of her (admittedly short) high school career.
☾
[ to: hyunjin ]
wanna join my jeno boycott
Heejin flings her phone onto her desk before dramatically starfishing out onto her bed. Her phone buzzes with Hyunjin’s response, loud and obnoxious. Heejin groans before rolling over and reaching for the desk—and then promptly falls off the bed.
“ Fuck,” she mutters, rubbing her head. Grabbing the offending device, Heejin settles back in bed, opening her chat with Hyunjin.
[ from: hyunjin ]
ok sure
wait lmao why are we boycotting jeno
Heejin heaves a sigh. She pulls up her personal statement—which is now fully annotated, thanks to Jeno—and struggles to fight back tears. It’s not even that Jeno’s feedback isn’t helpful—because it is, and Heejin knows it—but it’s that Heejin’s ego as a writer has been severely bruised. Perhaps it’s the fact that it’s taken Heejin forever to figure out her own personal narrative voice, or maybe it’s that it now feels like Jeno is critiquing her, rather than her writing. Either way, it feels so… emasculating to Heejin.
[ to: hyunjin ]
bc he sucks
Heejin is an asshole. Fuck. Before she can marinate in her entirely invalid feelings for any longer, she finds an Instagram reel of a Samoyed pawing at a jar of Nutella.
[ to: jeno ]
https://instagr...
you fr
Heejin can never find it within herself to stay mad at Jeno for long. It’s her fatal flaw, in her opinion—she hates all men, but Jeno Lee is the one exception.
[ from: jeno ]
ok but that much chocolate could actually kill him…
poor guy :( he doesnt deserve this abuse
Heejin suppresses a smile before typing back a response.
[ to: jeno ]
ok but he’s cute
and obsessed with nutella
like u
weirdo.
[ from: jeno ]
sHUT UP
YOU LIKE PEANUT BUTTER
[ to: jeno ]
WDYM PEANUT BUTTER IS A PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE FOOD
ITS GREAT
WONDERFUL EVEN
[ from: jeno ]
no its not.
omg.
ur food opinions are SO bad
[ to: jeno ]
SAYS YOU
YOU LIKE MF HAZELNUT HELL
jeno is typing…
Heejin switches over to her chat with Hyunjin.
[ to: hyunjin ]
nvm we’re abandoning the jeno boycott
[ from: hyunjin ]
LOL
how come
[ to: hyunjin ]
he’s redeemed himself c:
[ from: hyunjin ]
u say this literally every time LOL
[ to: hyunjin ]
ok and?
it’s still true
[ from: hyunjin ]
if u say so
Heejin pauses at the natural lull in the conversation, her fingers hovering over her keyboard.
[ from: hyunjin ]
i bet the poor kid said smth abt ur writing
am i right or am i right :D
[ to: hyunjin ]
bruh
How. Literally how. Heejin swears that Hyunjin must have psychic abilities or something, because there’s no way in hell she could’ve known that.
[ from: hyunjin ]
idek why he still proofreads stuff for u tbh
ur so bad at taking criticism
[ to: hyunjin ]
SHUT UP
NO I’M NOT
[ from: hyunjin ]
uh huh
[ to: hyunjin ]
I’M NOT
THIS IS SO MEAN
[ from: hyunjin ]
:))
anyways
wanna watch smth
we can stream it over discord
[ to: hyunjin ]
okok
we can do it later
sooyoung’s coming over for the weekend
[ from: hyunjin ]
oh yeah ofc
go spend time with ur sister >:(
“Heejin! Come down, Sooyoung’s here!”
[ to: hyunjin ]
scary good timing
she just arrived :skull:
[ from: hyunjin ]
:))
Heejin closes out of her chat with Hyunjin, stifling a giggle at Jeno’s messages, before bounding down the stairs to greet her sister.
[ from: jeno ]
HEEJIN
I CAN SEE THAT UR ONLINE
STOP IGNORING ME BC U WANNA TALK TO HYUNJIN >:(
SIMP >:(
☾
Dinner with Sooyoung goes about as well as expected—that is to say, it’s a complete shitshow. Heejin’s sister is seven years older and a full two inches shorter than her, but she might as well be a foot taller than her with how small Heejin feels around her.
But honestly? It’s not even Sooyoung’s fault. Heejin just has a massive inferiority complex—the kind you get from living under the shadow of an older sister who has an undergraduate degree in computer science from Columbia but is now successfully pursuing her dreams of being a TikTok-famous singer. Yeah. It’s pretty bad. Heejin spends most of dinner with a stiff upper lip, refusing to make eye contact with her sister.
“Jinnie!” Sooyoung engulfs her in a hug after they get back up to Heejin’s room, and Heejin breaks almost immediately. The nickname is bittersweet, tainted with the remnants of a bygone relationship. But it feels good, in some twisted way, to hear it again—she’d be the last to admit it, but Heejin’s missed Sooyoung. Like, a lot.
(Ew. She’s never bringing it up again.)
“I’ve missed you so much,” Sooyoung says softly, almost perfectly echoing Heejin’s own sentiment. Goddammit. Heejin hates how well her sister can read her.
“Yeah, well, you should’ve texted more,” Heejin mutters. “Whatever. How’s New York been?”
“Good,” Sooyoung chooses to respond, a slow smile spreading across her face. “Busy, though.”
“I can tell.”
Sooyoung lifts an eyebrow. “How’s college season been going?”
“Fine.” Heejin glares. “Great, even.”
“Yeah?” Sooyoung shifts closer to Heejin, half obscuring Ariel’s face on Heejin’s princess-laden comforter. (Shut up, she’s had it since she was eight.) Heejin studies Ariel’s warped face, the askew lines and wonky shapes creating a grotesque monster. It’s almost allegorical, she thinks.
Sooyoung points at the laptop. “Show me your personal statement.”
It’s not even a question, or a request—it’s a demand, and Heejin knows that she has to comply.
Heejin turns her laptop screen over to Sooyoung. “I fucking hate you,” she barks, with no real bite. “I hope you know that.”
“We’ll see what you’re saying after I go through this for you,” Sooyoung remarks coolly. Heejin simply huffs, and allows her sister to proceed.
Nearly ten minutes pass, and then—
“Jeno’s right,” Sooyoung finally proclaims. “It doesn’t sound like you.”
Heejin’s heart thuds in her chest. “What?”
Sooyoung indicates a line of text. “ The pen is mightier than the sword. It’s nice, but it’s contrived.”
Heejin gapes. “What- no, did you even read the whole thing?”
“I mean, yeah,” Sooyoung pauses. “There’s some good content in here. I like the way that you distinguish stories and narratives, and there’s some nice wordsmithing in there, too. But I agree with Jeno when I say that your biggest issue is that your writing sounds disingenuous.”
Heejin’s throat closes up. “How do I fix it?”
“Write like yourself.” Sooyoung places a hand on Heejin’s. “Don’t write like you’re writing for someone else.”
“But I can’t.” Hot tears sear Heejin’s eyes, blurring her vision. “The only way I could come up with this was when I treated myself like one of my characters.”
“You’re not a fictitious character, though,” Sooyoung says softly. “The best way for you to add meaning to your writing is to find meaning within yourself.”
“What does that even mean?” Heejin despairs. “That’s such vague college guru bullshit.”
“Heejin,” Sooyoung says. “You need to care about your writing. And in order to do that, you need to find a reason to care about yourself. Tufts isn’t going to want you if you don’t even want yourself.”
Fuck.
“Okay,” Heejin sniffs. “Fine. I’ll figure it out.”
Sooyoung gently pries the laptop from Heejin’s fingers, offering her a tissue. Heejin glares at her, but accepts nonetheless.
“Now that we have that out of the way,” Sooyoung smiles conspiratorially, “how are things going with Hyunjin?”
“Oh my God.”
☾
It takes Heejin an embarrassing amount of time to recognize that choosing Ryan Reynolds as a celebrity crush in middle school just because he’s the default attractive man (and for no other reason) might be a little questionable. Especially when she knows that she’s way more attracted to Zendaya (to be fair, everyone has a crush on her) or Katie McGrath (she’s kind of just for the lesbians, but she’s still objectively attractive, okay). Heejin supposes the final nail in the coffin is her crush on Hyunjin—a real-life, non-celebrity (a non-celebrity!), who has an actual personality (an actual personality!).
The thing is, Heejin is also criminally stupid. Especially when it comes to her feelings. It takes all of sophomore year—all of the bus rides home, earphones dangling out of their ears, as they take turns choosing music; all of the late-night theatre rehearsals, hands clasped together as they fall asleep on each other; all of the 3 AM Discord calls, proofreading essays for each other after watching movies they don’t have the time for—for Heejin to come upon the realization that:
- She may not be as straight as she thinks, and
- She may actually be feeling things for Hyunjin.
Realizing she’s gay isn’t weird, but realizing she likes Hyunjin is . Heejin is suddenly hyperaware of how long her gaze lingers on Hyunjin, of how much she laughs at Hyunjin’s jokes, of how dry her throat gets around Hyunjin.
Heejin’s pretty sure Hyunjin can tell at this point, given that it’s been two whole years, but she’s somehow managed to remain friends with Hyunjin, so she’s willing to overlook it. It’s senior year. She’s going to graduate soon, anyway, and she and Hyunjin are EDing to different universities.
(Granted, BU and Tufts are in the same city. But still. )
Heejin may be a hopeless daydreamer, but she’s disillusioned enough to understand that she’s already lost her chance. Nothing from here on out is certain—and all Heejin can do is try to keep up with the ride.
☾
jinesaisquois
hihi
ready?
jinnieinabottle
lets get on call first
Heejin opens up Netflix on her desktop, lowering her headphones over her ears. They’re comically large, with fuzzy black and pink cat ears adorning the top—she had a phase, okay—and Hyunjin laughs as soon as she joins the call.
“I can’t believe you still have those headphones,” Hyunjin giggles. “It’s been, like, three years. At least.”
“It’s been five, actually,” Heejin says absentmindedly, scrolling through Netflix. “My parents refuse to buy me a new pair, though.”
“You’re going to have them forever,” Hyunjin says seriously. “Forever and ever.”
“And ever,” Heejin agrees, flashing her a smile. “What do you want to watch?”
“ The Half of It, duh,” Hyunjin returns. “Comfort movie.”
“True,” Heejin agrees. “I think we all need some comforting right about now.”
“College,” Hyunjin shudders. “I don’t want to think about it.”
“I don’t know,” Heejin starts. “I feel like we’ve spent the last, what, six months trying to run away from this? And now it’s here.”
“It is here,” Hyunjin continues, “and it’s terrifying.” She hesitates for a moment, a slow kind of heaviness filling her expression. “I don’t want things to change, Heejin.”
“Me neither,” Heejin says softly. “Me neither.”
A sort of hush falls over them, heavy and stifling. It’s a sucker punch to the gut—this sort of liminal space they’re in, traversing the precipice between childhood and adulthood. Heejin isn’t ready for this kind of existentialist bullshit, goddammit. It’s not even 3 AM yet, for God’s sake.
Heejin scrambles for words, attempting to fill the silence. “You know, I’ve been working on my personal statement.” She pauses for a moment, gauging Hyunjin’s reaction, before continuing. “Everyone keeps saying that it’s disingenuous or something, but it’s like, how do you even get it to work thematically and sound genuine?”
“For real,” Hyunjin agrees. “Mine is so stupid, too. I wrote it about theatre, because I didn’t know what else to talk about. It has, like, nothing to do with my major, so I’m probably not even going to get in.”
“I wish we could get extensions on these,” Heejin muses. “We need way more time to condense our lives into 600 words.”
“Gonna be honest, though, I don’t think last-minute extensions are a reliable plan,” Hyunjin sighs. “I’d probably just procrastinate even more than I already do.”
“Mm, it’s hard not to procrastinate,” Heejin responds thoughtfully. “But I feel like because we’ve spent so much of our lives trying to get ahead, it feels especially weird to put things off now.”
“I guess so, yeah.” Hyunjin nods. “BU seems so out of reach, though.”
“College in general, though,” Heejin counters. “Tufts is probably going to burn my application.”
“Shut up, you’re literally a writer.”
“A writer with an impersonal personal statement,” Heejin fires back. “Ugh, sorry. I’m just really stressed about it.”
“Why don’t we watch the movie,” Hyunjin suggests, her eyes full of sympathy. “A little escapism to take our mind off everything.”
“Yeah, no, of course.”
Heejin refreshes her Netflix, settling back as the movie begins. They watch the movie in relative silence, breaking it every now and then with a laugh or a well-timed quip. But in all honesty, the movie does nothing to ease Heejin’s stress—a major plot point of the movie is literally about college, and it worms its way into the back of Heejin’s brain until it’s all she can think about.
That’s the part that she hates most about this process—it’s so pervasive, the idea of having a strong personal statement, of having the right extracurriculars, of taking the hardest APs, all so she can get into a good school. It’s exhausting, especially in the highly competitive school environment she’s in, to constantly feel so stressed about everything. Sometimes Heejin wishes that she could escape into one of her fantasy dimensions, to write herself a universe without dreaded school and extracurriculars and college admissions.
It’s not until half an hour later that Heejing realizes that she’s been so utterly focused on how stressed she is about college that she’s not only completely missed the movie, but also the fact that Hyunjin has fallen asleep. The poor girl must be even more tired than Heejin is—she does so much —but she looks strangely at peace while asleep. Heejin simply sighs, clicking off the movie, and ends the call, sending Hyunjin a quick good night message.
Perhaps it’s then that she realizes: Heejin has let this process consume her, so much so that she’s almost lost herself in the process—and if she’s being completely honest, she doesn’t know if she can make it back.
☾
Heejin likes to think of Panera as her special spot, but her nearest location is positively bustling with students during lunch. She’s lucky that she has a table to herself with Hyunjin and Jeno, as they split a large mac and cheese three ways.
“This stuff is god tier,” Hyunjin chews on her mac and cheese. “I’m kind of in love, not gonna lie.”
“Exactly,” Heejin responds, self-satisfied. “It’s literally amazing.”
“Yeah, yeah, great food,” Jeno interrupts, waving a hand. “Can we work on the project, maybe?”
“Sorry,” Hyunjin giggles. She pulls out her notebook, neatly organized with a few rough sketches in the margins, and flips open to the page dedicated to their AP Psych project. “We basically just need data from, like, three more people.”
Heejin stares at Jeno meaningfully.
“I can go look for people,” Jeno volunteers hastily. “I’ll, uh, go now.”
“Are you sure?” Hyunjin questions. “We can always look later.”
“No, it’s okay,” Heejin says cheerfully. “We can organize the data while Jeno looks for more test subjects.”
“What she said,” Jeno agrees, nodding aggressively.
“Okay, then.” Hyunjin scoots her chair closer to Heejin. “Heejin and I will organize our data, then.”
“Sounds good.” Heejin dutifully pulls out her laptop, covered in plant stickers. Yes, she’s a plant lesbian. Sue her, the stickers are cute.
Heejin’s favorite sticker has to be the one the Hyunjin drew for her—a cat, soft and yellow, it hardly fits in with the rest of the stickers on her laptop. Nevertheless, the sticker is cute, and Heejin thinks that it’s the perfect representation of Hyunjin, forever preserved on her laptop. Heejin’s two favorite things, if you will.
Heejin is so distracted admiring the stickers and fantasizing about Hyunjin that she barely notices Hyunjin putting a protective hand on hers—and it’s only when she notices that that she realizes what the people at the table over are talking about.
“You’re bi, right?” some girl asks the guy beside her, her tone neutral. The guy nods.
“I guess it’s nice to have something to talk about in my college essays,” he responds haltingly. “I kind of wish we were poor or something.”
“For real,” another girl chimes in. “Honestly, I kind of wish I was gay, too. It’d give the admissions officers something to read about.”
The first girl snorts. “I mean, what’s stopping you from pretending like you are? It’s not like the admissions officers are gonna know if you write all about how abused you are by your homophobic parents.”
Heejin feels sick to her stomach. Hyunjin’s grip is viselike.
“Honestly, I might as well get the pity points,” the second girl laughs. “It’ll set me apart, yeah?”
Heejin shuts her laptop and shoves it in her bag, slinging it over her shoulder in one deft motion. She picks up Hyunjin’s notebook as the girl clings to her other hand, walking straight to Hyunjin’s car, and only stops after she’s slammed the door shut behind her.
Heejin looks over at Hyunjin, distraught. Hyunjin’s eyes are large and wet, her face pale and drawn, and all Heejin can do is bring her in a tight embrace.
“Oh, Hyunjin, I’m so sorry,” she whispers. Hyunjin’s body quakes under her, so fragile that she might just shatter if Heejin does anything more. All Heejin can do is hold her, be there for her—and it takes every bit of Heejin’s resolve not to break down herself.
“Disgusting,” is the first thing that Hyunjin utters, once her sobs have subsided. Her voice is hollow, devoid of all emotion. “They’re disgusting.”
“They are,” Heejin despairs. “Like, who does that?”
“How dare they,” Hyunjin’s small frame trembles with anger. “How dare they try to lie about something like that for sob story points.”
“The privilege,” Heejin says softly. “Imagine having the kind of privileged, sick mind where you’d ever consider doing that.”
“Right? Like I’m risking everything to write about being queer,” Hyunjin spits out. “Hell, I’m already risking so much by being in theatre, and that’s the only community where I’ve ever really felt at home.”
Heejin throws her arms around Hyunjin, pulling her close. Hyunjin hugs her back, pressing words close to Heejin’s ear.
“I feel at home with you, too.”
Heejin’s heart nearly stops as goosebumps erupt across her skin. Hyunjin smiles as she pulls away from the hug, but Heejin doesn’t let go of her hand. Even when Jeno returns, confused—and then furious—Heejin clings onto Hyunjin’s hand. She clings to Hyunjin’s warmth, her stability, her love.
Perhaps it’s then that Heejin realizes that it’s always been Hyunjin.
☾
Heejin’s theatre company has a multitude of traditions—as any good company should have—but perhaps the most special is their company Panera trip, a staple after every Friday night show. Students order each other food and wax poetic about their fellow actors and crew members.
(It’s an enduring tradition because of the bonds it creates. There’s nothing like crying with someone over a solid bowl of mac and cheese, apparently.)
But it’s especially sacred to Heejin, because it’s how she first begins to develop her relationship with Hyunjin.
The show is Alice in Wonderland, and Heejin is a terrified sophomore, whose only friend is another terrified sophomore. The show is fabulous, of course, but Heejin feels incredibly out of place in this tight-knit family, and she can tell that her only other friend is also feeling out of place.
So she takes a leap of faith. She buys her newfound friend a macaroni sandwich, and they split it in one of the little booths at the very back. They’re virtually alone for the majority of the night, and by the end of it, both Heejin and Hyunjin are feeling far less alone.
It’s one of Heejin’s most powerful, closely-treasured memories—regardless of what her AP Psych instructor insists, Heejin can relive that night as many times as she wants to. She can almost taste the luxuriant creaminess of the sandwich, smell the fruity perfume that Hyunjin had been wearing. Hyunjin is the first person that Heejin ever comes out to—and Heejin is the first person that Hyunjin ever comes out to.
Perhaps that’s the tipping point for Heejin. She’s always had Jeno—and yeah, it’s not like he’s homophobic or anything—but she’s never met someone as uniquely situated as Hyunjin. It’s a breath of fresh air, really, to have someone as wonderfully sweet and similarly minded to her as Hyunjin is.
Heejin has felt passing attraction, of course—who isn’t romantically in love with Zendaya—but Hyunjin is her first longtime crush. And Heejin would be lying if she said that it doesn’t terrify her.
☾
It’s the desecration of her favorite place that truly brings Heejin an understanding of her situation. It gives that Panera an extra degree of meaning, an additional layer of depth. But more importantly, it helps Heejin recognize what she truly values.
Hyunjin tops the list. Of course she does. But realistically speaking, it’s more so in how important people’s stories are to her. She finds the falsified narratives that people attempt to present to be truly despicable—and when she tells her sister, she’s met with an excited, “This is it!”
Sooyoung first pulls Heejin close, with more than a few thinly-veiled threats promising to graphically mutilate anyone who dares make such audacious statements. But her anger wanes to excitement as Heejin arrives at what she truly values.
“This is it, Jinnie,” she exclaims. “This is what your personal statement needed.”
And just like that, the final piece clicks into place. Heejin’s personal statement is currently about what she loves, not what she values —and all Heejin needs to do is make that little adjustment in order to get it to where it needs to be.
Before Sooyoung can say another word, Heejin marches right back to her room. She smiles at the warm yellow cat sticker on her laptop, a perpetual reminder of what she finds important, and opens her laptop.
Before the night ends, Heejin submits her Tufts application.
☾
It brings Heejin a great deal of relief to finally have her Tufts application submitted.
(Hyunjin is the first person she tells. Not Sooyoung, not Jeno— Hyunjin. And when Hyunjin submits her BU application a few days later, Heejin is the first person to know.)
Heejin is finally able to focus on life again, her academics and social life severely needing the attention. Jeno and Hyunjin are also a lot more available, having submitted a majority of their early applications as well. Jeno, the freak he is, decides to apply early decision to fucking Brown, and Heejin kind of hates how well suited he is to the school.
November is a whirlwind of midterms and AP exam prep, with quiet, solitary pockets of time nestled in between as Heejin scrambles to keep with the intensity of senior year.
Heejin no longer rides the bus home with Hyunjin—rather, Hyunjin drives her home, a deep, visceral subversion of their previous moments together. Sometimes Jeno accompanies them too, but the time they spend together draws them infinitesimally closer to each other, two planets in close orbit.
Heejin might almost say that she’s content .
☾
College decisions start rolling out by the second week of December, and it turns Heejin’s world upside down. Before she knows it, the people in her class—the people she’s grown up with—are heading off to top universities. Johns Hopkins, MIT, even Stanford —the list goes on and on.
And then Jeno gets an email, right in the middle of lunch, and promptly drops his sandwich. His face grows pale as he swallows, his hands trembling.
“The Brown decision is out,” Jeno manages. “Should I…?”
“ Yes , oh my God,” Heejin encourages, but Hyunjin is more reserved.
“You’re not at all obligated to check here,” she reassures. “And you know that we love you, no matter what happens.”
But Jeno is already pulling up the application portal on his phone, his finger hovering over the View Update button.
“Okay, I’m doing it,” he says. Jeno taps the button, and Heejin immediately shrieks.
“Did you-”
“HE GOT IN!” Heejin screams, already bawling. Jeno smiles sheepishly as Heejin attacks him with a hug, his face reddening further and further by the minute. Hyunjin claps excitedly, and their table follows suit as a wave of applause spreads through the cafeteria.
“Look at you, you absolute legend,” Heejin cries. “You’ve got the whole fucking cafeteria clapping for you.”
“I can’t breathe, Heejin,” Jeno croaks out. “Please let go of me.”
Heejin releases him immediately. “Oh, sorry.”
“You’re fine,” Jeno wheezes, a grin spreading across his face. “This is pretty neat, though.”
“ Pretty neat?” Heejin shrieks, whacking Jeno on the arm. “You got into a fucking Ivy, you absolute asshat!”
Heejin is on top of the world. She’s floating, the adrenaline and sheer joy lifting her up higher and higher. She’s just so damn proud of Jeno—he’s worked so incredibly hard for this, and she’s so excited to see him succeed.
But it takes less time than she’d like to admit for Heejin’s excitement to turn into anxiety about her Tufts decision. She knows that she has about a week or so before the decisions begin rolling out, and it’s nerve-wracking, to say the least. Now that Jeno’s gone and gotten himself accepted into fucking Brown, Heejin has to get into Tufts. And she honestly doesn’t know if that’s possible.
Regardless of the decision, Heejin knows that her friends and family will be there to support her. But she wants this, selfishly, maybe, but so, so desperately.
There’s a kind of fervor Heejin has for life, she thinks—a kind of fiery passion, a kind of want that keeps her going. She’s a Slytherin, an ENTJ—her ambition is what drives her. Sometimes, though, Heejin wonders if she’s allowed to want this much, or if she wants too much. Selfish. Greedy. She wants and and wants and wants, with little to no regard for how much the people around her want, too.
Heejin’s audacity allows her to excel. But late at night—deep within herself—Heejin can’t help but wonder: when will her audacity come back to bite her?
☾
Heejin is so preoccupied with college stress and Hyunjin stress that she manages to fuck up her one and only remaining cue in their production of The Crucible, and promptly wants to fling herself off a bridge. Her director is less than pleased, given that they open in literally two days.
Heejin heads straight for the bathrooms in the girls’ dressing room to cry after that debacle because she knows that nobody can disturb her there. Except the bathroom is occupied when she gets there, so now she’s kind of just standing there with tears dripping down her face, blurring her shitty horror makeup, and making her look even stupider than she already does.
To make matters worse, Hyunjin follows her—because of course she does—and she finds Heejin sitting in a corner of the girls dressing room next to the little trash can, wishing she were the little trash can.
“Heejin, oh my God,” Hyunjin gasps, running over to Heejin’s side. “Is everything okay?”
“I’m fine,” Heejin says brusquely, knowing full well that she is not, in fact, fine.
“Heejin, darling,” Hyunjin murmurs, ever-so-sweetly, “you’re having a breakdown.”
“Shut up,” Heejin grumbles, but she accepts Hyunjin’s embrace anyway. She allows Hyunjin to hold her, to ease her stress away, to shield her from the bustle of the girls’ dressing room post-dress rehearsal—Hyunjin even removes Heejin’s horrendous makeup, gently wiping away until the mess of fake blood and tears leaves way for smooth, golden skin—until the two of them are the only ones left.
Heejin inches toward Hyunjin, her breath bated. She doesn’t know what she’s expecting—she’s fantasized about this moment, obviously, but now that it’s actually here, there’s not much Heejin can do other than sit there, frozen, the sound of her thudding heartbeat superseding her ability to function. Hyunjin is oddly silent, too. She studies Heejin, almost pensively, the tension between them nearly palpable.
“We should head to the house,” Heejin finds herself saying, almost on reflex, and then immediately kicks herself. Hyunjin shakes her head.
“Yeah, no, of course,” she agrees. “Director’s probably waiting for us.”
“Yeah.” Heejin swallows. “Yeah.”
So they make their way down to the house, a sort of awkward silence falling over them. Heejin doesn’t know what it is, but she doesn’t like it.
The only issue is—Heejin’s not sure how she can fix it.
☾
It doesn’t feel right getting into Hyunjin’s car, not after the weird exchange that they’d had in the dressing room. But Hyunjin insists, so Heejin indulges her.
The car is just as quiet as the dressing room—no music in the background to mask the heavy blanket of silence enveloping them. It’s weird. Hyunjin always has music going, even though they usually end up talking over it anyway.
“Hey.”
Heejin is again the one to break the silence. She doesn’t know where she’s getting this courage from.
“Hey.” There’s a hint of a smile in Hyunjin’s voice. “How’s it going?”
“I don’t know.” Heejin laughs awkwardly. The seatbelt chafes her neck. Heejin tugs on it uncomfortably.
The car falls silent once again. Heejin watches the scenery whiz by, so preoccupied with everything that she hardly notices when Hyunjin pulls over.
“Wait, where-”
Heejin looks up at the Panera sign blinking in the darkness.
“Hyunjin?”
“I thought I’d make a pit stop,” Hyunjin smiles softly. “Wanna get a mac sandwich?”
Heejin just about combusts. “How can I say no?”
But Hyunjin makes no move to get out of the car. Heejin looks over at her.
“Hyunjin?”
Hyunjin simply watches her, her eyes dark and observant. Like she’s drinking in the detail of Heejin’s eyes, bloodshot and exhausted, or the curved slope of her cheekbones, skin sallow and gaunt, or her chapped lips, stained with remnants of fake blood. Heejin can never really tell what Hyunjin is thinking at times, and this is one of them.
“Heejin, I need to tell you something.”
Heejin’s fantasy pops like a bubble. “What? What’s up?”
“I, uh. I just wanted to say that, um-” Hyunjin never stutters.
“Is everything okay?”
Hyunjin nods. “You know what? It’s okay, we can talk about it afterward.”
“Are you sure?” Heejin asks. Hyunjin nods.
“Yeah, let’s go.” Hyunjin pauses. “Actually, why don’t we go through the drive-thru? I feel like the car ambience is kind of aesthetic.”
“Okay, sure.” Heejin laughs. “Anything works.”
Hyunjin pulls the car around to the drive-thru, ordering the sandwich, and Heejin insists on paying for it, thrusting her card forward when the woman asks. Hyunjin stares at her with a mixture of exasperation and endearment, with maybe a little bit of something else—or maybe it’s just Heejin’s overactive imagination talking.
Hyunjin pulls around to the empty parking lot, shifting the car into park, and Heejin hands Hyunjin her half of the sandwich.
“You’re right,” Heejin remarks, as she drinks in the sparse light cast around the parking lot. “This is kind of aesthetic.”
“See? I told you so,” Hyunjin responds smugly. She hands Heejin an Airpod. “Music?”
“Taylor Swift!” Heejin exclaims. “Wildest Dreams, please. It’s literally our song.”
“Okay, okay,” Hyunjin laughs. “If you say so.”
Heejin quiets down as the first chords of the song play, haunting and reminiscent of their sophomore year. Hyunjin’s hand finds Heejin’s as the song swells up to its chorus, and Heejin finds her throat constricting as the final chorus plays.
“That’s such a raw line,” Hyunjin murmurs. “Say you’ll see me again, even if it’s just pretend?”
Heejin swallows hard. “Yeah,” she croaks out. Heejin glances over at Hyunjin, a visceral, liminal sort of fear clouding her gaze. “Hyunjin.”
“Hmm?”
“We’re staying friends forever, right?”
“Of course,” Hyunjin responds immediately, as if on reflex. But Heejin can see the uncertainty behind her gaze.
“Hyunjin-”
“Heejin-”
Heejin laughs, Hyunjin giggling sheepishly, as the tension spills away. Heejin smiles at Hyunjin, almost reverently.
“Oh yeah, what was it that you wanted to tell me earlier?”
“Oh.” Hyunjin swallows. “That. Yeah.”
“Yeah, so what’s up?” Heejin encourages. Hyunjin grows very still for a moment, and then—
“Heejin, you know you’re one of the most important people in my life, right?”
Heejin’s heart pounds in her chest. “Yeah?”
“Well.” Hyunjin places both of her hands on Heejin’s, searching her gaze. “I just wanted to tell you first, before anything happens. I think it’s important for you to know.”
“Hyunjin, is everything okay?” Heejin questions, her heart in her throat.
“No, don’t worry.” Hyunjin shakes her head, smiling softly. “It’s just that I, uh. I got into BU!”
“What?”
Heejin stares at her in shock. Hyunjin pauses, gauging her reaction.
“Hyunjin, this is amazing! Oh my God, I’m so proud of you,” Heejin babbles, pulling Hyunjin in. Hyunjin laughs quietly, allowing herself to be regaled by Heejin.
"Well, I'm glad," Hyunjin finally says, her dark eyes filled with mirth. "I don't know why I was so stressed about it."
"Come on," Heejin teases. "You never have to be stressed around me."
"Yeah?"
"Duh," Heejin punctuates. Hyunjin smiles at her, her eyes crinkle with warmth, and before Heejin can even think twice, she feels a butterfly-light touch on her cheek.
"Did you just… kiss me?" Heejin asks, her jaw dropping as she reaches up to touch her face. She’s dreaming. No fucking way.
Hyunjin flushes. "You looked so cute," she admits. Panic flashes across her gaze. "I'm sorry, was that not okay? Oh no, I didn't mean to violate your boundaries or anything, I-"
"Hyunjin, it's okay," Heejin catches Hyunjin’s flailing arms. "It's okay. It's definitely okay."
"Are you sure?" Hyunjin chews her lip anxiously. "Don't feel obligated to say it's okay or anything."
"No, I mean it," Heejin responds firmly. "It's okay. You can. Um. You can do it again? If you want to?"
Hyunjin's flush darkens. "As long as you're cool with it."
Heejin leans in conspiratorially, her voice dropping to a whisper. "As long as you're cool with it."
Hyunjin nods. "Definitely," she whispers back.
Heejin bites back a grin, elation expanding inside her chest. She leans forward, pressing a soft kiss to Hyunjin's lips. Hyunjin’s eyelids flutter as Heejin pulls away, heat radiating off her face.
"That was okay?" Heejin murmurs. Hyunjin giggles, nodding. She brings a hand up to Heejin’s cheek, her smile soft and her eyes warm.
"You're so important. You know that, right?"
"No, you," Heejin fires back. "You're, like, my favorite person ever, probably."
"Even more than Jeno?"
Heejin grins. " Definitely more than Jeno."
☾
Heejin comes home absolutely glowing, and she's certain that nothing can dampen her spirit. She waltzes into her kitchen, humming showtunes as she greets her mother.
"Something came for you," Heejin's mother tells her. "I left it on your desk."
Heejin drops a kiss on her mother's cheek. "Sounds good, thank you," she sing-songs.
"Looks like someone's in a good mood," Heejin's mother chuckles. "Well, head on up to your room. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised."
Heejin squeezes her mother one last time for good measure before skipping up to her room, excitement bubbling in her veins.
"Fuck."
Heejin's jacket hits the ground as she stares at the letter on her desk.
Fuck.
Is it a thick letter that you want? Or a thin one? Heejin can never remember, and this letter looks like it could be thick or thin.
"It's okay," she says to no one in particular. "Everything's fine."
Everything is not fine. Anxiety bubbles up in her stomach, thick and all-consuming, as Heejin looks at the letter, until she shucks the damn thing off her desk in frustration.
She'll open it with Hyunjin, Heejin decides. It'll be fine.
☾
Heejin wakes up to a splitting headache and a surge of anxiety at the thought of her letter. She goes through her morning routine in a trance, hastily tucking the letter into the folds of her jacket as she's rushing out the door.
Hyunjin awaits her in the car, her face aglow with endearment. "Hey."
"Hey." Heejin's cheeks redden, butterflies swirling up in her stomach.
"Did I miss something?" Jeno looks between them from the backseat.
"Shut up, Jeno," Heejin rolls her eyes, but her flush is evident. She pushes her bashfulness away as she climbs in, fastening her seatbelt. "Can I say something totally crazy?"
Hyunjin lifts an amused eyebrow. "Go ahead."
"Do you want to skip first period?"
"No way!" Jeno shouts from the back. “I have a math quiz, dude.”
"I wasn't talking to you, Jeno."
" Hey, " Jeno whines. "You're so mean."
"Sucks to suck," Hyunjin giggles. "I'm down, though. Where to?"
"Panera, obviously," Heejin smiles.
"Wait, guys? I kind of actually need to go to first period…" Jeno trails off, dejected. “I kind of need the quiz points to bump my grade up."
"That's fine," Hyunjin responds. "I'll drop you off and we can go to Panera."
Jeno’s ever-present eyesmile returns. "Okay, good."
The drive to their school is fleeting, and before Heejin knows it, she's shooing Jeno out of the car.
"Don't fail your quiz!" she laughs. Jeno flips her off, so she obviously has to return the favor with both hands.
"Okay, we're leaving!" Hyunjin calls, rolling up the window. "Literal kindergarteners, I swear."
"Okay, but you love us," Heejin coaxes. Hyunjin wrinkles her nose.
"You like us?" Heejin tries.
"Uh huh."
"You like me."
Hyunjin blushes. Heejin opens her mouth and closes it.
"Oh, I see."
"Shut up, you're the one who kissed me!"
Heejin gapes. "Well, you kissed me first!"
"Shut up," Hyunjin stammers. "I'm driving, stop distracting me."
" Oh, so you find me distracting, huh?"
"Heejin."
"Sorry," Heejin giggles, entirely unapologetic. Hyunjin pulls the car over, parking it neatly in the lot. The Panera sign blinks over them, just like it did the night before, but the atmosphere is distinctly different.
Heejin follows Hyunjin into Panera, sliding into their booth as Hyunjin orders them a mac sandwich. Heejin procures the letter from her jacket, setting it gently on the table as Hyunjin returns with the food.
Heejin slides the envelope over. Hyunjin's eyes widen comically.
"Oh my God, Heejin." Hyunjin looks up at her. "Let's open it together?"
Hyunjin swallows hard, and holds the letter out to Heejin, but Heejin shakes her head.
"You do it."
"Are you sure?"
Heejin nods. Hyunjin inhales deeply, pulling open the letter in one go, and—
"Oh my God." The letter falls out of her hand. "Oh my God, Heejin." Hyunjin pulls her close, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes. "You're going to Boston!"
"What?" Heejin shrieks. "I got in?"
"You got in," Hyunjin sobs. "You're going to Boston. We're going to Boston."
"We're going to Boston," Heejin repeats fondly. "I love that there's a we."
Hyunjin flushes. "Of course there's a we." She sits down taking a bite of her sandwich. "There's always been a we."
It’s 9 am on a Tuesday morning. Heejin is seated across from Hyunjin at a random Panera, watching her chow down on a macaroni sandwich. Objectively, subjectively, and entirely unequivocally, Heejin should not be falling in love with her in this moment.
And yet, as she finds herself gazing into Hyunjin’s eyes, she knows she wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.