“Sweetheart?” her voice called out. The keys cluttered on the counter top, her coat strew across the chair in the living room. She did a quick scan around the place, everything remained as it was when you both left in the morning.
Larissa knew something was wrong the moment you went home without her. You only sent a text saying you were already at home but lacking any details as to why you had gone home so early. She didn’t inquire any further, instead she only replied that she would be home as soon as she could.
True to her word, Larissa was home even before five in the afternoon, when usually she would stay in her office, lost in the myriad of paperwork to finish and emails to response until the sun had set and you had fallen asleep on the couch while waiting for her.
Before checking you in the bedroom where she was positive you would be, she made a short trip to the kitchen and gathered some snack you could nibble on and a glass of water.
After that, Larissa was on her way to you, balancing the tray and walking barefoot across the floor, her stocking left abandoned into a messy pile next to her heels out haste in the middle of the kitchen to get to you fast. It was unlikely for her to litter around, but she was panic-stricken that it affected her capability to pick up after herself. She could do that later when she was sure you were okay.
Low and behold, she was right, you were in your shared bedroom curled up on the bed, still clad in your working clothes. Her heart physically ached at the sight. Whatever it was that clouded your head at the moment, it was making you feel miserable.
Once the tray was placed on the bedside table, gently she crawled behind you and settled herself close. She nudged the tip of her nose to your shoulder blade, “I brought you some biscuits and water.” You didn’t say anything.
You felt her presence, heard her voice, but you couldn’t respond to her, you couldn’t reach out and move your body to curl up next to her, to guide her arm around you, but you so badly wanted to do those things, and it hurt that you couldn’t.
Larissa felt your desperate attempt to move, saw how you struggled, how you muffled your whimpers and cries by pressing your face on your pillow. “Shh, it’s okay. I’m here now, darling. I’m here. I’ll hold you.” And she pulled you with extra care to her side. Cradling your limp body close as possible, “All will be all right, love.” She rocked you back and forth, quelling the lonely and empty feeling you felt before she held you in her arms.
You listened to her, let her voice fill your head to shut your own thoughts away, let her hold you so close to her you could hear her heart beating and feel the slow steady breaths she took. She silenced them away like you knew she would.
“I hope you can tell me what happened today, baby.” But you weren’t ready to talk, not yet. You still couldn’t control yourself, couldn’t contain the seething anger in your chest that left you defeated and insecure.
She took the lack of reaction as a no. Larissa didn’t force you to say anything. The silence killed her, but she knew you would talk when you were ready.
For the meantime, she held you firm against her, her lips pressing dainty kisses around your face, and kissing away the tears.
Later when you finally fell asleep, she plucked herself off from your side. While she padded around the bedroom and changed her clothes, she kept you in checked, noticing the faint tremors in your breath and the creasing of your brows. She would then tiptoe her way back to the bed, her hand caressing your face and murmuring sweet nothings hoping it could reach you in your dreams. Successfully, it did smooth the lines on your forehead and hushed the cries.
After that she busied herself in the kitchen, cooking the easiest meal she could serve you knowing you would be hungry when you wake up and those snacks on the bedside table wouldn’t fill you up as much. Even if she knew you wouldn’t have the energy to eat, she still had to try, for you.
During that, Larissa kept recalling what happened today, did she miss something? Did she do something that made you upset? Were you angry of her? Did she work too much today that she forgot something special that you two were supposed to celebrate? Did she make a promise she didn’t keep? Again.
All of these had happened, she missed a special celebration twice, she failed to keep a promise that made you not speak to her for days and she always worked too much. So this time, was it all the above?
She knew she was hurting you every time but you wouldn’t say a thing to hurt her in return. This thought alone brought tears to the brim of her eyes, it pushed a feeble sob past her lips. She couldn’t believe how much she was unconsciously neglecting you and she loved you, more than anything in this world—or so she believed that much, but now she wasn’t so sure. She wasn’t supposed to hurt you.
In the bedroom, you were woken up abruptly by the lack of warmth and life next to you, not by the nightmare, not by the scary pitched black room, but by the physical absence of the woman. You longed for her. You wanted her and it was something Larissa was doubting right now because of how horrible she felt she was treating you.
Panic surged, you bolted out of the room, fresh tears flowing down your face.
There in the living room, you found her sitting on the couch and mindlessly flipping through a book while waiting for the kettle to boil so she could bring you as well some tea.
Your footsteps were light but Larissa heard the heavy shut of the door that prompted her to turn her head. When her eyes met yours, you started to sob even more. When you were right in front of her, suddenly you couldn’t carry your weight and collapsed right onto her lap, your hands around her neck.
A hand came up to stroke your back, you sobbed harder, your throat closing up.
Larissa felt you grip her shirt tighter in a shaky grip, so she tried to pry your hand off her shirt and instead urged you to hold her hand.
“Please don’t leave me.” Was all you said and yet it was enough for her to understand where all of this was coming from. It was one of those days again where you felt you weren’t enough, insecure and small. Did she make you feel like this, too?
She pulled away, just a little but she felt the strong resistance. “Sweetheart, you and I both know I would never do such thing.” She paused, searching for your eyes. “I would never leave you. Never.” Every syllable was spoken firm, hoping that it would depict the every ounce of sincerity in her heart, hoping it could convince you that there was no place she would rather be without you. Her home was here, with you and that her heart only desired one woman for the rest of her life and it was you. Always you.
“Do you understand?” it was uncommon for her voice to waver, “Tell me you understand, sweetheart.” She kept looking at your eyes, her lips quivering. She was in despair for an answer, she wanted to know what was going on in your head. Did you believe her?
God, she would give everything right now in exchange to hear all your thoughts.
“Say something.” Scream at her, curse her, anything.
When her tears cascade her freckled skin, when her forehead dropped to your chest while her hands grasped your shoulder and a sound of whimper pierced your ears you wrapped your arms around her.
You realized how hard it was not just for you, but for her, too. Every time you would feel like shit you unintentionally punish her with your silence, her who was so underserving of such treatment, her who done nothing but love and care for you. Sure she wasn’t perfect, made mistakes, forgot important dates, missed dinners but Larissa loved you and you knew if you could give you all the stars in the galaxy she would.
“I’m sorry I got scared. I got insecure again and I didn’t make an effort to fight it this time. Morticia was there and I saw the looks you gave her and I knew it meant nothing but somehow it still affected me.”
The admission broke her heart. She wasn’t ready for it.
Larissa gathered herself, a hand caressing your face, “You are the most beautiful woman on the face of this earth, the one I love and cherish the most. You are the only for me.”
You felt those words deep within your bones. Your heart took comfort from her words and your brain believed her, it actually listened to her.
“And you are the one for me, too. You will always be the one, in this lifetime and in others, you will always be, Larissa.”
With both still in tears, you leaned and pressed your lips to her own. It was unhurried, both of you taking time to appreciate each other’s lips, so much like the first time you kissed under the moonlit night in the balcony of her office after admitting that you like her.
When Larissa pulled away, just an inch away from your lips, you could still feel the sensation drowning your insecurities. You felt her fingers combed through your hair, fingernails scratching lightly against your scalp.
“How about I take some time off? Let me take you to the countryside again and then we can do whatever we like. Just the two of us.” She was pertaining to the cottage house she bought.
It was where you two had spent the weekend for your first anniversary with her, one that you extremely adore you didn’t stop talking about the architectural design and aesthetics on the way home. She wasn’t one to feed her impulses but then she thought if it would make you happy then why not? So long story short, she bought the house as a wedding gift for you and now it had been months since you visited the place.
Biting a smile, you excitedly nod at her. And there it was, the light in your eyes and pretty pink colour on your cheeks. Larissa would do everything to keep that smile on your face, the smile that fuelled her, kept her sane and very much content with life. God, she adored you. This woman loved you.
“Now, how about I draw you bath so you could get out of these stinky clothes, hm?”
“Sounds perfect only if you would be in the bath with me.”
“Of course, my love. I will be in the bath with you.”