Everyday I Love You

Time went on and T’Challa still hadn’t decided on what to do,  his heart was conflicted. He couldn’t deny it. Erik has impregnated his thoughts ever since they we’re younger but they were cousins who grew together, wasn’t that a bit weird? There was also Nakia, this sweet girl who was a War Dog trainee, her time with T’Challa became even more sparse. He knows he can’t force her to just spend time with him, she is a great partner but she has her own goals in mind.

But T’Challa couldn’t bring himself to break up with her… His heart would be thorn into pieces, he didn’t want to hurt her. He’d be doing this for the sole reason of his love for Erik. Which was so selfish in his mind. In the end both his choices would hurt him and someone else he loved deeply.

He tried to brush those thoughts away while he ate breakfast alone, he had a long day ahead of him, he didn’t want to be bothered by these things.

Erik showed up to eat breakfast, must have slept later than normal.

“Hey cuz.” He sounded groggy from sleep.

“Good morning, Erik.” He drank his coffee, the other’s presence made him uncomfortable.

Erik didn’t try to conversate, it’s been 5 months ever since they had that talk and Erik wanted to respect his cousin’s space, as much as he wanted him to himself, rushing him would probably not going to do any good. But he couldn’t help but still appreciate his cousin’s beauty. ‘Am I no match for you in anything? Lord…’ Erik thought.

“Ummm… Is something on my face, Erik?” T’Challa asked, distressed by his cousin’s stare.

“Oh—Nothing, Haha!” He nervously recomposed himself “You look like you’re not doing well! You have dark circles under your eyes, that’s all” That wasn’t a lie.

“Oh” He blinked “I guess I’m not sleeping well lately. Maybe I’m overthinking a lot and that’s making me tired.”

Erik knew exactly why he wasn’t sleeping.

Erik sighed “You’re post poning.” He got up from the table. “Talk to her, that’ll ease your mind.”

“Erik it’s just I can’t… hurt her.”

Erik looked at his cousin. “But you’re hurting yourself like this. I’m not telling you this for my sake. It’s for yours.” He left the room. Leaving T’Challa alone and even more tired than before.

--

Erik decided to take a day off to do some relaxing on his own.

He went to the town to eat, looked around the border and talked to the rhino owners, he talked to some people in the cities and bought some new clothes and had an overall peaceful day alone.

But it was a day alone.

Normally he’d do these things with T’Challa, he’d eat with him and tell T’Challa he had horrible taste in footwear and that he was a fashion disaster overall. They’d watch the sunset together as well.

He guessed that was the only thing he didn’t do, so he looked for the hill they normally went to.

Nobody was there (Gladly) and he sat down on the grass and just appreciated the view.

‘I miss you here, cuz’ Flooded with melancholy he just watched the sun go down in silence. He reminisced about the times they spent when yhey were younger. It wasn’t that long ago, but his heartache made it feel like it was. He missed him, his presence and his voice, now they only saw each other on rare occasions. ‘I told myself I’d respect his decision’ He tried repeating that on his head to ease his pain, but it didn’t work.

“Erik?” He heard a voice.

He looked back to see Zuri. “Oh… Uncle James. Did you know I was here?”

“No no, it was just a coincidence. Watching the sunset I presume?” He sat by Erik’s side.

“Daddy was right, we really do have the most beautiful sunsets here.” It’s been a while since he spoke to Zuri, which he found weird since he was the only thing left from USA he had here.

“You don’t look like you’re doing well, is something on your mind?” He asked earnestly.

“Oh, I guess I do.” He didn’t know if he wanted to tell about how he was feeling to Zuri, how would he react? Would he be weirded out Erik’s in love with his cousin? But he didn’t have anyone to vent, he needed something.

“You can trust me, whatever your problem is, I’ll listen.” Zuri smiled at him.

Erik sighed, he decided to be direct. “I love T’Challa.”

“Oh? Why is that a problem? It’s a good thing you love your cousi---”

Erik cut him. “I mean, love like wanting to marry love.” He turned his face away, feeling ashamed.

Zuri was trying to find words, he needed to be supportive of Erik but it was probably a really sensitive topic for him, he had to say the right thing. “I… see.” He paused. “When did you realise?”

Erik felt a bit better he didn’t react negatively, at least not explicitly. “Maybe 3 or 4 years ago.” Erik sighed. “You see, T’Challa… he’s always there, has always been there. He listens to me and supports me like no one else, we have fun together he is good company. Really cute as well, probably the prettiest man I’ve ever seen and…”

“Ok ok Erik, I understand. But, does he like you back?”

“Probably.” He just wasn’t certain anymore, maybe it was a moment of passion thing. Nakia matters more to him probably.

“Did you tell him how you feel?”

“Yeah.”

“So?”

“Well…” He told Zuri the details, he didn’t want to but if he didn’t he wouldn’t understand any of this.

“Ah… I see. So he is dating Nakia now and you’re afraid he loves her more?” Erik nodded “Well, you told me you’d respect his decision, which would be the mature thing to do of course. But I’m sure if he does indeed love you, he’ll come to you someday.” Zuri put his hand on Erik’s shoulder, trying to comfort him.

“I know but it still doesn’t stop my heart from hurting, you know?” Zuri smiled sadly a Erik.

“I know, but you can’t be down over this, matters of the heart are important but don’t you have goals for yourself that don’t involve love?”

Erik thinks now, the only thing he cared about lately was T’Challa’s attention, he was even considering giving up on the whole spy qualification and going back to America.

“I honestly don’t know.”

Erik sighed, looking defeated. “Well… I’m glad you listened to me anyway Uncle James.”

“I’m also glad you trusted me to tell these things.”

Erik hugged Zuri. He never really showed how much he cherished him, even though they we’re speaking so sparsely.

“Thanks. I’ll try and cheer up. Find something to do and move on.” Erik tried to smile.

“Good going. Well, I’m sure you must be tired, let’s go back to the castle shall we?”

Both men got up and left the hill, the sky becoming fully dark.

--

Nakia and T’Challa were having dinner after Nakia had returned from a mission, it’s been 3 weeks since they saw each other and she was glad she could spend some time with him.

But T’Challa was feeling uncomfortable due to his talk with Erik in the morning. It showed and Nakia wasn’t a slow person.

“T’Challa… is something the matter?” she asked worried.

“Oh, no nothing.” He averted his gaze, he wasn’t ready. He felt like he’d never be ready. He really was post poning this as much as he could.

“I know something’s up, please don’t be afraid to tell me”

It was now or never.

“Nakia… I…” He rubbed his left temple “This whole distance thing is taking a toll in me.” He said “It’s not your fault at all, please don’t think I’m blaming you. It’s just… it’s hard for me to be away from you so much, I guess I’m needy, I don’t know. But it’s not working for me.”

Nakia didn’t know how to react. T’Challa looked at her dumbfounded expression and he just grew more hurt.

“P-Please don’t think I want you to stop your career as a War Dog or anything like that, it’d be wrong of me to ask of you to put a relationship ahead of your own goals, the problem here is one hundred percent me.” T’Challa eyes were watery. He just wanted to disappear.

“So you want to break up?” Nakia said, trying to maintain her cool.

“I think… it’d be healthier for both of us.”

Nakia was hurt, even more hurt knowing she knew it was partially her fault for T’Challa to feel like this. He had all the right in the world to feel like this.

“Well. I guess then it’s done.” Nakia got up from the table. “I think… I need some time on my own to talk to you again.” She tried holding her tears.

T’Challa nodded.

“Goodbye, T’Challa” she said, with anger in her voice, but also sadness and disappointment. She feels like she wronged T’Challa innocent and loving nature. ‘I could have prevented this… I know I could’. Foolish thoughts, T’Challa’s heart already belonged to someone else, it couldn’t be avoided. He was to blame for trying to avoid and hide it. Nakia blamed herself for nothing.

She left the establishment leaving T’Challa to his own tears and thoughts.

‘Erik, I hope it’s not too late.’ With that thought he wiped his tears away.