Grade A American Beef

There were exactly three things Darcy Lewis was prepared to cheerfully wake up for: homemade French toast, Christmas morning, and sex of the mind-blowing variety (subpar sex was met with her usual post-slumber grumpiness.) Loud, insistent knocking on her apartment door at 3am was decidedly not on that list, so it should come as no surprise that she let loose a rather feral growl as she rolled from her bed to seek out the source of the knocking. Darcy grumbled and stumbled her way to the front door, a hint of murder flashing in her eyes, before ripping the door open with a startling amount of violence from someone who could be solidly categorized as “civilian”.

“What. Do. You. Want,” she spit out, her eyes slowly focusing on the two blurry figures crowding the hallway outside her door.

“Uh...Darcy?”

Oh great. Of course. Who else would be here to see her in all her grumpy, rumpled glory but Captain Gloriously Handsome and...was that? Yep. Yep. Captain Glorious and his equally attractive, if utterly terrifying, bff superassassin, the Winter Beefcake.

Jesus, whyyyyy?

“Oh, hey Steve. And friend of Steve. How may I help you boys, at 3 in the godforsaken morning, I might add,” Darcy said with about as much charm as a sea slug. But really, who could blame her?

Steve Rogers, ever the gentleman, swiftly apologized for the late hour. “Darcy, I am so sorry for waking you, but I need your help, and...well, it couldn't wait till morning.” Steve then proceeded to give her the biggest, saddest puppy dog eyes he could manage in the dim light of the hallway.

Well crap. He knew that was her kryptonite. Being friends with beautiful superheroes could be utterly unfair sometimes. With a sigh and a rather impressive eye roll, Darcy waved the two men in, closing the door softly behind them. Steve marched in with entirely too much grace and confidence for her taste, while Beefcake filed in behind.

Darcy hadn’t seen a whole lot of Bucky since the good Captain brought him in a few months ago. He didn't interact with the rest of the team very much, mostly sticking to Steve's shadow or their apartment. He was obviously doing better though than he was when he first started living with Steve in the Avengers tower, but there was still a skittishness to him and a hunted look in his strikingly blue eyes. Even here, in her 100% non-threatening, overtly civilian domicile, his eyes shifted restlessly from one corner of the room to the next, his shoulders hunched forward in a defensive posture that was honestly breaking her heart a little bit. Enough to make her stow the grumpy attitude, at least partially.

In a gentler tone than she’d been previously using, Darcy asked, “Sooo, you need my help? With what? I'm not exactly good for much in the Avengering business. I mostly just provide sass and donuts.”

“You do much more than that, and you know it,” Steve gently chided. “You single handedly took on the role of head PR agent for all of us, you run every aspect of our social media presence, plus you're basically our unofficial, in-house therapist after missions.” Steve’s voice then took on a rather wheedling tone. “You’re such a natural at taking care of people, Darcy. It's a gift that all of us appreciate and have sorely needed from time to time.”

As touched as Darcy was by Cap’s impromptu little pep talk, the further along he got in his monologue the more suspicious she became of his intentions. Especially when his eyes started to periodically dart back and forth from her to his friend who was skulking over by her kitchen cabinets at the moment.

With a quick, apprehensive breath, Rogers continued, “We’ve got a rather sensitive mission that the whole team is headed out for at 0500, Darcy. Well, all of us except Bucky.” Steve paused, gauging her response, “He hasn't been cleared for missions yet so he’d be there alone. The whole time. With nobody else. By himself.”

Darcy heard Bucky snort and then mumble out, “I think she gets the point, Steve.”

She glanced over at the spysassin leaning on her kitchen counter before snapping her narrowed eyes back to the face of her friend who was giving her an increasingly guilty look. “Steven. Grant. Rogers. Are you asking me to babysit Bucky Fucking Barnes, a.k.a. Murderbot 5000, while you and the other Avengers go play superhero?!”

Steve, apparently taking affront to both her tone and choice of nickname for his buddy, gave her an offended scowl and a sharp, “Darcy!”, before unsubtly glancing at Bucky to gauge his reaction to the name. The man in question was still scoping out the shadows of her apartment and thankfully didn't seem hurt by her inability to think before she spoke.

Wincing with slight chagrin, Darcy lowered her voice to hiss, “Seriously, though! Is that what you're asking me to do??”

Steve sighed and lowered his voice as well, “Essentially? Yes? It's not good for him to be alone right now. He's doing better than he was...but there's still a lot of damage that he's working through. It's harder for him when there's no one there to remind him he’s no longer trapped in that life. He needs someone to watch over him, make sure he's eating and at least attempting to sleep. You've been doing that very same thing for Jane, Stark, and Banner for years. Surely you can handle one fossil from the 40s.” Steve ended with what he hoped was a charming smile, praying that the humor of his little joke would get him in Darcy’s good graces.

For her part, Darcy just stared at him open mouthed for a minute, not even sure how to respond to his harebrained plea. “Can't SHIELD take care of him,” Darcy sputtered. “I mean, that's their job, right? To back you guys up, support the Avengers and whatnot? Surely they could assign some agents to the care and feeding of one super soldier?”

Steve rubbed a hand over his eyes. “Yeah, Darce, they could. And he'd be perfectly safe, but he wouldn't feel safe. He's had handlers for the last 70 years, and that's all those agents would be to him. More handlers. He doesn't need that, he needs a real, honest-to-God, caring person. And you're the most genuinely caring person I've ever met Darcy. I mean that.”

Ooh, damn him. He really did mean it, too. He was all full-blown, blue-eyed sincerity, and he'd pulled on her heartstrings with that “handlers” comment.

As personal PR agent to the Avengers, she'd been one of the few people with the clearance to read Barnes’ complete and unredacted file, in the hopes she'd be able to spin his tragic backstory into something more palatable for the American people. And she'd done a damn good job of it, too. After the months she spent championing him in front of millions on one news station after another, the majority of the American public were currently appalled that their WWII hero had been so horribly mistreated.

It had been easy too, because everything she’d said had been true. The man had been mistreated, abused, and used in ways that made her gut clench with nausea just thinking about it. She'd used that righteous indignation on his behalf to fuel every speech she'd given and defend against every ugly diatribe made against him by those who would paint him as the villain. Man, fuck MSNBC. And fuck Hydra. And fuck her, because she could already feel herself preparing to agree to Rogers’ idea.

Darcy gave an internal groan. Well, maybe not entirely internal, if the way Barnes eyes darted over to her was any indication. “Fine,” Darcy sighed, “I’ll do it.”

Steve’s smile in response to her agreement was just entirely too radiant for this early in the morning in her opinion. “Really, Darce? You're an absolute peach! Thank you!” Steve ducked to gather her into an exuberant hug that was, again, too much for this early.

Darcy absently patted a bicep through his Cap suit, “Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm stellar. How long am I on babysitting duty for?”

Steve’s face quickly turned from radiant to cagey before he gently set her back on her feet. “Well, about that. Like I said, sensitive mission. Not a whole lot I can share on details, but...I'm not entirely sure? Potentially a couple...months...maybe more?”

“Months!” Darcy shouted, eyebrows rising threateningly close to her hairline. “I'm getting a new pet supersoldier for months, plural?!” Darcy pinched the bridge of her nose. “Goddamnit Steve. I love you, but what the hell? Ugh. Fine. Fine. It doesn't matter. I said I'd do it and I always keep my word. Mostly. But you owe me so big Steven Rogers! So big!”

Darcy was once again swept up into an overly enthusiastic hug. “Aw Darce, you really are the best! Whatever you want, it's yours. I'll even let you ride the shield down a snow bank like you've always wanted.”

Steve set a giggling Darcy back on her feet. The smile stretching across her face slipped from fondness to mischievous fairly quickly as she began to ponder her options. “Steve, anything I want? Really?”

“Yes,” he affirmed. “The sky's the limit.”

“Alright, Cap. In that case, I know exactly what I want. And I'm collecting. Right. Now.”

Steve was suddenly filled with apprehension at the growing smirk on his friend's face. “Uh, okay, what...what do you want?”

Darcy tapped her chin thoughtfully before answering. “You know, I've always wondered what you look like underneath that suit, Cap. You strip buck naked for me right now and I promise to take excellent care of your Bucky for what sounds suspiciously like an indefinite amount of time.”

Darcy gave a wicked grin and a wink at Rogers, internally congratulating herself on her brilliant choice and perfect pun usage. She could hear Bucky in the background making a vague choking sound while Steve stared at her with open mouthed shock.

“I...you...what?” Steve asked sharply.

“You heard me, Cap,” Darcy replied. “If I'm going to risk my life babysitting spysassin Barnes, then I'm sure as hell going to be able to die with the experience of seeing firsthand the National Treasure that is naked Captain America.”

Steve continued with his shocked staring, while Bucky’s choking sounds gradually clarified into what was definitely choked laughter. Which pleased Darcy to no end. She didn't think she'd heard a single thing resembling laughter from Barnes in the entirety of his stay with the Avengers. She was kind of proud of herself for giving him the giggles, actually.

Bucky’s laughter continued to grow to full on guffawing, which seemed to momentarily snap Steve out his shock enough for him to give Bucky a deeply pleased and bewildered smile. He seemed as surprised and happy with Bucky's reaction as Darcy was.

“Jesus, Steve, this dame,” Bucky choked out, “Where have you been hiding her?” Then, much to Steve's horror, Bucky added, “You better start undressing Cap, I think the lady means business and you've got to get back to base soon.” Barnes’ laughter slowed with a deep sigh and he took a minute to wipe the tears from his eyes.

Steve swiveled his head back and forth between the two brunettes before his eyes settled on the floor in front of him. He took a steadying breath through his nose and clenched his jaw in the patented Captain America’s Look-of-Determination™. Having steeled himself for the task at hand, Steve began unbuckling the belt to his tac pants, to Darcy's utter delight. Swiftly and with zero eye contact with either of his supposed friends, Steve stripped down to his black Under Armour boxer briefs.

He paused then, not sure whether Darcy was going to make him completely disrobe, when the lady piped up, “The underoos too, Cap. I want the whole shebang.” Blushing harder than he had in probably 70 years, Steve yanked the last bit of fabric to the floor, before straightening up into parade rest.

“I am a fucking genius,” Darcy breathed. She took her time getting an eyeful of the good Captain, lingering on the expanse of muscle beneath pale skin. Well, more like violently pink skin at the moment. Darcy couldn't help whooping with glee at Steve's blush and obvious discomfort. She had to admit, she had a bit of a wicked streak and this was pushing all her buttons in such a good way.

Steve, who was still refusing to look her in the eyes, gave an exasperated sigh. “Are you done ogling me yet, Lewis? I would like to get dressed and regain my dignity sometime in the near future.”

“Oh ho, my dear Captain. I have only just begun to ogle and I do believe I said the whole shebang was required, including a good look at that star-spangled booty.” Darcy waggled her eyebrows at Steve suggestively, but the gesture was lost on him as he was still patently refusing to make eye contact with anyone. Barnes, on the other hand, had gotten a good look at her eyebrows and apparently found it hilarious because he'd quickly dissolved into a puddle of mirth on her kitchen floor.

“Shut up, you jackass! This is all your fault,” Steve yelled.

Bucky seemed unfazed by the accusation. “Stevie, I will gladly take credit for getting you into this mess,” Bucky gasped between boyish giggles. “Oh God, Steve, if you could see your face! I haven’t seen you this red since your Ma caught you hoarding her unmentionables catalogues!” If anything, Steve’s blush deepened further and Bucky erupted into huffing sobs of glee.

Oh wow, Barnes was being super adorable with his giggle fit. This may have been the best decision of her life. Naked Cap and a giggling Barnes? Damn, she was good. Darcy gave a quick whistle to regain Steve’s attention, who finally looked at her, only to see her twirling her finger to prompt him to turn around. He rolled his eyes at the gesture, this embarrassing interlude, and the whole damn day to be honest, but dutifully stomped his feet and turned around to give Darcy the spectacular view she'd asked for.

Darcy gave another whistle, this one low and decidedly appreciative, before snapping to attention. “God bless America,” she breathed, giving a little salute. “Land of the free, home of Dat Ass.”

At that comment, Bucky positively roared with laughter, still seated on her kitchen floor, left arm wrapped around his gut, while his right hand repeatedly smacked against his thigh.

“Alright you knuckleheads, that's enough,” Steve growled. “You've had your show, Darcy. I've paid in full!” He then reached down and began aggressively redressing himself, keeping his eyes to the ground.

Bucky’s laughing fit was starting to finally die down and for the first time he really looked at Darcy. “Stevie...this dame,” he sighed in wonder. The smile that split across his face as he looked at her was breathtaking. And honestly, after all the messed up shit he'd been through, the fact that she could do something to evoke a smile like that from him...well, she wasn't sure she'd ever been prouder of herself. Or more determined to repeat the results.

It was at that moment that a certainty sank into her gut. As long as he was with her, she was going to make it her mission to see that smile as often as possible. She looked away from Barnes then to see Steve looking intently at her with what appeared to be understanding and...well, what she thought was probably respect. Her thoughts and emotions were notorious for being written on her face at all times, so it was likely that Steve had sussed out her newly self-appointed mission in life.

Her suspicions were confirmed when Steve, now fully dressed, pulled her into a firm hug and whispered a soft, “Thank you,” into her ear. As before, she patted a bicep, nodding her head at his acknowledgement. Steve released her then and took a deep breath. “So, I need to be heading back to the Tower.” He backed towards her front door, opening it and reaching around into the hallway to pull a sizeable black duffle bag into her apartment. “Here's Bucky’s bag, it’s got all his clothes and some of his favorite books and weapons and a few movies that Sam said he needs to catch up on. There's also a sat phone to contact me with if something...if things aren't working out great...or you guys need help, or whatever. Um. I think that's it? Am I forgetting anything?” Steve looked at her searchingly for a moment.

Darcy arched an eyebrow at him in response, folding her arms and leaning her hip against the door frame. “Why do I feel like you're a new mom, handing off her lethal baby and giant black tactical diaper bag to the babysitter for the first time?”

From startlingly close behind her, she heard Bucky reply, “That's because Steve is a born worrier and the biggest girl on the planet. Maybe the universe.” Steve responded with a huff, but before he could say anything, Barnes stepped around her to put a hand on his friend's shoulder. “Steve, I'm gonna be fine. She's gonna be fine. I'll stay outta her way, eat when she tells me to, and try not to do anything murderous. Okay?”

Steve looked up at him with a resigned sigh and a small smile. “Yeah, okay Buck. I'll see you later. Darce, thanks again for doing this.”

Darcy responded with her own small smile and a bob of her head. “Sure thing, Cap.”

Steve gave them both a quick once over, nodded his head and then turned to walk purposefully down the hallway towards the elevators. Darcy stepped back into her apartment followed by Bucky who closed the door behind them. With a tired sigh, Darcy checked the waving kitty clock on her kitchen wall.

“Welp,” she said turning to Barnes, “it is almost 4am on a Saturday. Usually, on this most sacred of days, I am not out of bed until noon, so I'm going back to sleep. My room is the first door on the left, guest bathroom is the next door. Last door on the right is the guest bedroom. If you're hungry, help yourself to anything you can find in the fridge or pantry. Make yourself at home. I have to go face plant on my bed now. Goodnight, Sergeant Barnes.” With that, she gave a sloppy salute and turned and walked toward her bedroom.

Bucky stood there for a moment after she had closed her bedroom door, just breathing in the scent of her home, familiarizing himself with the new surroundings. He knew she couldn't hear, but he whispered a low, “Goodnight,” into her quiet apartment anyway. He then hefted his duffle bag to his shoulder and headed towards the room she'd indicated for him to stay in, praying that when he lay down he'd actually be able to sleep soundly for once.